His hand landed on top of mine as it rested in my lap. “Could be all of the above…but it was more than that. I think we both know that by now.”
My gaze went from our touching hands to search for his eyes in the dim light. When I found his doing the same, he spun back to the road and returned his hand to the steering wheel. “The most important thing now is not why I came, Gray, but why this happened. I hope we’ll be able to talk about that. It’s why I suggested my place.”
A short time later, we pulled into Daniel’s driveway and into an almost empty two-car garage. I’d felt more centered the last few minutes, so I immediately opened the door to get out. As soon as the air and light hit me, my head floated, sending the area around me to spin. I grabbed the side of the door, hoping Daniel hadn’t noticed.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, coming around to my side, watching me like I was a fawn testing her new legs.
“Like I’m riding the Ferris wheel above Woodstock.”
He led me inside as the big door closed behind us. A strange, familiar sensation came over me as we entered, and I took in the place Daniel called home. A place that appeared to be the exact mix of masculine bachelor and modest elegance I’d pictured in my mind.
Stepping down from the tiled entry onto the plush carpet, my four-inch heels sank, causing me to wobble for the umpteenth time of the night. Daniel turned and caught me by the elbows, my fingers wrapping around his firm biceps through his shirt. His confident gaze mesmerized me into a willing submission that left me speechless and waiting for his lead. Leaning in as he pulled me closer, he said, “I think you better take those off.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“Your shoes.” He smiled, glancing down at my feet. “Why don’t you slip them off and leave them by the door? We wouldn’t want you to fall before we get some coffee into you.”
“Right. Thanks.” I left one hand attached to him and used the other to reach down and slip off a shoe. My disappointment waned some, being replaced with the relief of being off those stilts. Just as I clicked the other heel off, a four-legged brown monster trotted up to me from around the corner.
“Stay down, Granger,” Daniel said authoritatively, pointing to the floor next to the dog. He released me and patted the dog’s head.
“Cute name.”
“Jessie picked it out. She was very much into Harry Potter when I got him from the pound.”
My heart almost couldn’t take the warm domestic image of Daniel rescuing a pup, bringing it home, and playing in the yard with his niece. At the same time, I wondered why he wasn’t married…or if he was divorced and hadn’t mentioned it. Granger left our side and ran to the back door.
“He needs to go out. I’ll just be a minute.”
“No problem.” I shrugged, looking around.
“Make yourself comfortable in the study. It’s that first door there.” He gestured to a room off to the right. “Can I bring you back that coffee?”
“That’s the last thing I want. I mean…no, thank you. I’m fine.”
I wandered toward the room, taking in as much as I could along the way. Every picture, every knick knack, even the color on the walls had some sort of meaning to Daniel, and I examined each piece of the Daniel puzzle as he had done me with my own words.
The study, similar to his office, housed a modest desk, a smaller window, and bookcase that featured more casual reading instead of volumes of psychiatric material. Though it was dark, my first instinct sent me to the window. As suspected, I was met with blackness. A large sheet of thick paper at the base of the wide sill caught my eye. On the page was an unfinished drawing of a billowing tree seemingly fighting against the wind framed by a shadowy sky. I imagined it in the distance beyond the windowpane before turning my attention to another drawing on a nearby side table. A penciled sketch of a large dog, likely Granger, with sweet eyes and long ears drew me in. I stared at it for several seconds before recognition hit me. I recalled seeing a sketch fall out of Daniel’s bag that time he was with Jessie at the hospital. That must have been a drawing of her. Another endearing and sensitive side of Daniel revealed. I wasn’t the only one to keep parts of myself hidden.
The phone rang in the other room where Daniel was, kicking me out of my reverie and back to discovery. I moved to the desk as Daniel said hello after the second ring. I caught a glimpse of his leather case sitting in the chair, open with files in view. Without hesitation, my hands flew to the files, pressing by each tab until I saw the one with my name on it.
A jittery hand hovered above the notepad in my file. Did I really want to see what Daniel thought of me? His professional opinion about my mental and emotional issues didn’t necessarily define how he felt about me personally. His voice filtered in from the next room, and I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. I snatched it quickly out of its spot, my eyes racing down the first page, which had that puffed-up effect from multiple pages being turned over. It struck me as odd that he’d used paper without lines on it, and the writing on the first page stopped halfway down. The words were typical biographical stuff… boring…nothing telling. I shot a check at the doorway and back to the pad before I flipped the first page over.
What I saw caused my heart to jump and practically erupt in my chest. My eyes gaped at the unbelievable image on the page. It was me, standing in front of the window in Daniel’s office. Confusion poured over me as my eyes took in every detail of the penciled sketch. Blinking, I flipped to the next page, my pulse racing with fear he’d walk in any moment. Another image appeared on the paper, this one a close-up. Did he do this with every patient? The expression on my face portrayed sadness, a touch of longing, perhaps. I wondered what he thought and felt as he sketched the details of my face. The only thing I knew for sure was that Daniel had talent, and these drawings were so beautiful and touching I didn’t know how I’d be able to act like I hadn’t seen them.
I flipped to the next page to find another sketch of me sitting on the couch with my arms wrapped around my bent knees. The risk to keep looking didn’t stop me; the images and their possible meaning sucked me in. Then, I heard Daniel call Granger, which meant he was probably off the phone. I heard the back door slide shut. I flipped the pages back to the front and stuffed the pad back into the file. What if this was all just a crazy hallucination? What if this was how Daniel got to know his patients? In haste, I rummaged across a few more files peeking in to see if I could locate any other sketches. Forms, type written papers, and handwritten notes were the only things I found.
Heat flushed my skin as I skirted around the desk and over to the window. I picked up the sketch of the tree and leaned against the small ledge of the sill as Daniel walked in holding two water bottles.
“We have to get you hydrated.” He offered me a friendly smile along with a bottle. “Since you turned down the coffee.”
I decided not to be offended at his babying and accepted the water gratefully. “Thank you.”
His eyes shifted to his desk and back to me. The exchange unnerved me because I couldn’t tell if he was nervous about something or I’d simply read what I emitted myself. After seeing those images, I’d never be able to look at him the same. “Please…have a seat, and we can talk.”
“This is beautiful.” I’d almost forgotten about the image I held. “You’ve got a real talent.”
His hands went to his hips. An adorably shy smile played on his lips before he turned his head to the side. “More like a hobby.”
“You’re being modest. That’s Granger, right?” I gestured to the other image.
“Yep.”
“It’s amazing.”
“It’s not a big deal, really. Sort of my own therapy, I guess. I do it to relax…or when something inspires me or when I want to get a closer, more intimate, look at something.”
Those words sent an electric current to work inside me, and I was sure my cheeks colored before his eyes. I remained immobilized and speechless until he reached out a
nd took hold of the paper in my hand. “Like this one,” he said, breaking the spell. “I’d been watching this tree from my desk one afternoon, amazed at how it stood its ground against the wind.” He set in on the desk and turned back to me. “We’re getting sidetracked. I’d like to talk about tonight.” He pointed his arm toward a chair and looked at me expectantly.
I folded my arms and shook my head. “No…sorry, I can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
“If you want to talk, it has to be somewhere different. This is too much like your office, and I didn’t get dragged out of the Blue Moon for psycho-analysis.”
“It seemed to me you couldn’t get out of there fast enough.” Then, after a sidelong glance, he added, “But, there’s no reason we have to talk here.”
I followed him to a cozy, faintly lit living room where Granger sprawled out on the hearth in front of the fireplace. I passed Daniel and went through the living room, stopping in front of French doors with windows on the top half. Unlike the other window, light from the outside revealed a spacious backyard, and from the position of the house, a likely spectacular view of rolling hills beyond his property.
“What a gorgeous view you must have.”
“Thank you. What a talent for avoiding discussion you have.”
“I could get lost in the hills up here.”
“Is that what you were trying to do tonight?” He’d come up behind me, speaking his words quietly next to my ear.
“In a way, that’s what I’m always trying to do. Tonight was different, though. I know being with Kevin would have been a huge mistake.”
“Is he dangerous?”
When I didn’t answer right away, he took me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. “Answer me, Gray. Is he dangerous?”
I couldn’t deny how my body reacted to this side of Daniel, but I wouldn’t mislead him intentionally. “He could be dangerous, but Nathan and I know how to handle Kevin. We’ve done it before.”
His hands fell from my shoulders. “Is that what you were doing tonight? Handling Kevin?” The fury in his eyes took me by surprise.
“It was a coincidence. He showed up; I was there. Old habits die hard, I guess, and he caught me at a low time…I didn’t want to be alone on this day.”
Daniel tore his gaze from me, seemingly grappling between therapist and man. Or, he’d simply been disappointed in me. Either way, I scrambled to explain. “I realize now how stupid it was…not only because he’s a complete low life, but also because he wasn’t what I needed.” That was enough to get Daniel’s attention back to me. “None of what happened tonight was what I needed. Not the drinking, not Kevin, not even Nathan.”
“I can’t help but think you don’t know what you need, Gray. Until you face—”
“No. That’s not true.” I took a step toward him, closing the short distance between us, never taking my focus off him. “What I needed tonight, I couldn’t have.” I ran my hand up his arm, over his shoulder, and to the back of his neck.
Daniel’s eyes darkened before panning down to my mouth. His chest rose and fell prominently between us. My breath caught, and my pulse raced with anticipation. That moment hung in the air for what seemed like forever until he reached for my wrist, pulling it from his neck but not letting it go. “You don’t know what you’re saying right now.”
Frustrated, but keeping myself in check, I said, “I knew it then…and I know it now.”
“We shouldn’t be talking about this, especially not now.” Daniel had a tougher than usual time concealing his emotions. “Not after tonight. You can’t solve your problems like this. You can’t keep trying to cover your pain with pleasure.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.” I paused, knowing I sounded like the liar I was, but hoping my calm, determined words would get through to him. “I know that’s how I used to deal with things. It’s how I reacted tonight, but it doesn’t work anymore. Don’t you see? Tonight showed me that. You showed me that.”
He released my hand, pulled from our connection, and walked to the fireplace with a loud exhale. “Even if you really believed that…even if it were true…it doesn’t matter.”
“What? How can you say that?” He left his back to me as I spoke and walked over to him. “What…I’m so broken you can’t even consider I know my own feelings? You can’t even acknowledge there could be something between us?”
His hand landed hard on the mantel as I neared him. Then, he looked at me over his shoulder. “Dammit, Gray…you’re not broken!” Granger looked up with concern. Daniel turned toward me, softening his anger. “You’re not broken. You’re beautiful and incredible…and sad and lost.” He touched my face with gentle hesitation. “And you entrusted me to help you find your way. But, not like this. It can’t be like this…no matter what I want.”
Equal parts of relief and desire filled me from his last words. He could push me away, but he’d admitted he wanted the same thing, and that was all I needed…for now. “I called you tonight because I needed you. Because I wanted you. But, I hung up because I was too afraid to tell you that. Kevin was waiting, and I didn’t know what else to do. My father had called me right before. Tonight of all nights and all the blackness and hurt and anger came flooding back, but I knew if you were there, I could handle it all.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you sooner. But, I don’t understand. What do you mean ‘tonight of all nights’? And what does your father have to do with it?” He took my shoulders in a firm grasp. “Please, Gray. If we’re ever going to get past this, you have to talk to me.”
“I know. I’ve done everything I could to avoid thinking about it. To avoid reliving it all over again. It doesn’t matter, though, because the pain is still here.” I grabbed his hand and stuck it to my chest. “So now, I have to get this out. I’m going to tell you why I hate my father and how he ruined my life.”
CHAPTER 23
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Daniel took my hand and led me to a dark brown leather sofa. “Is this okay?” He hovered over me as I sat. “Can I get you anything?”
“I’m fine. Let’s just get this over with.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry. You’re being very sweet. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Gray. I want to be here for you.” He stepped toward a chair on the other side of the coffee table and started to sit. “Whatever it takes.”
“No,” I said, catching him in time. “If we’re going to do this, I need you closer to me.” I scooted to the side and laid a hand on the cushion next to me.
Silently, he conceded my request and came to sit on the corner spot of the couch. I gave him no choice and nudged up against him. When I heard no protest, I began.
“When I was in the fifth grade, there were only two things I cared about: my baby brother, Noah…and school. My grades were decent, but more than that, it was a place to feel normal. My favorite subject was science.” I turned my chin up to check Daniel’s reaction since I hadn’t shared many personal preferences before. He gave me a small, encouraging grin. “The science fair had been coming up, but Dad had been gone so much that he couldn’t help me. Not that I really ever expected him to, but I needed to get the materials. Anyway, my aunt Becca took me to the store, and with two days before it was due, I finally had begun what I planned to be the coolest battery-operated volcano.
“I went to work at the kitchen table, trying to keep Noah, who was around three at the time, out of my hair and out of trouble. Dad was in the backyard, smoking a cigarette. The older I got, the more he just assumed I was in charge of Noah.” I glanced over to Daniel to see if I was boring him yet.
“You must have felt very alone with all that responsibility,” he said.
I ignored the comment, plowing through the story. “Usually, I was patient with Noah, but the pressure of the project got to me; it was harder than I’d expected. He kept saying he wanted to help me, but he was just a distraction.” A smile esca
ped me, seeing Noah’s sweet face as he pulled random items from the kitchen drawers asking if I needed them. It faded just as quickly thinking of my reaction. “For once, I was doing something for me, and I hoped for it to be great. When he spilled water on the table, I snapped at him. Then, I yelled at Dad and told him to watch Noah in the backyard, so I could get my project done.”
I readjusted myself on the couch and took a deep breath. I hadn’t thought about these details in years. I’d only told one other person the story, and I’d done everything I could since it happened to avoid thinking about it. Now, I was reliving every painful instance.
“Gray…are you all right? What are you thinking?”
“I’m fine. It just feels…strange. Sometimes, I would convince myself it was all a horrible nightmare. That’s probably why I found it so hard to say out loud.”
“That’s exactly why you need to talk about it. To acknowledge it happened, and whatever it is, you will learn to move on from it.”
I folded my arms, feeling a sudden chill. Daniel’s arm came behind my head to land across my shoulders.
“About half an hour later, I was finally starting to make headway on the project. I remember hearing my stomach grumble and realizing it was past Noah’s lunchtime. Guilt crept in because I’d let so much time pass. I’d worried Noah was hungry too. I stood on my tiptoes to see out the window what they were doing. All I could make out were Dad’s feet at the end of our bench swing. I should have known he wouldn’t bother playing with Noah, let alone see if he was hungry.
“I grabbed a juice box and a bag of crackers and headed out back. I figured he could snack out there, and I could try to finish. Anger hit me fast when I opened the back slider and saw Dad passed out on the bench swing. Some of this part is fuzzy, but I remember yelling something as I paced over to him. The yard felt impossibly quiet. Anger turned to fear quickly as I glanced around looking for Noah. I shook Dad’s shoulder, and he roused slowly. ‘Where’s Noah?’ I asked. He sat up, rubbing his hair and then his chin. ‘I don’t know,’ he said before standing. ‘Maybe he went into the house.’ I don’t remember answering him, but I knew I’d have seen Noah come by the kitchen.
Compulsive (Liar #1) Page 16
