by Jessi Gage
“When I could, I got Tooley alone in the back of the station and told him to ease up. Asked him what he was doing keeping you. Knew he wasn’t going to bring you up on charges. He wouldn’t do that to Gripper. He would let you off with a warning for the first offense. Anyone else, he would have nailed to the wall, because Tooley, he’s always been extra hard on kids under the influence. His oldest son died in a drunk driving accident when he was seventeen. Can’t imagine what that’s like for a father. That’s why I usually let his scare-them-straight shit go. It’s just one of his quirks. Other than that, he was a decent cop, a decent chief.”
He glanced at her to see how she was doing so far.
She’d inclined her head toward him, listening, interested, but cautiously so. “I didn’t know that,” she said. “About Tooley’s son.”
He nodded. “Happened before the Tooleys moved to Newburgh. He didn’t talk about it much, but all of us on the force knew that’s why he acted the way he did when a kid turned up drunk.
“Like I said, normally, it bothered me, but I let it go. Couldn’t let it go when it was you he was putting through the wringer.” He remembered that night like it was yesterday. Mandy’s eyes had been downcast. Her posture defeated. He assumed that was because of Tooley’s ranting at her, trying to intimidate her into turning over a new leaf. She’d also been green to the gills with a blood alcohol level of point twenty-two. All that was bad enough, but when Cole had squatted down in front of her to ask if she was okay and it wasn’t just the aggressive odors of alcohol and puke wafting off her but the scent of sex too, he’d seen fucking red. Jealousy had grabbed his gut and refused to let go.
That’s when he knew what he felt for his buddy’s kid went beyond mere attraction. He had feelings for her. The realization had made him sick to his stomach.
Soon as Mandy refused his help, he got away from her. Couldn’t stand to smell what he’d assumed was some drunk high-school kid’s jizz on her a second longer.
“I’m not going to lie. It broke a little piece of me seeing you the way you were. Knowing you were out partying, doing things no high-schooler should be doing, drinking—” He swallowed, “…fucking.”
Mandy flinched.
“I didn’t know at the time what happened to you wasn’t consensual. I swear to God I didn’t know. Didn’t even suspect. Neither did Tooley.”
Mandy frowned. “Of course you didn’t know. I didn’t tell anybody.” Her eyes were steel in the darkness. She was so incredibly beautiful it took his breath away.
He had to force his lungs to take in some air before saying, “We still should have guessed, honey. Tooley was blinded by his history. I was distracted by jealousy.”
Her eyebrows pinched in confusion.
“Know you were attracted to me back then. Need you to know it went both ways.” He looked at her pointedly, unafraid of what he felt for her now that they were older.
Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything.
“When I got near you to ask if you were okay, I smelled sex on you, and I fucking lost my mind. Everything I’d learned about recognizing signs of abuse went right out of my head. All I could think was that some drunk high-school kid had his hands and other parts on you, and I could hardly breathe, let alone think.
“It’s no excuse,” he hurried to add. “Every day since then, I’ve wished I’d handled things different. I’m telling you now because that’s what happened, and it’s the start of a lot of crazy shit that happened after you left. I’m not even close to being done, but how you doing so far? You hanging with me on this? You too freaked to go on? Need a break?”
Her shoulders relaxed, but her brow furrowed. “It wasn’t your responsibility to read my mind, Cole. I’ll never forgive Tooley for how he made me feel that night, but I never blamed him for not guessing I’d been…assaulted. I never blamed you. The responsibility to say something rested with me. Even if Tooley never gave me the chance, you did. But even before Tooley found me, I’d made up my mind not to tell anyone.
“I didn’t know then what I know now. I thought what happened made all the rumors about me true.” She sniffed, and his heart ached for how alone she’d been. “I thought I was Mandy Homerun for real because of what those men did to me. I just wanted to forget it had happened. I hoped no one would ever find out.” She wiped her nose on her mitten, looked at it and said, “Gross. I think I need to go inside and get a tissue. I’m such a mess.”
He couldn’t stop himself. He gathered her into his arms. Their coats rasped against each other. Down compressed, and after a second, he felt her underneath the cold-weather clothing, shapely and solid against his chest. She was stiff as a board but began to relax in his hold.
Her cold nose chilled his neck. She was trembling. He had a feeling it wasn’t from the freezing temperatures.
Slowly, she wound her arms around his waist.
God. God. She was letting him hold her. He was going to die of relief, even if it didn’t mean what he wanted it to mean, even if it was just platonic comfort she was after. He’d give it. He’d give her whatever she wanted. As long as she’d let him.
“If you’re a mess, I’m an even bigger one,” he said into her vanilla-scented hair below the line of her hat. “I got more to tell you, stuff your dad wanted you to know. But we can take a breather if you want. You got a movie to put in? We could make some popcorn.”
She nodded against his shoulder.
He helped her up and carried the blanket and pillow down the ladder with her coming down after him.
When they got onto the porch, she paused with her mitten surrounding the doorknob. “I’m glad you didn’t leave.”
That made two of them. Getting to hug Mandy, that was one hell of a way to spend Christmas Eve.
Chapter 12
Cole knew.
I sat on the couch to pull off my Sorels, watching him shuck his parka and boots by the coatrack, wondering why I wasn’t more upset at his revelation.
I was shocked, but I wasn’t upset. I’d been angry at first that he’d blindsided me tonight. I’d thought he was here for one thing—something I’d decided to take advantage of as far as my physical limitations would allow and as long as I was in Newburgh—but instead of kissing me, he’d brought up the worst night of my life, on the day of my father’s funeral. How dare he?
Then he’d started telling his side of the story.
As I listened, I’d found myself sympathizing with him. I hadn’t been the only one with an ill-advised crush back then. He’d been dealing with his own issues since that night, including feeling embarrassed about his feelings for me—for me!—and, if my guess was correct, whatever happened between him and Tooley had led to his leaving Newburgh PD.
I wanted to hear more. If he hadn’t known about my assault that night, how had he found out? What, exactly, had happened between him and Tooley? What had led to Tooley getting ousted from Newburgh PD? And how on Earth had Dad found out? I really hoped Cole was mistaken about that. I didn’t think I could handle Dad’s knowing…how could he have known and never said anything to me about it?
I also wanted to learn more about what Cole felt for me, about where he thought we were headed. As much as I knew a relationship with him was out of the question, I wanted him to want one with me anyway. Foolish, but true.
There was no room for Cole’s enormous parka on the coatrack, so he tossed it on top of the dump pile beside me on the couch. While he unbuckled his holster and laid it on his parka, he looked down at me with stormy blue eyes.
He knew the most awful, most secret thing that had ever happened to me. He knew what I had only ever discussed with one person, my counselor, in a safe, private clinical environment.
Cole knew. And I wasn’t horrified by that.
He extended his hand.
I took it and let him tug me up. His skin was cold from being outside, but his grip was solid. I willed the heat from my mitten-warmed hands into him,
going so far as to pick up his other hand and rub both of his between mine.
“Thanks,” he said, standing very close. His heavy-lidded eyes settled on me and made my tummy do flip flops.
When I’d rubbed the worst of the cold away, I released his hands. Before I could pull away, he surrounded my hands with his, holding on, taking even more of my warmth.
“I could go for some of that Lucky Dragon if you’ve got any left,” he said.
“If you think I could possibly eat all that food myself, you’re out of your mind. Of course I have some left.” That should have been my cue to step away and go heat up some late dinner for him, but I didn’t want to lose his touch. I had a feeling he didn’t want to let go, either.
“Tell me I’m not out of my mind. Tell me we’re starting something here.”
I’d been too angry with him earlier to admit he was right. I wasn’t angry anymore, just cautiously curious. How could I be angry? Cole had information he thought I needed. The information was of an intense nature, but I wasn’t going to bite his head off for being the messenger. I could tell this was as hard for him as it was for me.
I took pity on him. “You’re not out of your mind. There’s something here.”
The corner of his mouth tipped up.
“But,” I warned. “It can’t go anywhere. Okay?”
His smile fell. He nodded.
I thanked my lucky stars he didn’t ask why or argue. It was hard enough to deny myself what everything in my body cried out for, mainly, Cole, Cole and more Cole. If he tried to talk me into a relationship, I might just give in. Unfortunately, that could only lead to pain for both of us.
He let me slip my hands out of his. I tinkered in the kitchen until the trailer smelled like reheated fried rice and red pork. Cole helped himself to another of Dad’s beers. He offered me one, but I opted for water instead.
Sitting across the eating nook from each other, we ate. Cole gobbled down bite after bite while I picked at the leftovers. I didn’t ask the million and one questions circling in my head, choosing instead to let him eat and order his thoughts. When he finished, I rinsed our plates and put them in the dishwasher.
“You want to talk here?” he asked, indicating the kitchen.
“It’s as good a place as any.” I sat back down, facing him, forearms resting on the table. “All right. Lay it on me.”
The corner of his mouth twitched with humor. He sobered all too quickly. “You’re probably wondering how your dad comes into it.”
“Uh, yeah. I don’t understand how anyone in Newburgh knows about the assault.”
Cole inhaled and leaned back in his chair. He folded his arms across his chest. “After I went home that night, I was so pissed at myself for losing my cool. But more, I was worried about you. Didn’t want Gripper to come down hard on you. You didn’t need that after Tooley’s yammering, yeah? Wanted to call Grip and put in a few good words for you, but figured I better stay out of it. I had no business thinking about you as much as I did. I worried there might actually be something wrong with me, having the hots for a girl not even out of high school yet.” He shook his head.
I felt for him. I’d known my crush on Cole back then was ill advised, but I hadn’t felt ashamed of it. Because of the direction of our age difference, I could see how having feelings for me would have been distressing for him.
“You never acted on it,” I reminded him. “You shouldn’t feel weird about liking me back then.”
“It’s one thing to know that now. It was something else to live it then, especially because of what Tooley did after he fired me.”
I wanted to know what Tooley had done to Cole after, but hearing the word “fired” confirmed what I’d suspected during the great will search up in Dad’s shop. “So it’s true. Tooley fired you for trying to advocate for me.”
“He fired me for breaking his nose.”
“Same difference.” I managed a weak smile.
Cole huffed. “Maybe it’s crappy of me, but getting canned by a guy I’d just clocked soothed the sting a little.”
No wonder there was so much tension whenever he and Tooley were in the same room. “I’m sorry you lost your job.”
“Nothing to be sorry about, honey. No part of it was your fault.”
He was right. I recognized the urge to accept blame for Cole’s getting fired—after all, if I’d never gone out partying that night, he might still be working for Newburgh PD. But thanks to my years of schooling and the counseling I received as part of my education, I knew that to accept blame for that would be to accept blame for the rape, as well.
I refused to return to that dark place where what-ifs pointed the blame back at me like jabbing fingers of shame. Nothing I did that night caused those men to rape me. Nothing. The fault was theirs. Cole lost his job because he punched his chief, not because of me.
“What did Tooley do after he fired you?”
“My worry for you turned to paranoia. I started thinking about how you were acting that night and had myself thinking someone might have tried to hurt you while you were too drunk to defend yourself.” His eyes went steely blue-gray. “I knew I could be reading too much into things because of how I felt about you, so I figured I’d go talk to you and ask what really happened that night.
“I was nervous. Didn’t know how you’d react to me asking personal questions. I mean, I was friends with your father, and we’d spoken in passing, but other than that crush we had going on that we were so careful not to acknowledge, you didn’t know me. Not really. I was a grown man, and you were a high-schooler. Plus, you knew me as a cop. I didn’t kid myself you’d be comfortable confiding in me, especially knowing you’d been out partying that night. But I figured I’d be a shitty cop—ex-cop—if I didn’t at least give voice to my concerns.
“By the time I headed to your place to talk to you, I had myself convinced you’d been assaulted. I kept replaying your posture, your lack of eye contact, the way you smelled—” He shook his head sharply. “What if someone had raped you and Tooley’s lecture made you feel like you couldn’t report it? I had to find out. Even if I wasn’t PD anymore, there were places I could take you where you could report it and get help. I prayed I was wrong, but I had a feeling I wasn’t. The more I thought about it, the more I suspected Tooley and I fucked up in a big way with you that night.”
He leaned forward and mirrored me by bracing his forearms on the table in front of him. The rickety eating nook groaned as it took his substantial upper-body weight. “So I went to your place. It was a week later. I saw your Blazer in the driveway and headed for the house. It was you I wanted to talk to, not Grip. But your dad surprised me. He came down the shop stairs, walked right up to me and cocked his fist. If I’d ducked a second later, he would have dislocated my jaw.
“Turns out Tooley told your dad you and I were sleeping together. He claimed my punching him was because we were an item behind Grip’s back. That’s supposedly why I took Tooley’s treatment of you so personally.” He scoffed. “Your dad believed it. Told me to get off his property and stay away from you or he’d shoot me full of holes.”
How had I not known about this? Oh! Cole was describing the fight I’d witnessed between him and Dad in the driveway. I must have just missed the punch Dad had thrown, but I’d seen what happened after. “I saw you that day.”
Cole blinked, surprised.
“I saw you and Dad arguing from inside the trailer. I couldn’t hear what you were saying, but I could tell it was heated.” It sliced me deep to think Dad had so easily believed Tooley’s lies.
“Sorry you had to see that, honey. And sorry to have to tell you what it was about.”
I looked at my lap, embarrassed, hurting.
Cole stretched a hand across the table and covered my forearm. He rubbed back and forth over my sweater with his thumb.
“It wasn’t true,” I said. I was so tired of people believing lies about me. It was bad
enough when it was my friends and their parents, but my own father? Tears sprang to my eyes. I refused to let them fall.
“If it’s any consolation, your dad knew the truth before he died.”
I took heart at that and swallowed the lump of hurt. Nodding, sniffling, I let Cole know I was ready for more.
“Atta girl,” he said, making me feel ridiculously proud. He left his hand on my arm while he continued. “Tooley’s accusation hit a sore spot for me. Probably because I actually did think about you that way, even if I never took it any further. The fact Gripper believed it hurt. It hurt bad. I lost a good job and a good friend all because of one shitty night. And to top it all off, I was still worried about you. But I was embarrassed too. Wasn’t about to show my face anywhere near here. Not with the whole town spreading rumors about us.”
I groaned. “The whole town?” Fabulous. My reputation was even worse than I thought. On the heels of that, I realized that while my reputation seemed to have gone from bad to worse, Cole’s reputation had been good until that night. “I’m really sorry,” I told him. “That must have been awful.”
He shrugged. “You moved away, and I moved on. I thought about trying to contact you, but didn’t want to go against your dad’s wishes or piss him off any more than he already was. Convinced myself you were fine, it was just my feelings for you making me see demons that weren’t there. Eventually, I found a job with the state patrol and started seeing a fellow officer, even though that’s not exactly Kosher. You met her. Stacey. She brought that WD-40 the other night.”
I flinched at the thought of Cole dating another woman. Hopefully, he didn’t notice. “I remember her,” I choked out.
“It didn’t last long,” he said with a gentle smile that told me he’d seen the flinch. “The whole time we were together, I was trying to convince myself I was normal, I wasn’t a perv who liked young girls. She could tell I wasn’t as into her as she wanted me to be, and she called me out on it. One thing you’ve got to know about Stace, she says whatever’s on her mind. Eventually, she dragged it out of me that I had feelings for someone else, someone I couldn’t have. I didn’t tell her it was you, but she figured it out.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
