by Kyra Lennon
Back at Josh and Christina's I managed to avoid watching the match by helping Christina with both the cooking and the washing up, then giving Grace a bath and putting her to bed. After watching TV for a while with Jamie curled up on my lap, it was finally time to put him to bed too. He insisted that I be the one to do it, so I told him to go and put his pyjamas on and clean his teeth.
Jamie's bedroom was like a shrine to the Warriors and it was entirely my fault because I’d sent most of it to him. All over the walls were posters of the players, and his duvet, curtains and lampshade were emblazoned with the Westberg logo.
“Wow,” I said, looking around in amusement.
“Do you like it?” Jamie asked enthusiastically.
“It's … interesting.”
Jamie smiled and dived into his bed, wrapping himself in his duvet in much the same way I’m partial to doing.
I made sure he was properly tucked in, then sat down beside him. I was about to say goodnight when a photograph beside Jamie's bed caught my attention.
I lifted the frame to look at it more closely. It was a photo of me, Radleigh and Jamie at the Aquarium. I remembered the exact moment it had been taken. It was right before we left, and Josh had insisted we had our photo taken together. I'd grumbled but Radleigh had put his arm around me, and with Jamie in front of us, we’d been snapped.
The photo turned out great, unlike my relationship with Radleigh. It was a happy picture, we were laughing and the emotion shone through.
Tears prickled my eyes as I let my gaze linger on Radleigh's face.
God, when will this endless weeping be over?
“Mummy said I could keep this photo by my bed because you and Radleigh McCoy are my favourite people in the whole world.”
Quickly wiping the tears from my eyes, I placed the photo back on the bedside table and smiled at my nephew. “I'm one of your favourite people, huh?”
Jamie nodded, looking at me seriously. “Mummy said that I mustn't talk to you about him because he's not your friend anymore.”
“Oh Jamie, you can talk about him. It's okay.”
I appreciated that Christina had been trying to ease any potential awkwardness but I didn't want Jamie to have to quell his soccer enthusiasm on my account.
“I don't want to make you upset,” Jamie said.
“Don't worry about me. If I feel upset, it isn't your fault.”
“Did Radleigh McCoy make you sad?”
“A little bit.”
“Please don't cry, Auntie Leah,” Jamie said as he unravelled himself from his duvet and sat up to give me a hug. “If you don't want me to like him anymore, I won't.”
The thoughtfulness of this little boy was overwhelming.
“You don't have to stop liking him,” I said. “I still like him.”
“Do you?”
I nodded. “Very much. Just because we're not friends anymore, doesn't mean I don't like him. And it certainly doesn't mean you should stop liking him.”
“I like you the most, Auntie Leah, don't worry.”
With a soft laugh I said, “I'm glad to hear it. Now it's time you were asleep, young man!”
“Okay,” Jamie agreed reluctantly.
He got back into bed and I kissed him on the cheek.
“Goodnight, J.”
“Night night. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I stood up and turned out his bedroom light, lingering a moment to watch as he turned over and closed his eyes. If one thing was going to make being at home worthwhile, it was watching how incredible Jamie was turning out to be. Eight years old and already he was more thoughtful than most fully grown men I'd ever met. How many children would offer to give up on their hero to make their aunt happy?
The memories of what I'd left behind were crippling me, but at least with my family around me I wouldn't have to deal with it alone.
.
Chapter 22: Don't Make This Difficult
“Leah, you have to come! Please?”
Those were some of the final words Freya said to me during the last phone conversation we'd had. I'd been back in England for five long uneventful weeks and in another three, Freya, Will, Jesse and Miguel were amongst the people coming over for the Westberg Warriors tour. It seemed like years since I'd seen them and passing up the chance to spend time with them wasn't something I’d ever imagined doing. However, Radleigh's inclusion on the tour was a factor I couldn't ignore. When Freya asked me to meet up with them in London, I'd been a little vague about my answer. She understood my reluctance, but throwing this opportunity away because of what happened with Radleigh seemed insane to her. I really didn't have a good reason not to be there either. Josh was taking Jamie to one of the matches as promised, so I wouldn't even have difficulty getting there.
The real problem for me was facing Radleigh.
I wouldn’t be able to avoid him. Bree had already told me to start finding good places to party in London, and I knew what that meant. It wouldn't only be my close friends, it would be everyone on the tour going out with us. On the one hand, a decent night out was exactly what I needed. On the other, an evening spent being ignored by the man I (still) loved was exactly what I didn't need.
Thinking about it gave me a headache. I needed to talk to someone.
After mulling things over for three straight hours while pretending to watch television with my parents, I decided to get an early night then go and see Christina the next morning.
“Do you really not want to see him?” was the first question Christina asked once I explained things to her.
The two of us were sitting in her conservatory, heavy rain pounding down on the glass roof. On the floor between us, Grace played contentedly with her toys as I stared out at the torrents of rain pouring from the sky.
The greyness matched my mood.
“I really don't want to see him.”
“Why not? Maybe a bit of closure will be good for you.”
“Closure,” I repeated. “Sure. But it won't happen. All that will happen is we’ll exchange random looks but neither of us will actually say anything because there’s nothing left to say.”
“No? Leah, are you telling me there is nothing at all you want to say to him?”
“Like what?”
“You tell me. There’s no point pretending you don't think about him though. There must be something you want to say to him.”
I missed you. I hate you. Why didn’t you call? Did you even notice I was gone?
“I think about him but that doesn’t matter,” I said. “I'm not going to feed his ego by telling him I missed him. What would be the point when he made his feelings crystal clear before I left? Seeing him would bring it all back again and I don't know if I can stand it.”
“So forget about him. Go to London, be with your friends and pretend he isn't there.”
“I wish he wasn't coming at all, then everything would so much easier!”
With a small laugh Christina said, “Okay. Imagine Freya calls you back, and tells you there’s been a change of plan and he isn't coming after all.”
I actually clutched my stomach at the very scary prospect that he wouldn't be there. I looked up at Christina in surprise. She gave me a knowing smile. “You want to see him.”
I closed my eyes. “I guess I do.”
****
Josh, Jamie and I drove up to London the day before the match. As an extra bribe to make sure I got there, Josh bought us tickets to see We Will Rock You in the West End on Sunday night. What can I say, I’m a Queen fan. We decided to make the weekend a huge event. Theatre on Sunday, football on Monday.
In spite of my doubts I was excited to be going, not only to see my friends, but to be back to London. The city gave me a real buzz, and although I wouldn't have time to see much of it, knowing I was breaking free from the boredom of home was enough.
It was a six hour drive from Cornwall to London, so we set off early. I wasn't sure Jamie had slept the night befo
re because he was so keyed up. In the car, he took his Nintendo DS to keep him quiet but he barely played with it. The three of us chatted, and had a singalong to Josh's favourite Queen CD to put us in the mood for the show.
We arrived in London a little after one that afternoon. Our hotel was right in the heart of the city, and frighteningly expensive too. It was the same hotel my friends would be staying in which explained the price.
After we checked in and had lunch, I went up to my room to relax for a while. As always, my mind drifted to Radleigh. In the three weeks I'd had to psych myself up, ready for the prospect of seeing him, I’d fluctuated between freaking out and wanting to see him. On some levels, I couldn't wait to be in a room with him again, to see his face, to hear his voice. But I was terrified too.
Going to the theatre on Sunday night was a great distraction from the nerves. When we left the theatre, Jamie and I were still singing the songs in the cab back to the hotel. After one quick drink in the hotel bar, we decided to call it a night, and exhausted as I had been from the journey and the worrying, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
The following morning – despite how worn out I'd been the night before – I awoke exceptionally early. The nerves and anticipation of seeing my friends again overwhelmed me. I couldn't keep still.
I knew Jamie would be equally as feverish, and would have woken Josh up at the ass crack of dawn so I showered, changed and headed down to meet them for breakfast.
True to my suspicions, when I arrived in the hotel restaurant my nephew was bouncing up and down in his seat as my brother tried to make him calm down and eat his Coco Pops.
“Morning,” I said, slipping into my seat and helping myself to a cup of tea and a slice of toast.
“Hello,” Josh said with a smile. “Looking forward to today?”
I contemplated my answer momentarily, confused about how I actually felt. Obviously, I was dying to see Freya, Will and the others. However Radleigh was at the forefront of my mind and I didn’t know what to expect when I saw him.
“Yeah, I am,” I replied, before looking at Jamie and breaking into a grin. “I can see someone else is too.”
“Tell me about it. He's been up since six-thirty!”
“I don't want us to be late and miss anything,” Jamie said. “What happens if the players get to the stadium early and I don't get to see them? Or what if there's traffic on the way that makes us late?”
Freya and Will had promised we could take Jamie on a tour of the stadium and meet some more of the team. It was a generous offer but it had led to Jamie being even more hyped up than usual, which was fine for me because I didn’t have to share a room with him. For Josh, it was like being caged up with a kangaroo with ADD.
“J, chill, everything will be fine.”
Thankfully, the day went smoothly and we arrived at the stadium at ten minutes to two. The ten minute wait seemed like a lifetime. I couldn't stop myself glancing at my watch every ten seconds. The time was moving so slowly I could have sworn it was going backwards.
Finally, the sound of Big Ben in the distance announced that it was two o’clock and Freya and Will pulled up in a cab, dead on time, and clambered out to greet us.
“Freya!” I exclaimed, running down the steps and flinging myself into her arms. “It's so good to see you!”
“It's good to see you too!”
After embracing Freya once more, I turned to Will.
“I've missed you both so much,” I said.
“We’ve missed you too,” Will said. “Work isn't the same without you around. It's too quiet for starters.”
We laughed, relishing being reunited again, and then I turned to introduce my friends to Jamie and Josh before we headed into the stadium, where Will and Freya signed in as Westberg employees. Josh, Jamie and I were presented with visitors passes, as guests of Will and Freya. It felt a little odd for me to be entering as a visitor and not a worker, although I was pleased I wouldn't have the usual pre-match stress heaped on me when someone injured themself at the last minute.
Once we were inside, Bree immediately descended on me, screaming my name.
“I can't believe you're really here!” she squealed.
I laughed. “Me neither, but I couldn't keep away!”
“I missed you so, so, so, so much!”
It was easy to fit back in with everyone, and after introducing Josh and Jamie to Bree and chatting for a while, it was as if I'd never been away. Jamie gazed at both Freya and Bree in turn, an adoring look on his face. He'd barely said a word since we'd met up with them, suddenly shy. He stayed close beside me, holding on to my hand.
“Where’s Jesse?” I asked. “Is he late?”
“Oh!” Freya said. “I meant to call you but I was so busy yesterday, I completely forgot. Jesse took a fall during training and hurt his back. He’ll be okay, but he was in too much pain to make the trip.”
“Aw, I was looking forward to seeing him and legally buying him a beer!”
“He was looking forward to seeing you too.”
“I’ll give him a call in a few days and see how he’s doing.”
I jumped as something tickled my cheek and as I turned, I grinned, seeing Miguel's head peering over my shoulder. He'd crept up on me while I'd been talking.
“Hello angel,” he said, kissing me on the cheek. “How are you?”
“Better now I've seen you!”
“You look great, Leah. Really great.”
I’d missed Miguel as much as I’d missed Freya. I'd missed those big brown eyes, and the wild hair, not to mention the warmth of his hugs and the soothing sound of his voice.
“Thanks, but I look like hell.”
“You never look like hell, and I know you’ll have made sure you looked perfect before coming here so quit being so hard on yourself.”
I laughed because he was right. In the car, I’d checked my make-up and reapplied my lip gloss to make sure I looked at least half decent. Perfect was a bit of a stretch though.
I hugged him again but our embrace was cut short as Jamie let out a yelp of excitement.
“Radleigh!”
Jamie let go of my hand and as I turned to see where he’d sped off to, my eyes were greeted with the sight of a very surprised looking McCoy. Jamie flew at him and Radleigh recovered from the shock enough to smile at my nephew and lift him into the air.
“Hey, Jamie,” he laughed. “How are you doing?”
Jamie hugged Radleigh and said, “I'm fine. Daddy and Auntie Leah brought me here and Auntie Leah's friend let us backstage to see everyone!”
The whole place seemed to stand still as Radleigh and I surveyed each other.
When you don’t see someone for a while, sometimes the image of them changes in your mind. Maybe they get thinner, or the details of their face begin to fade. Not with Radleigh. Everything from the way his t-shirts clung to his muscles, to the colour of his eyes and the shape of his lips had never left my mind.
Taking a deep breath, I surprised everyone, including myself, by approaching him. If I had to speak to him, I may as well get it over with.
“Leah,” he said with an uncertain smile. “I didn't know you were coming.”
“There's a reason for that.”
“You didn't want to see me?”
“Not particularly. I came to see Freya.”
“And Miguel, by the looks of it,” he said, his tone somewhere between teasing and mild discontent.
“I came to see my friends,” I told him, emphasising the last word.
As his ice blue eyes gazed at me I saw him examining my face for a sign that I'd missed him. I tried to keep my expression neutral. It wasn't easy with him looking at me that way.
“Leah, can we go somewhere so we can talk?”
My heart leapt into my throat but I was very aware that there were at least six people staring at us, so I needed to either accept his offer or quickly decline so as not to prolong the moment any longer.
The
problem was, I didn't know what I wanted to do.
“I don't know,” I answered. “I've only just got here and-”
“Please?”
It was a simple plea. But that was exactly what it was.
I looked down at Jamie and said, “J, can you tell your dad that I need to talk to Radleigh for a while? I won't be long.”
Jamie looked from me to Radleigh with a serious expression. “You're not going to argue, are you?”
Perceptive kid.
“No,” I told him. “We're not going to argue.”
I couldn't be sure, but I'd have said anything to put his mind at rest.
Jamie swivelled his head round to look at Radleigh. “Please don't make Auntie Leah cry. I don't like it when she cries.”
I wasn't sure whether to hug him or throttle him. He'd spoken with such innocence, but strongly implied that I’d been crying a lot, which was true. I just didn't want Radleigh to know.
Radleigh smiled down at Jamie. “I won't make her cry.”
Jamie grinned at him. “Okay.”
He bounded back over to Josh and the others.
Once Radleigh and I were away from prying eyes, in another unfamiliar locker room, I said, “What do you want?”
For a moment he looked as confused as I felt so I sat down on a bench and waited for him to begin. I’d kind of missed the pungent smell of locker rooms. That very distinct aroma of football boots, clean team shirts, sweat and mud was strangely welcoming.
Radleigh’s silence allowed me to take in every detail of him. His dark hair, the tattoos peeking out from the sleeves of his shirt, his strong arms that had held me close then pushed me away.
“I'm glad you're here, Leah.”
His words released me from the bad memories.
“Why?” I asked.
“Why do you think?”
“I have no clue. Maybe you missed having me around to annoy. Maybe you haven't argued with anyone in a while so you thought you'd try me. Or perhaps you want to have another go at humiliating me. Am I close?”
“I missed you,” he said, in a tone I'd never heard from him before.
