A Cry For Hope (ARC)

by Beth Rinyu

  I shook my head. “I didn’t find out until after he -.”

  He rested his chin on my shoulder as a loud sob escaped. He pulled it together and took my face in his hands. “You have no idea how happy you have just made me.”

  I looked up at him and smiled. “I promise you that my husband will be the best dad ever to this baby. I know this from experience.”

  “I have no doubt about that, Hope.” He looked up in the air and smiled. “You’re still managing to put a smile on my face, Nick. I can’t believe I’m going to be a grandpa. This is like his last gift to me.”

  “Mine, too,” I whispered. “I need to say goodbye to him and I kind of have a strange request.”

  Nick’s dad looked at me in anticipation. “What is it?”

  “Nick and I buried a time capsule in your back yard before he moved away, and I have something that I want to add to it.”

  “Ah, the time capsule. That’s right near Herman’s grave.”

  He walked me out into the back yard, stopping under a huge oak tree. I looked down at the large rock, which must have been Herman’s headstone. Nick’s dad looked down at the rock and smiled. “He loved that stupid hamster. I believe that time capsule that you are looking for is right about here. Nick was out here digging around right before he left.”

  He walked into the shed and came out with a small gardening shovel. He began to dig up the dirt until he reached the rusted coffee can that was the time capsule. He placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic smile before heading back into the house. My hands were shaking as I removed the lid from the can. I smiled when I pulled out the worn out picture of Nick and I from Halloween. It must have been taken when we were about six or seven. Nick was a ninja, and I was a cowgirl. I couldn’t contain my laughter or my tears when I pulled out the faux ruby ring that Nick had gotten from a bubble gum machine. He had given that to me in the third grade. It was our friendship ring. I had kept it safely tucked away in my jewelry box in its plastic case. The summer before Nick had moved away, we decided to bury it in the time capsule.

  Next was a note from Nick, written to me in the seventh grade when we would pass notes back and forth during Mrs. Renford’s Geography class:

  Nick: Tara Shield’s asked me to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

  Me: Did you say yes?

  Nick: Not yet.

  Me: Well, what the heck are you waiting for?

  Nick: I wanted to see who you were going to ask.

  I held the piece of paper close to me and closed my eyes. I never did ask Nick to that dance, even though there was no one else that I would have rather gone with. Tara was one of my best friends at the time and I knew how much she adored Nick so I couldn’t do that to her. There were so many memories in this rusted coffee can. Memories that would always be near to my heart and this baby was now a memory of Nick that I would have forever. I finished going through everything. Some of the items would make me laugh, while others would make me cry. I tore open one last envelope and couldn’t control the tears. It was the picture that I had given him of the two of us at the lake house. I turned it over and read the back, which was clearly written in Nick’s handwriting:

  To whoever finds this time capsule…this was taken on one of the happiest days of my life. The girl in this picture is the most kind and caring woman I know. She is beautiful inside and out, and I am so lucky to have been able to call her my very best friend.

  I reached into my purse and pulled out his letter. “I know that you never meant for me to see this so I will bury it and it will always remain just between you and me. I don’t regret that night and I never will.” I folded it up as small as I possibly could and placed it inside.

  I rubbed my belly and looked up at the sky. “Thank you, Nick. Thank you for giving me and Jamie a second chance.”

  I put the lid on the coffee can, placing it back in the hole and packing the dirt back over it. I stood up and looked at the remnants of what was once Nick’s treehouse. Nick and his friends had a secret club in the fourth grade that only boys were allowed to join. Nick, of course, made an exception for me, much to the dismay of the other boys. The initiation to join was climbing the tree to get up to the treehouse without using the ladder. Nick was going to waive that requirement for me, but Billy Watson, the most mean-spirited kid in the fourth grade, wouldn’t allow it, saying that it wasn’t fair. Even at ten-years-old, Nick was a gentleman. My heart soared just thinking back to that day:

  “No, Nick. We’re already bending the rules by letting a girl join. If she wants to be part of the club, then she has to climb the tree!” Billy said.

  “Well, it’s my treehouse and I say she doesn’t have to climb it!” Nick protested.

  “Ah, Nick, come on. That’s not fair!” Billy and the other three boys began to groan.

  “No, Nick, I can do it,” I said, not wanting them to get mad at him over me.

  “Are you sure?”

  I nodded.

  “She’s not going to be able to do it!” Billy tormented.

  “Shut up, Billy!” Nick shouted.

  Nick climbed up to the first branch with ease and sat there waiting for me. “Come on, Hope. Just stick your foot in the branch and pull yourself up,” he coached.

  My hands and legs were trembling. I took a deep breath and placed my foot in the branch. I lost my footing and slid, scraping my knee along the way. “Ouch,” I whispered loud enough so Billy could hear me.

  “She’s gonna fall,” he teased, while the other boys laughed.

  “Come on, Hope,” Nick said, holding out his hand and making his way into the treehouse. I made it to the second branch and looked down at the ground and my stomach dropped. “Don’t look down, Hope. Just keep climbing!” Nick shouted.

  I focused my attention on the boys looking up at me, making faces at me, waiting for me to fall or chicken out so I would be out of their club forever. Then I looked back up at Nick holding his hand out to me, encouraging me to keep going. I took a deep breath and lifted myself to the branch above me just as Nick took my hand and guided me into the treehouse. Neither one of us could contain our smiles as we high-fived and hugged each other. “You did it, Hope!”

  I was overcome with joy. I was so proud of myself for casting my fears aside and showing those boys that I could do it and, before I could even stop myself, I had planted a sweet, innocent kiss on Nick’s lips, taking us both a little off-guard. “Oops, sorry!” I giggled. Nick was all dimples as he blushed. “You’ll always be my best buddy forever, Nick!” The smile that had been stretched across my face during that beautiful daydream slowly faded away when reality began to creep back in. My biggest supporter, the person who was always there to cheer me on, was really gone. “You will always be my best buddy, Nick. Forever,” I whispered.

  A welcoming breeze began to rustle the leaves, temporarily providing some relief from the warm August heat. My ears perked up when I heard a bird that seemed to be calling me. I listened closely and followed its hypnotic tune. My eyes widened when I spotted the beautiful cardinal sitting on the fence. He continued to sing as I slowly inched closer. Tears rolled down my face as I looked into its eyes. “I love you, Nick. Take good care of my baby, and I promise you that Jamie and I will take good care of yours.”

  I texted my mother to let her know that I was home safe and sound as I stood on my front porch, trying to work up the courage to go inside. There was no sign of Jamie when I finally entered. My heart began to race as I slowly walked up the stairs. I could hear the water running in the bathroom. A million thoughts raced through my mind as I sat on my bed and waited for him to finish in the shower. Should I have called him first? What if he changed his mind and doesn’t want to do this? My stomach dropped when I heard the water turn off. He exited the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist and water beading on his chest. His eyes met mine and a smile slowly spread across his face.

  “So, I was wondering. Will you
still want me when I have a big ol’ belly?” His smile became wider and he nodded. I stood up and threw my arms around his neck. “Promise me that Charlie is the only thing from the past that we will remember.”

  “I promise,” he said.

  “I love you, Jamie. I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too, baby.”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up to his level. Excitement raced through my veins when I felt his lips on mine. I was kissing my Jamie, the man I loved for so long, and not the man that he was just a few months ago. I ran my hands through his damp hair as he placed me back down and pressed his forehead to mine. “I missed you so much. I can’t believe I almost lost you. I can’t believe I was -.”

  I shook my head and traced his lips with my finger. “Remember, no dwelling on the past. Instead, let’s think about our present and our future, starting right now,” I whispered in his ear as I undid his towel, watching it drop to the floor.

  I stretched my arms over my head. Jamie’s arms were wrapped tightly around me and his legs were intertwined in mine. Waking up this way was the best feeling in the world. I watched his chest rise and fall. I had forgotten how much I missed just staring at him as he slept. Last night had been wonderful. My body was still recovering from the excitement that being with Jamie had caused. It had been so long since we had made love in that way. I felt connected to him once again. I ran my finger along his cheek. I loved this man so much. I had set him free and he had come back to be here for me and this baby. Our baby. I kissed him softly on the chest and felt his arms gripping me tighter as he opened his eyes.

  “Good morning.” I smiled up at him.

  He was silent. He just held me tighter and kissed me on the head. “I never want to let you go. I just want to hold you forever,” he whispered in my ear. He pulled me on top of him and pushed my hair from my face. “I love you more than anything in this world and I will spend the rest of my life making up for the year that we’ve lost.”

  I pressed my lips against his. “Remember our deal. No dwelling on the past.” He gently caressed my face and nodded.

  “Hey, meet me in the kitchen in about fifteen minutes. I’ve got a surprise for you.” He kissed me on the cheek and gently slid out from underneath me.

  I crinkled my forehead at him as he got up and threw on his shorts. “A surprise in the kitchen? From you? I think that’s more like a disaster.”

  “You’d be shocked what a guy can learn when he’s forced to.” He bent down and gave me one last kiss before exiting the bedroom.

  I hugged his pillow tightly, breathing in his familiar scent before getting up. This wasn’t a dream. This was really happening. I went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. My skin was glowing as I looked in the mirror. I wasn’t sure if it had to do with my pregnancy or the fact that I had just spent last night making love to the man I loved, like we used to before our life had changed so drastically. I had a feeling that it was a little bit of both. As I stepped out of the bathroom, I was pleasantly surprised by the delicious aroma coming from the kitchen. Was I really that hungry, or had Jamie actually learned how to cook?

  Charlie’s bedroom seemed to be calling my name as I walked past. I slowly walked in, taking a seat on his bed. I looked around, feeling the familiar burn in my eyes. I picked up his favorite teddy bear and squeezed it tightly “Well, baby, Mommy did it. Thank you so much for holding my hand through this first year. I was really scared, but I carried you in my heart. You will be in my heart forever. The same way that Poppy and Nick will always be.” I wiped the stray tear that was rolling down my face. “I love you so much, Charles Jamie McAdams. As long as I live, you will always be my number one guy.”

  I looked up to find Jamie standing in the doorway. He took a seat next to me on the bed, taking the teddy bear from my hands. “He really put him through the ringer, didn’t he?” he said, running his thumb over the stuffing that was coming out of the bear’s arm.

  “Yup, Lenny Bear was his favorite,” I whispered. “You know, he wouldn’t let me sew up his arm because he was afraid it would hurt him.” Jamie bit his lip as a smile slowly spread across his face. This was the first time we had been able to talk about Charlie where I saw Jamie smile.

  “Well, I think that he would want his little brother or sister to have him. What do you think?” he asked, finally removing his eyes from the teddy bear and staring into mine.

  I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or smile at his words so I did both. I looked at him and nodded. “I love you so much, Jamie,” I whispered as I hugged him tightly.

  “I love you, too.” He stood up and took my hand, pulling me off the bed. “Wait till you taste what I made for you.”

  I held his hand as he led me out the door, stopping dead in my tracks as I focused on the cardinal tattoo on his bare shoulder and the new set of initials that were printed underneath: CJM -- Charles Jamie McAdams. “What’s the matter?” he asked, turning around.

  I shook my head and threw my arms around him, burying my head into his warm chest. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I smiled. It had been such a whirlwind year. My heart had taken the most emotional journey of its life and survived, and standing here in the arms of the man that I loved, I knew that my journey was over. I had finally found my way back home.

  I sat by the lake in front of my doctor’s office, snapping pictures of the beautiful fall foliage as I waited for Jamie. I never got tired of looking at the vibrant shades of red and gold that adorned the trees. Fall was definitely my favorite time of year. Jamie and I had come so far in just the two short months that had passed. We still continued with our weekly therapy appointments, but this baby growing inside of me seemed to be all of the therapy that we needed. We were happy again. We were that couple that we used to be. Even though we knew that something would always be missing, we were learning to live with it instead of running away from it.

  I thought of Nick often and there wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t thankful that he had come back into my life at a time that I needed him most. I wouldn’t have been the strong person that I was today if it weren’t for him. Jamie and I didn’t discuss the circumstances of my pregnancy with anyone. If people wanted to surmise their own conclusions, we were fine with that. As long as we both knew the truth and were okay with it, that’s all that mattered. I was happy with my decision to tell Nick’s dad. Nick was his only child and the fact that he and my mom were now basically inseparable, I knew that it was the right thing to do. He would beam every time he saw me, knowing that a part of Nick would live on forever.

  “Hey!” I was so deep in thought that I jumped when Jamie came up behind me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I put my camera down and smiled as he took a seat next to me. “Why are you so jumpy?”

  I shrugged. “Just nervous, I guess.”

  “About what?” he asked, taking a seat next to me.

  “What if something’s wrong? I mean, I am over thirty. It’s a lot riskier than when you’re in your twenties. I haven’t had any morning sickness, and everything I’m reading online says -.”

  He placed his finger over my lips. “Hope, you’re rambling. You do this every time you’re nervous about something. Everything is going to be fine.”

  “It’s just…I don’t think we can handle any more bad news -.”

  This time he placed his lips on mine, parting my mouth with his tongue to stop me from talking. I had to admit that it was the perfect distraction. “No more rambling?” he teased.

  “Well, I don’t know. If that’s how you plan on stopping me…” I looked up at him and giggled.

  He stood up and pulled me off the bench, taking my hand as we walked into the medical building. I signed in and we took our seat. I nervously bounced my leg up and down, and Jamie placed his hand on my thigh. He smiled and shook his head, and I immediately stopped. “Sorry,” I whispered.

  I picked up a magazine and quickly flipped throu
gh the pages before placing it down. “You know, Patty said we should paint the nursery yellow if we’re not going to find out the sex, but I say we should do it in mint green or even lavender. But, you know, lavender could be a little girly. Yeah, I say the mint green, unless you -.” Jamie’s smile was a mile wide. “I know, I’m rambling.” He took my hand in his and moved it up to his lips. “I think your other method of controlling it is more effective,” I joked.

  “Hope?” The ultrasound tech stood in the doorway with my chart in hand. I grabbed on to Jamie’s hand as she led us back to the room.

  I lay down on the table and felt the cold jelly being placed on my belly. I had my head turned away from the screen and was focusing on Jamie. “So, where did you want to go for lunch? Your mom said that new Italian place on Second Street is really good, but I don’t know if I feel like Italian because then I will just end up eating pasta and I’ve been eating way too many carbs. Plus, we just had pasta last night and -.”

  I stopped myself from my rambling when I noticed that Jamie wasn’t paying attention to a word I was saying. He was too busy looking at the screen. “Hope, look,” he said, pointing to the screen. His eyes finally meant mine and he nodded. “It’s okay. Go ahead, look.”

  I slowly turned my head. The ultrasound tech moved the wand around my belly. My eyes began to tear up as the memory of my very best friend and the best gift he could have given me flashed on the screen. I bit my lip and smiled as tears rolled down my face. I pulled Jamie close and whispered in his ear. “There’s our second chance.”

  His beautiful eyes were full of emotion as he kissed me on the head. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” he whispered back. I grabbed his hand tightly, never wanting to let it go.

  “Everything looks great,” the ultrasound tech said. “Did you guys want to find out the sex today?” she asked.

  I looked up at Jamie. “Well, it will solve your lavender and green dilemma,” he joked.