The ride home is more painful than I anticipated. By the time we reach the parking garage, I am throbbing all over and it must be written on my face. “They’ll be here soon with your pain medicine, baby girl,” Blade assures me as he lifts me from the vehicle and sits me in the wheelchair.
“I wanna try to get past this and not take the pain medication,” I insist.
“We’ll get you inside and see how it goes,” he agrees. As we approach the door of the apartment, it hits me. Holy shit, this place is still a disaster area. I haven’t been back since it was ransacked. Fuck!
“It’s okay. You’ll see,” he smiles as he puts the key in the door. He always seems to know what I’m thinking. I close my eyes in dread and don’t open them again until we’re through the door way. What the fuck! It’s exactly the way it was before it was torn apart. All the shit that was broken has been replaced with exact replicas and everything is perfectly in place. I’m shocked as I give Blade a questioning look. “My team is really good, baby girl,” he smiles.
“Thank you,” I whisper and he kisses my forehead before he wheels me into the bedroom.
“I don’t wanna lie down yet. Dr. Griffin said I could sit in a tub of water that hits me at about the hips, that way the incision doesn’t get wet,” I insist. I’m so dirty and grimy that I can’t stand myself any longer.
“I’ll start the water and help you,” Blade says as he heads for the bathroom.
When he’s out of ear shot, Donna questions me, “Are you okay with this, Sher? If not, I’ll be more than happy to help you.” I assure her that it’s fine. I know telling him no will only cause a problem and I don’t have the energy to deal with it. “Okay, if you’re sure then while you’re bathing, I’m gonna fix you something to eat.” I nod in agreement.
Blade returns and wheels me into the bathroom. “I’ll help you undress,” he offers.
“I can do it,” I protest as I stand up out of the chair. I begin to undress but start feeling very awkward, almost embarrassed. I grab a towel, holding it around me while I fight my way out of my clothes.
Blade steps closer, “You don’t trust me anymore, do you?” Tears begin to well in my eyes as I lower my head and look at my feet. “Look at me please,” he whispers as he raises my chin with his fingers. “I’m so sorry. I promise, if you give me the chance, you will trust me again,” he almost pleads. He leans in, kissing me softly on the lips then he wipes my tears.
He lifts me into the tub, “Will you let me help you wash your hair, please?” I really don’t see any way around it because I’m sure I can’t do it myself. I lift the towel so that it won’t touch the water but will still be covering my breast and the incision. I ease down into the tub as I agree to let him wash my hair. The water feels wonderful, washing away all the dirt and sludge left from the chaos.
Blade lifts me back out of the tub and begins drying me. When he’s finished, I ask him to leave the room so I can get dressed. He’s hurt, I can see it in his eyes but I just can bring myself to drop the towel in front of him. When I’m finished, I walk out into the bedroom where Blade rushes over and picks me up. “I am capable of walking. As a matter of fact, Dr. Griffin wants me to walk,” I growl.
“You’ve been through a lot today. We’ll walk tomorrow,” he puts me on the bed.
He retrieves a brush from my make-up table and begins brushing my hair. I close my eyes, day dreaming back to the first day at his house when he did this. How could something that felt so close and intimate then seem so intrusive now? Donna and Styx enter with soup and sandwiches just before I say something that would have probably been very hurtful to Blade. We all sit on my bed and enjoy lunch. As Donna is gathering everything to take back to the kitchen, Mother and Carter arrive.
Although I’ve really tried to endure the pain, it’s beginning to be too much. I really don’t like the thought of pain meds while I’m pregnant so I break one and only take half. All the Kentuckians are flying back home tonight so they say their good byes. There’s lots of love and tears exchanged. “I’ll be back before ya know it,” Donna whispers as she hugs me tight. The medication is taking over now and I feel a little strange. As soon as they’re out the door, I get comfortable in the bed and sleep takes me.
The next week passes quickly. I sleep a lot, walk around the apartment as much as I can manage and spend long periods sitting on the balcony, drinking in the sunshine. Blade doesn’t push any issues so we don’t really talk much. I’m really okay with that because I don’t have anything else to say. I figure he has finally accepted things for what they are and is just waiting for Donna to return so he can resume his normal life. He has, however, slept in the bed with me every night. There’s no cuddling or intimacy. We don’t touch at all.
I’m sitting on the balcony stressing over the fact that Donna has disrupted her whole life for me. She’s due to be back here tomorrow and as much as I will love it, I feel so guilty. The doorbell rings bringing me out of my thoughts. As I amble into the living room, I hear Blade arguing with a female…Fuck!! That fucking Bridgette is here!! Who the hell does she think she is?! I head for the door as quickly as I can. “What the fuck do you want?” I shout as I come up behind Blade.
“She doesn’t want anything. She leaving now,” Blade pushes her toward the door.
“Wait, please. Sheridan, I need to talk to you, please,” she pleads.
“What could you possibly want to talk to me about, you motherfucking whore,” I blast.
“I deserve that,” she looks at the floor and I almost think she’s sincere. “I owe you a huge apology and the truth,” she persists. The truth? Well, here’s my opportunity to get some real answers about that night. I don’t believe a word Blade says so I’ll get my answers from the whore.
“Let her go, Blade. I wanna hear what she has to say,” I insist. He turns her loose, we all walk out onto the balcony and take a seat. “Go ahead. I don’t plan on sitting here all day like we’re best friends,” I smart.
She inhales deeply, “The pictures I sent you, they weren’t what they looked like. I ran into Blade at the bar that night and hit him up. He flat out turned me down then headed for the restroom. I’m sure he was hoping I would be gone when he got back but instead, I ordered him another drink and mixed in a sleeping pill. He finished his drink, started feeling loopy so I lead him to my car and took him to my apartment.”
Oh no! He’s been telling me the truth this whole time. “By the time I got him in the door, he was almost out of it so I lead him to the bed where he passed out. I undressed him, put on lingerie and posed us in those positions to take the pictures. If you look closely, you never really see his eyes because they’re closed,” she explains further.
“You stupid bitch! Why the hell would you do this? What the hell did I ever do to you to deserve that,” I storm as I stand up, reach back and slap the shit out of her. Silence…total silence.
She raises her hand, rubbing the side of her face, “I deserve that too.”
I sit back in my seat, trying to calm down. “I felt like I was losing him to you. I thought if I could just run you off,” she pauses. “But the truth is, he was never mine to lose. Blade never felt that way about me and I hadn’t accepted it yet. When he got the call the next morning about you being kidnapped, I knew then that he loved you. He was so distraught and scared. I knew I had really fucked up,” she confesses further. “I want to apologize to you. You didn’t deserve the shit I pulled and I’m very sorry,” she sincerely apologizes.
I’m calmer now, “I appreciate the apology and the truth but that doesn’t excuse what you did. The best thing you can do is go away and stay away. If you get involved in our lives in anyway, I promise I will tear you from limb to limb.”
She nods an affirming nod, “I completely understand. I would feel the same way. You won’t hear from me again, I promise.” She rises to leave as Blade and I follow her out. When she reaches the door, she turns to face us. “I wish you both all the love in the world,�
�� she says and walks out the door.
Blade and I stand in silence forever and a day. “Come on, we need to get you back into to bed,” he reaches down and picks me up.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper in his ear.
He kisses my cheek before placing me on the bed. “I’m just glad you know the truth. I never would have dreamed she would come here but I’m glad she did. You never would have believed it if she hadn’t,” he says sweetly as he crawls in beside me.
I don’t know why but I feel ashamed of myself for not believing Blade. By no means does this fix everything but at least I know he didn’t sleep with her. That was breaking my heart beyond belief. It had become easier not to deal with him than to feel that pain. The relief of knowing the truth brings a peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. I still don’t know him, I still don’t believe he loves me but at least I can respect him again.
CHAPTER 17
Relinquish
Donna and Styx have been here a little over a week now but Blade still hasn’t offered to leave. I can tell she’s becoming more and more agitated with him so I’m glad he has decided to return to work tomorrow. At least then he will be away during the day, which will give her a chance to breathe. It’s not necessary for him to be here anymore but I’m trying not to hurt him. I really put him through the wringer on the Bridgette thing. I’ve decided that when he gets in from work tomorrow, we have to have a talk about him going home.
The morning sun wakes me. I stretch and finally pry my eyes open. I realize Blade has already left for work but there’s a sheet of paper and a book lying on his pillow. I figure he must have left something out of his briefcase but when I pick it up and begin to read, I’m shocked. It’s for me.
Baby girl,
I understand that it’s hard for you to talk to me right now. It just seems to bring up too many emotions. I know I’ve been a jackass but I promise I am a jackass who loves you with all his heart.
I reacted poorly when you told me that you love me and I’m sorry for that. My reaction wasn’t because I didn’t love you, it came from fear. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. The last person I ever loved was my mother. When she died, I closed that part of myself off and never allowed it to be touched again.
Then, you happened. The most amazing, gorgeous, caring person I have ever known was in my life and I didn’t have a clue how to handle it. You brought hope back into my life and I hadn’t had that in years. You inspire me, you bring me joy and I can’t bare the thoughts of being without you.
I know you say you don’t know me and I think it’s time we fix that. I fear that when you know all of me, you won’t love me anymore. But, that’s a chance I have to take or I may lose you forever. It’s a risk either way so I have to try.
Over the next few days, you will get to read about all the things I’ve kept from you….a diary about my life, if you will. Please try to keep an open mind and remember who I am today. If you have questions, please ask them. I’m willing to give you anything you need to work through this.
There is a WE. There will always be a WE. I always tell you that you’re mine when the truth is, I’m yours. You own my heart now and that will never change, no matter what your decision is.
I hope you enjoy getting to know me and I hope it doesn’t completely run you away.
With all my love,
Blade
Holy fuck….holy motherfuck!! I never expected this. I’m absolutely taken back. I sit, staring at the pages and fear overwhelms me. What could be so bad about his past that it scares him to tell me? Do I really want to know? Do I have the right to know? I’m truly lost. I still love this man with every fiber of my being even though I can’t accept any more secrets. I lay back, pondering ….. Will this destroy us? Am I asking for too much? I can’t wrap my head around this right now. I doze back off as all the ramifications are running through my head.
When I wake again, the letter and book are still there, staring me in the face. Donna knocks on the door before she enters with a tray full of breakfast. “You okay, Sher? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” I hand her the letter and begin to eat as she reads. “Wow…..uhhh, just wow. I don’t know what else to say,” she looks bewildered. “Have ya read the rest?”
“No. It makes me nervous,” I reply.
“If you want him in your life, ya have to work through all of this. It looks like he’s willing to, now you just have to decide if you’re willing too,” she gives me a sympathetic look. I nod in confirmation and then she leaves the room. I finish my breakfast, take my tray to the kitchen and thank Donna for everything she’s doing. “Psst…think nothing of it. This just puts you on the hook to take care of me when I get kidnapped, shot and knocked up all in a matter of days,” she giggles.
I bust out laughing a hard belly laugh. “Oh shit, don’t make me laugh,” I grasp my chest. I haven’t laughed that hard in weeks and it’s a wonderful release. “I’ll be on the balcony if you need me,” I say as I get my laughing under control and head out with the letter and book.
I read the letter again, looking for any clue as to what the pages of the journal may hold. It reveals nothing so I take a deep breath and open the cover of the book. The first page reads:
MY BEGINNING
I was born Damien Hawthorne on January 1, 1987 to Madison (Maddie) Hawthorne. Maddie was seventeen years old and unwed when she got pregnant with me. That’s right, I was a bastard child. Maddie was a beautiful woman. Her long raven hair trimmed her petite face and her cyan eyes shined like new money. She never saw a stranger and she was kind to everyone.
Her family disowned her and kicked her out of the house when they found out about me. She was completely alone. Even with all this, she used to tell me that I was an angel that God had sent to save her.
Maddie lived in a shelter for most of her pregnancy, where they helped her finish her high school education, get a waitressing job and acquire a small apartment. When she told me stories about this time in her life, she would have a twinkle in her eye that let me know she felt like she had the world by the tail. She said even though she had no one, she had everything because I was with her, even then.
Maddie went into labor about a month too early. There were some complications so a C-section was performed. She said the pain afterward was horrible and this is where she first encountered pain medication. Little did she know, the pain from having her “angel” would be the very thing that led to her demise. As far back as I can remember, Maddie’s life was always spent on a journey trying to find the next pain pill.
When I was very young, it wasn’t so bad. Her addiction hadn’t claimed her completely yet, so she was still functioning. She was working some low paying job that would barely get us through. While she worked, I would be with some neighbor or daycare, until she couldn’t pay for my care again. When this would happen, she would have to miss a few days of work and would end up losing her job. But, she didn’t give up. She would pick herself up and find that next job.
We spent lots of days hungry and some of them homeless. When we did have a place to live, it was always a tiny, roach and rat infested hole. Our furniture, when we had furniture, was items that people sat out for the trash. Maddie would bring something in and clean it up the best she could. She was always so proud of her treasures.
When I turned seven, she said I was old enough to stay home alone while she worked at night. If she didn’t have to pay childcare, maybe we could keep our apartment and not have to move again. While the apartment wasn’t much and was in a really bad part of town, it was still better than sleeping in some alley way. I knew she was counting on me so I never told her how terrified I was when she left at night.
As soon as she was out the door, I would grab a blanket, pillow and flashlight and hide in my closet the rest of the night. The noises from the street couldn’t be heard in there, it was my safe haven. I always made sure to be back in my bed before Maddie came home so she wouldn’t know.
On
e morning, Maddie didn’t come home. I thought she had forgotten me but I was too scared to leave the apartment. The only food in the house was a loaf of bread that had started to mold. For two days, I picked mold off the bread and ate the good parts. I had water from the faucet so at least I wasn’t thirsty.
On the third day, I was sure she wasn’t coming back. There was no more bread and I was hungry. I spent the morning working up the nerve to venture out of the apartment to try to find something to eat. As I closed the door behind me, Maddie was coming up the stairs. The morning she didn’t return home, she had been arrested for stealing food, from one of the local markets, to bring home for me. She hadn’t forgotten me, she had been in jail.
I stop reading and look out over the skyline. The image of a little boy, hungry and scared, runs through my head as my tears begin to fall. I can’t believe what I’m reading. Poor little Blade. To look at him now, you would never know his life began this way. He’s always so strong and has everything under control. Then anger begins to rise in me…How the hell could a mother put her child through this?! I’m ashamed of the way I’ve felt so deprived of my mother’s love. She never left me alone, I was never hungry or scared. Poor little Blade. Part of me doesn’t want to know more but the other part knows I have to keep reading.
By the time I was eight, Maddie’s pill addiction was escalating. Even without childcare, she was having trouble paying the bills. I was glad for school days, they got me out of the chaos for a while. Even though I never fit in at school, at least I got to eat there. The other kids weren’t kind to me. I was made fun of a lot, for my ragged clothes or the holes in my shoes. I never made any friends because I just tried to stay away from everyone. It was easier that way.
Broken In Pieces: Billionaire Stepbrother Romance (Wounded Hearts Book 1) Page 17
