I wanted to prove something to her and to me too, but it backfired. That kiss, that damn kiss was like no other. Whatever the hell that meant, it was like no other. I hadn’t been thinking about Lena, and even now she was just a vague thought, distant to me. I hadn’t been thinking of Brooklyn as Little B either. I was thinking like a man thinks of a sexy woman.
I didn’t want my girlfriend, but I was starving for Brooklyn. What kind of fucked up man was I?
On my tip toes, I knocked on the window pane. I looked around, making sure that nobody saw me knocking on Big No's window. I didn't want my parents to know that I went out my bedroom so late at night. Even if they weren't really there for me, they didn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I knew it somehow.
Big No's bedroom was in the darkness, but he should be there. I knew his mother wasn't doing great this week and I was worried when Big No wasn't there tonight for our movie night. He never missed it. Ever.
I kept on knocking until my knuckles hurt me. I glanced at my fingers and cringed. My usually very pale skin was an angry red after knocking and knocking. Maybe he was out with his grown up friends after all. Dejected, I turned around, my eyes to the deep green grass that was licking my bare feet.
Then, behind me the window opened slowly. With a start I turned around and smiled big, but it didn't last when I saw Big No. I ran to his window, my eyes wide with fear. He looked awful. His left eye was swollen shut and purple, his upper lip was cut, probably from his lip ring on his lower one that bit into his skin and his left eyebrow was swollen with a tiny cut with dried blood. Then, I took in his hands and his knuckles that were all scratched. Something really bad happened.
"Who hurt you? What happened?" I cried feverishly, my hands now against the window pane.
He half smiled at me and extended a hand for me to grab to help me in. I had to jump to bring myself high enough to climb inside, I was still too small for his window even if I’d grown up quite a bit these last few months. When Big No helped me back on my feet inside his room only lit by his bedside lamp, he cringed and brought a hand to the right side of his ribcage.
"Calm down, Little B, it's nothing." He slowly walked back to his bed and sat carefully, exactly the same way a very old man would. I hated to see him in such a pain. "I got into a fight with some jerk."
"Who?" I was still standing close to his window. I could count on my hand how many times I had been in his bedroom and every time I felt out of place somehow. This was the thing that made me realize that there were parts of him and of his life that were out of my reach.
"Mike. That fucker doesn't think he's the prodigal son anymore," he said darkly before he ran a hand over his buzzed hair. "I really need to stop cursing around you or soon you'll be swearing around town."
"I thought Mike was your friend," I replied with a frown, not saying a thing about the swearing. I never swore and some kids at school thought I was stuck up, but I didn't care. I knew that Big No wouldn't be happy if I was using words like jerk, fuck or damn. I didn't want to disappoint him.
"I don't want to talk about this." He wiggled his way on his bed to lean his back against the wall at the head of the bed. When he was settled, he released a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"Why don't you want to talk about it?"
"Because it's grown up stuff, okay? You're what, eleven? You wouldn’t understand."
I sucked loudly on my breath and covered my still flat chest with my hand where my heart was beating painfully, it wasn’t fast or anything, it was just painful, as if every beat was igniting my insides. After all, he was right, I was just eleven. I was a kid, an innocent little girl who wanted to play grown-up with him. That was true, but he knew that I wasn't like the other eleven years old kids at school either. He knew everything about my home life, about me.
"Open your eyes, I'm not nine, Nolan!"
He opened his eyes wide when his first name left my lips. I couldn't even remember the last time I said Nolan, if I ever said it. To me, he was Big No. Not right at this moment, though. And for the first time, we both raised our voice to each other. It hurt so freaking much. I wanted his arms around me and our quiet and peaceful movie nights, not this. If that was what it felt like to be a grown-up, maybe it wasn't worth it after all.
"I...I'm sorry," he stuttered and tapped the small space on the bed next to him. Of course, I couldn't resist him when he was looking at me this way. With his eyes wide and pleading, bright under the dim light, I didn't even feel it when I started to walk toward him and sat. "I don't want to fight with you, not with you, Little B. I'm really sorry."
He pushed away from my face some of my boring brown hair and I shivered discretely when the tip of his fingers touched the shell of my ear. My face warmed and I turned away from his too watchful gaze.
"I hate it when you use my age against me and you know it," I mumbled in the empty space of his bedroom. I wondered if his mother was in the kitchen or in her bedroom. Or maybe she was out there with the other people buying drugs. Since that time when I had met her, I had always been afraid, unsure of what to say or if I should look at her in the face. And I hated how she hurt Big No again and again.
"I know, but you are still a kid. I'm seventeen, Little B and I will soon leave for college while you won't even be in high school yet. There are things I can't talk about with you, but that doesn't mean you mean any less to me. If anything, you mean much more than anyone in this fucking town."
"I don't want to think about you leaving."
“Why’s that? It's not like we won't see each other anymore."
I shrugged and blinked hard to push away the tears welling up in my eyes. "I will miss you."
He grabbed my chin and brought my face back toward his. He looked so serious, almost angry. "Don't ever be sad because of me. I don't deserve any of your tears."
My throat was closing and it was impossible to mutter a word. Instead, I flung my arms around his neck and nuzzled my face into his shoulder. He tensed and even if I was hurting him, he said nothing. Instead, he sighed and wrapped his arms around me, protectively and it felt like home. I didn't want to think about him leaving next year. Right now, he was here. And I was in his arms.
BROOKLYN
I could forget my calm and silent retreat. A few feet from where I parked my old car, a campfire was burning bright and high with happy people drinking and eating s’mores nearby. I put my keys in the pocket of my shorts and left my guitar in the backseat. I didn't want to risk getting cheap beer spilt on it.
I recognized most of the party goers. Some were from my high school, others were older and a few were obviously passing by and decided to enjoy a good old campfire party with pop music playing in the background coming from a car.
"Brooklyn?"
I turned to my left and saw Mike leaning against a lone tree with a red cup in hand. If he was still standing it meant that he wasn't drunk yet. Safe, I walked to him, not sure that I was being smart here. I didn't want to argue with him; I had enough mess in my life at the moment.
"What are you doing here?" he asked me as I got closer to him. He sipped his beer slowly, his eyes raking over my bare legs way too thoroughly to be innocent.
"I wanted to come here for some peace. I didn't know there would be a party."
When this place wasn't invaded for a party, it was very pretty. It was secluded from our little town and at night, you could see thousands upon thousands of stars shining in the dark sky. It was beautiful, peaceful and a place I went to when I needed an escape.
"You know it's my family’s land, don't you?"
"Shit, I forgot, Mike." What an idiot. I ran a hand through my hair and made a move to leave, but Mike stopped me with a gentle grab of my hand.
"You can stay. It's fine."
He pulled away and finished his beer in one gulp, his eyes now avoiding me. He scanned the party a few feet away and I couldn't help but notice that he wasn't in a party mood. He wasn't even talking to his friends that were fl
irting and drinking on the other side of the fire.
"How are you doing?"
He laughed and glanced back at me before he looked up, his eyes lost into the thick foliage of the tree he was leaning against. "I'm questioning things, thinking about how poorly I treated you and how..." he took a deep breath and looked to the ground. "How I want you back even if it's pointless to want that."
For the first time since I met him, I saw Mike vulnerable. It's not like the other day when I broke up with him and he was humiliated and crushed, but it was as if he was lost. Suddenly, I wanted to comfort him, to stop being a bitch to him. But if I hugged him, it would give him some kind of false hope. I didn't want to risk it.
"I swear, Mike, I never imagined that you could get so attached to me. You never showed it."
He nodded and crushed the cup in his hand. "I know. I was a total jerk to you and I acted like an immature little shit. You taught me a lesson I'm not going to forget. Who knew you'd be the one to force me to grow up? Age is really just a number sometimes."
I wanted to laugh at that. Who knew that the wrong guy would open his eyes about it and see things my way? Age is just a number and doesn't define people and relationships, not always at least. But Mike wasn't the one I wanted even if he wasn't the idiot I thought he was. He could be a decent guy if he wanted.
"Tell it to Nolan."
Mike cringed but took it in stride. "I heard that his girlfriend is in town and had been a bitch to you."
"At least you don't think I initiated it," I said bittersweet. I kicked in a small stone and it disappeared in a dark bush.
"You're not one to go into a fight."
"Nolan thought I was the one going at it with her. That bitch has him wrapped around her finger."
Mike shook his head and finally looked me in the eyes and I couldn't ignore his good looks. It could have been easier if I loved him back. It sucked to be so blindsided by Nolan and had him mess so much with my head and feelings.
"That girl is a convenient choice." He smiled at me, but it didn't reach his dark eyes that sent a sad spark my way. "The way he looks at you... It's not like he used to when you were still a kid. It's different, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it."
"Is it bothering you to talk about this?"
He shrugged and smirked ruefully. "It's not the easiest topic for me, but I realize we can’t be anything other than just friends. Go ahead."
"I kissed him and he pushed me away. We had a fight and he came to my house and kissed me before he left angry at me."
Mike's eyebrows shot upward, high on his forehead. "You've got some balls."
"Last time I checked myself down there, there are no balls."
His smirk came back and this time it reached his eyes. "I remember checking too."
I laughed and he chuckled with me. It was good to see his easy-going side. "Seriously, he's maddening."
"Think about it that way; he kissed you too. It means something.’’
"To prove that it meant nothing, that there's nothing going on and that he doesn't feel anything."
"He can't kiss you and feel nothing." He shook his head. "He's lost. He has to see you as an adult, a woman who is in tune with both her feelings and her needs. That's not easy when you’ve been apart for six years. Give him some time and don't let his girl get to you."
"Who knew you'd be great with relationship advice?"
He chuckled and without me noticing what he intended, he hugged me, long and hard. He ran both hands up and down my back and brushed his neatly shaved cheek against my face. I brought my hands to his arms, not sure where to put them. It was funny how clumsy I could be with a guy I’d touched while naked without a second thought.
"I need to go or else I'm going to try something stupid with you. I'm not in a party mood." He released me and looked at me long and hard before he turned around and walked toward his car parked somewhere in the sea of cars.
I never thought I'd regret our time together, but Mike got to me in a way. I didn't want to be with him anymore and I never felt love for him, but we understood each other and connected in a way.
I looked around and decided to leave. I wasn't in a party mood either and I needed to regroup and think about what Mike had said. Maybe he was right, maybe I shouldn't give up now. After all, Nolan kissed me too and it shook him. It had to. In the meantime, I should think about my priority. Rent a place. Nolan would be around town for a few days while I had to live here, I had to build myself a life even if it wasn't the kind of life I dreamed.
I wanted Nolan to see me as a grown-up, as an adult and it was time I acted like one. Having my own apartment was the first step and to be honest, I needed out of my parents' house. I was starting to feel restless about them and fighting with them wouldn't do any good to any of us.
I walked back to my car, my steps touching the ground with determination. I wasn't going to wallow in self-pity, especially over a guy and I didn't want to feel lost like I had after Nolan left. He hurt me enough to last me a lifetime. It had to stop. Now!
* * *
NOLAN
I glanced around the bar, but it was obvious Brooklyn wasn’t there. I kept an eye on the door leading to the employees only area, but still no sign of her.
“Hey, looking for something?’’
I turned toward the bar and frowned at the bartender I remembered hitting on Brooklyn when I first saw her here. “Is Brooklyn scheduled today?’’
His dark eyes narrowed on me with what I supposed was suspicion. My fists clenched at my sides. If that douche didn’t open his fucking trap in the next minute…
“No, she took a day off. You’re that author, right?’’
I sighed and leaned more heavily against the bar. Where was she? “Yeah, listen, do you know where she could be? I’ve tried her place but she’s not there.’’
“What do you want from her?’’
I glared at him and leaned closer to that douche’s face. The man was older than me, but apparently he had not qualm hitting on an eighteen year old girl. That didn’t sit well with me. “It’s none of your business.’’
He threw a rag over his shoulder and crossed his arms over his chest. He probably wanted to intimidate me, but I had at least ten pounds on him and I was beyond restless at this point. If he wanted to mess with me, I didn’t mind going back to my old teenage ways and mess up his face with my fists.
“It is if you’re trying to mess with that girl. I’m asking again, what do you want from her?’’
“Oh please, stop that shit you two,’’ Elena, one of the waitresses cut in with an eye roll. She was a couple of years younger, but even when we were in high school together we never really hung out. She pushed the bartender out of the away and she started pouring beer on tap into a pitcher. “She’s not coming back here today. I don’t think anyone here knows where she is to be honest. Do you want her number?’’
I sighed and finally unclenched my fists. I nibbled on my lip ring and shook my head. “I already have it. Thank you though.’’ I pushed away from the bar, but Elena called me back before I turned to leave.
“I don’t know what your intentions are with her, but be careful. She’s been hurt enough as it is.’’
I didn’t know what to say to that. Of course they were all protecting her, and I was glad to know she had people that had her back here, but it was also difficult. Years ago, I had been the one looking out for her, not these people. Now, they were protecting her from me.
My eyes fell on the dirty floor and I walked away. It should convince me to leave her alone, and stop this train wreck, but I couldn’t. I had to see her. I couldn’t stop myself, couldn’t stay away. Lena being here didn’t do jack. I still wanted Brooklyn. Well, I wanted to see her, at least.As if seeing her was all I truly wanted…
I grabbed my phone from my jeans and stared at it, unsure of what to write her. Calling was out of the question. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t trust myself right now. A text seemed
easier, safer.
My phone vibrated in my hands and my fucking heart betrayed me. But it wasn’t a text from her, it was from Lena. My fingers tightened around the damn thing and I cursed under my breath.
Where are you?
I unlocked my car and jumped in, quickly writing a text. But it wasn’t for Lena.
* * *
BROOKLYN
"Congrats, Ms. Powell," the realtor, Mrs. Kinley, told me after she gave me the keys of my new apartment, the key to my independence.
I beamed at her, trying to remain cool even though I was bursting with happiness. For the last year and a half, I'd been dreaming about the day I would be able to afford rent and that day had come even though I would have a hard time paying for food. I should have been more patient, but a few more weeks felt too long when everything was such a clusterfuck. I needed control over something.
"Thank you," I replied on the threshold of my simply furnished one bedroom apartment, one staircase above Nolan's mother. "And thank you for your help pushing for me with the landlord."
"He's my uncle and I know your boss. In a small town, it can be a curse, but I know you're very mature for an eighteen year old girl. I'm sure there will be no problem." She smiled sweetly at me and waved before her high heels clicked down the steps, leaving me alone.
The view held nothing special, but to me, it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. The trees were lush and gorgeous on the other side of the road running straight through our small town, the grass defining the limits of the parking lot was of a deep green, shining under the afternoon sun. Here, I wouldn't have to worry about coming back late after my shift at the bar, I wouldn't have to face my parents and the void they created around themselves.
"Brooklyn? What are you doing here, girl?" someone called me from below. I leaned forward against the railing and ignored the dizziness I felt as I looked down from the bannister.
Nolan's mother was there, protecting her eyes from the sun with one of her hands. I waved and shouted, “I’ll be right down!’’. I turned around and locked my place for the very first time. Pride filled me at being gutsy enough to make things happen and take my life into my own hands.
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