* * *
The Evergreen town pool was tucked away off Main Street. After she left Awilda’s house, Bea had about ten minutes before she had to get out of the car to sign her children out for the day. There was one banana left in her bag and she nibbled on it, feeling hot and anxious. Her due date was three weeks away and she honestly wished the baby would come now. That would make what she was going through less complicated. And she was doing a horrible job of taking care of Mena’s baby. She didn’t want the banana; she craved hot dogs with relish, cheese pizza, and a bag of chocolate-chip cookies. Bea sat on her hands and tried to breathe the sensation away.
Get your thoughts under control, she chided to herself. Her affirmation notebook wasn’t in her purse so Bea opened the door and got out of the car. Walking helped. Another tool for fighting the urge was to focus on her children. When she made her way beyond the gates of the pool, Alana was in a group doing arts and crafts.
“Mommy.” She dropped her markers and threw her arms around Bea’s waist. Her hands couldn’t touch.
“Hey, sweetie.” She pushed Alana’s hair out of her face, nodded to the teenage counselor, and helped Alana gather her things. They held hands on their stroll around the pool looking for Chico. He was on the diving board.
“Mom, watch,” he shouted and then ran and dove into the pool. Bea was impressed. She could swim but never got up the nerve to dive.
“Guess what?” said Alana.
“What?”
“I stayed underwater for ten seconds.”
“Nice.”
“Hudson was scared. She wouldn’t even put her head in. I told her it was easy. It was easy for me.” She shrugged her shoulders. Alana wanted to be a big girl so badly that it was comical. Bea was constantly reminding her to enjoy being five but life was moving too slowly for Alana. She always wanted more, now, faster, higher. Bea hoped those qualities would make her a go-getter in the real world. She hoped that Alana wouldn’t end up like her.
Chico dripped his water all over both of them.
“Man, son.” Bea wiped her hand on her shorts.
He grinned. “Did you see that dive, Mama? I’ve been practicing it all day. Coach said that I am the fastest at freestyle on the team.”
“Wonderful, dear. Let’s go.”
“Can we stay? Please, all my friends stay after camp.”
Bea looked past Chico to the grassy area, noting that the beautiful mothers had already stripped down into their bikinis (Bea couldn’t remember the last time she’d worn one of those) and instead of rushing home after camp to prepare dinner, they relaxed, tanned, flipped through magazines, and giggled to each other over God knows what was in those adult sip cups. Bea didn’t see anyone she would want to giggle with even if she wasn’t fat and pregnant. Standing in her black shorts and too-tight T-shirt, she suddenly felt like a whale on display for all to see.
“No, baby. We have to go.”
“Why?” he pleaded. “It’s too hot to go home.”
“Maybe another day. Promise.”
Chico stomped off in front of her. Bea thought about how the one time she had stomped her feet in her mother’s house, her mother had grabbed her heels in the air and slapped the soles of her feet until Bea pleaded for mercy. In comparison, Chico got away with murder and Bea didn’t have enough chutzpah to do more.
* * *
Three weeks of pregnancy dwindled to two and then Bea was down to one. She had decided to play the complacent wife until after the baby was born. The additional stress of confronting Lonnie was too much for her to deal with right now. In the back of her mind she knew that the longer she waited the easier it would be for him to make it go away but still she knew it was best to hold off. Bea would deal with the holes in her marriage after Mena’s baby was born healthy and strong. Keeping her food down was hard enough. She had purged almost every single day since D.C., constantly fearing the effects that it would have on Mena’s baby, but her addiction was out of control. If she could stop she would.
At their thirty-nine-week appointment, the radiation treatments had Mena feeling too weak to come with Bea.
“I’m pushing myself to just rest it out so that when the baby comes, I’m ready,” Mena told Bea over the telephone and so Clark came by himself. He was awkward without Mena. When the rotating doctor closed his clipboard and told Bea to expect the baby any day, Clark’s face was wet and his eyes filled with emotion.
“The proud papa.” The doctor patted him on the back.
“Yes.”
“Well, your baby will be here soon enough. Please give Mena my best and tell her to get ready.”
The doctor left and Clark tried to pull himself together.
“What is it?”
“Mena wanted so much to be able to go through this whole process with you. To feel connected, you know? Damn cancer. Why does it have to be her? She doesn’t deserve this. Not now. All she wants in the world is to be a mother.” He wept openly, and Bea slid to the edge of the examining table and put her arms around him, pushing him closer to his baby.
“Clark, it’s going to be okay. Mena will be okay. You two are about to be parents and everything else will become a distant memory.”
“I know.”
“You have to believe it. If you believe it then Mena will too.”
“Thanks, Bea. You’re such a good person.”
If he only knew.
Lonnie called just as she got into her car.
“Babe, I’m not going to make it to practice today.”
“It’s not practice, Lonnie. It’s an away game in Kenilworth,” she snapped.
“Can’t do it.”
Dread tinged with hatred swept through her. “You have to. You’re the coach.”
“I got called to do a presentation at the office in Tarrytown. I have to head up there now.”
“Call the other coaches.”
“I did. But they want you to come sit in the dugout. They don’t have enough coaches today. Regulations.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I’m sorry to ask.”
“You should be.”
“I know, baby.”
“I’m not doing it.”
“Come on, Bea.”
“You’re crazy. I’m a few seconds away from giving birth. I’m not sitting on a hard bench with a bunch of fifth grade boys. And risk getting hit by a ball? Are you even thinking about what you’re asking?”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Fucking figure it out.”
“Whoa.”
“Show up when you say you are and stop relying on me for everything.” Bea hung up the phone. She turned the ringer off and dropped it in her purse.
Exhale, she reminded herself. Don’t get upset. What you feel the baby feels. But she was pissed. The nerve. How could he not put Chico’s needs first?
It wasn’t until she reached home that she realized half of her outrage came from not knowing if he was telling the truth. She pulled a bowl of grapes from the refrigerator and used calling Awilda as a tactic to not overeat.
“Whatcha been up to?”
“Girl, working out, making clothes, anything to keep my mind off of my summer gig. Have I mentioned how much I hate it? Half the kids come to school in their pajamas and only a handful even remember to bring their books. Three days left and I am free. Last week of August is all mine before I head back to my own school. Never thought I’d say it but I’ve missed that place.”
“That’s good.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t tell me nothing, I can hear it in your voice.”
“Lonnie just called to say he couldn’t make Chico’s game. He’s the freakin’ coach.”
Bea could hear Awilda slurping a soda. “What was his excuse?”
“Meeting in Tarrytown. He had the nerve to ask me to sit in the dugout for him. In my condition.”
“That’s a good idea.” Awil
da snickered.
“That’s a terrible idea. I don’t know the first thing about baseball and even if I did, I’m about to pop, Awilda. The baby is coming any minute.”
“Okay, don’t get your panties all in a bunch, I’m not the problem.”
Bea pushed her palms against her eyes. “Plus, I’m not even sure if he’s telling the truth.” She hesitated and then let it drop. “I found something on his phone. Messages between him and a woman.”
“Oh, Beasley. Are you serious?”
“He’s never home. And why should he be? I’m fat, gross, and ugly. I’m so swollen that it’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. What was I thinking, carrying this baby for Mena?”
“Oh, Bea, stop it. You’re doing the right thing for Mena. You will get through all of this.”
“Can you come over? I could use your energy.”
Awilda burped.
“Yuck, Wilde.”
“Excuse me. I can’t, sweetie. Not tonight. I have a dress that I’m making and the woman is coming by tomorrow. I’m so behind on it.”
“You can sew over here.”
“Girl, it’s too much to lug. I’ll try to stop by tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Bea whined.
“Cheer up, sweetie. The baby needs you to be positive.”
Bea hung up the phone, knowing that Awilda was right, but all she could think to do to distract herself was to eat. So she did.
FIFTEEN
Forced
Bea had birthed two children and never failed at pushing a baby out with ten fingers and toes and a steady heartbeat. With Alana, she was already in the hospital and was mostly drugged but she still got her out. Chico, she went completely natural with both a doula and a midwife. Now, Bea was on the kitchen floor doubled over in pain as a contraction ripped through her belly. In her hand was her cell phone. She dialed Lonnie’s office. When his assistant picked up she tried to keep her voice even and pain free but her worlds came out constipated.
“Is … Alonzo … in?”
“No, ma’am. He asked me to clear his appointments. He’s out for the whole day.”
“Out where?”
“Um, let me check.” She put Bea on hold. A contraction ran through her.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Colon, I’m not really sure.”
“Thanks.” She hung up the phone, her mind wrapped around her husband being AWOL. Then another sharp pain ripped through her body. It felt like she was climbing up a mountain and then when she finally made it to the top, she slid down on her butt back to the rocky bottom. Once the pain subsided, she called Awilda. Voice mail. Bea would call her mother but Irma didn’t drive, and 911 would mean she would be handled by strangers. The pain hit again. Climb the mountain, look out at the countryside, slide down on her butt again. She texted Lonnie. Her cell phone rang.
“Hell … hello.”
“Bea, are you all right?”
It was Mena.
“I’m…” The pain hit her so hard she bit down on her tongue until she tasted salt.
“Are you in labor?”
“Yes.”
“Are you alone?”
Breath. “Yes. Come. Get me.”
“We’re on our way. Stay on the phone with me.”
Bea shrieked. “Kitchen floor. I’ll unlock the back door. Just come in.” Bea had gotten into the habit of locking her back door. The man who’d broken in and beaten her neighbor silly was still on the loose. They had a picture of him, had flashed it everywhere, but the only thing it did was instill more fear of black men in her community.
Mena lived ten minutes west, in an even more posh suburb than Evergreen. By the time she and Clark burst through Bea’s back door, her water had broken and dripped down her leg and onto the floor.
“Why didn’t you call nine-one-one?” Mena cried.
Bea breathed. She was in such a state that her teeth chattered. Talking required too much energy. Mena grabbed her favorite kitchen towel and started mopping Bea off.
“Bea, you’re bleeding.” Mena’s eyes widened. “Is that normal?”
“Yes,” Bea lied.
“Maybe we should call the ambulance?”
“Please, don’t.” The contraction ripped through her again. She doubled over until the pain passed. “I don’t want to cause a scene with the neighbors.”
“And I don’t want to put my baby at risk,” Mena shot back.
“And you think I do?” Bea replied, even though she had been purging for weeks.
Clark swooped in. Picked Bea up off the floor and started barking orders to Mena. “Bring some bottled water and grab a big bath towel that we can put under her in the car. Don’t worry, Bea, we’ll get you there.”
Bea insisted on walking down the driveway, and Mena was there to help her into the car.
“You want to wear your seat belt?”
“No.” Then Bea remembered. “My kids … someone needs to tell Joney.”
“I have her number, remember? I’ll call her. Don’t worry, Bea,” said Clark.
“Tell her to pick them up from the pool at three-thirty. Ask her to keep them until…” Her body started climbing the mountain again. It took her thoughts away.
“Bea, stop worrying. We’ve got it. You’ve gone over it a million times. Your kids will be safe. Let us get you to the hospital.”
Mena was right. Bea had prearranged with Joney, sent Joney an e-mail, and copied Mena, Clark, Awilda, and Lonnie so that everyone would be on the same page. But still, she needed reassurance that her children were cared for before she left.
“Clark, please just go knock on Joney’s door.”
“Okay.”
Mena had calmed a bit and did a good job of being brave. She had attended the birthing classes with Bea and did her part in the backseat to help Bea breathe through the discomfort.
Clark jumped behind the wheel. “Here, Joney told me to give you this. She said it would guide you through the birth.”
It was a crystal of some sort. Bea clutched it with her right hand, then leaned over the side, opened the car door, and threw up.
* * *
The hospital was not far but the ride was a rough one for Bea. When they pulled up to the Emergency Room, the attendant put her in a wheelchair and Mena joined her as she was rushed up to labor and delivery. Within minutes, Clark had finished parking the car and was by their side. Bea looked at him. Clark was a thoughtful husband to Mena. She was the lucky one.
“Can you try Lonnie again?” Bea had never delivered a baby without her husband by her side and she was scared. As soon as she got to the hospital they gave her Demerol intravenously to ease her pain. She could talk now without her teeth chattering but she still felt terrible.
“I left him another message, Bea. I’m sure he’ll be on his way soon.”
Bea turned her face. She hoped the children didn’t give Joney any problems. Had she remembered to tell Clark to lock her back door? Where was her husband?
“Hello there.” It was a woman obstetrician from the rotation, Dr. Garrison. Bea had only met her once and she wasn’t happy to see her.
“Where’s Dr. Spellman?”
“Attending another birth. Today is a busy day.”
“Can you call her?”
The doctor smiled at Bea. Then she pushed Bea’s hair off of her forehead. It felt loving, like a mother’s touch. Bea found herself relaxing instantly.
“Everything is going to be just fine, Beatrice,” said Dr. Garrison. “Here, sit up a little.” When Bea moved, she felt the baby slip down.
“Oh. Oh, I think it’s time.”
“Then let’s go to work,” said the doctor. She lifted the blanket around Bea’s waist and put her feet in the stirrups. Bea could hear Mena praying her rosary and wondered if Clark was still in the room. She knew he was. He wouldn’t leave Mena’s side.
Bea assumed having Mena’s baby would be easy since her body was open from having her own children. But with the Demerol wearing thin and her ref
usal of the epidural, the pain was prominent. She pushed for two hours and the baby only moved down an inch.
Where was Lonnie?
Bea was exhausted but the baby wouldn’t descend. Then she felt hot. Very hot all over, and a tingling, burning sensation wrapped around her like she had stumbled into a pit of coals and fire. Then code colors were being shouted from voices she didn’t recognize and doctors started to rush in. Bea felt herself drifting in a way that she couldn’t control. Then her head was spinning and then it all stopped.
* * *
Later, when Bea felt her presence return to the room, she felt heavy and drugged. Something wasn’t right with her body. Something had happened and Bea didn’t know what it was, but she was sure that it was the consequence of her actions. No bad deed went unpunished. She had lost control. Purged more times than she could count. How could she do that to Mena? To the baby? This pregnancy was supposed to be her redemption and she’d failed. Slowly, she opened her eyes. A nurse was standing over her with a flashlight, looking into her pupils.
“You okay?”
“No.”
“We had to do an emergency C-section. You had a mild placental abruption and we needed to get the baby out before she lost too much oxygen.”
“Is she okay?”
“The baby appears to be fine.”
Bea surprised herself by making the sign of the cross: touching her forehead, her heart, and crossing her chest the way her mother always did at the sign of any news.
“You’ll be fine too. I just need to check your vitals.”
“Where is my husband?”
The nurse looked startled. “There’s a couple out by the nursery. I can send for them if you like.”
Bea’s nose started to run. The tears welled and fell. In her family there was pride in pushing a baby out. Lonnie knew that a C-section would have been the very last option but he wasn’t there to ask questions. Bea had almost died and her husband was nowhere to be found.
And Then There Was Me Page 14
