Raphael must have read her mind. He gathered her in his arms, pulling her head against his chest. She felt safe, as if he could protect her from her worst fears.
‘We will give you a tocolytic when we get you to hospital,’ he said. ‘We may still be in time to stop your labour. If we aren’t, the baby still has a good chance. Many babies of that gestation do well. You need to remember that.’
‘And many don’t,’ Annie mumbled into his chest. She couldn’t even cry now, the fear was too intense. All she wanted was for her baby to live.
Then she was being lifted out of the ambulance. Raphael was shouting orders and Kate was holding her hand. There were lights and people and fear and pain. Then she was in one of the side rooms in the labour ward. Kate was examining her and Annie heard her tell everyone that she was five centimetres dilated. And there was another obstetrician and Julie. Where had she come from? And her obstetrician, Dr Gibson, was talking to Raphael. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she heard the word paediatrician and too late and she was more frightened than ever. But Raphael was by her side again.
‘It’s too late to stop labour,’ he said gently. She looked up and she could see the concern and sympathy in Julie and Kate’s eyes.
‘Look at me,’ Raphael commanded. So she forced herself to look at him, not wanting to, knowing that whatever she saw there would be the truth and she wasn’t ready for the truth—she’d never be ready.
Her eyes found his and she read the anguish there. He couldn’t hide it from her, no matter how much he wanted to.
‘You’re going to have our baby—soon.’ Annie looked away, but he eased her head around. ‘Everyone is ready to help. The paediatrician is here and as soon as the baby is delivered he will be taken up to the special care nursery. They will do everything they can up there to keep our baby alive. Right now, you have to listen to Julie and Kate. And I’ll be right here.’
‘Don’t leave me,’ she whispered through lips frozen with fear.
‘I’ll never leave you, cariño. I’m staying right here. Where I belong.’
Two hours later Annie gave a final push and felt her child slip into the world and into Kate’s waiting arms. Desperately she listened, waiting for a sound to let her know her baby lived. She watched as Julie rushed the baby over to the waiting incubator as she and the paediatrician started working over the tiny form.
‘You have a little girl,’ Kate said. ‘Well done.’
‘Can I see her?’ Annie asked. More than anything else she wanted to hold her baby in her arms. It could well be the last chance she had.
‘We need to let Julie and the paediatrician do what they have to, Annie. Let them take care of our daughter,’ Raphael said, but she could see his eyes were shining with unshed tears.
Tentatively she reached out her hand and brushed a lock of hair away from his eyes. ‘Is she breathing? Please, Raphael, go to her.’
Raphael left her side, to be replaced by Kate.
‘She is breathing, Annie,’ she said. ‘And although she’s very small, she has a good chance. They’ll be taking her away to Special Care as soon as they have her stabilised. They’ll take you up to see her in a little while. Try and rest now. I promise you, one of us will let you know the second we have news.’
Annie looked past her to the incubator, but there were too many bodies in the way for her to see properly. She struggled to sit up. She needed to see her baby. Her daughter needed to feel her mother’s presence. But Kate pressed her back down.
‘Annie, we still need to deliver the placenta. And you’ll only get in the way. I know it’s horrible, but you need to let us do our job.’
Kate was right, of course. But it was so damned hard not being able to see her child. But just then a tiny cry filtered into the room. Her baby was crying. That was a good sign. There was a flurry of activity around the cot and Raphael came back to stand next to Annie.
‘They are taking her upstairs just now,’ he said. ‘But she is breathing. She is beautiful. The most beautiful baby I have ever seen.’ His voice cracked.
Hope flared as she saw the look of wonder in his eyes. He wouldn’t look like that if her baby wasn’t all right, would he? If she couldn’t be with their daughter, at least Raphael could. Her baby wouldn’t be alone.
‘Go with them,’ she whispered. ‘Stay with her. She needs you.’
Suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed. ‘She’s haemorrhaging,’ Dr Gibson called out. ‘Get me some hemabate stat.’ There was a flurry of activity and Annie felt panic clench her throat. Who was bleeding? What was happening?
Then Raphael’s face swam into view. ‘You have a bit of retained placenta,’ he said quietly. ‘They are giving you something to stop the bleeding.’
‘We need to get her to theatre.’ It was Dr Gibson. ‘Julie, ring down and tell theatre to get ready for us. Then page the anaesthetist. C’mon, everyone, let’s get moving.’
Raphael brushed a lock of hair from Annie’s eyes. ‘Don’t be frightened, cariño. Everything’s going to be okay. You’ll be back on the ward before you know it.’
Annie clutched at his hand, amazed at her own strength. ‘I need to see my baby before I go. Please. Just in case…’ Her voice caught on a sob. She willed Raphael to understand. If anything went wrong, she might never see her baby.
‘There isn’t time,’ he said. ‘We can’t afford to wait. We have to take you now.’
‘Please, Raphael. Do this for me?’
She could see the hesitation in his eyes. But then he straightened.
‘Let her see our baby,’ he said urgently.
‘There’s no time,’ Dr Gibson said. ‘We have to operate on her now. She could bleed out.’
But Raphael moved towards the incubator. ‘It will only take a second,’ he said, and, picking up the tightly swaddled infant, he brought her over to Annie.
Annie gazed down at her child. She was barely the size of Raphael’s hands and she could see every vein in her translucent skin. As she looked at her Annie knew that she would never again experience the powerful emotions that swept through her body. This was her child, and she would fight tooth and nail for her for the rest of her life.
There was a hush in the room as everyone stopped for a second to watch Annie meet her child.
‘You fight,’ Annie said to her daughter. ‘Don’t you dare leave me.’
‘We need to take you down to theatre now,’ Raphael said gently, and Annie knew that her brief moment with her baby was over. ‘I’ll be there with you.’
‘No, Raphael,’ Annie said, mustering the last of her strength. ‘You go with our daughter. Please. I’ll be all right.’
‘I don’t want to leave you on your own.’ He looked after his departing child, obviously torn.
‘She needs you more than I do. Besides, Kate is here. Come and tell me as soon as there is any news. Promise?’
He leaned over and brushed the top of her head with his lips. ‘Everything is going to be all right. I’ll be back as soon as I can.’
When Annie next opened her eyes, it was to find Raphael looking down at her. Fear clutched her chest but before she could speak, Raphael smiled.
‘They stopped the bleeding. They had to put an intrauterine balloon in but it will be removed shortly. You are going to be OK.’
Dazed, Annie looked around. She had a drip in her arm, but apart from feeling a little groggy she was fine. She licked dry lips and, without asking, Raphael poured a glass of water and, slipping his arm behind her shoulders, lifted her slightly so that she could drink. The water was enough to ease Annie’s throat sufficiently to speak.
‘Where is she? Is she all right? I want to see her.’
‘Hey, take it easy, Annie. She’s upstairs in Intensive Care. They have her on a respirator, but she’s doing well. Our daughter is beautiful.’ Annie saw the wonder in his deep brown eyes. But she needed to see her child for herself. That was the only way she could believe that she was all right. She pushe
d the sheets aside just as Julie entered the room. Annie had worked with Julie many times before and knew the experienced midwife well.
‘And just what do you think you are doing?’ Julie said, lifting Annie’s legs and popping her back into bed.
‘I want to see my child, Julie,’Annie said. ‘Then I’ll come back to bed. I promise.’
‘No way,’ Julie said firmly. It was a different side to the midwife, one that Annie hadn’t seen before, but, then, she hadn’t been a patient before. ‘You are not leaving this bed. Not until I say so.’
Annie looked across at Raphael. She had to see their daughter. She just had to.
‘Raphael, please. Tell them I can go upstairs. Only for a moment. I’ll do as I’m told after that.’
Raphael looked at Annie. His eyes softened. ‘I’ll take responsibility,’ he said. ‘We’ll take the drip with us and put her in a wheelchair. She’s so stubborn, if we don’t take her she’ll be up there as soon as we aren’t looking, anyway.’
Julie looked indecisive, but before she could protest further, Raphael was helping Annie out of bed.
‘I don’t need a wheelchair,’ Annie protested, but then as her legs buckled she had to lean on Raphael for support.
‘It’s a wheelchair or nothing,’ Julie said. ‘Just give me a mo’ to fetch one.’
Annie didn’t have the strength to argue. Besides, she didn’t want to wait a moment longer to see her baby. Only when she saw her for herself would she truly believe what Raphael had told her.
But it was almost more than she could bear when she finally saw her tiny baby. She was almost hidden from view by wires, her face covered by the ventilator that was breathing for her, and Annie felt cold with dread. More than anything in the world she wanted to hold her daughter. Transfer the strength from her own body to that of her child. Let her know that she was there.
‘Remember, it looks worse than it is,’ Raphael said, resting his hands on her shoulders. ‘The lines and wires are there to monitor her as much as anything.’
Annie nodded. She knew all that, of course she did. Plenty of her mothers over the years had had babies that required time in Special Care. But it was one thing telling a mother not to be frightened by the paraphernalia of Special Care and quite another when it was your baby lying there. So small and so helpless.
She slipped a hand through the hole in the incubator and slipped a finger into her daughter’s minuscule hand. Her heart filled with wonder as she felt the small fingers close around hers.
‘Hello, darling,’ she whispered. ‘This is your mummy. Everything is going to be okay. But you have to fight.’ Turning to Raphael, she could see his anguish in eyes. ‘I want you to tell me everything the paediatrician has told you. I don’t want to be protected, so keep nothing back from me.’ She meant every word. Whatever terror gripped her, she was going to stay strong. Her baby needed her and until she was out of danger…She pushed the thought away. One step at a time.
‘As you can see, she is being ventilated. Her lungs aren’t fully developed yet, so she’ll probably stay on it for a few days at least. They are also giving her surfactant to help her breathing.’
‘What about…?’ She could hardly bare to say the words, but Raphael guessed what she wanted to know.
‘We won’t know whether there are any complications—if she’s suffered any—until later, Annie. She has to get through the next few days first.’ He laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. ‘Come on, let’s get you back to bed. I’ll come back up here and stay with her while you sleep.’
‘I can’t leave her,’ Annie whispered.
‘You are going to need all your strength in the next few days. And she is going to need her mother fit and healthy.’
‘How can I sleep when she is fighting for her life?’ But even as she said the words Annie felt a wave of fatigue wash over her. She was so tired.
‘You can’t stay here, Annie. The nurses need to work on her. But you can come back later, when you have had a rest. You lost a great deal of blood earlier.’ He looked at his watch. ‘It will be morning soon.’
Reluctantly Annie let Raphael take her back to her room and help her back into bed. ‘You will wake me if there is any change, no matter how small?’
‘Of course.’
‘And you won’t leave her?’ She clutched his hand. ‘I know you must be tired, too.’
‘I won’t leave her,’ he promised. ‘I’ll watch over her while you sleep.’
Knowing he would be true to his word, Annie closed her eyes and gave in to sleep.
It was getting light when Annie next opened her eyes. As the memory of the night before came flooding back, she panicked.
Her baby. She needed to see her baby. Where was Raphael? Why wasn’t he here to let her know what was happening? If he was still in Special Care, did that mean something had happened? Knowing that if she called for a nurse they would try and prevent her from getting out of bed, she pushed the bed covers aside and reached for the dressing gown Kate had packed for her. Then on legs that felt like rubber she slipped upstairs and into the special care nursery.
She found Raphael in a chair by the side of the incubator. He was leaning forward, gazing into the incubator and talking quietly in Spanish. Annie stood silently listening. Although she couldn’t understand the words, she knew by the timbre of his voice that he was suffering too.
He must have felt her standing behind him because he turned. Annie drew a sharp breath when she saw his face. He looked gaunt with fatigue, his eyes were shadowed and there were lines on his face that Annie had never seen before. Clearly he hadn’t left their baby’s side, not even to change or shave. He had told her that he would watch over their baby and he had. There was no doubt he cared about his daughter, but would he feel the same way if she turned out to be less than perfect?
‘There’s no change. I was going to come and see you,’ he said. ‘The nurses were supposed to ring up as soon as you were awake.’
‘They didn’t know. I slipped out when no one was looking. I know the night sister well and she would have tried to stop me. I didn’t want to take that risk.’ She bent over the cot. Her daughter was still on the respirator and there were wires everywhere. But she was alive. That was all that mattered.
Raphael stood next to her.
‘Have you thought of a name? We should name her.’
Annie felt fear claw her throat again. Why was he so keen? Was he about to suggest that they had her baptized—just in case? She shook her head.
‘I would like to call her Angela, after my mother.’ She took a deep steadying breath and clenched her hands so hard that the nails dug into her palms.
Raphael put his arms around her and held her close. For a moment she resisted, then as he whispered her name she couldn’t help herself. She clung to him as she gave in to her grief and fear.
‘Angela. Little Angelica. It is a good name,’ he murmured into her hair.
And then she was only vaguely aware of Raphael leading her away from the cot and into the staff room. The nurses, seeing her distress, quietly stood up and left them alone. Raphael sat in one of the easy chairs and, still holding her, pulled her onto his lap as if she were a child. She wound her arms around his neck and cried until eventually her tears subsided to hiccups.
She hid her face in his chest. She felt safe there, as if nothing bad could ever happen as long as this man held her. He slid a handkerchief under her bowed head and she took it gratefully, using it to dry her face then blow her nose noisily. Eventually she sneaked a glance at his face, knowing, but not caring, that she must look a mess.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t usually cry like that, at least not in front of people.’
As he looked down at her with warm brown eyes she suddenly realised she was still curled up in his lap. Embarrassed, she struggled to her feet, but he put a restraining arm around her waist.
‘You must not apologise. Not everyone can be strong all the time, and this i
s a terrible time for you. But you are not alone. Not any longer. I am here with you.’
He sounded more Spanish, almost as if emotion had robbed him of his hitherto perfect English. But he was suffering too. This was a child he had also longed for. But what if Angela didn’t pull through? There was nothing to stop Raphael walking away—and she wouldn’t try to stop him. Once again she realised how little she actually knew about this man. She loved him, there was no doubt about that, but if he chose to walk away, she would let him.
She rested her head back on his chest and felt him rest his chin on top of her head. They sat there for a while longer, not saying anything, each one alone with their thoughts.
Eventually Annie eased herself out of his arms. ‘I’m going to have a shower and get dressed so I can spend the rest of the day with Angela. Then you could go home and get some rest yourself. You must be exhausted.’
‘I’m used to not sleeping.’ He smiled up at her.
‘No argument,’ Annie said firmly. ‘I want you back here later this afternoon awake and alert. Neither of us will be any use to Angela if we are falling asleep on our feet.’
Raphael looked surprised. He raised an eyebrow at her and a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
‘You must be feeling better, cariño, to be wanting to boss me about.’
Annie’s heart melted at the look in his eyes. How she wished everything could be different. If only Raphael could love her, nothing would be impossible.
‘Go,’ he said, tipping her gently off his lap. ‘There is something I need to tell you. But now is not the right time. Soon, I hope. When our child is safe, we will talk. But for now let us do what we have to.’
CHAPTER TWELVE
Brides of Penhally Bay - Vol 4 Page 29
