The Magicians of Scotland

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The Magicians of Scotland Page 4

by Ron Butlin


  Trident Mantra

  Here’s Fruit Juice raising the lid of our communal street bin.

  ZOOM in on Edinburgh’s most celebrated dosser,

  his boots, overalls and multi-layered cape

  (buttonless coat, windjammer jacket,

  fleece) clambering in,

  headfirst.

  (His bicycle clutters the nearby pavement –

  handlebars and frame a tangle of

  broken-backed rucksacks, holdalls,

  Tesco bags-for-life.)

  He’s choosing his new spring wardrobe?

  A recliner for a long weekend?

  The metal lid’s slammed back down.

  TRACK him wheeling away his property –

  the ballast that helps him stay on course.

  His streets, his bins, his treasure trove,

  and all Edinburgh for a bed.

  (Thanks to Face-Recognition Software, CCTV,

  and Trident patrolling our dreams

  to keep us safe, Scottish history is now updated

  as it actually happens.

  Living and dying is given real meaning.)

  ZOOM in on those souvenir stigmata scars

  across his palms. Silken-sleek, and gashed

  the length of Gareloch every time

  £20 billion and rising

  slides into dock.

  TRACK him. TRACK him to the next street,

  to the next bin. TRACK his morning prayers.

  TRACK the mantra that gets him through the day –

  Vanguard. Victorious. Vigilant. Vengeance.

  We live in a glass kingdom that seems each day to become more fragile. Should we worry? After all, our elders and betters are determined to take care of us.

  A History of The Glass Kingdom

  Back then, High Priests would breathe on every surface

  of our sacred heart-stone,

  lesser priests breathed

  on the everyday transparency of streets,

  buildings, billboards, trees, grass

  and falling rain.

  They breathed and they polished,

  they made our precious kingdom shine!

  (Beyond our borders lay a thanklessness

  of darkness and division

  where local deities clawed the sky,

  stamped on the earth

  to get attention.

  Matters of life and death were settled

  by divine clumsiness.

  Small gods and smaller men – envy

  gave them strength.)

  Meanwhile, the light streaming from our

  sacred heart-stone’s core purified

  and protected us.

  Our dreams were forgiven,

  our longings and regrets (the mess

  of fingerprints we’d smear on whatever

  we desired)

  were painlessly erased.

  Contented years, contented centuries. Until –

  *

  This morning, the sun has come to a standstill.

  Beneath us, the permafrost contracts.

  We feel it crack.

  Feel it split.

  Glaciers and polar icecaps are breaking off,

  slipping (so distant from us, we hardly

  hear a sound)

  into the warming waters.

  Our priests assure us they continue to breathe

  and to polish every single moment

  of every single day.

  They say they breathe and polish harder

  than ever before.

  They have new incantations, they tell us,

  new rituals.

  Do they think they can move the sun?

  *

  Computer simulations show our kingdom

  catching fire. Such an electronic crackling,

  such a roar from the surround-sound speakers!

  See-through roads and bridges melt.

  Glass-hard girders buckle in the heat.

  History’s a sentence left forever

  incomplete …

  Victoria de Los Angeles was not only a celebrated singer …

  The Composer’s Cat

  This cat we knew.

  Alas, no longer now –

  her chromatic rough-lick mew,

  her mellow-modulated meow.

  Armchair and bed preferred to floor,

  or else, a stretched out belly-furred

  lintel for an open door,

  while feline micro-engine purred.

  *

  You morning-pawed to break night’s spell

  and wake another day.

  And so your nine lives passed away.

  Our thanks and greetings, and farewell,

  Victoria LA.

  The Darien Scheme of 1698 was Scotland’s attempt at creating an international trading company to rival those of the English and Dutch. Speculation gripped the country, many rich and poor invested all their savings. They lost everything. Of the original 1,200 men and women who colonised the Isthmus of Darien, only a few survived. Had they been able to google Panama before setting out, much misery might have been averted. Perhaps.

  Darien II

  Real-time seems to pass too slowly?

  Then defragment it.

  If that doesn’t work –

  RUN a virus check.

  QUARANTINE the Scottish gods who’ve hacked

  into the system.

  If that doesn’t work –

  •

  GOOGLE ‘Financial Speculation:

  The Darien Scheme / Disaster, 1698’

  •

  Print off each sorry A4 sheet

  •

  Origami a fleet of paper boats

  •

  Add 1,200 human lives for ballast

  •

  Float the doomed armada 300+years into the past

  UPLOAD the slurried, fever-ridden Panama swamps,

  the gorged mosquitoes, the rats,

  the snakes, the total lack of

  anyone to trade with.

  Most of all, the endless

  tropical rain rain

  rain and more rain.

  UPLOAD the weight of Scottish gold

  and silver coin (half the country’s

  hoarded wealth) stacked

  and strongboxed on the nation’s desktop

  as on a green-baize gaming-table …

  If that doesn’t work –

  SWITCH OFF at the mains and wait for 30 seconds.

  REBOOT

  Go to VIRUS VAULT

  SELECT ‘Scottish gods’ and ‘Unforgiveness’

  Right-click both

  DELETE

  Meanwhile, Scottish history will have timed out.

  REFRESH?

  (Warning – Real-time does NOT repeat!)

  The large and prominent clock of Edinburgh’s Balmoral Hotel looks down the length of Princes Street, and is always set three minutes ahead. This is to speed up passengers who have trains to catch at nearby Waverley station.

  Our Plea To The Balmoral Clock

  Gazing down upon our all-too-human delay

  of almost-joined-up city streets,

  and a mortality that clearly

  cannot be relied on,

  you seem to promise us – what?

  Do you feel the urgency behind our as-yet

  unspoken words of love, the ache within

  the gestures we lack courage

  to complete?

  Do you understand our need for hopes

  and fears to free us

  from the present moment?

  If so, what we ask is this –

  Let whatever time you show us

  be our invitation into the future –

  and a blessing on us all.

  Like art and religion before it, business enterprise now takes on the responsibility to create the world we live in …

  Whatever Next?

  Who hasn’t dreamt of windfarms in Princes Street?

  Strictly dem
ocratic, they’ll brighten up our lives

  electric-wise from Granton to Grange,

  Jenner’s to Poundland.

  Just imagine –

  fifty-foot high maitre d’s perpetually

  ushering us in to picnic

  on the grassy slopes.

  How the world will envy us!

  How Glasgow will envy us!

  It only needs a business plan.

  Somewhere deep beneath the Castle, we’ll have

  a terra-cotta army standing guard,

  as well it should.

  McPyramids will house the future line

  of Scottish pharaohs.

  Ah yes, a business plan …

  Wee Referendum Burd

  See thon burbled chatter gaitherin

  in the gloamin?

  There’s aye yin as canna git heard,

  canna git sortit,

  but keeps on joukin in an oot,

  roun an aboot –

  His sang’s the name he’ll caa hissel –

  gin yince he sings it oot!

  I love music and frequently work with composers and musicians. It’s been my pleasure to produce the libretti for seven operas and numerous texts for orchestral and chamber pieces. Poets are often musicians manqué.

  An Opera To Last A Lifetime

  Before we ever learn to say –

  we sing. Breathing song,

  seeing-hearing-smelling-tasting—

  touching everything-and-everyone song.

  Then words come. Words mean.

  Words weigh out what it is

  we feel, what it is we do.

  Who we are, who they are.

  Separating what once was one

  into here and there,

  into now and then,

  into theirs and yours and mine.

  And so, if we would really live again,

  if we would feel alive again –

  Let’s sing and sing and SING!

  With our planet heading ever more rapidly towards self-destruct thanks to the tireless efforts of big business, governments and the like, it’s about time someone came up with a plan.

  How To Save The World

  PART A

  Question 1:

  Please SELECT which best describes you:

  DICTATOR / OLIGARCH WARLORD (local)

  WARLORD (freelance) /CEO OF MULTINATIONAL

  CORPORATION involved in energy production,

  in the chemical or biotech industries, or in mass media /

  WEAPONS MANUFACTURER or ARMS DEALER /

  POLITICIAN (self-appointed or otherwise) /

  BANKER/FINANCIER / TERRORIST

  (freelance) / TERRORIST (affiliated) / OTHER

  If you selected WEAPONS MANUFACTURER

  or ARMS DEALER,

  please proceed directly to PART B

  Otherwise, go to question 2

  Question 2:

  Do you believe that YOU personally can save the world?

  YES / NO / NOT SURE

  If you selected YES, please proceed directly to PART B

  Otherwise, go to Question 3

  Question 3:

  In the event of a nuclear, biological, chemical or terrorist

  attack, do you believe YOUR personal security is vital to

  the world’s survival?

  YES / NO / NOT SURE

  If you selected YES, please proceed directly to PART B

  Otherwise, go to Question 4

  Question 4:

  Are you prepared to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save

  the world?

  YES / NO / NOT SURE

  If you selected YES, please proceed directly to PART B

  If you have selected NO, or NOT SURE to questions

  2–4, please proceed directly to PART D

  Otherwise, go to Question 5

  Question 5:

  On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is NOT AT ALL

  CONFIDENT and 10 SUPREMELY CONFIDENT,

  how confident are you that the world can be saved

  by you ONLY?

  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

  If you scored 2 or less, please proceed directly to PART D

  Otherwise proceed to PART B

  PART B

  From the drop-down menu, please SELECT

  your current Real Time Location (RTL),

  i.e. where you are now.

  CONGRATULATIONS! You have selected ‘COUNTRY X’

  BREAKING NEWS – While you have been completing

  PART A of this questionnaire, COUNTRY X has been

  warned of a nuclear-biological-chemical-terrorist attack.

  STATUS: IMMINENT

  Please CHOOSE Username and Password

  Please CONFIRM Username and Password

  Please follow the link to –

  www.howtosavetheworldfromitsenemies.com/

  mypersonalsurvival

  Please ENTER Username and Password

  Please ENTER postcode of your RTL

  The onscreen map indicates your nearest

  Designated Safe Location (DSL).

  Please proceed IMMEDIATELY to your DSL

  for further instructions.

  NOTE: Do not engage in conversation / explanation

  with anyone before quitting your current RTL.

  PART C

  CONGRATULATIONS!

  You have now reached your DSL.

  ENTER Username and Password

  When Door / Hatch Manhole Cover Other opens,

  please proceed immediately inside.

  NOTE: Door / Hatch Manhole Cover Other

  will automatically lock behind you.

  Do not be alarmed.

  This is for your comfort and security.

  Please find your WELCOME PACK.

  You will remain in your DSL until advised to leave.

  Enjoy your stay!

  NOTE –

  Feedback forms are included in your WELCOME PACK

  PART D

  THANK YOU.

  You have successfully completed the questionnaire.

  BREAKING NEWS – There is NO nuclear-biological-chemical-terrorist threat currently imminent. Self-selected

  enemies to world peace are already placing themselves in

  permanent detention.

  When advised to do so, please feel free to begin celebrating.

  Then get on with your life.

  CONGRATULATIONS!

  Scottish Cat and Scottish Mouse

  The very first Because

  (no paws or claws

  but logic’s laws)

  came once upon a mouse-click

  slick as any electronic

  tick … tick … tick …

  through Time’s deleted was.

  Binary YES and binary NO,

  the cursor showing where to go

  (its heartbeat is what matters most

  to touchscreen lives

  lived ghost-to-ghost).

  But oh! Oh! OH!

  that once upon a long ago

  catabatic flow

  that’s brought us from entropic high

  to less entropic low!

  Never mind the why and how

  or need-to-know,

  only that we’ve come at last

  to now – i.e. what this cat and mouse allow.

  Scottish cat and Scottish mouse

  play hide-and-seek about our house –

  no walls, no floors,

  no stairs, no doors,

  and nothing in between,

  just me and you and you and me –

  our hopes for what will never be

  our fears of what has never been.

  While Scottish sun and moon and star

  make us who and what we are,

  all histories of this and that

  are better left

  to Scottish mouse and Scottish cat.

  First read at the House of Lords, this poem celebrates the Authors’ Licensing and Collection Society and its thirty-five years’
defence of authors’ rights and moneys. A most noble and valued institution!

  God Gives The Universe A Second Shove

  Thirty-five years ago God gave his most recent universe

  the once-over – a reality check

  on all those protons, neutrons

  and electrons who’d gone their own sweet way

  since that First Divine Shove.

  How, He wondered, were things shaping up?

  Empires and pyramids. Paperclips.

  Plastic. McDonalds.

  Margaret Thatcher made Minister for Education!

  Being omniscient, He knew even worse

  was to come:

  ‘pirate downloads’ ‘e-books’

  ‘kindle’ ‘googled Chaucer’ ,

  and beneath that neo-verbal clotted spew

  of Devil’s spawn –

  the Tomb of the Midlist Author.

  … And so God wept.

  God often weeps.

  Often sighs,

  then dries His eyes.

  Then sleeps.

  But in 1977, how could He settle back in heaven

  when nations, unworthy of the name,

  photocopied wholesale –

  no second thoughts, no shame?

  He’d heard of five-act plays,

  of talks and stories that

  were broadcast gratis worldwide –

  no penny in the hat.

  No rouble, drachma, lira, Thailand baht

  came home to needy authors who

  had grown papyrus pale-and-thin,

  their royalties few

  and far between. Live upon a publisher’s advance?

  Some chance!

  Not copyright, but copy-free’d become systemic,

  from backstreet press to academic.

  Moved by sorrow, God then acted out of Love –

  and gave the universe a Second Shove.

  Holy finger raised on high

  He wrote a message in the sky,

  letters in fire. Their meaning? Anybody’s guess –

  A … L … C … S????

  *

  Fast forward to the present day,

  this pleasure-land of politics at play

  among the hedge funds,

  where bailed-out bankers ease the strain

  with extra magnums of champagne.

  A threatened euro, falling pound?

  Austerity the Master Plan?

  – the logic’s pitiless

  and no more sound

  than keeping food from a starving man!

  When common sense has lost all clout,

  art cut to the bone and the bone cut out,

  the likes of me and you

  must write our best, keep true.

  Nothing else will do.

  Afterwards we’ll publish where we can,

  then take our cue

  from God –

  We’ll all give thanks, and bless

  ALCS!

 

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