“It’s a job, yes ...” Her first surprise overcome, Janet leaned forward anxiously. “For Heaven’s sake, don’t act like a fool, Kay, I know you’ve had a bad deal, I know how worried and upset you are about everything, but you are speaking of something vital, irrevocable ... you haven’t agreed ... you haven’t accepted such a preposterous proposal?”
“I’m writing to him now ... to say I can’t.” Kay’s voice was scarcely above a whisper and Janet had to lean further forward to catch her words.
“I see ... oh, Kay, darling, I’m so sorry.” There was a world of sympathy in Janet’s voice. “I didn’t mean to be beastly just now but, honestly, I thought for a moment you might be contemplating such a step, and it was for your sake, because I mind so much about your welfare, and perhaps being so much in love myself I know what it means. I want you to have that happiness too, I don’t want you to throw yourself away on just anyone.”
Kay smiled wanly. “Peter Raynal isn’t just anyone ... the whole female staff of St. Jude’s would rise in protest if they could overhear you say that!”
“That’s true enough,” Janet agreed, and her brow puckered into a frown, as she continued: “I suppose he is a wonderful catch ... I know if it weren’t for Martin I could fall for him myself, in fact before I knew Martin, the great Raynal used to quicken my heartbeats quite a bit, and I freely confess that in my Pro days, I used to think he was the answer to a maiden’s prayer—and I was the maiden!” She paused, suddenly aware that Kay was no longer listening. In an effort to distract Kay from her reverie, Janet became serious again. “You have always been the one to stand aloof...” She gave a short I laugh. “One might almost say the only one who hasn’t admired him, it seems too strange that with girls round him like bees round a honey-pot, he has to go and pick on you ... ironical I call it.”
Although Kay was apparently heedless of Janet’s words, their meaning had penetrated her consciousness, so deeply, that like a sudden flash in darkness, they lit the hitherto shadowed recesses of her mind. It was true that she herself had never sought Raynal’s favors, had been scathing of the open adulation shown him by the other nurses, and in an effort to express her own disapproval of what she considered undignified, she had gone to the other extreme and had barely shown him civility. Ruthlessly destroying the last shreds of pretence, Kay boldly faced the truth. Perhaps it hadn’t been entirely disapproval of the nurses’ attitude, but a deep, unacknowledged jealousy, a resentment of their ability to express their feelings openly which, with her natural reserve, she would have found impossible. Kay realized now that she had deliberately fanned the antipathy between herself and Raynal, doing everything in her power to show an indifference which she did not feel.
“You’ve gone so silent, Kay, what are you thinking about?” Janet laid her hand gently on the hump in the bedclothes made by Kay’s knees. “What is it ... why are you so desperately quiet? You mustn’t worry so much, you have only to write him ... he’ll understand, he’ll realize that you couldn’t tie yourself to someone for whom you don’t care a snap of the fingers.” Her voice was reassuring.
“I ... I was just trying to work things out ... trying to get straight with myself ... you ... you see, I ... I believe I do care about him.”
“You what!” Janet had just recovered from the shock of Kay’s first revelation only to be faced with this. For a second she struggled for words to express her amazement, then burst out “You aren’t trying to tell me that you are in love with Peter Raynal! Why, it’s fantastic, ridiculous!” She laughed, but there was a scornful ring in the sound. “You are in love with what marriage with Peter Raynal would mean—you admitted that you’d marry anyone—now, you are trying to kid yourself you care for him in order to justify yourself. Don’t be a fool, Kay, write and refuse, as you said you were going to do, and put this mad notion out of your head.”
“Please, Janet, listen ... I’ll try to explain, try to make you understand. When you spoke to me a few minutes ago, everything became clear. I’ll be truthful with you, it’s only fair. Last night when Raynal made this proposal, it took me aback, you can well imagine that.” She laughed mirthlessly. “At first, he just spoke of marriage, you see he has adopted Christine now, he told me he intended marrying for her sake. It was obviously the best thing, not only for the child but for him too, I shouldn’t think he gets much comfort despite his means—and yet his suggestion shocked me ... In my heart I knew it was an excellent plan, he might have had some ideal girl in mind, but even then I found I couldn’t applaud the idea, I just couldn’t tell him with any enthusiasm that I agreed. I didn’t know then—but I know now...”
Kay faltered and her voice became scarcely audible as she went on. “I was madly jealous, I hated the girl who was not only to look after Chris, but to be Raynal’s wife ... I’ve resented all the attention he has had in hospital because I was jealous and my pride made me want to be different.” Kay looked up, and encouraged by Janet’s expression of sympathy, she continued. “I didn’t know all this—I swear I didn’t—not until this moment.”
“Of course, it all sounds too absurd.” Janet frowned in perplexity. “But maybe you are talking sense after all. Perhaps there is something in what you say, perhaps you have been trying to delude yourself ... I’ve often wondered whether your attitude towards Raynal wasn’t just a pose. No, don’t interrupt me!” she begged, as Kay made a gesture of protest. “I don’t mean a deliberate pose on your part, but viewing things from a dispassionate angle, you must agree that Peter Raynal isn’t the sort of person one dislikes. You are such a reserved person, you were probably unwilling to admit the truth of your own liking for him, even to yourself. Your constant bickering with him has acted as a kind of sop to your pride. You pretended to believe that you were different from the others, whereas in actual fact, you were every bit as keen on him as they were and had succumbed as completely to his charm. The main difference is that you hadn’t the pluck to admit or show how much you liked and admired him.”
“You make me sound awful,” Kay protested. “I’ve told you I didn’t really realize all this, at least, not until a few moments ago and then, in a blinding flash, I knew that I cared, and cared desperately.”
“I believe you,” Janet hastened to reassure her friend. “But I don’t see why this should change everything. If you really care for him, why shouldn’t you accept his proposal? You’d be a fool not to do so.”
“It would be a deception that way and I love him too much for that. He kissed me last night ... it did something to me, I couldn’t understand my own feelings at the I time. He moved me so deeply that I was almost frightened. Robin used to kiss me, but all the time it was like being kissed by a brother ... quite, quite different.” Kay choked back the sob which trembled in her voice. “I shall have to write to Raynal to tell him I’ve changed my mind. I was ready to marry him before I realized I loved him, but now it would be impossible,” she ended dejectedly.
“I don’t see that at all. The idea of marrying a man for what he could give you, sounded altogether too cold-blooded and for you to do such a thing, certainly shocked me. But if you care, then it seems the most reasonable and natural thing in the world.”
“I’d marry him willingly even if he hadn’t a penny in the world and there wasn’t a prospect of a home of our own for years...” Kay stopped short, then added: “If he cared for me too.”
“I take it then that, despite the kiss, the offer was purely businesslike?” Janet asked.
Kay laughed mirthlessly and there was a note of bitterness in her voice. “Entirely businesslike, I assure you. It would not really have been difficult to accept if I hadn’t cared, in spite of your horror of the idea. I could have carried out my side of the bargain, but now I couldn’t bear it...” Kay’s voice broke and she buried her face in her hands.
“Kay ... Kay, darling...” Janet laid a consoling hand on her friend’s arm. “Don’t distress yourself so ... I don’t see your reasoning now, honestly I don’t ...
you’ll be near the man you care for, be able to find happiness in all the little things you can do for him, and who knows? ... one day you may find that the business aspect has become a thing of the past and he’ll love you in return. Anyway, why hurry to write? I think you ought to give yourself more time—leave it over for today, think about it, see him again ... Please do that ...” Janet paused. “You see if you write, it’s final, you’ll have lost him for good, Peter Raynal isn’t the type of man who’ll beg favors, he’ll accept your decision, he won’t ask again. Give yourself a chance to view the thing in its right perspective, it will give you all the things you’ve longed for and seemed so ready to accept without the one thing that mattered—love.”
“One-sided love.” Kay’s lips twisted into a sad smile. “I can’t do it ... I’m going to write.”
Janet slipped down from the bed, “I’ve got to go now, I daren’t stay any longer or I’ll be late.” She lingered for a moment at the door. “I wish I had been able to influence you,” she added wistfully. “I’m sure you ought to give yourself time.” Opening the door, she spoke again. “If only I hadn’t to rush off ... but perhaps I’ll see you for a few moments later when you come over to see Mrs. Somers. Cheer up, darling, please don’t worry too much, I’ve a feeling everything may turn out all right in the end.” But despite her effort to put confidence into her words, Janet’s tone lacked conviction.
As the door closed behind her friend, Kay picked up the discarded pen and propped her writing case against her knees. She must write now, quickly before she changed her mind. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she began to write ... how difficult it was ... she didn’t even know how to address him. Then suddenly her eyes brightened and a sad, tender smile curved her lips as she wrote. “With regard to my application for the post as Sister, I regret...”
CHAPTER TWENTY
As Kay left the hospital that morning following her visit to her mother, her knees trembled so much that walking was difficult. The porter at the entrance gave her his customary greeting, but her acknowledgement was mechanical and it was doubtful if she had even been conscious of it. As she crossed the courtyard she glanced up at the clock; the rusted hands pointed to noon and in her imagination its ugly, weathered face leered at her, jeering at her weakness. The effect, however, gave her the stimulus she needed, and squaring her shoulders, she hurried forward towards the tall, grilled gates. Mentally she had said “goodbye” to that wretched clock six weeks earlier, but this time, she promised herself, it really would be “goodbye” and she felt a childish inclination to put out her tongue at its hideously chipped face. If there hadn’t been another reason in the world, she told herself foolishly, that clock alone would have been enough to send her flying to Raynal’s arms. The hysterical thought sobered her, and with an effort she steadied her quaking knees and hastened towards the gate.
Peter Raynal’s car stood waiting, its long black and chrome body reflecting the light from the sun, and as she hurried forward, he alighted and held out his hand with a welcoming smile. “Right on time ... it’s a lovely afternoon and we should have a pleasant run down.”
Kay was thankful that he hadn’t attempted a more intimate embrace than a handshake, with the possibility of someone she knew passing by or curious eyes looking from the windows. She was glad when she was safely in the passenger seat and the hospital quickly lost to sight Raynal was certainly doing his best to put her at ease, and apart from an impersonal remark here and there he made no effort to draw her into conversation until the West End was left behind and passing up Finchley Road, the car turned on to the by-pass.
“I left Christine behind as Miss Biggins is coming to spend the afternoon with her—you remember, her own form mistress. Chris is somewhat disturbed now as to whether Miss Biggins will be flattered or otherwise to find the puppy named after her!” Raynal laughed. “I explained that one really couldn’t foretell the lady’s reactions but I left her hoping for the best.”
Kay laughed in response and it was easier than she had anticipated, the fresh air and sunshine were rapidly dispelling the doubts which had previously assailed her. She was so close to her companion that as his hand moved the gears, his coat sleeve brushed her arm—so near and yet so far! But in that proximity she became more sure of her love, it was no longer a mere belief but a heart-thrilling truth. Janet had been right. Whatever the outcome of this marriage, she must face it. No price would be too high to pay, no risk too great, no heartache she was not prepared to suffer, rather than let him go. There would be heartaches, Kay realized that only too well. Chris would bring love into her life, but Kay had to admit that Peter Raynal’s indifference would be forever like a festering wound.
Lunch in a small hotel on their route started off as a cheerful and carefree meal; Raynal seemed determined to keep the conversation light-hearted and impersonal, until it suddenly struck Kay, not without dismay, that he was in fact behaving as if nothing had happened, as if their conversation of the previous afternoon had never even taken place! Kay was aware of a sudden choking sensation in her throat and the food on her plate seemed dry and tasteless in her mouth. It was difficult to swallow and with a nerveless gesture, she gave up the struggle. Was this deliberate, did he want to forget, had he regretted that impulse, was this his way of telling her that she was to forget his mad proposal?
“Had enough, Kay? ... You’ve eaten nothing.” There was concern in her companion’s voice. “Shall I try to get you something else? Would you prefer something cold?”
“No thanks. It’s quite all right, sir, I’m just not hungry.”
“Don’t you think you’d better drop the ‘sir’?” Raynal was smiling at her quizzically. “It is going to sound very odd when you are my wife!”
A flood of relief engulfed Kay and at that moment she knew beyond doubt that if she lost him now, there would be nothing left to live for. The conditions of her marriage were as nothing, there was no barrier too difficult to face to gain the right to spend her life at his side.
“What’s the matter, Kay?” The smile had left Raynal’s lips and his voice sounded anxious. “You seem distressed.” For a second he rested his hand on hers as it lay in her lap. “Tell me ... I would far rather know the truth now, before we go any further, have you any regrets?”
“No, I haven’t.” Kay spoke decisively, but her lips felt dry and bloodless.
“That’s fine!” Raynal spoke with forced levity in his effort to ease this momentary, and to him inexplicable note of tension. “Then let’s be more cheerful...” He drew out his cigarette-case. “Have a cigarette and say ‘Thank you, Peter.’ You’ve got to get used to it, you know!” His eyes were smiling again as the lighted match which he held for her, illuminated his clear-cut features.
“Thank you ... Peter.” Kay spoke like an obedient child, but his smile was infectious and, as she drew at her cigarette, she found herself laughing. “I’m sure I’ll slip up over that, but I’ll get used to it in time.”
It was a good hour’s driving before the car turned into the drive of ‘Chudleigh’ and from the moment the house became visible through the trees of the thickly-wooded garden, Kay was wrapped in ecstatic silence. It was beautiful, exquisite. Her heart beat faster as the low, white building came fully into view and Raynal braked the car on the gravel drive. For a few moments he made no move to descend and Kay had time to look around her. It was not a large house, not as large as it had at first appeared; architecturally it was severe, two-floored with a pillared portico above the central doorway. Masses of trees, just beginning to show the varied tints of autumn, formed a colorful background, Nature’s contrast to the white squareness of the house. A sweeping lawn, like shadowed velvet, broken by an ornamental stone sundial, fronted the entrance; beyond that, as far as eye could see, were beds of massed chrysanthemums, a riot of color against the wooded hills beyond. To Kay, it was if the house were some clean-cut jewel placed with infinite care in a perfect setting.
“You like it?”
/> Raynal’s question brought Kay back from her reverie and it was easy to give him the assurance for which he was so obviously longing. “It’s perfect!” Kay smiled up at her companion. “Even that description is wholly inadequate, I think it’s the loveliest place I’ve ever seen!”
“It’s just as lovely inside.” As Raynal spoke, he descended from the car and walking round the bonnet, held the door for Kay. “But you must see for yourself.” Raynal had not exaggerated and as Kay walked through the shaded rooms, with their half-drawn blinds, she was conscious of a surging joy. It was obvious that every detail had been chosen with loving care; it was indeed the most exquisite home she had ever seen. Her delight was not untinged with sorrow when she recalled the man who had planned this home, who had never had his hopes fulfilled, his dreams realized ... Impulsively she turned to her companion. “You were so attached to your brother, will it hurt you to live here ... knowing now he must have treasured it, how proud he must have been...?” Her voice trailed away.
“On the contrary—it is what he would have wished. His wife was not in the least interested in antiques, like many women she didn’t understand them and so long as she had comfort—and I suppose a fair amount of luxury—she didn’t really mind. Few people have a real eye for furniture ... but you see my brother always hoped that one day Chris would share his love of old furniture and works of art and it would please him to know that it is to remain as he planned it.”
Kay paused before an oil portrait hanging in the gallery, formed by the turn of the polished oak stairway. “Surely this is a painting of you ... some years ago I suppose?”
“No, it’s my brother, we were twins, you remember.” He paused. “It was taken down after he was killed, his wife couldn’t bear it; I had it replaced, somehow it seems to belong.” Raynal slipped his arm beneath Kay’s and walked slowly by her side down the wide stairway. “I have asked the caretaker to get us tea, let’s come along and see if it is ready.”
Peter Raynal, Surgeon Page 21
