* * *
BROOKLYN
"Excuse me," I stopped a young nurse with a high ponytail. She slowed down and smiled at me with closed lip. She looked exhausted, but she was nice enough not to ignore me. "Do you know when Mrs. Bell will be in her room? I know they're running tests but..."
"She'll be back in an hour or so. You can go grab something to eat or drink if you want."
I thanked her and let her go back to her work as an older nurse was signaling her over down the hall. I sagged back on the uncomfortable chair in the cold waiting room where an older couple was silently waiting and a young woman sniffled while hugging a stuffed animal that belonged to a kid, maybe her kid.
It was a small hospital considering our town wasn't big, but it was still a hospital with its creepy factor and I was alone dealing with something tough. I was tired after my long shift today and cranky and afraid and I didn't know what to say if I called Nolan. It was such a mess.
I stood back up and walked down the hall toward a more secluded part of the hospital. Hopefully, nobody would mind me making a call here. I grabbed my phone in my brown leather handbag and fumbled to find Nolan's number.
After three excruciatingly long rings, his voice rumbled into my ear with cautiousness. "You're calling."
I wasn't expecting longing to hit me so viciously at such a time, but it did. I tightened my grip on my phone and looked around me. A doctor walked by, his focus solely on his clipboard.
"Listen, it has nothing to do with what happened. I was with your mother an hour ago and she wasn't feeling good. She started to cough badly so I called 911. They put her on oxygen, which seemed to help."
I could hear him breathing, but that was all. But then I heard movement, the faint sound of his clothes. "Where are you? At the hospital?"
"Yes. She won't be back to her room for an hour still. You should come, Nolan. It's getting worse and even if there's shit going on in your head about your past, you can't lose that precious time."
"Don't push me around. You know it's hard for me."
I leaned against the immaculate wall. He was so stubborn sometimes. "Whatever. I'm staying." And I hung up without waiting for his next excuse. He had to man up and fast if he didn't want to live the rest of his life with the worst regret of his life.
I walked back to the nurse’s desk where another one was filling out some forms. She looked up with a frown marring her middle aged face too wrinkled around the scowl of her mouth. She didn't ask me what I wanted, just waited for me to open my mouth. Cheery woman.
"Could you tell me where I could grab a coffee?"
She pointed down the other side of the hall without a word before she focused again on her files. That woman was not one I wanted to face again or I would find myself being as disagreeable as she was.
I turned around and went on my way grabbing a few bucks from my wallet to feed the machine. After a minute, I walked back to the waiting room with my coffee in hand. Of course, it tasted awful, but the warmth was welcomed. I felt so cold. It must be the nerves.
The woman with the stuffed animal wasn't there anymore, but the elderly couple were still there talking in hushed voice. The only time I was sent to the hospital was when I broke my arm when I was seven. I hadn't been in here long, but it had been enough to make me fearful of everything medical. The smell, the people, the overall sadness... It was too much for me. And today was no exception as I was waiting for news, knowing that no matter what, Mrs. Bell would die not long from now. I sipped the last drop of my tasteless coffee but was startled when someone put their hand on me, a huge and warm hand I knew very well.
"You're still here?" he asked me softly. He knelt in front of me, bringing his face to the same level as mine. His eyes were sad and lost. "You didn’t need to wait."
I shrugged and looked over his shoulder and frowned. His girlfriend was here, scowling at me, ruining her sophisticated good look. "I couldn't leave her alone." I shook my head and looked back at him, trying to forget that he brought her here. I shouldn't have been surprised, though. After all, you're supposed to share crappy things with the person you're with too. They should be there to support you.
"Thank you" he said and he meant it. His hand retreated and he stood up. I followed and nodded at his girlfriend but she didn't return it. She was older than me and yet, I was showing more maturity than her. Crazy bitch. "Where's her room?"
"I don't know yet. They're supposed to come here once they're finished with the tests. The doctor will tell you then." I shouldered my handbag and put my phone in my purse.
"Wait," he stopped me and grabbed my wrist before I could walk away. "You're not leaving, are you?"
I glanced quickly at his girlfriend whose scowl got even more pronounced. "You're not alone, don't worry. Just update me on her status and I'll stop by tomorrow to see her."
I pulled away and when I walked past her, she sneered at me. I looked back at Nolan and this time he saw it. He narrowed his eyes on her, but I shrugged it off. It wasn't important right now.
"I'll take care of him," she whispered snidely for only me to hear and I faltered a little bit at the underlying meaning, but I didn't give her the satisfaction of letting it show how hurt I was. I didn't want to fight and I wouldn’t. I played my part and he knew my feelings for him. The ball was in his court.
* * *
NOLAN
As soon as Brooklyn disappeared from view, I narrowed my eyes on Lena again. She’s frowning at me. I shouldn’t feel like defending and taking Brooklyn’s side, but fuck! Brooklyn didn’t deserve any shit coming from Lena. I should be the one Lena was angry at.
“It’s not Brooklyn’s fault if we have issues, Lena.’’
She scoffed at me and sat at the first available chair in the waiting room. Her expensive purse fell at her feet and she crossed her tiny arms. “It’s funny because since she’s back in your life it’s been worse between us.’’
I sighed and sat next to her, my teeth tugging nervously on my lip ring. “Let’s be honest, Lena.’’ She turned to me, her eyes losing their sharp edge. “The last two months have been strained.’’
She looked away and shook her head, slowly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nolan. I just want us to go home.’’
I focused on the to-ings and fro-ings of doctors and nurses further down the hall, unsure of what to expect. Everything was such a mess. I briefly closed my eyes and a kaleidoscope of images popped behind my eyelids. Brooklyn, my mother, Lena, the book I didn’t seem able to finish…
I put my elbows on my thighs and covered my head with my hands. “Lena…’’
“What?’’ The hesitation in her tiny voice gave me pause.
“Nothing.’’ I shook my head and sat up. When Brooklyn called I was about to tell Lena everything that had happened, but now…We’re in the fucking hospital and about to see my dying mother. I swallowed thickly at the thought of facing her again. The last time I talked to her was still etched in my mind, painful. Just the mention of her was painful, really.
“Mr. Bell?’’
I stood up and came face to face with a doctor, probably the one in charge of my mother. He seemed to be in his fifties with his average build, the discreet wrinkles around his eyes and greying hair.
“Yes. Do you have any news?’’
He frowned behind his thick glasses as he read again his clipboard. “Mrs. Bell is sedated, but her vitals are better. Her oxygen level in her blood is slowly rising over ninety percent. Her blood-pressure is still low right now, but it’s understandable considering her medication.’’
“She’s not…not…’’
The doctor smiled sadly and I wanted to punch him. I didn’t need his pity, didn’t need his faux concern. I didn’t even know what I was doing here!
“The episode is over now. She’ll be better tomorrow, but I think her exhaustion and overall weakness are not to be overlooked.’’
Lena put one of her dainty hands on my arm and I tensed. I
didn’t want to feel her comfort. She didn’t understand a fucking thing. She didn’t know what my mother did to me. She never even knew what kind of upbringing I had had up until a few days ago. I should have told her everything when it started to get serious between us, but I’d always kept my past life private.
I cleared my throat. “I see. Can I see her?’’
He nodded. “Of course, Mr. Bell. You can visit for a few minutes, but as I said, she’s asleep.’’ He gave me her room number and walked away after a stiff nod.
“Wait for me here, Lena. It won’t take long.’’
“What? Nolan, I’ve been waiting with you.’’
I glared at her, feeling my scowl deepening. “My mother is dying here, Lena! Give me some space!’’
She recoiled, her eyes sending daggers. “There’s something seriously wrong with you, Nolan. I don’t know if it’s that Brooklyn or being here in Riverdale, but you’re an asshole.’’
She turned around and walked away and I didn’t even ask her where she was going or how she would go back to the hotel. She wasn’t the one I needed here and I was too much of a mess to care about anything else. Everything was falling apart and me too.
* * *
BROOKLYN
Knocks at the door and then on the window next to the front door woke me up from my weird dream in which I was looking at Nolan's back, never able to see his face. I blinked in the dark and turned to my left side. I squinted at the alarm clock. It was two in the morning! What the Hell!
A new round of knocks startled me. They were louder this time, almost desperate. I pushed the thin cover off my body and stood up. Dizzy with sleep, I padded out of my small bedroom and past the living room to open the door slightly, peeking to see who could be crazy enough to be knocking at my door at two in the morning.
"I need to see you. Please," Nolan asked me brokenly as soon as I turned the doorknob.
Without thinking or questioning my sanity, I let him in. He looked like hell. Dark rings under his bright hazel eyes gave him a haunted look, his forehead was marred with worry lines and his mouth wasn't its seductive bow I could spend hours thinking about. No, instead his mouth was set in a straight line. His stubble was darker too and his hair was a mess, not calculated this time. He had the same clothes on and his tee-shirt was wrinkled everywhere.
He leaned against the closed front door and closed his eyes. I waited without a sound, without saying a word. He needed some comfort and I wouldn't push him away, not when I had a good idea of what kind of a mess his head must be right now. His mother had always been his sore spot, and now that he was confronted with both her and losing her...I couldn't imagine what it must be like for him.
"They gave her something to sleep when they finished their tests. She was asleep when I saw her." His voice was raw and underneath it all, I heard how lost he felt. But why did he come to find me? He was with his girlfriend when I left, she should be the one holding him now that he needed it.
"It's for the best. She was very tired when I came back from work yesterday. She needs to rest to get better."
His eyes snapped open and he scoffed. "Get better? Don't tell me you believe that shit."
"I mean better to go back home. I'm not an idiot, I saw how bad she already is,’’ I replied evenly, trying to not show any sign of anger or aggravation. I had to keep in mind that he wasn't feeling good and it had nothing to do with me...or us.
"I'm sorry," he said in a sigh. His shoulders hunched over and his eyes looked away into the darkness of the apartment only lit by the moon. I had yet to buy curtains, but if I wanted to eat this month, it would have to wait a little. "Here I am, coming to you in the middle of the night and I lash out at you."
"It's okay, I understand." I fidgeted some while silence settled between us. "Do you want something to drink?"
"You're underage so I bet you don't have a stiff drink," he said with a forced smile. It did nothing to soften the worry lines on his face and it made me hurt.
"I don't think that getting wasted here would be such a good idea anyway," I pointed out with a shaky laugh, trying to keep the images of us kissing at bay, of his pushing me against the wall.
He walked to the couch and sat heavily. He put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Seeing him that way made me want to hug him, but I didn't dare to. I padded to the other side of the couch and sat, careful to keep a respectable space between us. Just to be sure that I wouldn't do something I'd regret.
"I thought you'd never want to open your door for me with the way you left the hospital," he mumbled into his hands, his voice muffled by his palms.
"You can count on me, you know that."
He straightened and his eyes bore a hole into me. I shivered and cursed at myself for not wearing something that would cover me more. I was only in a light grey-blue tank top and a black shorts. I was very aware of the amount of skin I was showing.
"But you left." His fingers clenched in his hair.
"Because you weren't alone. It was easier."
"Easier for you."
I nodded. "Yeah, for me. I will always look out for you in one way or another, but I have to look out for me too. I'm not a martyr, Nolan, so when it hurts too much, I step away." I played with the end of a few strands of red locks, entwining them between my fingers. Nolan followed the move, his Adam's apple bobbing as he slowly lowered his gaze, caressing every inch of bare skin. I felt it molten my bones and it scared me. This intensity while everything was unresolved scared me to no end and I hated that.
"I didn't want to hurt you, but when you called, we were talking."
"Don't apologize because you brought your girlfriend to the hospital. It's perfectly understandable."
"But she was awful to you when you helped my mom. She shouldn't have and I'm sorry." He was pleading with his eyes for me to understand and even if a part of me understood, the bigger part resented him and her. But I hid it.
"Stop it. She's being a bitch to me because she feels threatened or something. It's ridiculous, though. Right?" I shouldn't ask something like that, fishing for something when I shouldn't be so focused on this.
"Not so much," he answered quietly.
My breathing stalled and a boulder appeared in my throat. My skin pebbled and heated while my heart pumped more and more blood, always faster and faster, making me even dizzier than I already was.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not sure, Brooklyn, but I want you and I can't shake it off."
While my body hummed in approval, my heart squeezed painfully in my chest. Resuming what happened between us in such a way was not easy for me to hear. I put myself whole on display, without restriction, ready to be hurt and scarred, but it didn’t seem like enough.
"That's all you want? Sex?"
He shook his head and cleared his throat before he fidgeted with the hem of his tee-shirt. "I don't know. When I left New York I had a sweet girlfriend and I was happy with her, starting to make plans for the future while working on my next book. It had been a little strained, but nothing I couldn’t handle. And now...now everything is upside down."
"Did you want to move in with her or propose to her?" My heart was beating slower now, but I felt every heartbeat in every cells of my being. Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump.
Unwavering because he wasn't one to elude the answers, he kept his eyes on me. "Yes to both."
It's funny how you think your heart couldn’t be more broken up, but ended up more shredded than before. I'd never been hit by a car, but if I had to guess, I was pretty sure it wouldn't be more painful. And with the pain I was feeling, I couldn't take a pain reliever. I clenched my jaw and thanked my control over my feelings.
"Then focus on this, on your future with her. If you thought about it, it means that you love her deeply. Don't let your past hold you back or mess with your life. The past has to stay in the past."
"Life isn't that simple."
"It's not simple." I clasped my hands to
gether on my lap, entwining my fingers to try and find some comfort. "You should talk with your mother tomorrow and go back to your life in New York as soon as possible and everything will go back the way it's supposed to."
"And you? Us?"
"I'll be fine. My life is here." I took a deep breath, willing silently for my tears to wait for his departure before they fell. "As for us, there is no us, not really. We tried to catch up, I told you how I feel and that's all. I'm sure something could have been great between us, but we missed our chance. It happens."
"You shouldn't settle for less than you can expect or dream of, Brooklyn. You could study music at college and we could keep in touch."
"Just...drop it." I was so fucking tired of it all. Thinking about my future wasn't something I wanted on my plate right now. "I don't want to talk about my life or anything else. Go back to your girlfriend and talk with her. She's the one you truly want."
"How could you know? I kissed you, I got jealous thinking about you with someone else, I hated to see you with Mike... Fuck. What does it mean?"
"Nothing if you have a girlfriend. Or a weak moment if you really want to put a label on it."
"You're pushing me away when just yesterday you pulled me to you. Why?"
"I don't want to spend my life expecting something from you you can't give me. Life is too short. I’ve spent years hung up on you. Years, Nolan! I can't do this to myself anymore."
He nodded and tugged with his teeth on his lip ring. Without my consent, my eyes landed on it and my lips tingled. I forced myself to look away and at the front door.
"I guess I should go now," he said with finality, sadness pouring through his words and soothing slightly my wounded heart. At least, even if it was nothing compared to what he felt for his girlfriend, he did feel sad for letting go. He stood up and walked back to the door, slowly, maybe waiting for me to stop him, but I didn't. Oh! I wanted to, but I didn't. I gave him an exit and he took it. I wouldn't be the only one fighting for us, for something to happen.
Six Years Page 15
