by Lexi Blake
His face softened and he moved in close again. “Do what you want, Jules. Stop overthinking things and do what you want. You know where I am. If you want me, come and get me. I promise I won’t even stay over. You won’t have to kick me out in the morning.”
For a second she thought he was going to kiss her. She started to go up on her toes because when he kissed her, she didn’t think about anything but being with him. The world floated away and she needed that in the moment.
He stepped back. “I need to let the others back in or the ribs will dry out. Know that I would never affect your job. Whether or not you ever knock on my door again. I care about you. That doesn’t change because you can’t feel the same way about me. And be careful around the new cutting board. Those spikes are sharp as shit.”
She glanced down and saw what he was talking about. It was a modified cutting board. She’d seen them on the Internet, but this was like the Cadillac of one-handed friendly tools. “Why do you have this?”
“I have a new chef coming in a few weeks. We’re shuffling around a bit. He’s got one hand, lost it during his service. I want to make things as easy on him as possible. Tried it myself. It’s a pain in the ass, but I think with practice, he’ll like it.”
“You tried it?” She ran her fingers over the board. It was expertly crafted. It came in three parts; one seemed to detach. The better to scrape the cut veg into a container or the pan with one hand.
“I had Chef tie my hand down. It was rough. I’m shitty at it. I bet the new guy is phenomenal. Apparently he practices all the time. We’re lucky to get him.” He walked over to the door. “I’m sorry for the confusion, Jules. I’ll explain to everyone that it was all my fault. Hell, they’ll believe that.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He sighed, a tired sound that made her want to hug him. “We better get to work. And Jules, if you want to play around with that, feel free. I don’t know how the new guy will feel about you using it after he gets here. You know how chefs can be possessive assholes about certain things. Especially the unique tools. They get it into their heads they’re the only ones who can properly use something and they get pissy about anyone else touching it.”
She turned to him. He was being nice and she’d been a complete bitch. What the hell was she supposed to do? “Javi, maybe we should…”
But the doors had come open and the crew was filing in.
“Thank god, the drama is over,” Macon said. “You two work it all out? When’s the wedding?”
Sometimes her coworkers were assholes.
“We’re cool,” Javier said “It was entirely a misunderstanding on my part. I apologized and we’re moving on.”
“Ah, so there’s more drama coming.” Macon shook his head and went back to making icing roses on his tiny cakes.
Javier went to his station and started pulling down a pan.
She wanted to talk to him, wanted to start the whole afternoon over. Maybe start the last few days over.
And do what? Fall into his arms? Pretend like they could really work?
She was ready to wade into the pool, not dive into the deep end.
And if that means the right one gets away? Because you were too scared? Because you decide when the time is right? It didn’t work with Kevin so it wouldn’t work with anyone?
As alive as she’d felt when she’d walked in, she felt dreary now. All those colors had gone back to gray and she wasn’t sure what she should do.
She walked out of the kitchen and wished she’d never walked in. Naturally that was the moment Chef came out of his office and made a beeline in her direction.
“Here are the menus.” Chef Taggart handed them over. “And if you could go over the reservations for the concert night dinner, I would appreciate it. We’ve got some bigwigs coming in. Apparently Wade Rycroft knows this singer, or at least she’s a friend of a friend. He and Declan will be here for security. We need to plan on that, too.”
Work. She needed to concentrate on work. “Of course.”
Just when she thought Chef would dismiss her, let her go back to work, he frowned her way. “You really thought I would fire you? Because you slept with one of my line chefs? I’ve had a couple who were so wound up, I’ve offered to find hookers for them. There have been times I would have begged someone to sleep with those idiots. And if I fired everyone who slept with a coworker, I wouldn’t have a staff. I swear the only place that’s worse is my brother’s office.”
Another blush went through her. “I don’t know what I thought. I couldn’t think of another reason why you would call me into your office and I lost it.”
“But you didn’t lose it to me. It wasn’t me you were shouting for. You went after Javier,” Chef pointed out. “You went after him like a woman scorned, and I happen to know the man hasn’t scorned you. It was enlightening. You got a strong streak of crazy bitch in there, O’Neil. It’s good to know. I was worried about you for a while, but you let crazy bitch out enough and you’ll be fine.”
She was incredibly confused. “I disrupted your dinner prep. I still can’t believe I did that.”
“Yeah, you did. Think about that and why you did it and maybe you’ll figure a few things out.” He turned and went back into the kitchen.
The doors swung closed, but not before she caught a glimpse of Javi. He was starting a sauce of some kind, his face so serious. Everyone around him was joking, but he looked sad.
And that cutting board. She saw that, too.
She wasn’t sure she would be able to stop thinking about either one of them.
Jules turned and found Tiffany and Ally watching her.
“You need to tell us that story. We can’t stand it when the chefs know more than we do,” Tiffany said.
It was going to be a long night.
Chapter Five
Javier pushed the wheelchair into his apartment, but not before he’d glanced at Jules’s door. She hadn’t shown up the night before. She hadn’t even stayed for family supper. She’d been gone before he’d cleaned his station.
“The place doesn’t look too bad,” Rafe said as the door closed. “I thought you said someone trashed it.”
Javier locked the door. “Someone did trash it. I have no idea why since they didn’t take anything. I thought maybe some kids had gone around taking advantage of the storm to be little assholes, but from what I can tell I was the only apartment that got hit.”
“You probably forgot to lock the door.”
“I locked the door. I had a friend come out and look at the place. He thinks whoever broke in was looking for something.” He didn’t want to get into this with Rafe, but he had to. “Is there any reason someone would want to fuck with you?”
Rafe turned his head. “You’re serious? This is my fault?”
Javier put his hands up, trying to stave off a heated conflict. “Not your fault. I was asking if anyone’s threatened you. You’re kind of an asshole now and you piss people off.”
“Well, if they were pissed at me, shouldn’t they have done something more than toss the furniture? It was probably kids looking for drugs. You see someone like me wheeling around like a pathetic chump and you know that’s the dude who has the good drugs,” Rafe reasoned.
The bathroom had been trashed. It was a logical conclusion. Besides, what else could he do about it? Brighton hadn’t found anything. Nothing had been stolen. Because the security cameras had been out, there was no way to even track who’d come in and out of the complex. It seemed to be one of those crappy things that happened when you didn’t live in a high-tech building.
He’d gotten permission to put in a better deadbolt. Jules would find she had permission as well.
“Speaking of, you get my meds?” Rafe’s chair squeaked as he moved into the living room.
Javier had already stopped at the pharmacy. “I got them. I’ll bring them to you in the morning. The doctor said he gave you everything you’re supposed to take until morning.”
Rafe’s face tightened. “Doc doesn’t know how much everything fucking hurts. I just went through surgery. You would think since I don’t have any fucking legs I would hurt less.”
“You went through surgery and you’ve had the pain medication the doctor prescribed. I’m not going to double dose you. The doc says if you would try to use what’s left of your legs more, they would get strong and hurt less.”
Rafe’s head dropped back. “Stop telling me what the doctor says. I don’t care what any of them say. They don’t have to deal with those fucking prosthetics.” His head came back up and he managed to wheel himself around to face Javier. “Did Sonja call?”
At least Rafe was asking about his wife. Ex-wife. It was still hard to think about her that way. He called her at least once a week to make sure she and his niece were all right. “I talked to her yesterday. She’s doing all right. She got a new job.”
Rafe’s head came up, more interested in that information than he’d been in anything since Javier had picked him up. “Where is she working?”
It was the one bit of good news she’d had in a while. She’d seemed excited about it on the phone, a sparkle in her voice that had only died when she’d politely asked about Rafe. “She’s at a law firm in Dallas. O’Malley and Taylor. It’s a firm that specializes in corporate law. You know she finished her paralegal training after all these years.”
He’d asked Sean if he knew any lawyers and soon Sonja had an interview. O’Malley and Taylor represented a large investment group Big Tag was a member of called the Masters Fund—run by the same man who was trying to poach Sean’s chef—and Barnes and Fleetwood, a cattle rancher conglomerate. Sonja seemed to enjoy her new job and it paid well.
“Yeah, no thanks to me.” Rafe sighed. “So she’s working with a bunch of lawyers. You know if she’s dating?”
Another subject he was careful to avoid. “Why do you care, man?”
“She’s my wife.”
“Ex-wife. You did that. You shoved her away.” Javier moved to the kitchen. It was getting late and the nurse would be here soon. She was taking the night shift while Rafe recovered from surgery. “Do you want something to eat? I have to leave for work as soon as the nurse shows up and I won’t be back until late.”
“Not hungry.” He was quiet for a moment. “I still love her. I never stopped loving her.”
“Then why were you so awful to her?”
“Do you know what it’s like to be someone one minute and in the next you’re an entirely different human being, and you can’t go back?” He pointed to the mantel over the fireplace where Javier kept pictures. There were framed shots of his mom and dad, some of he and Rafe as kids, a few of his niece, one of the original team at Top on the day the restaurant opened. But Rafe was pointing to the one of he and Sonja on their wedding day. Happy, shiny kids with their whole lives ahead of them. “I fucking hate that picture. I want you to burn it.”
“I’ll take it down if you want, but I’m not going to burn it. I love that picture. It reminds me of my brother.”
A bitter laugh huffed from Rafe’s mouth. “Yeah, the dead one because I’m not him, right?”
“Just shut up, Rafe. I don’t want to have this conversation with you.” He’d been avoiding it ever since Rafe had shown up on his doorstep.
“Because I’m not all content with life the way your one-armed girl is?” The question came out on a nasty huff. “You think I don’t see how you look at her? She’s always coming up to me when we’re at PT and trying to be all sweetness and light. I see through her.”
“Don’t fucking talk about Jules.”
Rafe smirked as though he knew he had him now. “I can talk about Jules all day, brother. I know her far better than you. I bet you buy her calm exterior. I bet you think she’s really that content.”
“I don’t think she’s content at all. I think she pretends and pretends, and I don’t know how to make her stop and be real with me.”
Rafe went still, his eyes focused for the first time in what felt like forever. “You like her.”
He shouldn’t have taken the bait. He should have kept his mouth shut. Rafe was toxic and tried to poison everything he touched. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
He started to move around his brother, but Rafe’s hand shot out, holding his arm fast.
“I didn’t realize you gave a shit about her. I’m sorry. She’s a nice lady. I talk to her a lot, but you have to get that she’s fucked up like me. She’s not as cool as she seems to be. She’s just way better at hiding it than I am.”
“She doesn’t push everyone away the way you do.” Just him, and maybe he deserved it.
“I don’t know about that. I think she would only push away the people who could hurt her. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you feel like shit if she’s close to you. Maybe she does like you. What do I know? I’m an idiot.”
“You didn’t used to be. You were the smartest guy I knew. You were the guy I went to when I needed advice. I need it now. I care about her. I…I’m really into Jules. Like I’ve never been into anyone before.”
Rafe’s eyes locked with his. “Don’t. Let that one go because she’s never going to want you. Not that she won’t desire you, but she won’t be with you. Never, man.”
“Why? Because she sees me as some walking venereal disease?”
“No,” Rafe replied. “Because she sees you as what she could have been. Like I said, I’ve talked to her a lot. She views you as everything she could have had, and she won’t ever be able to forgive you for it.”
Javi’s knees felt weak because he realized what Rafe was saying. “Is that what happened with you and Sonja? You see her as what you could have been?”
He was quiet for a moment, but when he finally spoke, the words felt tortured. “I went into the military so I could go to school. You know that. Pops didn’t have enough saved up for the education I needed. Sonja and I sat down and decided on how to get where we wanted to be. We decided on the military. I wanted to be a fucking lawyer. Isn’t that rich? I should have taken the money Pops had and become a damn plumber. At least I’d have my legs. Who listens to a lawyer in a fucking wheelchair? How can I be anything when I can’t walk? I can’t get myself anywhere. I can’t do anything for my damn self. But Sonja…oh, she can do it all.”
He’d heard this argument from his brother a hundred times when he was drunk. “Because she’s a badass bitch who doesn’t let anything stand in her way. She does what needs to be done and she doesn’t complain about it.”
“Yeah? Well, she’s never had to lose her legs.”
Javier knew it was time to walk away, but he couldn’t stop himself from arguing. “She lost her husband. She lost the love of her life and got back this whining, sad-sack baby who won’t even try to live. Don’t you dare say she’s had it easy. She’s raised a child without you. She lost you and you’re still sitting here. And there are plenty of lawyers in wheelchairs. You lost your legs, not your brain. And don’t think for a second I’m going to lose Jules the same way. I won’t stop. She thinks I’m something she can’t be. I’ll prove to her otherwise.”
“You’ll lose. She’s lost. She can smile and shit, but she’s exactly like the rest of us,” Rafe spat out. “She should have died. It would have been a kindness.”
“Fuck you. Start thinking about where else you can go because I’m not going to let you stay here if you can say that.” Javi’d had enough. He turned and walked back out the front door and into the hallway. He couldn’t look at whatever devil now inhabited Rafe’s skin. That thing lived to sow chaos, to see the people around him miserable.
He put his back to the wall and let himself sink to the floor. What the fuck was he going to do?
He couldn’t put his brother out on the street.
He let his head drift to his hand, misery welling inside him. He’d loved his brother. How did he deal with who his brother had become?
Was Rafe right about Juliana? Was there
some festering sore deep inside her that couldn’t be fixed? Was he setting himself up for heartache?
“Javi?”
He looked up and she was standing there, a watery vision in the hallway.
She dropped the grocery bag she was holding and sank down beside him, her arm going around his shoulders. “Rafe’s back, then?”
He couldn’t even answer her, merely let himself sag against her.
“I’m sorry, Javi. He doesn’t mean half of what he says. He feels bad so he’s mean to the people he cares about, the ones he knows won’t go away, and even some of them leave him,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
He wasn’t sure what she was apologizing for, but he welcomed her warmth. She wasn’t lost. Even in her pain and fumbling, she was kind. She wanted to be loved. She simply wasn’t sure how to ask for it, and he was a fool who didn’t know what he was doing either. Jules deserved better than him.
They sat there for a while, her arm around him, their heads touching.
“Should I give up on you?” Javier asked.
She was silent and he thought she would stand up and walk away, but then her hand slid over his, tangling their fingers together. “I would rather you didn’t.”
She went silent again and he was content to sit with her hand in his.
* * * *
“You need to rethink this. Come on, give it a shot. It’s fun.” Deena grinned as she put the finishing touches on her makeup for the evening. “We’ve been having this party once a month ever since we bought the house. I know we could go to Sanctum and we do, but sometimes it’s fun to not have to make the drive. We keep everything pretty casual.”
“This does not feel casual.” Jules squirmed as Kori pulled on the laces of the emerald green corset they’d selected for this venture. It looked gorgeous on the mannequin, but then the mannequin didn’t have nerves and skin, and no one had tied her in like a sausage roll. Her only other clothing? A tiny little matching thong. “And you did get the part where I’m probably not going to stay very long.”
