by Beth Rinyu
My two greatest fears in life were losing my child and dying myself. Since I had already faced one of those fears head on, I no longer feared the second. In fact, there were days that I wished for it. It seemed to be the place that everyone that had meant so much to me in life had gone. So how could it be something to fear?
I was merely existing and nothing in life seemed to matter anymore. I had slipped right back into the place that I was in when Charlie first passed away. I tried my best to put my mother’s fears to rest by putting on a façade when I was around her. I didn’t want her to have to worry about me. She had been so supportive of me over the past eleven months, and I didn’t want to keep dragging her down once again. It was when I was alone that those dark thoughts would creep into my mind. Jamie had called me several times and I knew that I owed him a return phone call, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it yet. He was another reminder of how drastically my life had changed in the past year.
Nick’s funeral was tomorrow and his dad had asked me to give the eulogy. I didn’t know what I was thinking when I agreed to do it, but I knew that I owed it to Nick. I had to let everyone else know what a wonderful human being he was. I sat on my bed with my notebook and pen, storming my brain for the absolute perfect words to describe him, realizing that there were no words to describe him or the special relationship that we shared. I closed my eyes, remembering the last time that I had seen him. His double-dimples were the last thing that I saw before he walked out the door. There was nothing that I would change about the night. I had made love to my very best friend and I would never regret that.
I jumped when I heard a knock on my bedroom door. “Come in,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.
When I looked up, I saw a hand sticking in, holding a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I knew immediately that it was Tina hiding behind the door. “I come bearing ice cream,” she joked. I put on my best forced smile when she finally came walking in. “Oh, my god! I love, love, love your hair! You look like you’re seventeen again.”
I rolled my eyes. “I wouldn’t go that far.” She cautiously sat down on my bed and I could tell right away that she was handling me with kid gloves. “What’s up, Tina?” I asked, cutting right to the chase.
She shook her head. “Nothing. I just wanted to see how you’ve been.” One thing about Tina was that she was a horrible liar. “Your mom told me about Nick. I’m so sorry, Hope. I know what great friends the two of you were when you were younger. He was so young for this to have -.”
I put my hand up to stop her. “Please. I don’t want to talk about Nick right now. It just makes me too sad.”
“Okay,” she replied, gently. She was silent for a moment before working up the courage to tell me the real reason for her visit. “Jamie called Alex yesterday. He said you were having dizzy spells.”
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “I am fine, Tina! I told Jamie that I’m fine and now I’m telling you.”
“Okay. He was just concerned and wanted to make sure that you were okay.”
“Well, I’m just…swell!” I said, forcing a smile and holding back the tears. Really, I wasn’t. But it didn’t matter anyway because after going to the doctor yesterday and hearing my diagnosis, it was guaranteed that Jamie and I would no longer have a future.
I could still see the doubt in her eyes, but she wasn’t pushing, especially after our last blow up. She took the lid off the container and handed me a spoon. We propped the pillows up against the wall and stuck our spoons into the ice cream. We were talking and laughing just like we would back in high school, making me wish that I could go back to that time in life before I became scarred with hurt, loss, and death.
After Tina left, I finished up with the eulogy and was very pleased with the outcome. I only hoped that I would be able to keep it together to deliver it. I was mentally drained after pouring out my heart and soul onto paper for the past two hours. I couldn’t wait to crawl into bed. I just wanted to wake up and have this past year be a bad dream. I wanted my Charlie back. I wanted Nick back. I wanted to know that Jamie was still mine forever and we would be living out our happily ever after, the way we had intended.
My phone began to vibrate on my nightstand. My stomach dropped as Jamie displayed on my caller ID.
“Hi, Jamie,” I answered. I could hear my voice cracking with emotion.
“Hey, Hope. I, um…just wanted to see how you’ve been.”
“I’m good.” I choked back a tear, hoping that he didn’t pick up on it.
“Hope, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. I needed my old Jamie so badly right now; the one that would put all my fears to rest.
“Well, I’m going to be home in two weeks and I was hoping we could talk.”
I didn’t know how to answer. I knew that once I faced him, I would have to tell him and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that just yet.
“Umm…yeah, that sounds good,” I whispered.
There was an awkward silence. “Hope, please talk to me. Tell me why you’re so upset. And don’t give me that bullshit that everything is fine. I know you better than that. I know when something is bothering you.”
“It’s just been a really emotional week, that’s all. A good friend of mine from school passed away and tomorrow is the funeral.” That was only part of it, but I hoped that would suffice.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Hope. How are you feeling? Are you still having those dizzy spells?”
“No.” I hated lying to him, but I didn’t want to burden him with a problem that wasn’t his concern.
“Hope?” he pleaded.
“Jamie. I’m okay. Really, I am.”
He sighed heavily. “Well, I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” I nodded as if he could see me. “I love you, Hope.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears. My heart sank, hearing those words coming from him. It had been almost a whole year since I heard him say it, but it was too late now. I wanted to say it back so badly, but I couldn’t. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon, Jamie.” My words were incoherent as I tried to catch my breath between sobs. I quickly hung up the phone and let the tears fall. “I love you, too, Jamie, forever and always,” I whispered to myself before burying my head into my pillow and crying myself to sleep.
I sat in the church, putting up walls around me, trying my best to keep my tears inside. I needed to be strong for Nick today. I needed to get through this eulogy without breaking down. My legs were shaking and I was happy that I didn’t eat much for breakfast because I was quite certain that my nerves couldn’t keep it down. I glanced over at the casket a few times and quickly looked away, not wanting to believe that Nick was actually inside. Painfully, I was bought back to the day of Charlie’s funeral. I had stared at his casket the entire time and totally broke down in the church while my brother consoled me.
My stomach dropped when I heard the priest say, “And now, Nick's lifelong friend would like to share a few words about who he was in life.” My mom took my hand in hers and rubbed it gently, offering her support as I stood up on shaking legs and headed toward the altar. I braced my hands on the podium and stared out at the church full of people. Every pew was filled. There was a sea of blue uniforms along the back wall and the side aisles. I looked in the second pew where Angie sat, wiping away her tears as her mother comforted her. My eyes then shifted to Nick’s mom and stepdad, and finally to Nick's dad and my mother. My mother raised her eyebrow and nodded at me, giving me her sign of reassurance.
I closed my eyes as Nick's face flashed before me. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath before I began to speak. “I was asked to say a few words about Nick today and I have to admit that I was a little nervous at first. But as I sat down and put my pen to paper, the words just flowed out effortlessly, the same way my friendship with Nick always did. Nick was the boy who lived down the street. I had known him ever since I could remember. He was my bike ridin
g buddy, included me in all of the wiffle ball games when all of the other boys would protest, the first boy I ever held hands with, and my very first kiss.” I felt myself choking up when I saw the tears flowing down Nick’s father’s face. I took a deep breath, trying to keep it together. Nick, please, help me get through this without turning into a blubbering mess.
“When Nick moved away the summer before ninth grade, I cried for days, wondering how I would ever survive without my best friend. The years passed. I made new friends, went off to college, got married and moved away, but I still thought about him often. Every time I would come and visit my mother, I was flooded with memories of Nick and the mischief that we would get into as kids. Some of my best childhood memories were the times that I had spent with him. A few months ago, I came back home to try and heal myself after a horrible tragedy in my life.” I choked back a tear and closed my eyes to regain my composure.
“Nick was home on leave, visiting his dad. Spending time with him brought me right back to my childhood when life was simple and we didn’t have a care in the world. We picked right up on our friendship, like there was never any time lost between us. Nick was such a caring, loyal person. I never felt uncomfortable around him and felt as if I could tell him anything without being judged or looked down upon. He was so proud to be a Marine. He loved his family and his fiancé with all his heart.”
I paused briefly when I heard a loud sob come from Angie. Her tear-filled eyes gazed into mine before I continued. “I’m trying my best to take some very good advice that I had been given and celebrate Nick’s life instead of mourning his death.” I looked at my mother. She gave me a sympathetic smile. “I know that’s what Nick would have wanted. He was the best medicine to help bring me out of my fog. He showed me that I really am a strong person and helped me face the world again. Now I must make him proud and prove to him just how strong I am by learning to face the world without this absolutely wonderful man that I considered my very best friend.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I did it. I got through the eulogy without shedding a tear. I knew that Nick was there, helping me stay strong. I stepped down from the altar, trying my best to ignore the sniffles and faint cries coming from the congregation. I looked straight ahead and just focused on my mother, who kept a strong face on for me. I knew that if I looked anywhere else, the dam would break and I didn’t want to do that until I was seated and not the main focus of everyone. I sat down, remaining stone-faced, finally breaking down when Nick’s dad took me in his arms and whispered in my ear, “Thank you, Hope. Thank you for being such a good friend to him in life and in death.”
I was surprised by my strength with getting through the rest of the day. The burial was heart-wrenching. Again, it brought me back to that horrible moment of seeing my Charlie being lowered into the ground forever. But I remained strong, exactly how Nick would have wanted me to be.
We were just leaving the cemetery to head to the luncheon when I heard someone calling my name. I turned around and found myself staring into Angie's beautiful green eyes.
I gave her a slight smile as she approached me. “That was a beautiful eulogy that you gave. Nick would have loved it.”
“Thanks.”
“I know that you guys were really close and I don't know how much he told you, but I really did love him. People make mistakes and I -.”
I held up my hand. “Really, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. It's not my business.”
“I just don't want you to think I'm some heartless monster. I know that I don't know you, but your opinion of me means a lot. I know how much you meant to Nick and maybe, in some small way, if I could make you understand, then maybe I could feel as if I redeemed myself with him for doing what I did.”
I took her hand in mine. “He did love you a lot, Angie, and just because someone we love makes mistakes, that doesn't mean we stop loving them. That love may turn to anger and hurt, but when you truly love someone, it eventually transforms into forgiveness. Nick just never had a chance to get to that point with you.”
She wiped the tears from her eyes. “That day at his party, he told me that you were the most amazing person he’s ever known. Now I can see why.”
Now it was me that was wiping away the tears. I looked away briefly before looking into her eyes again. “Take care of yourself, Angie.”
“You, too,” she whispered as I walked away, no longer able to keep up my strong façade.
The weeks went by as I buried myself in my photography jobs, losing all sense of reality. I had been avoiding Jamie’s phone calls and knew it was just a matter of time before he would be back and I would be forced to face reality. My dizziness and headaches were subsiding, but that still didn’t change my situation or what my future had in store.
It was the one year anniversary of Charlie’s death. I just wanted to stay in bed and not get up until the next day. My stomach was in knots. I had so much on my mind, but the one and only thing that I could focus on today was Charlie. I sat up in my bed, trying my best to face the world. Charlie, help Mommy do this, baby. Help me be strong.
I finally took the first step and headed into the bathroom to take a quick shower. I closed my eyes as the warm water shrouded me. I felt like my life was in complete turmoil as I battled my emotions. I finally stepped out of the shower when my brain began to hurt from overthinking. I quickly dressed and headed out the door. I had taken the day off, knowing that I would be a complete mess and useless for anything today. I took a deep breath and got into my car, preparing myself for the long drive ahead.
An hour and forty-seven minutes later, I was turning down the long and winding road that led to the cemetery. I pulled my car off to the side and walked up the hill that led to Charlie’s grave. I looked around and was thankful that I was all alone. The late morning sunlight was beating down and the sweat was already streaming down my face, but I didn’t care. I needed to be with my Charlie. I placed the cupcake that my mother had made just for him on his headstone and sat down on the ground. “Grandma made this just for you, Charlie. She misses you so much. We all miss you so much. I can’t believe that a whole year has passed already. It seems like just yesterday. I hope you know how much I love you and that I am so sorry that I couldn’t be there for you that day. You were my world, Charlie, the reason that I existed, and I’m trying to keep going without you, but it’s so hard some days.”
I couldn’t hold back anymore and soon found myself unable to breathe though my sobs, finally admitting to myself, after a whole year, that my little boy was really gone and never coming back. I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face in my knees. I rocked back and forth, trying my best to calm myself, slowly lifting my head when I felt someone standing over me. My heart raced and my stomach dropped when I looked up and saw Jamie’s beautiful eyes staring down into mine.
“Jamie,” I whispered, crying even harder at the sight of him.
He bent down beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer. He kissed me on the top of my head as my tears continued to flow.
“He’s really gone. It took me a whole year to come to that realization, but our baby is really gone and he’s never coming back,” I whispered, trying to catch my breath.
He wiped my tears from my eyes. I could tell that he was trying his best to maintain his composure and remain strong for me. I looked at him with gratitude as I breathed in his sweet, familiar scent. I missed him so much and it was only adding to my anguish. He stood up and took my hand, helping me off the ground.
We walked over to a bench at the bottom of the hill and sat down. “I thought I could handle this. I thought I was strong enough,” I said, staring straight ahead.
“You are, Hope. You are very strong. I’m the one that was weak.” No, Jamie, please don’t do this now.
He moved closer and stared at me intently as he ran his hand through my hair. “You cut your hair.” I bit my lip and nodded. “I like it.”
He smiled.
“Thank you.”
“How have you been?” he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to lie. I was finally able to look into his eyes and my heart began to ache. I was staring at this man that I loved with all my heart, knowing that he would be gone forever once he knew the truth. He leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. It didn’t seem to be enough for either of us to quench our desire because he pulled me close and kissed me harder. My insides melted as I ran my hands up and down his back, unable to get enough of him.
He pressed his forehead to mine. “Hope, I missed you so much. The way I treated you, the things I did, I’m not proud of myself. I know that Charlie’s death wasn’t your fault. You would have died for him. It was just easier for me to place blame to help me deal with the situation because I still can’t understand why this could have happened to him.” He pulled me close and hugged me. He broke down in tears and my heart felt like it was going to leap from my chest. “I’ve cried every single day for the past year. I cried for Charlie, I cried for me, and I cried for us. I can’t do this without you anymore, Hope. I love you too damn much to say good bye. He was the best of both of us and if there’s no us, there’s no Charlie. I love you so much, Hope, and I’m so sorry for everything. The way I treated you, the cheating -.”
I held up my hand. “Jamie, please stop.”
“Hope, I can’t stop. I was such an ass to not see what I had in you. I will do whatever it takes to make us a couple again. I will go to counseling with you. I want to be your husband again. The husband that you deserve.”
I began to sob harder. He took my face in his hands. “Hope, what’s the matter? Is this not what you want?”
