“It was never like that for me, you know that, Chauncey. I never dreamed about a wedding. The only thing I’ve ever wanted you’ve already given to me.” I held out my hand and stared at the ring. “I just wanted the right man to love me.”
Chauncey’s eyes began to glisten, like my words had touched his heart. He was on top of me and when he lowered his head to kiss me, it was a fact, I was truly loved. When he leaned back, he asked, “Do you mean that, baby? Do you really want to get married without a big wedding?”
“I really mean it.” I held his face between my hands and made him look me square in my eyes. “I want to be your wife now.”
He nodded and then pulled me up from the floor. “My mother is going to kill me, but let’s do this. Let’s make this happen.”
“Really?” I squealed. “Tonight?”
He shook his head. “We can’t do it tonight because of licenses and stuff like that, but let’s figure this out. And maybe by next week at this time you can be Mrs. Miriam Williams.”
When I squeezed my arms around his neck, my plan was to never, ever let this man go, and I never would have if God hadn’t taken Chauncey away from me . . .
With that thought, I let my eyes open slowly, leaving Chauncey behind in my dreams. I stretched my arm in front of me and looked at my hand, the same way I’d done that day.
I’d been wearing the same ring, this thin band with just a chip of a diamond, for the last twelve years. I’d never upgraded, as I often heard women at the PTA and Pop Warner football talk about doing with their rings. Upgrade to what? Nothing would ever be as special as this ring. This ring that Chauncey had purchased with just the little bit of money that he’d saved from his first job as an EMT. Yes, this ring was far from the biggest diamond I’d ever seen, but it had been given to me by the biggest heart I’d ever known.
So how was my heart supposed to keep beating without that kind of love?
It had been three days since I lost him, and really, the fact that I was still breathing was a wonder to me. I was functioning, and there was only one reason why I was able to go on—Jamal.
Through it all, Jamal had been by my side. First, on Wednesday, he sat next to me and Mama Cee at the funeral home as we chose Chauncey’s casket, picked out the program, selected the flowers, and discussed how many police escorts we’d need.
Then yesterday, he was there again, explaining all the legal papers and filling out the insurance forms. He made every call, mailed every claim; there was nothing I had to do. Even last night as the house filled with family, friends, church members, and Chauncey’s fellow firefighters, Jamal stood next to me, meeting and greeting because I found it too hard to speak. He was there, even though Emily had to work. He was there, so I didn’t feel so alone.
But it was last night, when Pastor Ford asked all of us to pray, that I was truly grateful for Jamal. Even though I didn’t think there was any point in praying, I had joined the circle, bowed my head, and listened to Pastor pray. It was hard to stand there, though, as emotions rose up in me. All I wanted to do was scream out and demand answers from God. But right when I parted my lips, a hand closed around mine. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know it was Jamal. I could feel his strength and that kept me calm.
Jamal was wonderful, but he was not Chauncey. And the first tears of the day rolled down my cheek.
The knock on my bedroom door relieved me from my thoughts and when my mother-in-law peeked in, I wiped my tears away.
“I’m just checking on you before Charlie and I get going,” Mama Cee said.
“Get going? What time is it?” I glanced at the clock. “Oh, my God. I have to get the boys.” I made my move, but my mother-in-law held up her hand.
“Stay in bed. The boys are good, I made them breakfast.”
“Why didn’t they wake me up?”
“We told them not to,” Mama Cee said, as she sat on the edge of the bed.
I leaned back against the headboard. “I can’t believe I slept this late.”
“Eight-thirty is not late.” Mama Cee chuckled. “And you need to rest so that you can be strong for your sons.”
“Mama Cee, I can’t imagine that I’ll ever be strong again.”
She patted my hand. “I know it seems impossible right now. The days look dark and the nights are even more bleary. But I can promise you, as a woman who lost the love of her life all those years ago, you do make it through. One day, you’ll think about Chauncey and you’ll smile before you cry.”
I blinked, but that didn’t stop my tears. “Here you are comforting me, and I should be doing that for you.”
“Just being here with you and the boys gives me comfort.”
“I know, but I have to remember that you’re hurting, too.”
She nodded. “A mother is never supposed to bury her child. But I just hold on to the Lord and boldly demand that He hold on to me.”
Her words made me fold my arms across my chest.
“Go back to sleep,” Mama Cee said. “Charlie’s going to drop me off at Leah’s,” she added, referring to the beauty salon where she’d been going for almost thirty years before she moved to Arizona. Every time she came to LA, Mama Cee went to the shop, since she claimed that no one in Arizona could get her hair right. “And then,” Mama Cee continued, “Charlie is going to stop by to see a couple of his friends. Will you and the boys be all right?”
“Definitely. By the time you get back, the house will probably be filled with folks.”
“Okay. I have my cell if you need me,” she said before she stepped out of the bedroom.
No matter what Mama Cee said, I needed to get up and at least check on my sons. But I needed just a few more moments. Because here, in bed, was where I felt closest to Chauncey.
I reached for the pillow where he’d laid his head just four days ago and rubbed my hand across the case. Then I pulled it as close to my chest as I possibly could, and squeezed.
“Chauncey,” I whispered. “Chauncey, Chauncey, Chauncey.”
When the doorbell rang, I moaned. Even though it was almost noon, I hadn’t even been out of bed for an hour and I wasn’t ready for company. At least I was dressed, if you could call my jeans and T-shirt being dressed.
But when I opened the door, I was grateful once again.
“I should’ve known it was you.” I stepped aside so that Jamal could come in. “You don’t have to check on me every day.”
He wrapped me in his arms, giving me that morning hug that had helped me through the last three days. “Well, I’m not here for you,” he said, stepping back. My frown made him chuckle. “I told the boys last night that I would take them out this afternoon.”
“Really? They didn’t say anything to me.”
“I just kinda figured they needed a break. They haven’t been outside since . . . you know. So, I’m going to take them out to lunch.”
“Jamal, thank you!” I turned toward the stairs. “They’re up in Mikey and Steve’s room just watching TV and playing video games. I’ll get them.”
Jamal called over my shoulder, “No, let me get them ready.”
I moved away from the steps, then watched as Jamal trotted up the stairs to the room that the boys had been sharing since my mother-in-law and brother-in-law arrived. Minutes later, the boys bolted down the stairs with Jamal behind them.
I kissed them all good-bye, hugged Jamal, then stood at the door and waved at my sons until Jamal’s car was out of sight. When I turned around and closed the door, there was nothing but silence.
Last night the house had been filled with so many people, chatting, and laughing, and eating the food that overflowed. Everyone had been here to support me, but in truth, it all just irked me. Because while they continued to live, my life had stopped. But no one seemed to get that, and after a while, all I wanted was to be left alone.
But now I was by myself and this didn’t feel so good either.
I wandered into the living room and stopped in front of the fireplac
e, taking in the pictorial history that revealed just how happy my twelve years with Chauncey Williams had been. I studied the photo we’d taken after our Friday afternoon, city hall wedding, exactly one week after Chauncey had proposed.
Emily and Michellelee stood by my side and Jamal stood beside Chauncey. Thinking about the hope I had that day brought new tears and I bit my lip, trying to hold them back. I was so tired of crying.
I moved over to the photo at the other end of the mantel—the picture where I sat in a high-backed chair that looked like a throne, with all of my men holding court. The last family picture we’d taken three months ago. The final picture.
No matter how much I tried, a tear rolled down my cheek.
In the middle of all the pictures on the mantel was a stone that Chauncey had picked up on our two-night honeymoon in Santa Barbara. It was right outside the cottage that we never left once we arrived that Friday night. And then, on Sunday, when it was time to go home, Chauncey picked up this stone, saying he had to take a piece of our honeymoon with him.
When we got back to his apartment, he had painted the words: As for me and my wife, we shall serve the Lord on the rock.
Those memories really had my tears flowing now. But still, I rolled the stone over and stared at my sons’ names, which Chauncey had painted on the rock when each was born.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Chauncey,” I said, returning the stone to its place. “We were supposed to be together, forever.”
A breeze brushed over me and I stopped. I shivered, but not because I was cold. There wasn’t a single window open in the house, so where had that come from?
My eyes darted from one corner of the room to the other. Then I turned back to the pictures on the mantel and stared into the still eyes of my husband. Could that have been Chauncey?
I stood listening to the silence and waiting to feel that breeze again. But after about a minute, I said, “What am I doing?”
Was I going crazy? Was I always going to be waiting for some sign of Chauncey?
When the telephone rang, I sighed with relief. I didn’t care who was on the other end. Talking to someone who’d dialed the wrong number was better than being alone like this.
But it wasn’t a stranger.
“Hey, Miriam!” Emily sang through the receiver the moment I picked up. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” I said, perching on the arm of the sofa.
“I’m just checking on you. I wish to God I could be there with you.”
“I know, but I’m good.”
“I want to be with Steve, Mikey, and Junior, too.”
“There’ll be time for that. You have to do your job right now.”
Emily sighed. “There was so much loss, Miriam. So much tragedy.”
“It’s so sad.” I shook my head.
When I didn’t say anything for a few seconds, Emily spoke up. “Miriam?”
It took a moment for me to swallow the boulder that had expanded in my throat. “Yeah,” I squeaked.
“Oh, sweetie.”
“I just don’t know how I’m going to do it, Em. The funeral’s in a couple of days and I don’t know how I’m going to say good-bye to Chauncey.”
“You’re going to do it, and we’ll be with you. We’re going to help you through this week, next week, next month, next year, whenever you need us.”
“I know,” I sniffed, “and I can’t thank you enough. You and Jamal have been great.”
“Well, I haven’t done anything, but I’m really glad that Jamal has been able to sub for me. By the way, is he there? I wanna just say hello; I left so early this morning he was still asleep.”
“No, he took the boys out for lunch.”
“Oh, good. Where was he taking them?”
“Probably to that four-star restaurant we used to depend on in college . . . McDonald’s.”
We shared a small laugh.
“Listen, I’m on my way to the Children’s Hospital, but I’m gonna try to get to you tonight.”
“Don’t worry about me, Em. I promise you, I’m good.”
“I know you are. I was just thinking that maybe I could come over and we could read the Bible together like we used to.”
I wasn’t even going to lie to her. That wasn’t going to happen. So all I said was, “I know you gotta go, so love you!”
She sighed. “Mean it.”
Slowly, I hung up the phone, and for the first time since Jamal had left with the boys, calm covered me. Since the day we met, Emily had been a blessing. And now, both she and Jamal were the balm for my grief.
Even though it had been fourteen years, I still carried a sliver of regret for the way I’d handled Emily when she’d told me that she was interested in Jamal. I was so wrong, but my opinion didn’t matter. Nothing and no one was going to keep Emily and Jamal apart. It took some time, but just like Emily had been trying to tell everyone, she and Jamal were perfect together, just like Chauncey and I had been.
At least my friends would have their happy ending. At least that was my hope—that Emily and Jamal would grow old together and get to do all those things that I’d never get to do with Chauncey.
I stood up. People would be coming by soon, so I couldn’t sit here, reflecting. I needed to get moving.
I waited for just a moment, though, wanting to feel that breeze again. But when I felt nothing, I ambled into the bedroom. Jamal and the boys had been gone for almost an hour and I couldn’t wait for them to get back.
No matter what I thought last night, I now knew the truth. I didn’t want to be by myself.
I just couldn’t do it.
9
Miriam
My mother-in-law kissed me on the cheek and then held my face between her hands. “You’re going to be fine,” she said before she hugged me and then climbed the stairs as if her sixty-year-old bones ached.
I watched until she disappeared into the darkness of the second-floor hallway, then I turned back to the living room. When I faced Jamal I said, “Tomorrow. The funeral’s really tomorrow, isn’t it?”
When my shoulders started to heave, Jamal rushed from where he’d been sitting and put his arms around me.
Even though I tried not to, I sobbed. “I can’t say good-bye to him, Jamal.”
“I know,” he said, as we sat together. “I know.”
“Good-bye, I don’t think I can say it.” I couldn’t stop shaking my head. “Good-bye is final.”
He nodded slowly and squeezed my hands as if he understood. “I know this may sound a bit crazy”—he lowered his eyes—“but I don’t think we’re really saying good-bye.” A pause. “Because I can feel him.” Now he looked at me. “It’s crazy, I know, but I can feel Chauncey. Like he’s still here.”
Before he even finished talking, I was trembling. “Oh my God!” I shouted, startling Jamal. “I know exactly what you’re saying because I feel Chauncey, too.”
“No, I mean, I really feel him, Miriam. Yesterday, when I was driving over here, I felt like he was right there, riding shotgun.”
“I’m telling you, that’s exactly how I feel. On Friday, when you took the boys to lunch, that happened to me. Right here in the living room. And then, over the weekend, I’ve felt him everywhere. Sometimes in the kitchen, sometimes in the bedroom. And I can hear him, too. I can hear him saying . . .”
We spoke together, “Everything’s going to be all right.”
Silence followed our words and we stared at each other.
“Do you think,” I began in a whisper, “do you think that Chauncey is really here?” I let my eyes wander around the living room.
Jamal nodded. “I can’t support it scripturally, but I know what’s in my heart. Somehow, he’s here, and that’s why we won’t really be saying good-bye.”
Fresh tears came to my eyes, but not because I was sad. I was so grateful to have someone taking this journey with me. It made sense that Jamal understood. He loved Chauncey the way I had. We didn’t have a blood
connection, we had a deeper connection, on a soul level. Chauncey was my soulmate. Chauncey was Jamal’s soul brother. And we were the only two people on earth who loved him that way.
Realizing that made me reach for Jamal and wrap my arms around him. When he held me back, I closed my eyes. And he must’ve closed his, too, because he should’ve seen Charlie before we heard his cough.
It was more of a clearing of his throat, but it was enough to make Jamal and me jump back and away from each other. We’d been sitting together in the center of the sofa, but now we were on opposite ends.
“Uh,” Charlie said when I looked up.
I felt like a teenager who’d been caught.
“Uh,” Charlie said again. It wasn’t much of a word, but at least he was saying something, because Jamal and I were mute.
Then Jamal sprang up from the sofa. “I’m going to get out of here.” He grabbed his jacket. “Is there anything you need before I leave?”
“Nah, big bro,” Charlie said, calling Jamal by the name he’d called him since childhood. “We’re good. And you’ve been here all day, so just go on home.”
Jamal nodded and barely looked at me when he said good night. Still sitting on the sofa, I watched Charlie walk Jamal to the door.
“Tell Emily I said hello,” Charlie said, a bit loudly.
When my brother-in-law came back into the living room, he asked, “Are you all right?”
“I’m good.” I nodded. “Finally, I think I’m really good.”
Charlie peered at me as if he was waiting for more, but I didn’t have another word or ounce of energy to give to him. All I did was give him a good-night hug and then go into my bedroom. It didn’t take me long to lie down and close my eyes. And for the first time since I lost my husband, I slept straight through to morning.
But now that I was awake, neither the comfort of Jamal’s words nor the comfort of his arms around me last night had followed me into this morning. All I felt now was dread.
I peeked up at the clock. Even though it was just after six, there was no time to wallow in grief. I had to get myself and the boys ready for our ten o’clock good-bye.
Never Say Never Page 8
