I shook my head, fighting the emotion building inside of me. I let out a weary breath.
“Gray.” His low voice, barely audible to me, took a few seconds to register.
Say something, I commanded myself. “I, uh…”
His penetrating stare willed me to respond.
God, had I totally blown this chance by getting too comfortable with Daniel? Maybe I should have selected a different doctor, a stranger who wouldn’t look at me with understanding, pity, and dreamy midnight blue eyes. But, a different doctor, I was sure, would only cause me to close up further. If I was ever going to take a leap of faith, it was now or never. “What I want…is to be happy. What I want…is to feel somewhat normal.” I looked down at my hands when he leaned forward in his chair, listening intently. “I want to know that when I speak, my words are genuine…and from my heart.” I turned toward the window once again, focusing on the tops of the tall trees. “I want to stop seeing things that aren’t there…things I know are not real.” My shallow breathing caused my voice to shake. “I want to let go of the past, once and for all so that maybe… I can find a way to move on.”
My words, like a blanket of fog, hung in the air.
Daniel’s unreadable expression puzzled me. “I know that wasn’t easy for you, Gray. And I believe you mean what you’re saying.”
“But?”
“But, if I’m going to see you and work through some of these things with you, I need a couple of…reassurances.”
He greeted my suspicious gaze with raised eyebrows, and an arrogance that affected me in a perplexing way. “What…‘reassurances’?”
“You have to promise me that you’re going to be honest…always.”
I opened my mouth in protest, but it was merely a reflex.
“I’m not saying you have to tell me anything you don’t feel comfortable talking about. If you’re not ready to share something, say so. But, if you choose to answer a question, you must respond truthfully and thoughtfully.”
“I get it; you don’t want to waste your time.”
“Gray…I don’t want to waste your time either.” An imperious voice commanded my attention; compelling eyes bore into me, not allowing me to escape. “And I genuinely believe that if you trust me…I can help you.”
Yeah, not a problem, except for the fact that I’d never trusted anyone in my life. “So, what else?” I asked, attempting to turn this into a business negotiation.
“You have to be committed to this. I’d like you to make our sessions your priority. It’s the only way this will work.”
“Fine.” Was I really doing this with him?
He tucked his chin down as if to say my answer came too quickly. I kept any evidence that I was impressed from my face. “I won’t blow this off, Daniel.”
“You’re sure?” He held back a triumphant grin, but I caught the light in his eyes.
“Daniel, I think we both know I can’t guarantee everything you’ve expressed here. But, I can tell you I’ll try. I can promise you that.”
He leaned back in his chair and crossed one leg over his knee. “That’s good enough for me.” He gave me a small smile, but I didn’t return it. “I can see you’re still struggling a bit. Try not to worry too much. We’ll take it slow at first.”
“I understand. And I appreciate all that you’re offering here. It’s just that…” I hesitated to verbalize my thoughts.
“Do you have other concerns we haven’t addressed?”
Besides the fact that I’m dreading how you’ll look at me when you see how crazy I am? “Yes, actually. I don’t understand why you’re doing this. You seemed so against it when I asked you. What changed your mind?”
“I don’t think that should be our focus here.” I couldn’t read his expression or determine whether or not he was hiding something. “You said you want to make some serious changes in your life. I believe I can help you do that. I’d say that we’ve made somewhat of a breakthrough here. Wouldn’t you agree?”
It was possible he was right. I didn’t need more to worry about. “I would.” Then, I nodded with a smile.
CHAPTER 10
--------------------------
At four AM, I woke up with an instant feeling of dread. I turned on my side, staring at the clock and willing myself back to sleep. My thoughts were already on the day ahead, so my attempts at sleep were futile. It was Friday. Not only was my first session with Daniel set for six that night, but Aunt Becca had a meeting with her lawyer at two. I offered to go with her; thank God she said no. Her messy divorce from Harvey was about to get messier. I’d predicted from the beginning those two wouldn’t make it, no matter how compatible they seemed. As much as the twins annoyed the hell out of me and made my life miserable growing up, I still felt obliged to be on their side. It’s what my mother would have wanted. I couldn’t help but wonder if she were still here if she’d have made any impact on those two…or me, for that matter. Already in her teens when Grandma had them, she didn’t have many years to influence their lives. My heart ached for what could have been, what she could have done for all of us. She was sweet and pure and loving, and the three of us got shorted that experience. Maybe if she’d been around…
I popped up in bed, clearing the depressing reality from my brain. What would be the point of going over it again? I laughed at myself when I realized the point would be made clear when I started seeing Daniel. I had to get used to hashing these issues out if I intended to keep my promise.
I threw on some yoga pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt and at five AM, I texted Alyssa. I told her something big and furry was outside her door, and she’d better come out quickly.
“Are you fucking insane?” she whispered when she opened the door.
“Language, babe,” I said, to make it official. I handed her the pink fluffy slippers she’d left at my place a week ago. “How else would I get you out here at this hour?”
“Well, I was hoping for a kitten.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I did some mini jogging in place. “C’mon, go for a run with me. You could use the exercise.”
“Are you calling me a fat ass?”
“No, I’m calling you a lazy ass. Plus, you need to get ready for P.E. when school starts back up.”
“Don’t remind me. I’ve got orientation today.”
“C’mon, it’ll be great. Now, get dressed. Is your mom still asleep?”
“Is Madonna a senior citizen?”
“Um…no.”
“Oh. Whatever. Hang on.” She shut the door, and five minutes later emerged in a pair of black ratty sweats, an oversized black pullover sweatshirt, and tennis shoes that looked like a semi ran them over…multiple times.
“You’re going to run in those?”
“What? They’re my P.E. shoes.”
I shook my head, laughing inwardly that one of my best friends wasn’t even old enough to drive.
We entered the newly awakened streets as the sun broke through the mist. I steered us toward the walking path about a quarter of a mile east of our building. We speed walked more than we jogged, talking half the time. She told me about a fundraiser she was helping Jessie with for the Leukemia Society. We talked about a horror movie she was dying to see, that I refused to take her to.
“I’ve got enough disturbing images floating around in my head already.”
Alyssa stopped abruptly as we entered the dirt trail. “Is that why you’re seeing a shrink?” she said to my back as I slowed.
I turned with a hand on my hip, breathing out hard, the sun beginning to penetrate my skin. “What do you know about it?”
“I know enough.” She folded her arms and stayed in place, a good five yards away.
“Oh, yeah? Tell me.” It took a lot for Alyssa to get me angry, but I felt my face heat further than it already had from the run.
She hesitated a beat before speaking. “I know you’ve been seeing some lady. What’s wrong, Gray?” Her voice turned desperate, and my heart sank
. “Why do you treat me like a little kid and not tell me things?” Her face looked to the side. Even with the distance, I saw her eyes glaze over. I shuffled over to her.
“Hey…since when do I ever treat you like a little kid?”
She didn’t answer, only shrugged her shoulders and then swiped at her eye. I put an arm around her and pulled her into me. “Look, I’m fine. I just needed to work some things out.”
“Why can’t you talk to me about stuff?”
“Maybe I should have. That lady was sort of a hag.” I felt her giggle against me. I pulled away slightly to see her face. “Hey, you know you’re my best girl. There are just some things that I have trouble talking about… to anyone really.” I didn’t even like talking about the fact that I couldn’t talk about things. But, I wasn’t about to let Alyssa feel confused or sad. She needed me to be strong for her.
“I don’t want you to be sad.” Her torn shoes gritted in the gravel as she escaped up the path. “I don’t want you to be like…”
I jogged to catch up to her. “Your mother?”
She increased her speed again, and I struggled to keep up with her until we were both in a neck and neck sprint. We whizzed by a woman walking two Chihuahuas who yapped at us. My leg muscles pulled taut at the unfamiliar strain. After a minute or two of shoes pounding on hard dirt, I yelled, “Alyssa, stop! You’re killing me.”
We both slowed; I doubled over, resting my hands on my knees. Alyssa walked slow circles around me. “I can’t make her happy. I can’t make you happy. I don’t make anyone happy.”
I huffed out more air and straightened, waiting to catch my breath. “If I wasn’t so tired…I’d kick you in the ass for saying that.”
“It’s true…I guess.”
“It’s so not true. What about Jessie? You sure as shit are making her happy. And don’t you know you’re one of the few bright lights in my life right now?”
I’d never said anything like that to her before, and her face showed she was as surprised as I was. Our relationship had started out slow. We’d only become closer in the last six months or so. Her cheeks puffed into a slow grin. “Really?”
“Don’t get too excited. You’re still a pain in the ass.” I held my hand out to her. When her fingers reached mine, I squeezed them. I gave her a smile and a wink before slowly walking again. “And just so you know…instead of the hag, I’ll be seeing Daniel for a while.” I glanced over my shoulder to where she stood with her mouth open. She skipped to catch me.
“Oh my God, are you serious?”
“Don’t make a big deal out of this, Alyssa.” Before she could answer I added, “And don’t talk to Jessie about it.”
“I won’t, but holy crap!”
As we walked in silence, I hoped we would fade into another subject. But, Alyssa’s intent eyes and puckered lips told me her mind was a swirl of possibilities.
“Seriously?” I said, trying to grab her attention.
“What…I just really…like him.”
“Great,” I said, defeated and regretting telling her.
“He’s so sweet to Jessie. She adores him. Man, I’d love to have an uncle, or a dad like that.”
“Okay, enough already. Let’s go.” I broke into a slow jog. “We don’t want you to be late for orientation.”
* * *
After we returned, I saw Alyssa safely into her apartment with a hug and a tug of her hair. Then, I went back out for a quick coffee run before settling down to my computer. Daniel had texted that he was emailing a form with some questions about my background. Halfway through filling it out, my fingers wandered me into a file I hadn’t visited in months. My last entry had been short, the wording bitter and exasperated. I fed Dr. Wallace an embellished story about my father embarrassing me in the school parking lot freshman year when he had shown up drunk. Her reaction was the same as all the others. A measured nod and a prompt asking how I felt at the time. I wanted to tell her the disdain I felt for my father at that moment slightly surpassed what I felt for her right, then having to stare at the strained button of her blouse, pulling from her hefty breasts. Seriously, you can afford to buy something that fits. The thought of sending Daniel the entire file crossed my mind briefly. Writing or typing my thoughts and feelings was a whole lot easier than verbalizing them. If he could read some of the things I couldn’t say, it would help us both. Better yet, why couldn’t we conduct the sessions via social media chat? Safety lay behind my computer screen and away from those killer eyes. From his x-ray vision attempting to see into my soul.
At three-thirty, my doorbell rang.
“Shit,” I mouthed with my eye pressed into the peephole. Becca’s husband, Harvey, stood glaring at me as if he could see my dark hazel peeper through the glass.
“I know you’re there, Gray. Open up.”
Worried he’d frighten my neighbors, I slipped the chain through the slot and eased the door open. “What you do want, Harvey?”
My skeptical gaze landed on the gold cross resting between the collar of his Redmond’s Auto Repair shirt. “Hey, there she is.” He shifted his weight back and forth across his feet like a tennis player. His agitation unnerved me, and my stomach knotted. “Sometimes I forget how freaking gorgeous you are. Too bad Becca didn’t get those genes.”
“I’m sort of in the middle of something here.” I wasn’t about to ask what happened at the meeting today, but it couldn’t have been good.
“C’mon, open the door. I just want to talk for a minute.” He rubbed his hands together while he swiped his head up and down the hallway.
“Look, I’m sorry about you and Becca, but I probably shouldn’t talk to you about it. Why don’t you send me an email?”
Harvey pushed his face into the small open space I’d made with the door. “I’m not going to send you a fucking email,” he said with quiet intensity. His short dark hair stood tall and frizzy as if his outburst caused it to shoot straight up.
Panic rose in my chest as I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Alyssa due home from school. Harvey backed away right as she reached the top. He threw on that disgusting smile he used on me way too many times. “Hey, kid.”
“Hey,” Alyssa said in passing. She turned toward her own door, not noticing me from my position.
Harvey caught my reaction, gave me a demonic grin, and then turned back at Alyssa. It wasn’t a time to test his unpredictable behavior. I knew he’d shoved Becca around a few times no matter how much she denied it. He took a step in her direction, but I had the door unlatched in an instant. “You stay the hell away from her!”
They both stopped, gaping at me with their own surprised looks.
“Gray, what’s going on?” she asked anxiously.
“Go inside, Alyssa.”
“Why. Who’s this guy?” she said with a tough jerking thumb.
I would have admired her spunk if I wasn’t worried about her safety. If anything ever happened to her because of me, I don’t know how I’d go on. “Just an old friend.”
Harvey glared at me and then smiled at Alyssa. “How’s it going, kid?”
“Enough with the ‘kid’ crap. I’m almost sixteen.”
“Sure, kid. Whatever.”
“Alyssa, I’ll talk to you later.” My voice, along with a determined nod, was insistent enough to get her to grab her door handle.
“Sure. See ya.” Disappointment floated across her face, but I couldn’t worry about her feelings.
Harvey and I stay planted in our spots until Alyssa closed the door. I shook my head and then led him into my apartment.
“It’s been a while,” he said, closing the door behind him.
I still regretted the day I let him in my place. His body shop had fixed my car, and he’d come to drop it off, saying his friend would drive him back. Sure, I was being nice. Becca always hated my attitude toward the grease ball. The fact that I had no money to pay him was as good a motivation as any to turn things around. Unfortunately, Harvey mistook my new posit
ive demeanor and demanded another form of payment from me.
“You know I always had a thing for you,” he’d said casually as if we were two singles having a drink at a bar.
My protests fell on deaf ears. I’d soon found a groping hand sliding up the back of my thigh. We struggled briefly before a knock at the door startled him into defeat. His friend had shown up sooner than he obviously expected.
I wasn’t up for a repeat performance today, so I went to the kitchen and stood with vigilance next to my drawer of knives. “I really do have somewhere to be.”
“Becca’s killing me over here, Gray.”
“I’m sorry, but that’s really none of my business. Please, don’t involve me.”
“Don’t involve you?” His voice had that quiet tempered tone as he slinked toward me. “You involved yourself when you lied to Becca.”
Hell yeah, I lied. I wasn’t about to tell her he’d come on to me. “I didn’t lie,” I said, sounding braver than I felt.
“You told her I was cheating on her, and now she’s on the war path. She’s trying to get my fucking garage!” A tight fist landed on the table across from me. I fought not to flinch.
“Harvey, listen. I don’t know why Becca thinks you’re a damn cheat, but I’d be willing to bet it’s true.”
He shook his head, put his hands into his pockets coolly, and took a few steps closer. “You don’t know shit.”
My throat closed with his proximity. I set a hand on the drawer’s knob. He leaned in and said in a wispy soft tone, “Look, all I’m asking is that you get her to back off a little. Tell her you aren’t sure now.” He stretched his lips into a grin and spoke amicably. “I don’t want any trouble. Wouldn’t it be better if this whole thing ended without any issues?”
Compulsive (Liar #1) Page 7
