“I kind of thought you were checking him out, the way you always kept running into him.”
“Who I should have been checking out is his mother.” Kevin shook his head. “Mother Scott is too much. Two weeks in a row, she has been forty-five minutes late for her appointment. Then she wants to debate with me about everything.”
“That’s Mother.” Marlissa laughed out loud.
“I tried to test her peripheral vision and she told me that wasn’t important because eyes were made to focus straight ahead, not side to side. Besides, the Lord told her that her side vision was fine. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her.”
“I hope that doesn’t stop you from joining us on Memorial Day.”
“If I miss her church picnic, Mother Scott will whip me.”
“No, she—” Marlissa thought about it, then nodded her head. “Yes, she will.” There was a brief pause. “Pastor Drake called the other day and asked how you and I are doing.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I told him we’re good.” She smiled slightly. “I hope I didn’t lie to him.”
“You didn’t.”
Driving home, Kevin dropped the façade and was truthful with himself. He was stuck. Aside from a few snags, mainly his mother, the renewed relationship was working. The communication was wonderful, and in the affection department, Marlissa had had a rebirth. The old Marlissa would have never attempted something like what she’d done today. The woman who briefly shared his bed was too rigid and uncomfortable with her sexuality. The alcohol did soften her a bit, but that cheapened the experience for him.
The progress still wasn’t enough for him to lower his guard enough to tell Marlissa those three little words she frequently graced his ear with, or to discuss the divorce. To make matters worse, his desire to be intimate with her was increasing every day. Today with her on his lap he’d almost reached his breaking point, but the fear of her rejecting him kept him in check.
That was the one thing he couldn’t get past. How could they live as husband and wife if Marlissa was perturbed by his body? That was the origin of their problems. Marlissa hadn’t flipped out until he revealed his body; then both of their worlds began spinning out of control. Kevin refused to live his life in a box, exposing only parts of himself.
He wondered why she’d asked him about kids. Didn’t she remember how one-sided and unfulfilling their sex life was? Kevin pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind for now, but real soon they’d have to deal with those unresolved issues.
Chapter 14
Starla shook Leon for the third time without any success. When he was exhausted, a 6.0 earthquake along the San Andreas Fault couldn’t raise Leon from his coma-like sleep. Starla wished she had remembered his routine before draining every ounce of his energy. Then again, in her frame of mind it wouldn’t have mattered.
Starla had repeatedly vowed she wouldn’t sleep with Leon until all of their issues were resolved, but training Marlissa in how to win Kevin’s affections unleashed the she-bear in Starla. After tucking the boys in for the night, Leon didn’t stand a chance, as if he wanted one. She recalled Vangie’s warning, but three years was a long time and Leon was her husband. Despite their present situation, they still loved each other. Six hours ago, Starla didn’t see anything wrong with making love to her husband. Starla didn’t want to see, she wanted to feel. By his reaction, Leon needed the reunion more than she.
Leon had been honest with her from the beginning. The closest he remembered coming to having sex during their separation was the night he met Marlissa. He submitted to HIV testing just in case in his drunken state he’d had unprotected sex. Starla considered it only fair to tell him about her unplanned date with Lewis. She didn’t mention his name, just that he was a man from her church. The bottom line was that they both were starved.
Gazing now at his motionless body and the face exhibiting a smile of satisfaction and contentment, Starla second-guessed her decision to please her flesh.
The circumstances were the same. Leon wanted to renew their vows and start over. Starla still wasn’t sure she could do that. The beautiful experience they shared through the night couldn’t alleviate her anxiety over trusting Leon with her heart again. Yes, he was doing all the right things for all the right reasons. The boys loved him, and Lord knows she did, but fear is a powerful thing. For Starla, the fear came power-packed with insecurity and abandonment.
At age eight, Starla had sat at the kitchen table practicing multiplication while her parents talked in their bedroom with the door closed. Halfway through the problems, her father stepped into the kitchen and gave her a hug, then kissed her on the forehead. “I love you and I’ll see you later,” he had said, and left. “Later” ended up being thirteen years; her parents separated that day. The next time Starla saw her father, he was on his deathbed after suffering a heart attack.
Her father’s abandonment left Starla insecure, and afraid to love and to be loved. In Starla’s view, something must have been terribly wrong with her, if her own father could walk off and leave her without ever looking back. To cope, Starla built a brick wall around her heart and hid deep within the confines. She dealt with everyone as temporary and more superior.
Leon was the only person to see past the pretense and remove the bricks, one at a time. Leon gave her the security and validation she hadn’t gotten from her father. Starla considered herself average looking, but Leon made her feel like a beautiful queen. They shared everything and handled every problem together until David’s death. For the second time in her life, Starla was abandoned and emotionally scarred by a man she loved. Right now she didn’t have the strength or courage to try again.
There was an alternative: Lewis. He’d made it clear; she didn’t have to love him. Starla immediately shook that idea and tried waking Leon again.
“Baby, wake up.”
This time Leon groaned and reached for her, but Starla grabbed his hands.
“Baby, you have to go before the boys wake up and find you here.” She shook him again, but it was her words that caused his eyes to open.
“What?”
“The boys can’t see us like this. It’ll confuse them.”
Leon was wide awake now, but his facial expression said he wished he weren’t. “Starla, how would seeing us in the same bed confuse the boys? We’re their parents and we are married.” Leon held his breath, but Starla said the words anyway.
“But we’re not together.”
Leon snatched his hand away from her grasp and sat up. “So what was last night, a booty call in reverse?”
“No!” Starla defended herself. “I wanted to be with you. I missed you.”
“If you want to be with me, then why aren’t we together? Why are you asking me to sneak out like some trick?”
“Leon, please try to understand,” Starla pleaded. “I need more time.”
Leon jumped out of bed and gathered his clothing. “Funny how you don’t need more time when I can’t spend time with you because of work or when I’m marking up your neck. A few hours ago you were asking for something more, but it sure wasn’t time.” Starla looked away. “It seems you only need more time when it comes to what I want. I want us, but apparently you don’t.”
“That’s not true.”
“So that whole seduction scene was an illusion, and you’re not throwing me out like day-old garbage after making love to me several times?”
“Yes! No! Leon, you’re twisting everything!”
“I’m twisting everything?” Leon pointed at her. “You’re the one who said we wouldn’t make love unless were back together.”
“I know, but I’m still not ready.”
Leon stepped into his shoes, not bothering to button his shirt. He exhaled deeply and sat down on the side of the bed next to Starla, who was now crying quietly. “Star.” His voice was calmer. “I need you to tell me what your truth is. Up until now I thought we were on the same wavelength and striving for the sa
me goal. Do you really want our family unit restored?”
Starla sniffled and answered honestly. “Yes, I do.”
“Then what are we waiting for? I’m doing everything right by you and the boys; why isn’t that enough for you?” Starla didn’t respond. “Are you waiting for me to reestablish the business?” When she still didn’t respond, he asked, “Do you love me enough to trust me again?”
Starla gripped the sheet and pulled it tightly around her. “I am scared.” Leon recognized the raw fear he hadn’t seen in years, and gathered Starla into his arms until the trembling stopped and the tears subsided.
“Star, I am sorry for the hell I have put you through, but maybe this will help you finally heal from the wounds imposed on you by your father’s disappearance. You have never really dealt with that part of your life, and I acted as a good Band-Aid until I hurt you. Now it’s paralyzing you again.”
Starla lifted her eyes to meet his. “I know you’re right, but can you give me more time?”
Leon brushed her braids away from her face. “Is the fear of trusting me again the only thing holding you back?”
Starla kissed his lips. “Leon, if I wasn’t afraid you’d leave me again, I would tell you to move in tomorrow. I am not worried about money, I know you have what it takes to revive Star Construction and make it better than it was. I have total faith in you in that area.”
“Thank you, but I want your total trust. I won’t stop until I gain it.”
Leon placed Starla’s head against his body and prayed. Normally, he prayed for their marriage, but this prayer was specifically for his wife’s healing.
After Leon left, Starla lay in bed, unable to sleep. She resented Leon for being so quick and accurate in his diagnosis of her real issue. I love him for it, she thought. The questions she’d suppressed, compressed, and compacted to the back of her mind, Leon, with very little effort, yanked to the forefront.
Questions like: why hadn’t James Howard wanted to be a father to her? Why did he wait until the life had practically left his body before contacting her again? Had he ever missed her? Those questions and many more would forever go unanswered. Starla had tried on several occasions to search for the answers from her mother, but that proved ineffective. The only answer Yvonne would offer was, “He’s a dog that returned to his vomit.” When Starla asked what she meant by the statement, Yvonne wouldn’t respond to the question asked, but instead would remind Starla that they had managed to survive just fine without him.
But Starla hadn’t survived, she merely existed. Leon was right. Her love for him was real, but she’d used him to cover the hole left by her father. To her realization, the hole had grown. It had to have if she was even considering marrying someone she didn’t love or wasn’t in the least bit attracted to.
Starla went to the closet and pulled out the obituary she kept hidden away. She’d read her father’s life story so often, she had it memorized.
James Howard, born October 17, 1947, was the third child born to Fletcher and Annie Howard in Sherman, Texas. He received Christ at an early age . . . He leaves to cherish his memories, wife Odessa, and one daughter, Starla Howard of Hayward, California . . . and a host of friends.
As always, when she finished reciting the words, the worn yellow paper was stained with her tears. “Daddy, why did you leave me?” she cried repeatedly without any resolution. She gave up on sleep and fell to her knees alongside her bed, finding solace in the comfort of the Father’s presence. She succumbed to sleep that, only minutes before, evaded her. She didn’t sleep long before the boys alerted her that it was time for breakfast.
“Mommy, you went to sleep, just like Grandma does when she prays,” Montel observed.
Starla was too tired to laugh along with her son about how her mother-in-law prayed herself to sleep. “Mommy’s tired. Give me ten minutes and I’ll make breakfast.” Starla was barely standing on her wobbly legs when Montel, who was an exact replica of Leon, personality included, offered his advice.
“Mommy, next time don’t play with Daddy so much and you won’t be so tired.”
Starla gasped. “What are you talking about?”
“I heard you and Daddy wrestling last night.”
Starla ran into her bathroom, too embarrassed to face a six-year-old.
Leon finally emerged from his bedroom to find Marlissa at church, caught up in high praise. Pastor Jamal Bryant was preaching about getting radical and recovering all the stuff the enemy had stolen. Leon stood back, chuckling and watching Marlissa dance around the room and at the same time hollering, “Thank ya!” with her hands raised. She was so loud he wondered how she managed to hear the television. Leon listened to the announcer at the end of the service before attempting to gain Marlissa’s attention by placing his arm around her shoulder. “Hey, brat—”
Marlissa didn’t afford him the opportunity of completing his sentence. In fast-forward mode, she elbowed him in the groin, then turned and prepared to deliver a powerful kick to the same location. Her foot was halfway to the bull’s-eye when she recognized Leon bent over, gasping for air.
“Leon?” She slowly lowered her leg. “What are you doing here?”
“Crazy woman, I live here!” Leon managed. “Are you trying to kill me?”
Marlissa helped him to the couch. “I didn’t hear you come in last night. You called and said you were staying over at Starla’s.”
Leon leaned forward. “I did stay with Starla, for a while anyway, but that’s another story. Woman, tell me how you can go from dancing in the Spirit to fighting for the kill in two seconds flat?”
Marlissa laughed. “I’m sorry. I thought you were an intruder. Next time you better announce yourself before you get hurt for real.”
“I am hurt for real.” Leon was smiling, but Marlissa knew he was troubled.
“Things didn’t go according to plan, huh?” she asked.
Leon leaned his head back and sighed. “For the most part we made good progress, but there’s still major ground to cover. At least now I know how she really feels and what the real problem is.”
“Good for you. I wish I knew how Kevin feels about me. I think he still loves me by his actions, but he hasn’t verbalized anything yet.”
“Why don’t you just ask him?”
“That’s a thought,” was her reply, although she didn’t have the courage to follow through.
Chapter 15
Kevin looked at the caller ID and debated answering his cell phone. It was Reyna again. She’d been calling twice a day and had popped up unexpectedly at his office during the week. Unfortunately for Reyna, he had been called in for a surgical consult on a trauma victim. As for her phone calls, Kevin made it a point to keep them short and impersonal, hoping she would get the message, but she didn’t. Reyna was persistent in her pursuit.
“Thank you, Jesus,” Kevin mumbled when his phone finally stopped ringing and the message indicator tune didn’t sound. After adjusting his prosthesis, he finished dressing.
Since he planned to spend the day at the park, Kevin decided on his hunter green and black–and-white Reebok sweat suit. It was a hard decision, because Marlissa had selected the sweat suit for him on one of their shopping trips. He knew she liked it, but she also admired how well he could fill out a pair of jeans. “I can’t believe this.” He laughed out loud. “I’m trying to impress my wife.”
The doorbell sounded right on schedule. Tyson Stokes’s anal personality bothered most people, but Kevin appreciated the trait in his best friend. Tyson maintained control in all situations, which was why Kevin invited him to Restoration Ministries’ spring picnic. Thinking it was Tyson at the door, he opened the door without checking the peephole.
“Reyna, what are you doing here?”
Reyna wasn’t deterred by the disdain in Kevin’s voice or the frown on his face. She simply stepped inside like he had invited her in. “Kevin, I came by to see how you’re doing. Over the phone you sounded as if something was bothering you,
so I came by to check on you.” Reyna smiled and ran her fingers along his arm. “Your well-being is my number-one priority.”
Kevin considered his next move. The indirect approach hadn’t worked with Reyna. He had a feeling a direct approach wouldn’t either, but he gave it a try.
“Reyna, it’s not something that’s bothering me, it’s someone.”
Reyna appeared to be concerned. “Kevin, is your ex-wife bothering you? Because I can tell her to leave you alone. I—”
Kevin held his hand up, palm open. “Reyna, stop! You sound just like my mother.” Kevin took a deep breath and contemplated his next move. “Reyna, please listen to me carefully. Marlissa is not my ex-wife. She’s my wife and she’s not the one bothering me.” He pointed to her. “You are. Your constant phone calls and uninvited visits are annoying me to no end.”
Reyna twisted her face, like she was trying to decipher a coded message.
“I’m sorry, for a while I did lead you on, but truthfully, Reyna, I’m not interested in having a relationship with you. I have never been and never will be. Please stop calling and stalking me. And please, stop living the life my mother dictates to you. Find out who you are and what you want.”
Reyna’s face twisted in the opposite direction, but she didn’t speak.
“My mother probably told you not to listen to me, because she thinks I don’t know what I want, but she’s wrong. Please stop chasing me, and walk away with what pride you have left.”
She still didn’t respond.
“Reyna, do you understand what I’m telling you?” Before she could answer, the bell sounded again. Kevin went to answer the door. It was Tyson.
“Hey, man.” Tyson leaned against the doorframe in khaki slacks and a striped button-down shirt.
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