by Beth Rinyu
“Hope, that’s not good. Promise me that if it happens again, you will have it checked out.” I nodded. “Hope?” She raised her eyebrows at me.
“I promise, I will.”
I was so happy when the nurse came out and said that she could go back to see her husband. I didn’t want to be grilled over my eating habits next. She got up to follow the nurse back. “Will, take Hope down to the cafeteria and get her something to eat,” she ordered before disappearing behind the double doors.
I shook my head and laughed. “I’m fine! I don’t need anything to eat.”
Will got up and took my hand, pulling me off the chair. “I must do as the queen says, or I will be beheaded,” he joked. “Hey, do you need a wheelchair?” he asked with a grin.
“Haha, so funny, Will,” I said. We both laughed as we headed down to the cafeteria.
Will and I took a seat. I ate my chicken noodle soup while he scarfed down a bacon cheeseburger and began to go on his usual rant about his parents. Will and Jamie’s dad never saw eye-to-eye. Every time they were together for too long, there would always be some type of disagreement that would cause one of them to end up shouting a little louder than they should and the other would storm away. It kind of became the norm to have a holiday or special occasion interrupted by one of their arguments.
“So how pissed was my mom at me for showing up late?”
“I don’t think she was pissed. She was just upset over the whole thing with your dad.”
“Oh, Hope, come on. You can tell me. I’m sure she was bashing me. It’s not like I haven’t heard it all before from her and my dad. I was the son that let them down.”
“What are you talking about?”
He rolled his eyes. “We all know who the ‘golden child’ is Hope. My dad still isn’t over the fact that I only chose to go to college just long enough to get my credits to take the firefighter exam, instead of following in Jamie’s footsteps and going to law school.”
“That’s not true, Will. You are very successful and your dad knows it.”
“Yeah, you of all people know that he doesn’t think that. Have you forgotten how every single Christmas has gone down since you joined our family? It doesn’t bother me anymore. In fact, I’m kinda use to it,” he said, taking another huge bite from his cheeseburger.
But I knew that it was still bothering him -- a lot. “Boy, someone was hungry,” I teased, trying to get off the current topic of conversation.
“I worked up an appetite with Delia this morning. Man, that girl is -.”
I held up my hand to stop him. “Filter, Will! I don’t need to hear the details. Really, I don’t.”
He laughed and took another bite. “So what’s going on with you, Hope? You know, I never hear from my bother anymore. What the fuck is his problem?”
I shrugged my shoulders. Obviously, he didn’t know. “Well, you talk to him every day. Is he pissed at me or something? I’ve called him a few times and he doesn’t return my phone calls.”
“Jamie and I have been separated since April. He’s in San Diego right now working on a case. Other than that, I really don’t know what’s going on with him. I wish I did.”
“Oh, fuck. Hope, I’m so sorry. I really had no idea,” he said as he picked up a napkin and wiped the ketchup off his face.
“It’s okay,” I said as I swirled my soup around in the bowl.
Will suddenly became more serious, which was a rarity for him. “I know how much Charlie’s death affected me. I can’t even begin to imagine what you guys are going through.”
“Yeah, it’s been really…” I shook my head and looked away. There were no words to express how it had affected me.
“Hey, do you remember how pissed off Jamie got when I bought Charlie that Red Sox hat?” Will asked.
“Yes, I do!” I replied, laughing.
“And Charlie would wear it just to annoy him,” Will laughed.
“Oh, that’s because you would egg him on to do it.”
“I actually bribed him with ice cream to do it once or twice.”
We both began to laugh. I was thinking about Charlie and actually laughing instead of crying. Yup, I was climbing out of the deep dark hole just a little bit more.
It was another early night for me. It had been a long and somewhat stressful day and I had a pounding headache, but I was happy that I had listened to that little voice inside of me and was there for Kate. Patty was picking me up bright and early. I had an appointment to get my hair cut while she was getting her nails done. I had just crawled into my bed when my phone rang. I quickly answered when I saw that it was Jamie.
“Hey, Jamie.”
“Hey, Hope. I just wanted to thank you for going up to the hospital today. My mom told me what happened. My brother is such an ass. He should have been there.”
“No problem. I’m just glad everything was okay.”
“Hope, are you okay? My mother said you’ve been getting dizzy spells.”
Damn it, Kate. “Yes, I’m fine. My blood sugar drops when I don’t eat.”
There was a long silence. “I don’t ever remember that happening to you before.”
“Jamie, I am fine. No need to worry about me. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.” I realized that I was sounding a little harsher than I had intended.
“I know. But that’s not ever going to stop me from worrying about you, Hope.”
God, I still love him so much. “I’m sorry for sounding so abrupt. It’s just been a really long day and I’m tired.”
“Yeah, okay.” I could tell that he didn’t want to hang up and neither did I, but I was exhausted and I knew that none of our issues were going to get resolved over the phone.
“Your brother is spending the night at your mom’s. He was asking about you today. He said he hasn’t heard from you in a while.”
He sighed deeply. “Yeah, I owe him a phone call. I’ll let you get going to bed.”
“Okay. Good night, Jamie.”
“Good night and thanks again.” The sadness in his voice was tearing me apart.
“You’re welcome,” I whispered, holding back the words that I really wanted to say: I love you. I miss you and I wish you were here with me right now.
I hopped into Patty’s car, feeling much better this morning than I had the past few days, but I still decided to call my doctor and schedule an appointment for Monday, since everyone was beginning to make me feel paranoid. We backed out of my mom’s driveway and Patty began her usual conversation complaining about my niece, saying that her room was a pigsty, her attitude was horrible, and she was totally boy crazy. All the norm for a teenage girl.
“She's fifteen,” I laughed.
“Yeah, well, sometimes kids are overrated.” She quickly covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh, my god, Hope. I'm so sorry.”
“It's okay.” I could see that she was beating herself up inside. “Patty, really, it's okay.” Each day, I could feel myself growing thicker skin. I knew that she didn't mean anything by it and I hated that she felt like she had to walk around on egg shells because of me.
I quickly changed the subject, telling Patty all about my job. I found myself getting happy just talking about it. She smiled at my enthusiasm. “Well, I’m so happy to hear that you are doing something that you absolutely love.”
“Yeah, it’s the perfect distraction from life -- for now,” I sighed. I knew that, sooner or later, I was going to have to face reality by figuring out what was going to become of my marriage.
She took my hand in hers as we pulled up to the salon. “Come on. Let’s go get pretty!” She smiled in her best attempt to comfort me.
We walked into the salon and I was immediately greeted by a very enthusiastic blonde girl. “Are you Hope?” she asked, her voice rising to a higher decibel. I nodded. “Hey, I'm Wendy. Let’s go back and get you washed.” She led me back to one of the open sinks. “So do you live around here?” sh
e asked.
I wasn't quite sure how to answer that. “Umm, I used to. I'm just here visiting my mom for the summer.” Okay, that was pretty close to the truth.
“Oh, I just moved here six months ago and I love it. Great school system.”
Please don't ask me the question…please!
“Do you have kids?”
And there it was. “Umm…yeah.”
“Boy or girl?”
Oh, my god, can you just please shut up and do my hair? “Boy,” I whispered.
“You're lucky. I have a ten-year-old girl and, boy, does she have an attitude…” She continued to ramble. I tuned her out and just closed my eyes as she ran her soapy fingers through my hair.
We walked up to her chair and she combed through my wet hair. “Oh, my goodness. You have some long hair.” I hadn't had my hair cut in over a year and I, myself, was amazed to see that it was halfway down my back. “So what did you want to do today?” she asked.
“Cut it.”
“Okay. Just a trim?”
I looked at the picture on her mirror of the pretty brunette with the cutest shoulder-length blunt cut. “Like hers,” I said, pointing to the photo.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Positive.”
I took a deep breath when she pulled out her scissors. My stomach dropped when she made the first cut and she held up about six inches of my hair. Thankfully, she was concentrating on cutting my hair and was silent for the most part. She was just about done and putting the product in. “You have the perfect hair for this cut,” she said. “You will be able to wear it straight or wavy. I'm going to blow it out for you, okay?”
“Yeah, sounds good.” I watched as she ran the round brush around my hair and was quite pleased with the way it was looking. She finished up and it looked even better than the picture.
“What do you think?” she asked, proudly.
I looked in the mirror as the tears rolled down my face. I looked like a different girl. A new girl.
“Oh no! Do you not like it?” Wendy asked, her smile fading quickly.
“No, I absolutely love it.” I smiled.
Patty and I were sitting in the restaurant waiting for our lunch. She picked up her phone and began to snap pictures of me. “What are you doing?” I asked.
“Alexa just texted me. She wants to see your hair.”
“Oh,” I laughed.
“I love it so much, Hope. You look absolutely adorable!”
“Thanks! Me, too! It’s a nice change,” I said as I ran my fingers through it. It was all part of the new Hope, the stronger one.
Patty looked at me and smiled. “Yeah, it is. And I’m so happy to see you smiling a lot more now, too.”
“Thanks,” I said, taking a sip of my iced tea. “I’m trying.”
She pulled my wrist toward her when my bracelet caught her attention. “Oh, my god. That is gorgeous! Where did you get it?” she asked.
“Jamie. It was my birthday present.”
She tilted her head and looked at me as if she was waiting for more details. I was happy when the waiter brought us our food, hoping that would distract her from her curiosity. No such luck!
“Did you see Jamie for your birthday?” she asked, once the waiter walked away.
“He stopped over at my mom’s. He was headed back to San Diego and just wanted to drop this off and give me some beautiful pictures that he had taken of Charlie.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “Okay. I know it’s none of my business and you can tell me to butt out and I won’t get mad, but what’s going on with you two?”
I took a mouthful of salad and shrugged my shoulders. “I wish I knew. I still love him so much. But, sometimes, love just isn’t enough. I’m just so confused.”
“About?”
I knew I had to get off this topic. The last thing I wanted to do was accidentally spill my guts about what had happened between Nick and I. That would be the same as telling the local newspaper. Even though she would always say that she could keep a secret, I knew otherwise. She just couldn’t help herself.
“Just lots of things.” I handed her my phone, trying to create a diversion. “Take a picture of my hair. I want to show Nick.”
Mission accomplished. She had gone from reporter to photographer in a matter of seconds. “Oh, boy, you’re gonna give that boy a little rise in his pants when he sees how gorgeous you look with this new haircut,” she said as she scrolled through the photos. I rolled my eyes at her as I took my phone back. “Oh, Hope, stop denying it. You may still think of him as your little friend from school, but he clearly doesn’t feel that way about you. You can see just by the way he looks at you. He is smitten!”
“Smitten? Really? Did you need a thesaurus for that one?” I teased, trying my best to play it off. Nick was not “smitten” with me; in fact, I wasn’t even quite sure if he still considered me his friend. I was making one last ditch effort by sending him this picture. If this didn’t gauge a reaction from him, I would have my answer and I would stop trying. I held my breath as I hit the send button, praying that I would get a reply.
We finished up with lunch and Patty decided to come in when she saw my brother’s truck in the driveway while dropping me off. The house was eerily quiet when we walked in. “Bobby, where are ya’?!” Patty screamed, breaking the silence.
We went into the living room to find him and my mother sitting in silence. “Well, what do you guys think?” I asked, flinging my hair to the side. They were both unresponsive and I could tell that my mother had been crying. “Does it look that bad?” I made my best attempt at a joke to try and lighten the mood. They were both expressionless and I knew that something bad had happened. “What's going on, Bobby?” Patty whispered. I could hear the concern in her voice.
“Hope, sit down,” my brother pleaded.
I shook my head. “No, not until you tell me what's going on.”
“Hope, please, just sit down.” His voice sounded more demanding. I took the seat next to him and Patty sat on the other side of me.
“Okay, I'm sitting. Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?”
My brother looked over at my mother. She bowed her head and wiped a tear from her eye. He exhaled deeply and took my hand. “Geez, Bobby, will you just tell me. What’s the matter?” I snapped, even though a very small part of me didn’t want to know.
“Hope, Nick was killed in a training mission yesterday.” I felt my entire body go limp. My brother placed his arm around me and continued to talk, but I wasn't hearing a word.
I finally snapped out of it and shook my head. “That's a really sick joke, Bobby. You know that?” He stared at me, speechless, then at my mom. She got up from the couch and kneeled down beside me.
“Hope, sweetie…” Her tone was soft and comforting, the same way she would talk to me when I was a little girl and I was upset. “It's true. Bobby isn't joking with you.”
I stared into space for a second, registering my mother's words. As much as I wanted to believe that she was joking, and that Nick was going to pop out from some secret hiding spot, I knew that she wasn't. My stomach began to churn and my entire body began to tremble uncontrollably. My mother wrapped her arms around me, but I pushed her away when I began to feel the lunch that was in my stomach rising up through my throat. I ran into the bathroom and hung my head over the toilet. I sat on the floor, leaning my back up against the wall, staring into space. I was numb as I imagined our last hug, his last double-dimpled smile that he gave me as he walked out the door, and the last night that we had shared and how absolutely perfect it was. And, with that, I could no longer hold back the tears. I buried my head in my knees and sobbed uncontrollably.
I woke up to darkness, not even knowing how I had gotten into my bed. I looked at the big red 2:11 on the clock and sat up, wishing that it was just a bad dream and that Nick really wasn't gone. Why was this happening to me? First, my Charlie; now,
my Nick. My head was pounding and my chest felt like it had been crushed by a ton of bricks. I was wide awake, knowing that the one and only person that was able to make me feel whole again was gone forever. I climbed out of bed feeling so weak and vulnerable. It was the same way I felt almost a year ago. My stomach was burning from being empty, but the thought of eating anything nauseated me. I went downstairs to the kitchen and made a cup of peppermint tea, trying my best to settle my nerves, but nothing was helping. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. I slipped on my flip flops, headed out the door and down the dark road that led to the bay. I took a seat in the sand, remembering the last time that Nick and I were there. We would never have our fried chicken dinners again. He was gone and, unlike the last time, he was never coming back, despite our promise to never lose touch again. I would never know why he just completely cut me out of his life and part of me didn’t want to know. The only solace that I could find in this was that our last words to one another were “I love you”.
I looked around at the desolate beach and focused my attention on the unusual ocean-like waves kicking up in the moonlit bay. I couldn’t help but think how much those waves mirrored real life. Some would break just before they even had a chance to form. Others started out strong and lost their strength before reaching the shore. Then there were the ones that would start off as two, meeting somewhere in the middle and turning into one, combining their power to help the each other wash ashore.
I raked my hand through my hair and remained focused on the water. “Oh, Nick. I guess we always think that we have forever. You think I would have learned my lesson with that one. We don’t have forever. We’re only guaranteed the present. I would do anything to have you sitting here beside me, making me laugh and helping me through this.” I closed my eyes, feeling the stickiness of the warm salty mist on my face. “I wish that this was all a bad dream and you would come running by in your little ski cap and rescue me, just like you did that day on the beach three months ago.” I didn’t know which was worse…the burn in my eyes, the lump in my throat, or the pain in my heart. “Please promise me that you won't leave me. Promise me that you will stick around and help me get through this because I'm not ready to let you ago again.” I buried my face in my knees, alleviating the burn in my eyes and the lump in my throat, while only deepening the pain in my heart.
