by Maisey Yates
“Well, I don’t have much experience with that,” Jack said, shrugging, “but I can try.”
Jack walked over to the fridge and opened it, bending down and pulling out a few bottles of beer. “So I spent my day dealing with sperm. How was your workday?”
Liss’s head whipped to the side, and her gaze collided with Connor’s. Then looked away. “What?”
“We artificially inseminated one of my horses today,” Jack said, straightening, two beer bottles in each hand. “And that was way closer to that sort of thing than I’ve ever wanted to be. It feels mean, really, making it all such a sterile process. But it’s cheaper to ship frozen horse semen than it is to ship the horse.”
Connor winced. “Could you stop saying that word? And words related to it?”
“You run a ranch, Garrett. I would’ve thought you had a little more fortitude than that.”
Yeah, normally he did, and Liss knew it. Though it was a little bit trickier to be discussing these topics considering what happened last night.
“Man, I just let a bull loose in the field and he can have at it,” Connor said, holding his hands up. “I don’t order containers of champion baby gravy.”
“Because you raise these guys for meat. I’m breeding champions.”
“Just don’t use that as a pickup line,” Liss said, sidestepping through the room, hoping to escape. Hoping to put a little bit of distance between herself and Connor.
“I do okay with the pickup lines I have,” Jack said, a half smile curling his lips.
Liss went into the dining room and set about doing busywork. Fanning out paper napkins, helping Jack put the beer in the ice and arranging the paper plates in various positions.
Connor stuck to the kitchen, his excuse that he was babysitting the frozen pizza that was baking in the oven. She was not going to call him on the fact that a frozen pizza did not need to be babysat. If Jack thought it was weird, he didn’t say anything. So he probably didn’t think it was weird, because Jack almost always said something.
As soon as the pizza came out of the oven, Sadie, Eli and Kate came in as if the kitchen timer had called them.
After much jostling, everyone took their seats around the table, except for Connor, who was back in the kitchen taking care of something that probably didn’t really need to be taken care of. But when everything settled, the only vacant chair that remained was the one to the right of Liss. Because of course, it would be assumed that she and Connor would want to sit next to each other. Or, if not want to, that they wouldn’t have a problem with it. In truth, very likely no one had thought of it at all. But she had.
She had a problem with it right now. Mainly because she was caught in this weird place where she wanted to run away and hide from Connor and also put her hand in his lap.
Connor walked in then stopped as he saw the vacant chair next to her. Clearly, he was caught in a similar place. So maybe he just wanted to run away. He was the one who had stopped things between them last night, after all.
After he’d had an orgasm. Typical.
“I guess I’ll sit next to Liss,” he said, his announcement making things extra weird.
“You sound kind of bummed out about that, Connor,” Kate said. “Do you think she has cooties?”
“No,” he said, shooting a glare at Kate before he moved to the table and came to sit beside her.
Their eyes met again, and she felt as if they had an actual collision. The impact of his gaze was like getting hit in the face with a brick.
And much like getting hit in the face with a brick, it was impossible for her to hide her reaction.
He leaned back in his chair, and his shoulder brushed hers. She swallowed hard, certain that everybody must be able to feel the tension that was wound so tight between them. Because it was obvious. It all came back to that stamp. The one that was on her forehead, advertising last night’s activities.
“What’s the game?” Eli asked, putting his hand on the deck of cards that was at the center of the table.
“Five-card draw,” Kate said.
“No preference,” Sadie said. “Because I still pretty much don’t know what any of the games are.”
“Yes, you do,” Jack said. “And it’s that kind of acting that gets us fleeced every week.”
“I guess you should have learned by now,” Sadie said, smiling sweetly.
“I’m a slow learner when it comes to pretty faces,” Jack said. Kate contorted her mouth into a sneer, sticking her tongue out. “Faces like that,” Jack said, winking.
“Don’t even try it,” Connor said, giving Jack a warning glare.
“Oh, please,” Kate said, rolling her eyes.
Jack just smiled.
“Are we going to play cards, or what?” Connor asked, taking the deck of cards from beneath Eli’s hand and starting to deal.
He went around the table, flinging out cards quickly, then placed the remaining cards back at the center of the table. “Okay, let’s do this.”
They went a few rounds, raising the pot by five and ten cents apiece each time. They played for loose change around here. But a big pot wasn’t the point. It never had been.
“Anyone else?” Jack asked.
“I call,” Kate said.
“Me, too,” Sadie said.
“Call,” Eli said.
“Call,” she and Connor said at the same time, their unison annoying her.
“Cards down,” Jack said. “Royal flush. Suck it.”
Jack always talked like that, especially during cards. But for some reason, his little comments and double entendres had become very, very apparent today. Okay, not for some reason. She knew exactly the reason. Because last night, she had been sucking it. And so tonight, when Jack said things like that, all she could do was imagine sucking it again.
She felt her face getting hot, and she knew that her cheeks were red.
“It’s just a card game, Liss,” Jack said. “Relax. Don’t look so much like you want to tear my throat out with your teeth.”
She realized that she was still clutching her cards, and that everyone was staring at her. She put them down. “I don’t have anything,” she said, her words tumbling out quickly.
“I knew I would end up with all your money,” Jack said, pulling the pot toward him.
“Just one more game,” Connor said, “then I need to get some sleep.”
“Rough night?” Eli asked.
Liss knew that Eli was not implying anything, and she knew that Eli didn’t know anything. But it did not stop the heat in her face from intensifying.
“No, it was fine. Why would you ask that?” Connor asked.
“You’re kind of twitchy,” Eli said. “And grumpy.”
“I’m always grumpy,” Connor said.
If Connor was grumpy, Liss hadn’t noticed, because she had been too busy being wrapped up in her own blanket of awkwardness.
“True,” Kate said. “He is always grumpy.”
“See? I’m a professional asshole.”
“But you do make great pizza,” Jack said, taking a slice from the pan at the center of the table.
“Yeah, I’m very proficient at opening cardboard boxes.”
“How is it you’re still single?” Jack asked.
Connor tensed, a muscle in his jaw ticking. “Because my wife is dead.”
Silence settled over the room. Eli shifted uncomfortably while Sadie looked to him as if pleading for him to solve the mess that had just landed in front of them. Kate looked straight ahead, her gaze fixed, her eyes glittering. Like she might cry.
Jack cleared his throat. “Shit, dude. I was just teasing. I wasn’t thinking.”
“No, I know you weren’t thinking. Why would you? It’s been three years. Should be over i
t.”
“No, you shouldn’t,” Jack said. “I’m an ass.”
Right then, Liss felt the hole at the table. The empty space where Jessie had been. Her pretty friend, whose laugh could fill up a whole room. Jessie, who had been so lovely that Liss could never hate her, even when she’d married the man of Liss’s dreams.
And thinking of her now...it made her want to curl into a ball and cry. She was gone, and that hurt. It was also a reminder of everything that stood between her and Connor. Not just a friendship, but a grief that was still bigger than both of them.
“You know what? I’m really tired. I’m going to bed.” She stood up and walked out of the room, feeling shaky, feeling weak. What was her problem? She was acting like a child. And everybody was going to think she was crazy. Especially since she’d been nuts through half of the game. And now Connor had gotten his feelings hurt, and she was acting like it was about her.
She just needed a shower. And to sleep. One night hadn’t dealt with their mistakes. Maybe another night would.
* * *
CONNOR STARED DOWN at the center of the table, not quite sure what had just happened. “I think the party is over tonight,” he said, pushing himself up. “I probably need to go talk to her.”
“I’m sorry, Connor.” Jack looked genuinely remorseful, which was so unusual for him that Connor didn’t have it in him to be mad at all. Just annoyed that everything made him think of the past. That even when well-meaning townspeople weren’t taking him back there with their sympathetic comments, he brought himself back there. That he couldn’t let go, because he didn’t want to. Even though he did.
Basically, he had too many damn feelings for a man who didn’t like dealing with feelings.
“Don’t be.”
“No, do be,” Eli said. “I don’t know what’s going on,” he said, turning his attention to Connor, “but go fix it.”
“Yeah,” Connor said, nodding at his brother. He wasn’t going to pretend that nothing was happening between him and Liss, because even if they wouldn’t guess they’d crossed the line last night, things were obviously tense. Hell, if they weren’t tense, she wouldn’t have stormed out like that. “Kate, feel free to take the pizza.”
“Thanks,” she said, picking up the pan that still had a quarter of a pie on it.
“Is that my punishment?” Jack asked. “I don’t get the pizza?”
“Yes, now go home and think about what you did,” Kate said, grinning unrepentantly.
“Or I’ll follow you home and eat your pizza,” Jack said.
“Better not,” Kate said, “or I’ll mess up your pretty-boy face something good.”
“She probably will,” Sadie said. “She’s very serious about pizza.”
Eli jerked his head in the direction of the door. “Come on, let’s go.” He wasn’t wearing his uniform today, but his tone certainly was, and Jack and Kate rushed to obey.
Sadie lingered, a line deepening between her brows, her lips turned down into a frown. It was that look he often got. Worry wrapped in sympathy. But coming from Sadie it didn’t gall as much as it did from others. She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”
He looked at her. “As okay as I ever am.”
“That’s what worries me. You’re never all that okay, are you?”
He thought back to last night, to the moments of pure, heady sexual desire that hadn’t been tied to anything heavy or sad.
“That’s not true,” he said. “Sometimes I’m drunk.”
“Connor,” she said, pure censure lacing her tone. “Don’t joke like that.”
“You really are like having another sister. That’s not a compliment,” he said, but it was.
“Yeah, I try. I also worry. What’s up with Liss?”
“I don’t know.” Which was partly true. “But I’m going to find out.”
“She was really good friends with your wife, wasn’t she?”
“She was.”
“I wish I could’ve known her. Because with as much as you all loved her, I know I would have, too.”
“You would have,” he said. “She was very organized. She took great care of me. Probably a little bit too great. Probably why I’m such a big baby now.”
“You aren’t a baby. But you are in pain. If you ever need anything, you can talk to me. I was a professional at this in another life. Also, I care about you.”
Emotion tightened his chest, and he cleared his throat, trying to get rid of it. “Thanks, Sadie. I probably won’t take you up on that. But it means something that you offered.”
Sadie forced a laugh. “At least you’re honest.”
He lifted a shoulder. “Sometimes.”
“Good night, Connor. Good luck.” Sadie turned and left, closing the door behind her.
Connor let out a long breath and looked around at the mess on the table. He would have to deal with it later. For now he had to deal with the mess that was between him and his best friend.
He walked out of the dining room and up the stairs, then down the hall to Liss’s room. He thought about knocking then just opened the door.
Liss was sitting on the end of her bed, her forearms resting on her thighs. She looked up at him, a bleak expression on her face. “Did everyone leave?”
“Yeah,” he said, crossing the room and sitting down next to her on the bed. “What’s up?”
“I don’t know. Today was weird.”
He laughed, not really because it was funny, but because he was relieved that she was admitting it. Relieved that they weren’t going to ignore what had happened anymore. “It was so freaking weird.”
“Because last night was weird. And then Jack made that comment. And I realized that you aren’t over what happened. Of course you aren’t. Why would you be? But I wanted... I want to fix it. And I can’t.”
Connor rubbed his hands over his face then rested them on his thighs. “I want to apologize about last night, but you got mad at me for apologizing already.”
“I will accept an apology about last night as a whole.”
He let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m screwing this up. I’m screwing everything up. I don’t know if I’m more sorry that I crossed that line with you, or more sorry about the way I finished it. But I basically sucked.”
“No, that was me, remember?”
He laughed again. “Do you have to go making inappropriate jokes right now?”
“Is there a better time to make inappropriate jokes? I’m already mortally embarrassed. How much worse could it get?”
“I’m embarrassed. I can’t believe that I...” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs, matching Liss’s position. “Okay, I have to tell you something. And I’ve never told anyone this before, mainly because... Well, you’ve never asked and I wouldn’t tell Jack under penalty of death. Also, Eli is my brother and we don’t talk about this shit. But I’ve only been with one woman.”
He wasn’t embarrassed by the fact that his wife was the only woman he’d slept with. It just wasn’t something he’d ever had to share before. But he wanted to explain to Liss why all of this felt like a huge deal.
“Only... You’ve only ever slept with Jessie,” Liss said.
“Right. I liked her from the beginning. And I waited until she was ready. And I was never with anyone else. I never wanted to be.” He looked down at his hands. “Going out and hooking up has never been me. It’s not who I am. It’s not what I do. But dammit, I am so sick of being celibate. Obviously, I have a little bit of sexual frustration that I’m dealing with.”
Liss looked down and picked at the edge of her fingernail. “So I’m the result of your sexual frustration boiling over?”
“Hell, Liss, I don’t know. That’s part of why I freaked out when I k
issed you in the barn. Because I can’t tell you why this is happening. And if you like, that’s a terrible thing to say to your friend right after you kiss her. I feel like it’s a terrible thing to kiss your friend just because you’re sexually frustrated. And it’s an even worse thing to let your friend do what you did just because it’s been three years since a woman has touched you.” He rubbed his hands over his face. “And I just don’t know. I just know that things are different. And I know I’m not ready for them to be different. I know I’m not ready to want someone else. But I do.”
“Is it the worst thing to want me?” Her voice was small, timid, and he hated the note of insecurity that wound through it, because he was afraid he had put it there.
“In some ways, kind of. Because I don’t want anything but sex and friendship. Not touching and in completely separate corrals. And I’m not sure that’s possible.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve never done it before.”
“Neither have I. I’ve had two semiserious relationships, so it isn’t like my list of experience is a lot longer than yours. Though I have given a blow job before.”
“Did you have to bring that up?”
“I’m fascinated.”
“It feels wrong to talk about it.”
“Okay, regardless of where we go from here, we just have to deal with the fact that I have gone down on you. No take backs. And, as the first bestower of oral sex upon you, I sort of want to know why you’ve never had it before.”
He straightened, letting his head fall back. “Liss, you are killing me.”
“Am I making you blush?”
“Or something,” he said, battling with the extreme embarrassment that was swirling around with arousal, making his gut feel unsettled.
“There’s no room for you to be embarrassed about this topic. Once you’ve done it with someone, you have to be able to talk about it.”
He gritted his teeth and clasped his hands together. Especially now that she was gone, he didn’t like to say anything bad about Jessie. And while this wasn’t technically bad, it felt slightly like a complaint. And that felt wrong. But Liss was right. She had given him his first blow job and was therefore entitled to details of some kind.
