by Cindy Wilder
My head fell back against the chair and I closed my eyes wondering what they would think of the life I was making for myself. I was eighteen when my world exploded around me and I left the comfort and care of my mother and her husband's home. She said I'd never make it, that I would come crawling back to her. I know she wanted me to fail. There was no way I'd ever ask her for anything again. I didn't care what I had to deal with. That was when it had all blown up, but it began long before then.
I was thirteen when my mother announced she was getting married. It had only been the two of us for so long. My father left when I was five. We still saw each other for holidays and weekends here and there, but our relationship wasn't nearly as good as the one I had with my mom. She married a man named Bill in a tiny ceremony with close family around them. He had a son who was only sixteen. The guy had messy brown hair that looked like it was never cut or combed. He wore t-shirts and ripped up jeans all the time. His dad called him JB even though his name was Jared. I never did figure out why he did that when he could have just used his name. Jared was a pain-in-the-ass to me. I was lucky enough to only have to see him here and there. He was a total nerd who sat in his room with his computers the entire time he was around. That was totally fine by me. I was a girly girl, and he always made fun of me. He said I was a spoiled brat, but I wasn't. He insisted on calling me Tabby, but my name was Tabitha. I called him Jay. It irritated the shit out of him, and I loved it. If I worked things right, I would be at my dad's when he was at my house. I tried to make that happen as often as possible.
My relationship with my mother changed drastically when she married Bill. She couldn't be bothered with spending time alone with me. It was all about what he wanted. We had to do everything to make Bill happy. It was sickening actually. She had her own mind before he came along. I'm not sure what happened, but I promised myself I would never let a man have control over me. I had five more years before I could get out of there and head off to college.
When Jay was at his moms, I'd mess with his computers and other stuff in his room. He'd come back and get all bent out of shape and whine like a little punk to his daddy. My mom would get a talking to, and then I'd have to hear about it from her. I'd mess with him twice as much the next time.
He never treated me like a real person, and I would have never considered him my stepbrother. We didn't see each other enough for that.
When he turned eighteen and moved on to college, he never looked back. He took all of his nerd stuff with him. It was nice to have all of his computers gone. I used to tease him about how many computers it took just to look at dirty pictures. I was fifteen by then and knew guys looked at that stuff on the internet. Just before he left, he came into my room and closed the door. When he handed me a laptop, I was surprised. My mom wouldn't let me have a computer. She said I should be out with my friends, not stuck in my bedroom talking to fake people. I don't know what she was afraid of. My eyes lit up when he handed it to me, and he smiled.
“I thought you might want this. I can't take it with me. You can leave it under your bed. Hook up to the internet and talk to your friends. I know you won't have anything to do since you can't screw with me and my stuff,” he said.
It was a different side of him I was seeing.
“Really?” I asked.
He looked down at me and smiled.
“Why would you do this for me?” I asked.
“You're not so bad,” he said with a small smile. “I know it's no picnic living here with him.”
That was out of character for him. Why was he doing something nice for me, I wondered? He almost looked sad. Would he miss me? Our eyes connected and something passed between us. He wasn't such a jerk after all. I started to think I was actually going to miss him. When he turned to leave the room, I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. He looked down into my eyes. I really was going to miss him. When I reached up and grabbed his face, he didn't stop me. I pulled him down and covered his lips with mine. His hand went to the back of my hair just as his tongue moved between my lips. It wasn't a long kiss, but when he pulled back, I was lost for words.
“See you later, Tabby,” he said.
“Bye, Jay,” I whispered.
Just like that, he was gone. My hand moved to cover the spot his lips had just left. They were warm and soft. He didn't know that I hadn't done that before. Jay was the first boy I ever kissed.
I couldn't get him out of my mind after he left. He was all I could think about. Why had he finally decided to be nice to me?
My mom never found out about the laptop. I kept it under my bed like he suggested. She was too lazy to look around my room, and for that I was grateful. It would have sucked if she had taken it. That computer kept me sane and busy. I had a social media page and changed whenever a new one came out. I never could find Jay on any of them. No matter how much I looked, I couldn't find him. After looking so many times, I finally gave up and quit looking. It didn't matter. He never contacted me. I knew he just did it to be nice. He knew his dad was an ass. That's all it was.
After three years, I still hadn't been able to stop thinking about him. His messy hair and ripped up jeans were always on my mind. He was a jerk to me for two years, but that last moment was all I could think about. The feel of his lips on mine. I had kissed other guys, but it was never the same.
Jay hadn't been back when I was home. He had been there twice, but both times I was at my dad's house. I tried to get out of going, but my mom wouldn't have it.
I was eighteen and a senior in high school. It was my last year stuck in that house before going to college. The holidays were coming, and I knew Jay was going to be with his dad for Christmas. I heard my mom on the phone saying he was staying for two weeks. She was sending me to my dad's house the entire vacation. I was old enough to make my own decisions. That's what I was going to do.
I spent Christmas day with my dad. As soon as dinner was over, I packed my stuff up and left. Jay would have already gotten to my mom's house. They would have been in the middle of dinner. All of Bill's family would be there. I knew she wouldn't be able to say a word.
When I pulled into the driveway, there was a beautiful, black Corvette parked closest to the house. It was my dream car. It always had been. Since I was a little girl, I said I was going to own a Corvette one day. I don't know what it was about them, but I loved them. Bill's family was lucky to have a car like that, I thought.
I grabbed my bag out of my old, beat-up car and headed for the front door. My hands were shaking, and I could feel sweat forming on my forehead. She was going to be pissed, but I had to see him. I turned the knob and walked in. It felt like air blew across my neck. I reached up to brush my hand across it. There was chatter coming from the dining room. I put my bag down at the edge of the steps and stood in the doorway. A man's voice rang out.
“How do you feel about your accomplishments, JB? I can't believe you've already done so well for yourself. You're not even done with college yet. I'm really happy for you.”
“Thank you,” Jay answered.
His voice was so much deeper than I remembered, and I felt my shoulders shiver. He'd laugh if he knew I had thought about him all those years from one stupid, little kiss. I kissed him. It was only a thank you for the laptop. He'd probably make fun of me for it. I was lost in thought when I felt something touch my arm.
“What are you doing home?” she asked, with a jerk of my arm.
“I didn't want to stay there,” I said. “I wanted to come home. We weren't doing anything anyway. I wanted to be here for dinner.”
Before she could answer, I heard Bill from the doorway.
“I thought you were spending your vacation with your father, Tabitha,” he said sternly.
“I changed my mind,” I said, as I quickly walked passed them both.
I walked through the dining room doorway, and Jay stood up. His eyes widened. I watched him look me up and down. Yep, I thought. I knew I looked different. Gone was the little girl. I
was wearing a dress and makeup. My mom couldn't stop that. I was too old for her to prohibit me from wearing it. He was taller than I remembered. Not much else had changed. His hair went passed his collar and was just as messy. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, but there were no holes in them. That was different. He looked more put together. His arms had a little muscle to them. Maybe he was working out, I thought. They weren't huge or anything, but they were bigger than before.
“Hey, Tabby,” he said.
His voice was deeper. There was a gravelly sound to it.
“Hey, Jay,” I said, as I walked over and wrapped my arms around him.
He didn't move to hug me back for a minute. Finally, he put his arms around me but barely touched me. He backed away and pulled a chair out for me to sit. My mom and Bill took their seats, but I could feel her staring a hole through me. I put a smile on my face and reached for a plate. She wasn't going to let it go, but I at least had dinner before she would explode.
Conversation flowed nicely the rest of the meal. Jay avoided answering any questions about his accomplishments. I had no idea what they were talking about. Bill wasn't around much, and he never talked about Jay that I could hear. I avoided being in his presence every chance I got. He gave me the creeps. I didn't know what my mom saw in him, and I didn't care.
As soon as dinner was over, I excused myself to my room. I was hoping I could fall asleep before I had to deal with her wrath about my coming home. What did she care, I wondered? It wasn't like I was going to get in her way or anything. I spent all of my time in my room alone. At least she thought I was alone. I was really on the internet the whole time. She just didn't know it. I quickly changed into a pair of shorts and t-shirt and fell onto my bed. My mind went back to Jay. He looked a little older. It felt so good to see him.
It felt like two minutes passed when my door opened. Bill's family was still downstairs. My mom looked down at me with the dirtiest look.
“You're supposed to be at your dad's house,” she snapped.
“I'm eighteen, mom,” I said. “He has to work the entire time. I don't want to be there. I'd rather be here swimming and seeing my friends. I don't want to sit around his house alone all day. What's the big deal? You're not going to be bothered with me. Why does it matter if I'm home?”
“You're supposed to be there,” she snapped again. “I want you to go back there tomorrow.”
“No,” I said.
“Yes,” she said. “You are going back.”
“I'm not,” I said. “This is my vacation from school. I want to be home. I'm eighteen and don't need you telling me I can't be in my own house. You'll be rid of me soon enough.”
“It's not that I want rid of you,” she barked out.
“Then what is it?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said in a sad tone. “You need to go back.”
She walked out of my room and slammed the door behind her. I rolled my eyes and reached under my bed for my laptop.
“Tabitha,” a voice called out.
I jumped as I turned my chair to face my office door. My boss was standing on the other side of my desk.
“Hello, Mr. Daniels,” I said with a smile.
Shit, I thought!
“Are you liking your office?” he asked.
“It's very nice,” I answered. “I love the view of the city.”
“I'm going to introduce you to the team you will be working with. We are very happy to have you with our company. Are you all moved in and ready?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I found a nice apartment only two blocks away. My furniture will be here this coming weekend. Thank you very much for giving me a chance with your company.”
“You came highly recommended,” he said.
What was he talking about, I thought? He had just given me my first job out of college. How could I have been recommended by anyone? He had me mistaken for someone else. Maybe the school recommended me. There was no way I was going to ruin it for myself. So what if it was a mistake? I would just have to work very hard to prove he had made the right decision when he gave me a job. I was in California. There was no way I was messing it up. I'd do whatever it took.
We walked around while he introduced me to the team of developers I'd be working with. They were all men. I had to laugh. They all had the same way about them as the guys at school and Jay. It was like they had to have messy hair and disheveled clothing. I knew they were able to dress casual, and I was excited about that. We only had to dress business-like when there were meetings. My boss even allowed his people to work from home at times. I was only two blocks away, but that still sounded like a great perk. Working in my pajamas sounded pretty good.
The first week went very well. I was thrown straight into a complex project. My nights were spent reading books and doing research. There was no way I wanted to look like I didn't have a clue. Not when Mr. Daniels thought I had mad skills.
My furniture was delivered and everything was in place. I looked around my apartment with a smile on my face. It was my home. I finally had a place that belonged to me. It was mine, and I could walk around naked if I wanted. Nobody would be there to tell me no. That was one proud moment. I really had made something of my life. I might not have been looked at like Jay was at that age, but I was me. That was something nobody could take from me.
I microwaved a frozen dinner and ate while I read. It was the weekend. I tried to concentrate, but the letters and numbers were running together. It was Saturday night, and I was on my couch in pajamas with a frozen meal and computer book in my lap. What a nerd, I thought. One drink, I needed one drink. I needed to give myself a few hours to unwind and pull my shit together.
I jumped up from the couch and headed for my room. Within the hour, I was dressed to kill and so ready for that drink. My hair was up and makeup was on. I had on a very nice black dress and heels. There was a club one block away. It was in the opposite direction of work. I would go in for a drink and then be right back home to study.
When the door opened, the loud music flooded my ears. The place was packed. It was definitely someplace I was going to visit again. Once I had my mind in the right place with work and made some friends, I was going to come back. It was an added bonus that it was in walking distance from my apartment.
I made my way to the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender was quick and had a huge smile on his beautiful face. He was built and so damn gorgeous. A night with him wouldn't be so bad, I thought. He introduced himself as TJ. When I said my name was Tabitha, he laughed.
“Tabby,” he said with a smile. “Like a tabby cat.”
Only one person called me Tabby. That was Jay. I didn't allow anyone else to ever call me that. It was a nickname I hated. I didn't like when Jay said it either at first. The more he said it, the more it grew on me.
“No,” I said. “Just Tabitha.”
He smiled and nodded.
“Tabitha it is,” he said.
We talked for a few minutes before I noticed a change in him. He straightened and his body went stiff.
“It was nice meeting you,” he said. “I better get back to work.”
The hair on the back of neck stood, and a shiver ran across my skin. I reached my hand up to brush it away. TJ's eyes were locked on someone. I turned to see the back of a man walking toward a table. He was a taller man in a suit. I couldn't see much of what he looked like. There were women surrounding him. He sat down with his back to us, and the women crowded around. It was like a scene from a movie.
TJ walked up to see if I needed another drink. I had just taken my last sip of the one I had.
“Who is that?” I asked.
He didn't even get a word out when I saw Mr. Daniels walk up and sit with the man surrounded by women. Oh crap, I thought. There was no way I wanted him to see me at the club alone my first week there. He'd think I was some kind of party girl. I needed to be home studying for Monday. I didn't want him to think I wasn't serious.
I mo
ved quickly to stand and pushed my glass forward.
“I'll see you around, TJ,” I said with a smile before taking off for the front of the club.
I took off out the door and moved through the crowd outside. It was chilly out, and a shiver ran through my body. I hadn't had that feeling in years. As soon as I got into my apartment, I ripped off my clothes and got back into my pajamas. No matter how many times I tried to get Jay out of my thoughts, he'd always get back in. He never gave a shit about me and had no idea that he consumed my days and nights.
I'd been with men in college. My friends would drag me off to parties. I'd drink and dance, but I couldn't get rid of him. He was always there. The times I felt like I couldn't take it anymore were the ones that would get me the most. That's when I'd get with a man, hoping I could at least drown out my thoughts.
It was stupid, I thought as I fell into my bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. We shared one damn kiss when I was fifteen. I didn't talk to him again until I was eighteen. He was only home for two weeks. How could those two weeks take over my entire life?
I tried my best to fall asleep, but I couldn't do it. All I could think about was Jay. I closed my eyes and let my mind go back.
My mom and Bill had finally gone to bed that day. It was Christmas, and she hadn't even given me a gift. She didn't want me there. Things had changed so much in those five years. Our relationship had been so strong before she married him. I couldn't help but get sad at the thought of her not even wanting me around anymore. Tears came to my eyes, and I tried to rub them away. How could she not care anymore? I heard a tiny knock on my door and jumped to throw the laptop under my bed. He let out a laugh as he opened the door. My ass was up in the air, and I was leaning over toward the floor.
“You still hiding that under your bed?” he asked in a deep voice.
“It's not funny,” I said. “I'm eighteen years old. I should be able to have a damn laptop. She still hasn't figured it out. This thing has gotten me through a lot. Thank you so much for giving it to me. I don't know what I would have done without it.”
