I hadn't even talked to him other than text messages for two whole days. Maybe it was a sign that it wasn't going to work out? If we couldn't even get phone time in, how would we make a relationship work? The most unnerving thing about it all was that I had to admit all my worrying about what not being able to talk to him meant and how a relationship would work—it all came from the fact that I seriously missed him. I missed him making me laugh, telling me stories about his family and Stewie, teasing me, flirting, just the sound of his voice made me feel warm and I don't know, different. I really missed him. And that was a little scary for me to admit to myself.
"You don't look so good, Morgan." Stewie's voice took me by surprise. In fact, I jumped. He put his hand on my shoulder and his arm out. I don't know why, but his warmth and kindness and how he just made me feel like he really cared about me made me wrap my arms around him and cry. "Hey. What's this all about?"
It didn't take me long to pull myself together. I took a few deep breaths and stopped crying, but I still felt hollow and lonely.
"Morgan? What's going on?"
I shook my head and pulled back away from him. Needlessly, I straightened the table arrangements. "I just—I wasn't prepared for this."
"For what?" He asked gently as he rubbed my back lightly.
"I wasn't prepared to miss him like this."
His shoulders fell, and he nodded. "He's feeling it too, Morgan. He snapped at me yesterday—which he never does—over something stupid. I called him on it, and he was just so mad that he couldn't pick up and come with me. I think he—" He ran his hand through his hair and looked really uncomfortable. "I can't say anything more. I promised him."
I nodded and bit my lip to control the ridiculous tears I still felt trying to fight their way to the surface. Swallowing it back, I smiled as best I could. "Annalisa is dying to see you. We can talk later." He gave me a sympathetic smile, patted my shoulder and went running toward the kitchen.
I stared at the dining room for a few more minutes, but couldn't be there anymore. I went to my office, but Mom's portrait made me want to cry again, so I grabbed my coat, pulled on my boots, and told Annalisa I was going for a walk.
It was freezing outside. The snow was falling and everything looked so peaceful and calm that I let it wash over me. I hadn't walked far when my phone rang. I expected it to be an old family friend Mae, who had the farthest to travel to be with us—I always made her call to let me know when she'd left just in case something happened on the way.
"Hey, beautiful."
"Sean," I breathed and my lip started quivering again. I couldn't keep the tears from my voice.
"Sweetheart?" He sounded so sweet and sympathetic. "Morgan, I miss you too. Stewie said you were really upset." Of course, Stewie was Sean's eyes and ears. "I wish I could get on a plane and be with you. I've been so damn busy lately, but I'm almost done. I promise I'll take a long break, and we won't have to play phone tag anymore."
I pulled in a long breath. "I know. The holidays are just a crappy time—it's difficult to be alone."
"I know. I feel it too. I haven't really in the past, but not hearing your voice—I know exactly how you're feeling."
I wanted so much to hug him, just to hear his voice in person, but I couldn't think about that, or I'd get all weak and teary again. "Stewie said you snapped at him yesterday."
"Yeah, that's a long story for another time. I have to do something I really don't wanna do. I was being a baby about it."
"Why do you have to do it?"
"It's business. I agreed to it when I was in a completely different mindset. I—I want to tell you about it, but I don't know how. I don't want you to misunderstand. But I want to be honest with you." He was quiet for a moment. "I need you to just hear me out before you get upset with me. I don't want you to hear it from someone else and not know the truth."
"This doesn't sound good." My stomach did little flips. He sounded really nervous to tell me about whatever it was. No, not nervous, scared. I could feel his fear settle around me.
"I don't think it's good for you and me, but I swear, Morgan, I don't have a choice. I agreed to it long before our first text message."
"Okay. I'm listening."
"Well, I told you there's a big dinner tonight, kind of a Thanksgiving for everyone away from home and a celebration that we've finished what we're doing here. I—shit, I really don't want to tell you this." He was quiet again, and my nervousness hitched up a few more notches. "I'm taking Michelle."
He's taking Michelle. He's taking Michelle? "You mean you're giving her a ride?"
"No, sweetie, she's—son of a bitch—she's my date."
I felt like he just slapped me in the face. I had to blink a few times just to bring my mind back into focus. His date? His date? I felt sick. I could feel tears of anger and shock welling up in my eyes. He was going to be with this girl he'd slept with, going to be her date and take her out on Thanksgiving while I sat around crying because I missed him. "I—I need to—to call you back."
"Morgan, no, wait you said—"
It was just too much to deal with. I needed time. I needed—I didn't know what I needed, but hearing his voice wasn't it. "I can't—I can't—talk about this. I—I have to call you back."
"Morgan—"
I hung up on him and shook horribly as I willed myself not to cry. What on earth was going on? What did I get myself into? Who was this guy? And why the hell was I so freaking hurt?
I stared up at the sky. "What the hell is this?" I couldn't even focus anymore. I wanted my mom. I wanted Sean, but I couldn't understand why he was taking some other woman he'd slept with to a Thanksgiving party. And why was he telling me? And what was I supposed to do with the information?
It took me twenty minutes to calm down and start functioning again. I got back to the inn and sat on the front porch swing just focusing on the snow falling. When Petey arrived, the adoratwins tackled me in a hug. They chattered away about Barbies and school. I hadn't seen them in a few weeks, but I'd babysat them until they were four, so we were close.
Fran tilted her head at me and whispered something in Petey's ear before turning back to the girls. "Girls, take the bags from your dad, and help me get them inside. Your dad needs to talk to Morgan." They whined, but they were awesome girls and did as their mom asked.
Petey sat on the swing next to me. "What's up?"
I shook my head.
"Don't make me pull out the sock puppets."
I couldn't smile, but I felt my face relax just a bit. Petey was my quirky, nerdy friend from high school who'd always been more like an older brother since he was two years above me. We'd met when put at a table together in an art class. He had no traditional artistic talent with his hands, but his mind was full of creative ideas. When I was having a bad day, he'd take off his socks and put them on his hands to make me laugh.
I thought about Mom and how she'd have the right thing to say about Sean. "I just wish she was here, you know?"
He put his arm around my shoulders. "It's always tough this time of year. But she is here, Morgan. She's everywhere here—in the decorations, in you, in this house. Her spirit is everywhere." I nodded, and he squeezed my shoulders. "I'm betting this is about more than just missing her. You wanna talk about it?"
I shook my head, and he patted my arm. "Okay, well you know where to find me and my sock puppets." I hugged him, and he went inside.
Stewie walked out as Petey walked in. They shook hands, and Stewie took Petey's spot next to me.
"I've looked everywhere for you. Have you been out here the whole time?" I nodded, and he patted my hand. "Are you gonna call him back?"
I didn't respond. I should have known Sean would call Stewie in as reinforcement. I tried to be angry about it, but I felt more like I was just dead or numb. I still wasn't done processing what Sean had said. I wasn't sure I was even capable of taking it all in.
"I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, Morgan, but there are extenuating
circumstances you should know about."
I rolled my eyes. I was tired of all this hidden information I didn't know about. Why tell me little pieces that stabbed me in the chest if you couldn't explain the details surrounding it that would make me understand?
"She works with him," Stewie explained. "They're sort of—I guess you could say, they're equals. It's a publicity stunt, Morgan. He set this up before he even met you. He tried to get out of it. I tried to get him out of it. But he's locked in to this deal. I can't—there isn't anything else I can tell you."
I didn't comment, just stared blankly at the snow. I didn't know what to think or what to say. I just knew I didn't like what I was feeling. "Can you get Cerise?"
"Sure thing." He patted my hand again and got up.
A few minutes later, Cerise sat down and wrapped her arms around me. I pulled my feet up on the swing beside me and leaned into her side. She brought another blanket with her and draped it over us.
"It'll work out, Morgan. I know it will. I don't know how yet, but I just know it'll be fine. He's called me twice, you know? I told him to leave you alone. He was really upset when I said that. He really cares a lot about you."
"Did he tell you everything?"
"Yeah, he did." She sounded so disappointed. "I—that's when I told him to leave you alone. I didn't say it quite so politely, though."
"I guess I should call him back."
"Only if you want this to work. Judging by the mess you are right now, I'd say you want this to work."
The whole situation sucked. If I'd had any idea how messed up it would all get, I never would have answered his text. Then I never would have been hurt to know that he was going on a date with Michelle. I never would have even talked to him or laughed with him or come to love his smooth voice or the way he said "sweetie" and meant it in a way I couldn't explain. I never would have known him or been reminded that I could feel crazy inside about a guy. If placed on a scale—Sean on one side and no pain on the other—I had to ask myself which would weigh more in terms of importance? The answer was obvious. Sean.
"I want it to work," I said softly.
"I know. Want me to stay with you while you call him?"
I nodded, and she pulled the blanket tighter around us as I turned my phone back on.
He picked up on the first ring. "I'm so sorry Morgan. I just wanted to be honest with you. I don't have a choice. I swear I don't have a choice. But this is the last time I'll set up a deal like this. I promise no more publicity crap like this."
"Okay." It was quiet, but I'd managed to keep my voice clear.
"Are you okay?" He sounded almost as bad as I felt, which was a little comforting.
"No. I—I can't pretend to understand. I just—I just don't."
"I'll explain it all to you in a week. I promise, Morgan." His promises were wearing thin. So was the whole waiting thing.
I was tired—really emotionally drained. But I'd already established that I wanted this to work with him. "Okay."
"I wish I could say something to make you feel better."
I don't know why I wanted to let him off the hook. Maybe it was because he sounded so upset. Maybe it was that he wanted to fix this so badly he'd called both Stewie and Cerise for help. Maybe it was that he wanted to be honest with me to begin with, but I didn't want to hang up on bad note. "Tell me she's ugly and bitchy."
"To me she is, on both counts. She has this snotty look she gets across her face that makes her look like a pig who swallowed a piece of shit. She puts her hands on her hips and bitches out anyone who does the smallest thing wrong. And I swear last week she smelled like she'd crapped her pants. It was hilarious." I smiled a little. He really didn't sound like he liked her.
"It's you I want to be with, love. I want to see your beautiful face when you wake up naked in my arms. I want to see you smile and laugh, and I want to know what you look like when you think I've done something stupid. You're all I think about. I think you've actually turned me into a stalker. I must have grabbed Stewie's phone about a hundred times to look at those pictures of you. He finally had to put them on my phone because he was missing calls. In one week, I'm pulling you into my arms, and I'm not letting go. Eating will be harder and driving might be tricky, but I'm pretty sure we can figure it out."
"I'm pretty small," I said slowly. "I think I can fit on your lap as you drive."
The relieved sigh he let out was massive. "Morgan, I'm in—"
I could hear someone yelling in the background before it became really muffled and scratchy like he'd put his hand over the receiver. I could still make out his angry response.
"I'll be there when I fucking get there, alright!" He was clearly not having a good time. "Baby, I have to go. Can I call you late tonight?"
"Yes."
"Okay, go eat all that delicious food I've been hearing Stewie go on and on about."
"Bye."
"Bye, sweetie."
Digging
I felt very tired and weak the rest of the day, but it seemed to work out well. Cerise, Annalisa, and Stewie were great hosts to everyone. It helped that our friends and family were more than comfortable at the inn. Stewie pulled out his super charm and really made the guests staying in the inn feel at home. It was nice to sit back and just enjoy being with everyone. After dinner, I played Barbies with the adoratwins and chatted with Fran about her new job at the girls' school. She seemed really happy to be around children all day long.
It warmed my heart to see Annalisa smile so much. She was always a cheerful person, but her happiness was so much more heartfelt with Stewie around, kissing her cheek or putting his hand on the small of her back. At one point, Cerise came to sit next to me. I wrapped my arm around hers like I'd done a million times—she was always the strongest among us. We just sat there, smiling as we watched Annalisa and Stewie play Scrabble with Petey and Mae. There was only thing I could think of that would have made the day better, and while I fantasized that he'd walk in and surprise me, it was only a fantasy.
He did call that night, but I cut him off before he could give me any details about his evening with Michelle. I didn't have the strength to hear it. He didn't push me for once, and I was really thankful for that. Instead, he told me stories about him and his sister and how he got into fights in school protecting her. She'd been a tomboy until her last year of high school, and he'd had to step in a few times when her male friends treated her too much like one of the guys. His protectiveness was one of the things I liked most about him. I don't have any idea when I fell asleep, but my cell phone was on the pillow next to me when I woke up.
Friday was all about cleaning and planning for Christmas. We took down the Thanksgiving decorations and started putting up all the Christmas wreaths, garlands, white lights, and big red bows. It was a detailed process that kept my mind and my fingers busy enough that I barely noticed the change in Stewie.
After lunch, he asked to use my office to make a phone call. He was in there for at least a half hour, not that I minded since I was busy decorating. When he came out though, he wouldn't look me in the eye and was extremely quiet. Annalisa was busy in the kitchen making gingerbread for our massive gingerbread house, so she wasn't there to notice. I wasn't sure what was going on, but he went back to helping me decorate and made small talk every once in a while, so I let it go.
It was another Sean-less night, but I smiled over the fact that I knew he was leaving Miami that night. No more Michelle. He'd be headed to California for some promotional event for the business, and in less than five days, I'd be seeing him for the first time. I was getting pretty giggly about it. Thinking about him made it hard to sleep, but I finally managed to doze off.
Saturday was supposed to be an easy day. I wasn't really needed in the inn at all, but Stewie was leaving on Monday, so we were all going to have lunch together. I got there a little after 11am and found Cerise wrapping empty boxes to place underneath our Christmas tree.
"I would avoid the kitchen
if I were you." She rolled her eyes dramatically then focused back on the wrapping paper she was cutting.
"Why's that?"
"Annalisa and Stewie have been huddled together in there all morning. It's nauseating."
I smiled. "I remember when you and Lutz were like that. We didn't call you nauseating."
"Yes you did." She laughed. "You specifically told us to get a room. Your mom even offered me one of the rooms in the inn as long as I took it somewhere else."
"Oh yeah." I laughed with her. "I remember that."
"I'm happy for them," she said sincerely. "It's just—come on, it's in the kitchen. Can't they go somewhere else? They make food in there."
"Hey, meat will be fondled in there one way or another." I laughed even louder at my own joke.
She made a disgusted face like she'd just eaten something sour. "Did you have to go there?"
I kept laughing all the way to the kitchen and poked my head in to be sure I wasn't interrupting anything I didn't really want to see. Surprisingly, Annalisa was on the stool and Stewie was leaning over her, looking angry. Annalisa looked upset and defensive. I was just closing the door to give them privacy when I heard my name.
"Morgan doesn't know," Annalisa insisted. "I'm telling you, there's just no way she knows anything about this."
"I have trouble believing that."
"Why were you digging at all? Did you really think she was hiding something?"
"Obviously she was." Stewie sounded angry, but I couldn't figure out what he was talking about. "That's why we did the check to begin with." Annalisa shook her head and Stewie's shoulders dropped. His voice turned more to sounding stressed. "Well if she doesn't know then she has a right to. Sean thinks so too. I just—"
Accidental Texting: Finding Love despite the Spotlight Page 12
