by Maisey Yates
He felt Liss’s shoulders shake, and he realized she was crying.
He cleared his throat and continued. “What’s the point of announcing something that’s never going to happen? I didn’t want... I didn’t want to add to anyone else’s pain. Because you all felt her loss like I did. I didn’t want you being sad about the baby, too.” He felt a drop of moisture on his chest. “See? I made you cry. I told you, sweetheart, you shouldn’t waste your tears on me.”
She took a deep, shaking breath. “Don’t you know, Connor? It’s not a waste. There’s no one more worthy of my tears than you.”
“Pointless tears. They don’t fix anything,” he said, his own eyes burning.
“But sometimes you have to cry, anyway,” she said, burying her face deeper into his chest.
“I never did,” he said, his throat so tight now he could barely breathe. “I just kind of screamed at the universe. At God. Whoever was responsible. I don’t even remember that whole day after. I was a husband. I was going to be a father. And then, all of a sudden I was nothing. Just a dumb-ass guy with nothing to look forward to, and no one to come home to.” The last word broke, something shifting in his chest. “I had all of these plans. And then it was all just blank. Wiped away in one second.”
The ache in his throat was almost unbearable now, the tightness in his chest so intense he couldn’t breathe. Something had to give. Something had to break. Or he was going to.
He tried to breathe but it caught, his shoulders shaking. “I lost my wife. I lost my baby.” And for the first time a tear rolled down his cheek as he said words he’d barely ever let himself think. “I can’t have them back. And I don’t want to move on, because then I might forget. But I have to.” Another tear rolled down his cheek, and he turned his face into Liss’s neck and wrapped his arms around her again.
“Not right now,” she said, her voice thick. “Right now all you have to do is lie here with me.”
Another sob shook his body, but he held more tightly to her. To Liss. And as the world around him fell away, and the dark pit threatened to swallow him whole, it was Liss who kept him anchored. Liss who kept them safe while he grieved.
There was no alcohol to numb the pain. It was pure, undiluted agony. It was everything he had been avoiding for the past three years.
He might have spent time in hell, but right now he was walking straight through the darkest part.
But he wasn’t alone.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
LISS DIDN’T KNOW how long they lay together on the floor of the barn. Until Connor stopped crying. Until she stopped crying.
She felt as if her chest had been opened up, her heart scrubbed raw, before she was stitched back together.
At some point, Connor sat up then stood, extending his hand and helping her up, before erasing the evidence of their activities. Liss dressed slowly, and Connor did the same.
Then he turned to her. “Why don’t we go to the house?”
“Okay,” she said.
They walked back in silence, and Liss felt a growing sense of dread as they moved nearer to the porch. Because she felt as if this was leading up to something big. After this, there were pretty much only two things that could happen. Either he would push her away, because he felt too exposed, or he would pull her closer.
Her experience of Connor was that he tended to push people away. Everyone.
His revelation was a prime example of that. He hadn’t shared. He had locked all of that pain inside himself, left screaming in his soul, a demon only he was fighting.
Until tonight. And it was you he shared it with.
She could only hope that he wasn’t regretting it.
She kinda felt like a jerk making any of this about her. It was about him. But everything was all tangled up. Another problem with being a lover, and not just a friend. If she were just a friend, she would feel the stability of their relationship now. It wouldn’t matter what he did after this. What he said. If he needed to be alone, she would understand.
But if that happened tonight, there was no way she wouldn’t take it personally.
They walked up the front porch steps, and she felt a strange sense of déjà vu. Of that first night they’d kissed. A feeling like they were on the edge of a change, terrified of what the outcome might be.
Connor didn’t seem to be suffering from the same sensation, since he just opened the door with no ceremony.
She followed him into the living room and stood there, not entirely sure what she should do.
“Are you tired?” he asked.
“Exhausted.” And that was true.
“Why don’t we go up to bed?”
His question hung in the air for a few moments, the significance of it slowly sinking in.
“We?”
“Yeah,” he said, holding out his hand.
She didn’t question him; she simply extended her hand and wrapped her fingers around his. He tugged slightly, and she followed his lead, up the stairs and down the hall toward his bedroom. “Connor...”
“I bought a different bed. Just...last year. I thought that might be relevant.”
She wasn’t sure if she would’ve thought of that. “Okay.”
“I haven’t ever had sex with anyone in this bed.”
“Okay.”
“You don’t seem that concerned.”
“I don’t... I guess I wasn’t.”
“Well, that’s good.”
“You thought about it, though. So it matters to you.”
He shrugged. “Just because it matters to me doesn’t mean it matters. I make a whole lot of things bigger than they should be.”
“Tell me.”
“I just thought it might help. So I got a new bed. Because to me... You know, we bought it when she moved in. So I just wanted you to know, this isn’t that bed. It’s just my bed. And I want you in it.”
“Thank you.”
“I just told you I want you in my bed, woman. And the best you have is thank you?”
“It’s better than apologizing. Which is kind of your thing,” she said, her lips curving into a smile.
Her chest still hurt from their conversation, her eyes still burning, but smiling with him still felt right. Still felt natural.
“Sorry if I rocked your world back there,” he said, his voice rough.
“You did. In a lot of ways.” She cleared her throat. “Thank you for my dress.”
He cupped the back of her head and pulled her close, kissing her deep. “Thank you for listening to me.”
“Thank you for talking to me.” She put her hand on his chest, her palm right over his heart. “You don’t ever have to worry about protecting me. We’re friends. Now and always. And that means we are here to help each other carry this stuff. You never have to carry double when I could share it with you.”
He put his hand over hers, pressing hard. “Thank you. That’s better than sorry, right?”
“Better,” she said, a smile curving her lips.
“Let’s go to bed, Liss.”
* * *
CONNOR KNEW THERE was nothing to be afraid of in sleep. It wasn’t as if the bogeyman could reach your dreams and get you. Still, when his front porch and a flash of light went through his mind, his heart rate sped up, panic invading his body.
But when he opened the door, it wasn’t Eli standing there.
It was Liss. Looking at him. Wanting something from him. Something he didn’t think he could dig deep enough to find...
He woke up breathing hard, a cold sweat covering his body.
There was a delicate hand resting on his chest, silky curls spread over his shoulder. Liss was there still. And he was holding her.
He wasn’t alone. And his mattress wasn’t cold.
He lifted his hand and brushed her cheek with his knuckles, relishing the feel of her softness beneath his touch. It was funny how he had expected to wake up alone. And funnier still just how much of a relief it was to wake up with someone.
And he hadn’t been confused, even for a second, about who it was.
Because Liss was...Liss. She smelled like wildflowers, courtesy of her perfume, and a little bit like sea salt thanks to the wind that tangled in her hair every time she walked outside.
Even in the dark, he would always know it was her.
He didn’t want to close his eyes again. He just wanted to stay awake and look at Liss, highlighted by the pale moon that was shining through the window. He wanted to stay awake and live in this moment of not being alone.
Of being beside someone who knew the darkest, saddest part of it all.
What a failure he was. That he hadn’t been the husband Jessie deserved. The giant crater of grief that was inside him, because he had lost not only the promise of a future with a new, better marriage, not only a wife, but a child.
That he had lost himself.
Because that was the bottom line of it all. The most important part of who he’d been was husband. But he had invested more in being a rancher. In being a cowboy.
Unfortunately, when you invested so much in a hunk of dirt and lost everything else, a hunk of dirt was all you had left.
That which a man sows is what he reaps. Or something.
Though he could see now that he had more than dirt. He had his barn, anyway. And it had been rebuilt. Which made a lot of other things seem possible.
The sky was turning a lighter shade of blue, and really, he could get up, take a shower and get ready to start his day. Go out and work on that hunk of dirt that had become his entire life.
But Liss was in here. And he was warm. And he wasn’t alone.
So instead he decided to stay in bed.
* * *
“JUST A FEW hours now,” Liss said, looking around at the barn, all decked out for the party tonight.
The sliding side doors were thrown open wide, white Christmas lights strung from the top of the frame, out to a tree outside, creating a twinkling canopy. Mason jars were strung from the tree branches, with flameless candles inside. Fire safety was important, for obvious reasons.
There were tables situated outside, and inside, everything set back up since the night she and Connor had spent on the floor.
Therefore, there was no ire from Sadie.
Though, while she wasn’t filled with ire, she was wandering around the barn straightening things that were already straight and chattering like a ferret. Eli was hanging back, obviously well educated in what to do when Sadie was in full Sadie mode. Jack was outside, getting the barbecues fired up, directing those who had volunteered to come and help with food.
Jack was surprisingly organized and efficient when he needed to be. And it always came as a shock to Liss, because he seemed to work hard to keep his competence under wraps. He had the look of a man who ambled through life, stumbling upon good luck, and sticking it in the pocket of his Wrangler jeans, hanging on to it till he needed to spend some.
He owned a fairly large piece of property and managed to have gotten into the high-cost game of breeding horses. She, and everyone else, assumed he must have financed all of that with earnings from his stint in the rodeo. Though she couldn’t imagine he made all that much money doing the occasional bull riding competition circuit.
And Jack never shared. He just kind of smiled and winked. And everyone let it go, and women fell at his feet, and he moved on. An enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in flannel.
But whatever his flaws he was a good friend, and he had proven it over and over, not just today, but when dealing with Connor over the past few years. She’d gone into caregiver mode. Jack had made it his mission to make Connor smile. And he’d done a damn good job. But then, Jack made everyone smile.
“Are you nervous?” Connor asked Eli, who was pacing the length of the barn.
“Nerves are for people who don’t have an early lead in the polls.” And yet it was clear that nerves were also for Eli, in spite of the lead.
“I heard that polls can be superinaccurate,” Kate said, perched on one of the long tables that would later hold pie and drinks. “Because data can be skewed.”
“Who have you been talking to?” Connor asked.
“Some of the old guys who come into the Farm and Garden,” Kate said, blinking slowly.
“You need some friends who aren’t paranoid old men,” Connor said.
“I have friends. The other girls who barrel race. I hang out with Sierra West during competition.” Kate crossed her arms. “See? Friends. Friends who are women. And my age.”
“Yeah, Katie. Your social life is hopping.”
“People who live in glass houses that are actually Jack Daniel’s bottles should not throw stones, Connor,” Kate said, her tone dry.
“For your information,” he said, “I’m sober. I have been.”
Kate’s eyes widened, and Eli turned to look at him. “You are?” she asked.
Liss’s throat tightened, and she fought the urge to excuse herself. Because she felt conspicuous, standing there during this moment, which was clearly a big one. Connor’s drinking wasn’t something that the family could ignore. It wasn’t something anyone could ignore. And yet as far she knew, none of them had ever talked about it.
“Yes. I haven’t gotten drunk in weeks.”
“I didn’t know you were trying to stop,” Eli said.
Connor looked at her. “Yeah, well, I stopped around the time Liss moved in. I figured she didn’t need to deal with me being hungover.”
“You never minded me dealing with you hungover,” Eli said.
“I minded,” Connor said.
“Well, I feel like I already won the election,” Eli said, smiling. “Now it doesn’t matter what happens.”
Connor frowned. “Really?”
Eli slapped him on the shoulder. “Hell, no. I’m happy for you, but I need to win this election.”
Connor laughed. “Good. That was way too much sincerity.”
“Seriously, though, that’s amazing.” Eli shook his head. “I’m proud of you.”
“It’s really nice that you’re able to be proud of me for no longer being an asshole. I’ll try to set the bar higher in the future.”
“Men,” Kate said, sliding off the table and crossing the barn, throwing her arms around Connor and hugging him tight. “I’m really proud of you.” She kissed him on the cheek and took a step back.
“What was that for?” Connor asked, his voice rough.
“Because you scare the hell out of me,” Kate said. “I don’t want you to leave me, or die, like everyone else.”
Liss swallowed hard, blinking rapidly to keep from weeping all over a moment she had no right to invade.
Jack chose that moment to walk into the barn. “Why are we all looking somber?” he asked.
“Connor is sober,” Eli said.
“Well, fuck. Going to the bar is going to be a lot less fun now,” Jack said. “Nice for your mental health and stuff, though.”
“Thanks, Jack,” Connor said. “That sentiment is more my speed. Anyway, tonight is about Eli. This family has been down a few times in the course of our history, but we’re not out. Eli, you’ve proven that big-time.”
“You’ve done more than you think,” Eli said.
“Both of you are the best. Now, I propose we have some beer... No, soda,” Jack said. “A toast for all the excellent shit that’s happening.”
“Good thing we have soda,” Sadie said, finally coming over to their end of the barn, crossing the space and giving Connor a side hug.
Li
ss wished that she could hug and kiss him. But she couldn’t, not here. She realized she was the only one who hadn’t said anything when Connor had made his announcement. Because, of course, she already knew. It would expose some of the intimacy that was growing between them. But then, they had always had a certain level of intimacy. And she did live with him. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now.
Was commenting acting casual? Or was not commenting more casual?
This sucked. She didn’t normally have to think through her interactions with these people quite this hard. She didn’t normally have to think about them at all. In fact, these friends, this family, this group, were the only people she didn’t overthink things with.
Because it wasn’t all checks and balances, and making sure she was worthy. And she hated that she was feeling all nervous and insecure now.
Because she and Connor were... What even were they right now? They had established the friends and lovers thing. With the intent that they would sleep separately, have sex, but not be in a relationship.
But something had changed last night. Something major.
She wasn’t sure what to do with it.
Especially not right now. So she just sort of stood there awkwardly, not certain of what to do with her hands.
“It was nice of you to get soda, Sadie,” Jack said, digging around in one of the ice chests that was shoved against the back wall of the barn, waiting to be transferred to a more decorative metal bucket closer to starting time. “For the kids. Like Katie.”
“Fuck you up, down and sideways, Monaghan,” Kate said, extending her hand and accepting a can of Coke from him, even while she insulted him.
“It’s so cute when you try to use grown-up words.”
“I could punch him for you if you want,” Connor said.
“I can’t,” Eli said, “because I can’t risk a violation of the law at this point. But I’m with you in spirit. I’m punching him in the face in my head.”
