by Cindy Wilder
I gave him a hug, turned around, and walked out the way I came in. Just as I made it to the car, I saw Alex running behind me. I quickly strapped Josh into his seat and went to close the door. Alex caught it before it shut and pulled it back open.
“You didn't introduce me to your little cutie,” he said.
I could see the hurt in his eyes. He needed to back up and shut the door.
“I didn't know you were going to be here. Your dad told me you weren't coming,” I said.
“Would that have changed your decision for coming?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said, as I tried to pull the door from his hand.
He wouldn't let it go. Did he know, I wondered?
“I just wanted to say hi to the little guy,” he said, as he leaned down.
Josh was looking the other way. I noticed Josh turn and look at us. Alex moved to shut the door.
“Daddy,” Josh said quietly.
Alex's eyes widened as big as saucers. It was like watching a cartoon. Everything began to run in slow motion for me.
“What did you say?” Alex asked Josh, as he pulled the door back open.
“Daddy,” Josh repeated.
Alex looked at me. I yanked the door from his hand and closed it.
“He's so silly,” I said with a laugh.
I had to get out of there or my whole world was going to explode, along with everyone around me.
“It was nice to see you,” I said. “I need to get going.”
“Talk to me,” he said.
It was breaking my heart standing there.
“I can't get you out of my mind, Sarah. It's been three years. You're all I think about. I love you.”
That made me laugh. I pulled my door open and got into the car. He held the door open with his hand.
“You're so full of shit,” I said. “It only took a minute for you to move right on. I came to your apartment one month later. You had your tongue shoved down some chic's throat. It didn't look like you missed me at all. I bet you've been thinking about me for three years. Move your hand before you get hurt.”
“I couldn't get you out of my mind. I tried everything I could think of. You left school and never came back. My dad said you moved away when I asked him how you were doing. He never said you had a baby. Don't act like you even gave me a second thought. It looks like you moved right along with your life,” he said, as his eyes moved to the back seat and then back to mine.
I couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
“It better not be that guy from my class,” he snapped.
“Get out of my way,” I yelled.
“Daddy,” Josh said again.
“What?” Alex said.
I snatched the door out of his hand. Just as it was closing, Alex yelled out.
“Oh shit. I know where I've seen his face. The picture at the cemetery.”
I pulled out of the parking lot as quickly as I could. He yelled my name over and over but didn't move as my car drove out of sight.
By the time I got home, Josh had fallen asleep. I never should have taken him there. My mother tossed us both aside. It had been a rough day.
I fed Josh dinner and gave him a bath. We played with his toys, and I read him a book before tucking him in. I plopped down on the couch with the television on.
I opened my eyes to the sound of banging on my door. Quickly, I jumped and ran to answer it before it woke Josh. Without looking out, I swung the door open.
“Would you quit,” I said before freezing at the site of Alex.
He shoved some paper at me.
“The cemetery,” was all he said.
I looked down at the two pictures I had left on his mother's grave the last three years.
“He's mine,” he said.
I didn't say a word. He grabbed me by the shoulders.
“Is he my son?” he demanded.
I burst into sobs. There was no way to stop them. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry into his chest.
“Why did he say daddy? How did he know?” he asked.
I pulled away from him. He reached up and wiped my tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. I tried to control my breathing so I could talk to him. He shut my door and led me to couch. I sat down, and he sat next to me. I put my face in my hands and tried to concentrate on my breathing. When I felt like I could function slightly, I looked up at him.
I stood up and walked over the a bookshelf. When I got back to the couch, I handed him some pictures. There was one from our parents wedding, and there were two more that I had taken of him with my phone while we were at his apartment.
“He knows who you are,” I said. “I wanted him to know what you looked like.”
“Why didn't you tell me? How could you keep him from me? Why did you do it all alone?” he asked.
“When I told my mom, she insisted I give him up or something worse. When I refused, she told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I went to tell you right after I told her. You were busy making out with someone on your couch. The more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn't tell anyone. It was bad enough I didn't have my mom anymore. I wasn't sure how your dad would react to the news of us having a child together. I was a student of yours and didn't want you to lose your job over it. Who knew if you could get another one. I called my grandparents. When classes ended, I moved in with them. They were there when the baby was born. They watch him while I'm at school. I switched to a school right by here. I have a job and pay for everything we need.”
“His name is Josh?” he asked.
“Joshua Alexander Reynolds,” I answered.
Alex closed his eyes. I could tell he was holding his emotions in.
“He's my son. You named him after your dad and me.”
“Yes,” I said. “He's your son. You're the only man I've slept with. You can get a DNA test if you want. I don't expect anything from you. Don't worry.”
“You haven't been with anyone else in three years?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Why?” he asked.
I looked down at my hands.
“Sarah,” he said.
“I loved you. I always will. Nobody else can make me feel the way you did. I concentrate on taking care of Josh. I didn't want to have men around him. I'm not interested in being with anyone.”
He stood and pulled me into his arms, as he held me tight. I relaxed after a few minutes but didn't reach out to touch him.
“The pictures at the cemetery?” he said.
“I left the same ones on my dad's grave. They needed to be able to see their grandson. I didn't think you would see them. If you did, I figured you would think they blew there from a different stone. You have an apartment over an hour away from there. I didn't think you would see them.”
“The flowers?” he asked. “I thought those were my dad.”
“I leave them every week. I take Josh to see them on the weekend. We sit and play there. I tell my dad and your mom about what he's learning. He laughs and jumps around. Their his only family beside my grandparents and me. That was my only connection to you.”
“My dad,” he started, but I cut him off.
“I guess my mom never told him I was pregnant. He thought if he invited me today, we could get over our differences. When I walked in with Josh, he was shocked. He said he had no idea. He doesn't know that he's yours.”
“I think he does now,” Alex said. “I freaked out after you left. He was the one that gave me your address. He didn't say anything, but I don't think it was to hard to figure out by the way I was acting.”
“I felt bad. He said he was a grandpa. He even said Josh looked like him, but he knew he couldn't take credit,” I said with a smile. “He had no idea how right he was.”
“I would have been there for you and Josh. I can't believe I have a baby. I missed his birth and the first two years of his life. I don't want to miss anymore. He should have had his father there.”
<
br /> “I'm sorry. I didn't want to put your job in jeopardy and wasn't sure what would happen. You can see him whenever you want. I'm fine with that. I trust you to be with him. I can bring him to your apartment, or you can come and see him here. I would rather wait a bit for you to keep him overnight. More for my sake than his,” I said with a laugh.
“You love him. You should feel that way. I still can't believe it.”
“He's my life. There was no way I would have given him up. He was our baby. I've loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant. He's the only one that matters.”
“I should have been there,” he said, as he wiped his eye.
“You can be there anytime you want. I promise never to keep him from you. I know how important my father was to me. I would never speak against you or do anything to hurt your relationship with him. He's a good boy,” I said. “I do ask that you talk to me before you ever introduce him to your girlfriend.”
“I wasn't just talking about him. You told your mom, and she was a bitch. You came to tell me, and I was an ass. I can't imagine how it felt finding out and that happening. You were alone when you had him. You've taken care of him by yourself. I would have been there for all of it. I would have helped you financially.”
“I don't need your money. I'm doing just fine. My grandparents have been with me the whole time. Don't feel bad for something you knew nothing about. If my mom finds out he's yours, it's not going to be pretty. I should have stayed away. Your dad shouldn't have to listen to her because of me. They should be able to be happy.”
“My dad's so upset that she turned her back on you when you came to her. He's hurt that she never told him about it. All she said was that the two of you argued. As much as he pisses me off sometimes, he would never turn his back. He would have stood by your side.”
“Would he have felt the same way if he knew the baby was yours?” I asked.
“Yes,” Alex answered.
We sat down on the couch. I jumped up and walked over to the bookshelf and came back with two photo books. They were expensive and had taken me hours to make. I was happy to finally pull them out and give them to the man they belonged too. When I sat back on the couch, I handed them to Alex.
“What are these?” he asked.
“I knew I would tell you about Josh one day. I wasn't sure where you would be in life or if you would want to know him. I wanted you to have something from him. Each of these are a year of his life. I took pictures and had them made into a book for you. This one is his first year. I only put in pictures of him. I made books for me as well. They have pictures of both of us.”
Alex went through the pages slowly. I got us drinks from the kitchen while he took his time with the books. The first picture was of his ultrasound. It was from the day I found out he was going to be a boy. There were pictures of him at the hospital, of him crawling, of him learning to walk, and other things too. He went through the second book as well. When he was done, I could see the emotion in his eyes. He was fighting to keep them hidden.
“Can I see your books?” he asked.
I shook my head no.
“These are yours to take back to your apartment with you. If you don't want them,” I began.
“I want them. They are amazing. I want to see yours,” he said.
I got up and brought mine over to him. He began to go through the first one. The first page was the same ultrasound. The second page was of me. There was one picture for each month. He took a deep breath in and then out again. The third page was pictures of me in the hospital alone and with Josh in my arms. He put his finger on one picture. It was the first one of me holding Josh. I was crying as I held him close to me. Alex stopped and turned to me. He put the book down, put his hands on both sides of my face, and pulled me to him.
His lips touched mine, and I felt a jolt shoot through my body. It felt just as I remembered. He kissed me softly before tracing my lips with his tongue and pushing them apart. I held back for a moment. His tongue entered my mouth and explored. I felt his kiss getting more intense. It was amazing. I felt the heat from his body on my fingers as I grabbed onto his arms. My tongue tangled with his for control. It was like we were fighting each other. Slowly, our tongues began to dance in rhythm together. A rush of emotion ran through me, and I pulled back from him. I could feel tears building in my eyes. When I moved away from him and cut our connection completely, his face dropped down.
“What is it?” he asked.
“I can't do this, Alex,” I said. “You need to go.”
I stood up and walked over to the door. Before I could open it, he stepped closer to me. I could feel the chill of the wood against my t-shirt as I backed up.
“I'll give you my number. You can text me about seeing Josh. Please don't use it for anything else. Whatever you decide to tell your dad is your business. It doesn't matter to me. I won't be going anywhere near him or my mother again.”
“I don't care about my dad or your mom,” he said.
He leaned forward and I moved my head to the side.
“I can't,” I said.
“Why not?” he snapped.
“You have no idea,” I began.
If I put my heart out there and told him everything, I knew it would scare him off and he would leave. That was what I needed to happen. I decided to be completely honest. He would know the truth, and it would accomplish my goal. He would run as fast as possible away from me.
“That first time at the party scared the shit out of me. When I left, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I knew it was because you were my first, and I planned to change that. When I got to college, I planned to fuck you out of my mind. I couldn't find anyone I was willing to be with. When I saw you, I thought I was going to lose it. When you were there for me at the cafe and your apartment, those feelings grew. We spent Thanksgiving together, and I fell so damn hard for you. It had been the first holiday I enjoyed in a long time. It was the best holiday of my entire life. That day will be with me forever. Each time you touched me, I knew nobody would ever make me or my body feel that way again. You were it. I was so in love with you.”
He was still looking directly into my eyes. I felt my hands shake at my sides. There was no way I could touch him.
“When I found out you were Jack's son, my world changed. Everything felt like it was crashing down around me, Alex. The man I loved was becoming my stepbrother. You were off limits. I knew you didn't want me. I was just a convenient fuck when we ran into each other. That didn't mean that I hadn't dreamt a million times that one day you would change your mind and want me as much as I wanted you. Finding out that it would never happen was life changing. We had our final time and moved on. I had to get out of that house. I knew I couldn't go back. I needed to get over my feelings for you.”
I closed my eyes to break the connection between us. There was no way I could look into his eyes.
“When I found out I was pregnant, I was happy. Your baby was growing inside of me. We had only done it once without protection. I had been worried about that night. When I was pregnant, I knew that I would always have a part of you with me. We couldn't be together, but we had created a life. When my mom wanted me to do something horrible, I knew she was going to cut me out of her life. She never even knew whose baby it was and she didn't care. Just having a baby took away her perfect mother card. When I saw you with that women, I was hurt even though I knew that I meant nothing to you already. It didn't help to see it with my own eyes.”
He touched my cheek with his hand, but I pulled away.
“It's been three years since I've seen you. I'm always busy between work, school, and Josh. I have never met anyone I would want in his life. I've never met anyone worth risking my heart. The truth is, my heart already belonged to someone. I've never gotten over it. In three years, I never lost the feelings I have for you. I didn't see you at the party, I felt you. Things happen to my body when you're in the same building. After three years, it's still there. Every feeli
ng I've tried so hard to get rid of came flying to the surface the moment I felt you there. I can't be with you. It's not possible. I know that. I also can't be your convenient fuck. The one you screw every now and then. It's not that way for me. I love you more now than I ever have. I see you in Josh every single day. He looks like you. I know you've never spent time with him. I know he's a baby. Things he does are you. I can't explain it. He acts like you. Sometimes I cry so hard once he's asleep for the night. I miss you so much. You will always be the man I love. Do you understand. I will love you until I take my last breath. The one thing I ask is that you don't fuck with my head. It's not just for me. It's for Josh too. I have to be able to focus on him. He is my priority. I can't be for you what I was before. You can see your son and be a huge part in his life. I want you in his life, but I can't be that kind of person for you that I was before. You need to find someone else for that, Alex.”
I tried to duck under his arm to move away from him before the tears poured from my eyes. He didn't need to see what kind of hold he had on me. He moved his arm before I could get away. His body moved even closer to mine. He put one hand on each side of my head against the door.
“When I told you I loved you in that parking lot, I meant it. That was before I new Josh was mine. I love you, Sarah. I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you. When You left the next morning, I felt used and cheated. I thought you were different, and I thought you felt the connection we had. When I saw you in my class, I was happy. When I saw you at that cafe, I wanted to take the pain for you. When you spent Thanksgiving with me, you took some of my pain away. It was the best holiday of my life as well. I felt like we belonged together. I felt like it was the beginning of a forever for us. I knew you were it for me, but I didn't want to scare you. You had to finish school and have fun in college. I didn't want to freak you out by telling you. When I saw you at my dad's, I was crushed. You passed out and I couldn't take you in my arms. I knew I loved you even more that day. It was the scariest moment of my life.”
