by Simon Swift
"Get in the car, Black, you're coming with me."
I put my hand on the door handle, but before the door opened there was a thud, and the gun toting man slumped forward. The grinning face of Hermeez Wentz looked through from the other side. He took the key out of the ignition and carefully placed the newspaper over the unconscious man, before joining me at the entrance to my apartment.
"Okay Eezy, you sure will be all right alone?" asked Hermeez, looking from side to side.
I flashed him a confident smile and slapped him on the shoulder. "You just be ready, okay, like I told you. If it all goes to plan I'll be out in fifteen minutes to half an hour and we drive away."
Hermeez nodded and disappeared chameleon like into the background. I straightened my collar and proceeded forward into my apartment. Almost as soon as I entered, I was once again greeted by the cocking of a weapon. I turned slowly, hands in the air to find not one but two men facing me. One I didn't recognize - he was a small, stocky man with fair hair. He had a young face and a shiny handgun. The other had a smile as wide as his face and was wearing an undersize suit. It was clearly straining to hold in the bulk of the man's frame, fraying at the seam around the inside leg.
"Mr. Black, so nice of you to pop in sir," said the large man, "do sit down."
I looked around, found a stool - one of only three seats in the joint - and duly sat down. The place looked pretty much the same as I'd left it. I noticed there was a half-empty jar of coffee on the work-surface and a pile of take-away food wrapping. I took off my hat and looked at the fat man, who was slumped unceremoniously in the only comfy chair. The fair headed kid was behind him, on his feet. He paced back and forth nervously, switching the gun from hand to hand.
"I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long," I said, a hint of humor in my voice.
The fat man chuckled, his spotty bow tie wobbling as he did. "Oh, I expected nothing less from you, sir. You are a man that does just as he pleases, I am sure." He looked over his shoulder at the kid. "Where are your manners Audrey, get Mr. Black a drink, he must be thirsty."
The kid scowled, put his gun down on the work-surface and opened a cupboard. I could just about make out the contents. "You can put that right back where you found it. Do I look like a bloody Russian?" I commanded as the kid pulled out a bottle of vodka. He looked directly at me, a look of menace, but did as he was told as the fat man nodded. Next, he pulled out a bottle of Scotch Whiskey and filled two glasses.
"Oh, you not drinking with us Audrey?" asked the Coward as he passed over a glass, not one of mine I noted. The kid failed to reply, opting to retrieve his pistol and hover around in the background, eyeing me throughout with distaste.
"Now sir, I do hope you are here to talk business. Much as I like your company my patience does have a limit and I have traveled a long way to meet you."
"Last time you wanted to do business you threatened to frame me for the murder of Dyke Spanner. You set me up to come all the way upstate to Woodstock so you could frame me for another murder, and then you had me kidnapped before I could chew over the pros and cons of the situation. Since I got back to the City, somebody has started their own hotline to the police and one of my friends has been arrested. What on earth makes you think I would do a deal with you now?"
He shook his head. "This has been most unpleasant business, most unpleasant indeed. I do apologize, sir for all the inconvenience that you have suffered. Most wholeheartedly, I apologize, but I must protest. You really have got me all wrong. None of those things that you accuse me of are true."
"Is that right?"
He nodded.
"So who telephoned the NYPD? And maybe I dreamed it, but I sure as hell can’t get the taste of chloroform from my mouth."
"I have said this to you before, Mr. Black, but seeing as we are about to conduct some very important business I will tell you again. Firstly, I am not a gangster, nor am I a criminal. Check me out with your police officer friend, Sergeant Matthews and you will see that I have an absolutely exemplary record. I will tell you a few other things as well. I did not, nor do I know who did, kill your friend, Dyke Spanner. He was very courteous and amenable to me at all times and assured me that the diamond would indeed be mine, for a good price of course. Neither am I fitting you up for this or any other murder. I suppose in my haste I may have given this impression but it was pure jocularity and maybe a little bit of bluffing on my part, and for that I am sorry. Think about it Mr. Black, why would I want to put you in jail when there is a healthy transaction for us, $20,000 for you and the Blue Tavernier for me?
"On the subject of Mr. Ping." He flung out his arms and shrugged. "Weeny Jung Ping has been a ruthless Tong leader for many years. He is responsible for some terrible crimes alongside his mentor Mock Duck. Have you thought maybe it is Ping that is double-crossing you? And what of your partner, Mr. Wentz? I hear that he had a cross to bear with Spanner. Are you really sure that he is not responsible?
"If anything, Mr. Black, you are closer to organized criminals than I am. Like I said, I have a clean record. I am unfortunate in that I am related to the late Arthur F but you, you choose to fraternize with the Cortenes, the Tighes and the Tongs."
"Okay so we're being open, then answer me this. Why did you kidnap me?"
"The simple answer is I didn't. Who exactly did you see when you were taken? My guess is nobody, least of all me or any of my staff. And who did you see once you came around? Once again it was nobody you see here. Would it by any chance be the lovely Miss Marlow?"
My face gave him the answer.
"I will give you a friendly warning, sir. Miss Marlow is a loose canon. I have to admit I have had dealings with her in the past but I know her capabilities. Not only does she sleep with people to get her own way, she kills them if she doesn't. It was most likely her that took you in Woodstock and with the sole reason to get her hands on the diamond and keep it for herself. For some insane reason she thinks she deserves it."
"I don't buy it," I said, "Why did we have to meet in Woodstock if all of this is true? And Marlow, she maybe be a bad egg but a killer, no."
"Woodstock is my home. It is also a very good place to meet and see if you were serious about doing a deal, which I think maybe you are. And if you really don't believe me about Marlow ask around amongst your 'friends'. She is the original Tiger to Virginia Hill's Tabby."
There was a long pause in which Coward smoked a couple of Gauloise and I did the same. Eventually I smiled and his face lit up. He let out a little giggle. "Let's get down to business. Am I right in thinking you now want to do a deal?"
The kid watched me anxiously as I threw back the whiskey, coughed a little, and held up the glass. "Why else would I be here?" I replied shaking the empty glass.
Coward gestured with his large, flabby arm and once again Audrey visited the "drinks cabinet". I snatched the glass back from his firm hand and waited for Coward to speak.
"I thought as much," he sighed. "It would be most out of character for you to simply return home unawares. After all the trouble you took to evade my boys this last week." He laughed an ironic laugh. "Most out of character."
"He didn't come to do a deal, he finally tripped over his own clever ass!" shouted Audrey loathsomely. "He's not half as smart as either of you two like to think."
Coward frowned. "Oh Audrey do be quiet." He turned to me. "So rude isn't he?" He offered by excuse limply dropping his wrist, before turning back to the kid. "I wasn't by any means blaming you or any of the other boys for Mr. Black's continued elusiveness." He smiled. "I was simply pointing out the professionalism of the man we are honored to accompany. This man is a true master of his trade. Yes, you should watch and learn from our Mr. Black..."
I sat back silently as the accolades rolled on.
"...and a great entertainer, oh yes, a truly interesting man, by God. Now please remain silent whilst we talk," he added patronizingly. "We have some very important business to resolve."
The kid stomped
off out of sight in the direction of the bedroom. Watched closely by the Coward who raised a bushy eyebrow. He looked glued to the chair, his lower body not having moved an inch. His mammoth upper body hung heavily, yet dressed perfectly.
"He's a wild player young Audrey," I said aloud. "A bit of a hot head."
The fat man brushed it aside. "Oh yes, I suppose he can be a little excitable..." he said, "an invaluable employee, however. Like yourself, Mr. Black, he too is excellently adept at his chosen career." He sipped gently at his drink, his bright red cheeks shining with pride. "He's been with me since he was a boy," he glowed. "Very much the livewire in his youth, but I took him under my wing and through hard work and a lot of patience, channeled his immense talents."
He turned to face me. "Don't worry about Audrey," he assured. "He's a good boy at heart."
A short silence followed before once again we got back to the subject of importance...
"So, Mr. Black, what may I ask, is the deal that you have in mind? I don't suppose you have brought it with you?"
I shook my head. Coward shrugged and lit another cigarette.
I grinned a wolfish, toothy grin and began, "I think over the last few weeks I have come to appreciate just how much this little rock means to you."
"Oh yes, by God, it is a fine specimen. Unique in its beauty, unique in its worth. Nobody, Mr. Black, can overstate just how much I desire to have my hands on it. I will of course have the $20,000 ready for whenever you desire, in cash of course."
"Of course."
The fat man looked at me, his eyes were wide with excitement, his face shaking with anticipation. "Am I right in assuming you now have access to it? That you have dug her out of wherever it is you have hidden her and that you can bring her to me soon?"
"In return for the $20,000, plus a small favor, I will indeed bring her to you. Well to be frank it is quite a big favor, but nonetheless."
The fat man's face dropped. All the built-up joy and anticipation was replaced by frustration. "Come, come sir. $20,000 is an immense amount of money."
I stood up suddenly and picked up my hat. "You've tried pinching me once, and it didn't work. You've tried fitting me up and it didn't work. Whatever you say I know that you have not ruled out killing me as well and you know what, that won't work either. Now, if we're going to do business we do it on my terms or not at all," I said loudly.
Coward held out both chubby hands. Shocked by my short temper he waved me back down gently, a pained look on his meaty face. The kid had reappeared in the background, maybe hoping to be called into action. The portly man however was most apologetic, and soon returned his mood to one of excitement and hope.
"I do apologize, sir, by God I do." He paused. "But you must forgive me if I am a little anxious." He opened his mouth wide, showing his white teeth, before continuing, keeping a close eye on Audrey. "After all, sir, you have once before refused point-blank any sort of deal and now in spite of my friendliness you continue to hurl insults at me."
"Look if you don't want to trade, I'll be on my way." Again, I got to my feet, ignoring Audrey's advances.
Once more, the Coward relented, first waving the kid away like you would swat a fly, before gently urging me to retake my seat.
"You appear to be a little too demanding in your present position, sir, by God you do." He smiled. "However, I am sure you are a man of your word..."
I nodded solemnly.
"And I understand, though not necessarily relish, your conditions and practices. Whatever favour you require I will grant you."
The kid sighed in disgust. "Why the hell are you letting him dictate the terms? If I wanted I could pop him off right now," he shouted aiming his handgun, before making a ‘pop-pop’ sound with his lips. "He's nothing more than a punk. No deal, you hear me, no..."
My fist connected with the kid's jaw mid sentence, sending him sprawling to the polished oak floor with a thud.
Coward creased his eyes shut, wincing as Audrey hit the floor. He made no attempt to move, simply looking up as I examined my fist. "A little rash, sir, I think. The boy was..."
"The boy was a pain in the ass. Now it's quieter and unless you're going to shoot me," I eyed the tiny silver pistol the fat man now held in his left hand, "we should continue."
A big happy grin once again appeared on the man's face. He peered over his knees to check that Audrey was out cold before asking, "Okay sir, what may I ask is the bargain? Is it more money you require, I have lots of that."
I shook my head and a look of surprise filled the fat man's features. "A private detective that doesn't want more money, you never fail to surprise me, you really don't." He let out a shrill laugh. "So if it isn't money?" He squeezed his flabby lips together questioningly.
"I want a fall guy, maybe two fall guys. Tell me, are you familiar with all your boys?" the last word hung in the air dirtily.
The fat man lifted a heavy arm, the flesh hanging against the tight suit. The arms were way too short. He scratched his head, a look of nobility now on his face. He sniffed discreetly before fiddling with the spotty bow tie below his chins. "Yes, I do believe that any task on my request is to be undertaken by a personal friend. Why do you ask, sir, surely not to mock at their inadequacies?" He raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Believe me, my men rarely fail to satisfy. Not all my…" he paused, "...adversaries have your guile sir."
"I'm sure they don't," I replied. "But satisfactory or not, there's one or maybe two of your boys running around, who've done some naughty deeds. One of which interests me." I hardened my tone. "And if you want the diamond I want them trussed up and handed over. How about young Audrey here, he seems pretty handy with his toy, maybe he's my man?"
"Oh no, no no sir, you mustn't get over zealous." His sudden look of consternation was replaced by one of deep thought. He rubbed his bear-like paws together before slapping his knees. "If I remember correctly you are already acquainted with your one and only desired scapegoat, are you not?"
"I guess I am," I said. "I want him, if not the diamond gets lost again and this time it won't ever be found."
Soft murmurs drifted up from below the Coward's knees. Quickly he checked to see the kid rolling over, who was coming round, however still only semi-conscious. He edged his feet away from the kid's head, as if avoiding a nasty insect.
"However for me to hand over a prospective killer Mr. Black, well..."
"That's the deal!" I said abruptly. "I don't care whether he actually did it or not. Take it or leave it, but just in case you are thinking of using that thing," I nodded at the little silver pistol in his grubby hand.
"Oh, no no no sir, self defense I assure you," he replied indignantly.
"Well just in case you are," I smiled. "The diamond dies with me. As far as you're concerned anyway, so just think on. I'll be in touch."
"I'm sure you will, sir, I'm sure you will."
I strode out of my apartment, giving a groggy but conscious Audrey a little kick in the ribs along the way. Within a minute, I was sitting in my car going over the next move. I noticed an old Bluebird parked twenty feet back. Its occupant had long, dark hair. Hermeez appeared from nowhere and got in the passenger seat. He had a strange look on his face, almost as if surprised to see me.
"You were longer than I expected," he said. "A moment longer and I would have come looking for you. How did it go?"
I looked him over. "To plan," I answered, squinting in the rear view mirror. The other car had started up.
"And just what, may I ask, does ‘to plan’ mean exactly?" he spat, never afraid to speak his mind.
I fired up the engine and pulled away from what would always be home, closely followed by the Bluebird. I don't know why but I thought of my mother. It was a while since I'd seen her although we did try to keep in touch -Thanksgiving, birthdays, a couple of other times a year. She was a fine lady, beautiful, smart and the most loyal, brave person you could ever hope to meet. She'd got me out of so many scrapes as a boy, never once sacrificin
g her personal ethic. ‘To protect your family and friends is paramount. No matter what they do, or what adversity they face, you must stay strong and loyal. Good bonds will always be rewarded and are priceless.’
I reflected on the many lectures I had received as a kid. They didn't all get a good audience. Very few in fact would have been given any appreciation at all when given, but in time they sunk in. She was a creature of honor; a fearsome lady to oppose, but one you could always rely on. I would give her a call. Soon.
Hermeez brought me back to the present.
"What the hell is going on, Errol? Why are you being so secretive?"
"You ask too many questions, Hermeez. Leave the questions to me and everything'll be just fine."
The Bluebird had disappeared.
Hermeez leaned over the steering wheel, hauling it towards him. The car veered nastily towards the sidewalk, mounting the sidewalk. It stopped just in time to avoid a passing suit, leaving a skid ten feet long behind us. I slammed my hands on the dashboard and looked over at Hermeez.
"What the hell did you do that for?" I shouted.
"Are we doing this thing together, or not?" he demanded. His face was a mixture of anger and confusion. It was an unusual moment between us. An atmosphere hung nastily in the air, the horns and flashing lights of other cars, the heavy drum of rainfall on the roof, were not there. For a long while, we looked at each other, his dark commanding eyes not giving. My own stare was one of searching, probing, with no answers forthcoming.
The Bluebird re-emerged behind us.
I sighed and smiled, feeling a little suffocated by Hermeez's intensity. "You know me Hermeez, I like to do things my own way. You don't usually have a problem with that."
"Doing things your way I can live with. Knowing you for so long I've had to, but... if your way means not trusting your best, and probably only, friend in the whole of this world." He sighed deeply. "Is this because of Marcia?"
