by Lexi Blake
It couldn’t work if he wouldn’t face the fact that Rafe had a serious problem. He needed to focus on his brother. If he went out there and found Jules, he would do nothing but bring her into his hell, and she’d been through enough of that.
He went back to his dish, wondering all the while if it wouldn’t be better to let her go.
Two hours later, Javier watched Jules across the room. Emily launched into another song, her lovely voice filling the space with emotion.
Fucking emotions. He was having a million of them.
They hadn’t spoken through dinner service. Jules had come back into the kitchen a few times, helping Ally and Tiffany, but she hadn’t once looked at him. She stood at the back of the small crowd, across the restaurant from him, as though she was going to try to keep as much space between them as possible.
He glanced over to one of the tables nearer to the front. Annaliese O’Neil was seated there. She looked a lot like her daughter. Red haired and lovely and stubborn. Even listening to a country-western performance, the woman was sitting with perfect posture.
What the hell was he going to do about Jules?
“It’s hard, you know,” a deep voice said. Sebastian stood behind him. They were far enough back that with a low tone he wouldn’t disrupt the performance. “It’s hard to adjust to losing a piece of yourself. The world looks different than it did before. It can take time to decide to move forward.”
“I don’t think she wants to. I wouldn’t have a problem with that, but I don’t think she’ll be happy. I think she’s been running from this decision for a long time and she’ll never be content with a man who’s doing what she dreamed about,” he whispered back.
He knew she wouldn’t be happy on the sidelines of his world. He wanted to bring her in, to make her a partner. They could be a team. It would be one thing if she truly couldn’t manage it. Then he would sit down and figure out something else that would fill her soul, but he knew in his heart that she could do this. She could have this part of herself back.
“If it helps at all, Tiffany agrees with you,” Sebastian replied. “Tiffany says she talks about the dishes all the time, how it was cooked, what techniques were used. But you can’t make Jules try. I can, however, promise you that if you step away from her tonight, she won’t let you in again. I know because I would have done the same thing had Tiffany retreated.”
He’d always thought the seemingly uptight sommelier and the bright, vivacious waitress made an odd couple, but they worked. Sebastian smiled more now and he’d eased up on having to look and act like nothing had ever happened to him. There were days when Tiffany would push him in his wheelchair. That would never have happened before their marriage.
“She’s angry with me,” Javier replied. “And honestly, it might be best if I took a step back. I don’t know what’s happening with my brother and it could be dangerous.”
Except he did know. Deep inside he knew she was right. He simply didn’t know what to do about it.
“Best for her? I don’t know about that. I know that scene in the kitchen was bad, but at least she showed some emotion. You bring that out in her. No one else. I think if you leave her alone, she’ll close off that part of herself and won’t open it again. That would be a terrible shame.” Sebastian stepped back and turned to his wife, holding out a hand as the music changed to a slow ballad. “Dance with me, love. I’m not very graceful, but I’ll try for you.”
Tiffany went straight in Sebastian’s arms, swaying with her husband in the shadows.
And he knew that no matter what happened tomorrow, he couldn’t leave Jules like this.
Emily Young’s rich voice brought the crowd into her song.
Don’t tell me it’s too late…
He moved around the crowd, catching Juliana’s stare. Her eyes flared as though she finally realized he was coming for her.
Don’t call me darlin’ and tell me you’re leaving…
For a moment he thought she might run, but then there it was. The light of challenge. Her shoulders squared and she stepped away from the crowd, obviously ready to do battle.
Was Sebastian right? Would she fight with anyone else? Or would she treat all the others like she did life itself—something to amuse her but nothing serious.
Don’t walk away…
“Javier,” she began.
He shook his head. “No. No fighting. No talking. Dance with me. Just be with me for a few minutes. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I only know that I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.”
He might only have a chance to say it once. She might not forgive him. God only knew what would happen with Rafael. But they had this moment and he had to say it because he wasn’t ever going to say it to another woman.
Stop pushing me when you know you want to hold on…
For a second he thought she would walk away, and then she was in his arms. Jules wrapped her arms around him, holding on like she wouldn’t, couldn’t let go.
“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.
His heart broke because that was their problem. He knew what to do, but she didn’t, and that meant she wasn’t ready. It was simple for him. She’d walked into his life and the world had become a brighter place. He merely confused her, unsettled her. He upset her carefully balanced life. He wasn’t good for her.
He held on to her, knowing what he would do at the end of the song. He breathed her in, trying to memorize everything about this woman, his woman.
She would be his in his heart, in his dreams.
It could be so easy for us, baby. I’ve been here but you don’t see me.
“Don’t worry about it,” he whispered. “You don’t have to do anything. I’m going to step away at the end of this song and we’re going to be friends, if you’ll forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make things worse.”
“I don’t know what I want.” The words came out of her mouth on a stifled cry. She buried her head in his shoulder.
He’d never seen her cry.
He’d done this to her.
Javier held on, hugging her tight and swaying for comfort more than to find the rhythm. He finally understood what his parents had. They’d loved each other, wanting the best for the other person far more than they’d ever wanted anything for themselves.
But it only worked if they were both in it. That was the hell of it all. Her distance lessened his love not one ounce.
“It’s going to be okay,” he promised her. “I won’t ever hurt you again, sweetheart.”
She cried into his shoulder as the song played on.
He prayed it would never end.
* * * *
Jules opened the back door, leading her mother past the kitchen and out into the evening. She tried not to look Javier’s way. She couldn’t.
Not when that dance had felt like good-bye.
When the song had ended, she’d run to the bathroom because she couldn’t let her mother see her crying. She couldn’t let anyone see her crying.
“So you work here, but not in the kitchen.” Her mother sat down at one of the picnic tables behind the restaurant.
The employee break space consisted of a basketball net and two picnic tables so employees could escape during their breaks. It was a well-kept space, but more about function than form. It was a place where she’d started to feel comfortable.
After that incident with Javier, it might be a place she didn’t see again. It rolled in her gut even as she tried her hardest to look calm. The fight was right there. Even after he’d held her and promised that everything would be okay, something had been left undone. It felt unfinished, but then she should never have started at all. She’d known it deep in her gut. She should have kept it to one night because she was never going to be happy as the significant other of a man who would live the dream that should have been hers.
God, had she just thought that? How selfish was she?
Was that really why she was ho
lding herself apart from Javier? Why she hadn’t told him the words that had been right there on her lips?
I love you.
He loved her and she held back. He’d actually said the words and she hadn’t been able to return them to him. She’d known in that moment she might never be able to even though she felt them.
When had she become such a fucking coward?
Her mother looked incredibly out of place in her Chanel sheath and Louboutin heels. Her hair was perfectly done and didn’t move even as the slight breeze blew through.
“Yes. I work here. I’ve been here for a couple of months. After I was discharged, I needed a job and one of Kevin’s friends came through with this one. Chef pays well and there are other benefits.” Ones she wouldn’t use now since there was no way she would be playing anymore.
Why had he been cruel to her in the kitchen? She got that he’d been upset she’d called his brother an addict, but he’d obviously been planning that show of his for a while. He’d gotten excellent with his non-dominant hand, proving himself superior in every way. How long had it taken him? A week? Two? She kind of hated him for that, for how easy it came for him. He was a golden boy.
“Yes, I saw a documentary on this place,” her mother said quietly. “I hear they offer a range of services for their employees. Chef Taggart is very interested in hiring veterans. He takes them in and teaches them how to cook. It’s a worthy endeavor.”
Something in her mom’s tone didn’t feel right to Jules. “Most of his recruits end up in culinary school. He takes the ones who show promise and he sends them to train. It’s a real restaurant, not a charity.”
“I know that. I didn’t say it wasn’t real.” Her mother looked older, as though the few years they’d been apart were more like a decade. Makeup and lighting did wonders for her on television, but in the late evening light, Jules could see how her mother had aged.
“Why are you here, Mom?” She needed to get this over with so she could move on to the problem of finding another job and another apartment because she sure as hell wasn’t going back to watching the women come and go out of Javi’s love den. No matter what he’d said, if they weren’t together, he would find someone else. That was how the world worked. Men loved women, but they didn’t wait very long before finding another one to give them what they needed. He wouldn’t be mean to her, but she couldn’t handle it happening in front of her face.
“I wanted to see you and I needed an excuse, I suppose,” her mother replied. “When I got the invitation from the network, I thought I couldn’t put it off anymore. I’ve been talking to this woman, you see. Odd thing. She’s the star of a niche Internet cooking show. “Angel in the Kitchen.” You should watch it sometime. She’s very telegenic. I’m trying to talk her into coming on the show. Suzanne. Lovely young woman.”
Well, at least now she knew why Suzanne had hung around. She’d wanted an in. It shouldn’t surprise her. “I’m glad you made a friend.”
Her mother shook her perfectly coiffed head. “It’s more than that. She made me think about you, about mistakes I’ve made. Sometimes we do things for reasons that seem right at the time. But what they’re really about is fear and trying to stay in control of something I couldn’t. I tried calling you.”
She’d seen her mother’s name on the screen and known she wasn’t ready to deal with any of this. “You didn’t leave messages. I thought it couldn’t possibly be important.”
Her mother turned to her. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“Hello. How’s it going, Jules? Miss that hand much?” She’d noticed the one thing her mom hadn’t stared at was her hand. She’d seemed fascinated with everything else about Jules, but not once had her mother’s eyes gone to her missing hand.
“Stop with the sarcasm, Juliana. Please.” She looked away, staring out into the alley. “I tried to go to your place last night. You weren’t there.”
“I was out.” She’d been melting in Javier’s arms. “I didn’t get in until late.”
“Do you have a new man in your life?”
That was easy. “No. I was out with friends. You know how it can be after work.”
They worked hard and played hard. They kept late hours because they often didn’t start work until the afternoon if they were on dinner service.
Her mother’s lips curled up faintly, as though remembering some long-forgotten good time. “Yes, I suppose so. When I worked in your grandparents’ diner, I would sometimes sneak in the back with one of the short-order cooks. He could have been your father, if you’d been lucky.”
She felt her jaw drop. “Mother.”
Her mom shrugged slyly. “Well, I did have a life and he was lovely. All I’m saying is I do understand and I’m happy you have friends. Why are you a hostess? Does this Taggart fellow not hire female chefs? I can make him, you know.”
“I don’t think he’s had any apply,” she shot back. The whole conversation made her sick. Her life revolved around this conversation. “I don’t want to talk about my job. Why don’t you tell me why you didn’t bother to show up at my hospital bed? I would have thought at least you could have gotten a show out of it. I fully expected you to come barging in with a camera crew, but you never did. What’s wrong? Do you not need the military demographic?”
Her mom seemed to shrink a bit in the face of her bitter words. “You changed your next of kin when you got married. Did you know the Navy didn’t inform me when you were injured? I didn’t know you were injured at all until much later.”
She hadn’t known? That thought had never once occurred to Jules. Her mother knew everything. Her mother had always seemed to have eyes everywhere because she couldn’t stand to not know. How hard had it been to let go? To not know where her daughter was in the world for months and years at a time? “I thought Kevin told you.”
“Kevin didn’t call me for almost a month.” Her mother’s voice sounded ragged. “He kept that information from me for a month. I’m afraid he doesn’t like me very much. I wasn’t kind to him in the beginning, but then he was the enemy.”
“He was a kid, Mom. Like I was a kid.” Still, it felt good to know her mom hadn’t ignored her. Kevin had known how angry she’d been with her mom. He’d likely thought he was helping out.
So many good intentions gone wrong because no one had talked it out. No one had sat and made things plain. Relationships of all kinds were worth the work of talking and negotiating.
Why did she walk away so easily?
“But you were my kid and he was taking you away,” her mother said with a sigh. “In my mind, he was definitely the enemy.”
Jules felt years away from that arrogant girl she’d been. “No, it wasn’t Kevin’s fault. I would have left anyway. I hated college and you wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do.”
“Did it occur to you that there were other places you could work? That you could have fought me harder? You didn’t have to throw away your future.” The words came quickly out of her mom’s mouth, as though she knew she had very little time to make her case.
She was right. Jules stood. “I think we’re done here. We’ve had this argument before. You know, I thought you would be thrilled. I mean, I finally did it. I proved you right. I went out into the big bad world and I lost everything. You should get an I told you so T-shirt. You could sell it to your fans.”
Her mother stood as well, blocking her path. “You think this is what I wanted? I spent my whole life working to protect you. I knew exactly what the big bad world could do to you. Why do you think I fought so hard? I worked day and night to pull us up out of the poverty your father left us in. Do you think I wanted you to have to slave away in kitchens? You were too smart for that.”
“I fooled you, didn’t I, Mom? And I didn’t think working in kitchens was slaving away. I loved it. I loved every minute we spent in that first restaurant you opened. I would come in after school and wash dishes because I wanted to hang out. You think you built an empire for me, but a
ll I ever wanted was that little Italian place on the square. I cried my eyes out when you sold it.”
“You were fifteen, Juliana. You couldn’t run it and I needed the cash for something bigger.”
Jules held up her good hand. “I’m over that. I don’t blame you. It was yours to sell, but I wasn’t yours to keep. You didn’t get to pick my future. You still don’t. If you came here to get me back in college so I can count your cash, you wasted a first-class ticket.”
“I came here to see my daughter,” her mother yelled.
She’d never heard her mother yell. Not once. Not when her father left. Not when the bill collectors showed up. Not when the world had gone to hell. It was enough to make her stop.
Her mother seemed to flush and calm all at once, like an overfilled balloon that had finally popped. She leaned against the table. “I let the time slip by. I told myself you would be back. You would get out there and realize how terrible the world is and you would come home.”
“I liked the Navy, Mom. I liked feeling like my life had some meaning. I liked helping people. Hell, I wouldn’t change things. That’s the crazy part. I wouldn’t even go back and change it all. Getting my arm back would mean five people died. I sacrificed.”
She had. She’d sacrificed her arm. Did she have to sacrifice everything else? Did she sacrifice her dreams because they’d suddenly become harder to achieve?
Did she sacrifice her man because her pride meant more than he did?
Pride? Shouldn’t she be proud? She’d survived. Shouldn’t she try her hardest to thrive?
Her mother straightened up, coming to stand in front of her. “I prayed you would come home. I worried about you. But I never stopped loving you and I’m ashamed that I punished you for leaving me. I did it because I couldn’t punish your father or your grandfather or all the other people along the way who left me alone. I did that to you because you hurt me.”
Jules felt her heart break. “Oh, Mom, I didn’t mean to. I just had to figure out who I am. I couldn’t be a clone of you.”
