“No. I think it’s time. It’s been four years, Alexa. I need to start living my life again. Everything has revolved around her since she left me and I’m okay with that, but now…well, now I need to start living for me again. I need to move on.”
“No you don’t damn it.” Alexa is yelling at me. She never yells. “She’s getting married for God’s sake and she doesn’t love him. She’s never loved him. It’s always been you. It should be you!”
She’s getting married. I can’t believe Alexa told me that. I can’t believe Mac’s getting married. She’s not supposed to tell me things like this, personal things about Mac’s life. It was part of our deal, her deal anyway.
“What do you expect me to do about it, Alexa?”
“I expect you to fight harder, to find her. You are so close to finding her and you don’t even know it.”
“Then tell me. Break your damn rules and tell me! Otherwise, let her get married and live happily ever after. Decide what you want to do, what you want me to do. Then, call me back.”
I hang up because now I’m pissed. How in the hell does she expect me to find her without telling me where she is? It’s not fair to either of us. I can’t walk into her life now and expect her to walk away with me. Can I? No. I can’t. I won’t do that to her.
My phone rings. It’s Alexa calling back. I don’t’ want to answer it. I don’t want to hear her voice right now. I can’t handle any more information. I need to process the things she’s already told me.
“Don’t say anything, just listen to me for a minute. I need to process the things you’ve already told me and I can’t do that if you feed me more information. When I came home from Myrtle Beach this summer I had decided to move on with my life, to let her go. I hadn’t found her and I figured I probably never would. Now she’s getting married and it sounds to me like you are hoping that I break up the wedding. Well, that’s not going to happen. Not intentionally. I will not plan to ruin her day. So, no more information for right now. I can’t take it. I’m going to hang up. I will call you when I’m ready to talk.”
I take a deep breath and listen, in case she has something to say. I hear her sigh and then the line goes dead. She gets it. Thank goodness for small miracles.
“Roe.” Erica’s overly annoying voice brings me back to my present hell. “I want to hang out with you tonight, not a bunch of other people. Can’t we do something, just the two of us?”
“Sure.” I say, giving in.
School’s back in session and I couldn’t be happier. It’s a welcome distraction from everything else that’s been going on. Erica is on my last nerve. I’ve been contemplating calling Alexa back but I don’t really want to know if Mac’s gotten married yet or not.
If she has, it will break me. If she hasn’t it will break my resolve to leave her alone and let her find happiness. I’m torn. I want to know, for my sanity, but at the same time I don’t.
I throw myself into my classes. I’ve always loved this school. Stanford was my dream school and when I got in, I couldn’t have been happier. They have one of the best law school programs in the state and it was important to me to stay in California.
At first, before I met Mac, I wanted to stay in California so I could stay within driving distance of home, in case Sara needed me. Then, after Mac, it just in case she came looking for me. Neither is important now. Sara doesn’t need me like I thought she would. She’s independent, a lot more like my mother these days. And Mac, well she never came looking for me as far as I know.
It doesn’t matter. I love Stanford and don’t regret my decision. The school is everything I was looking for. Not to mention, the Bay area is a beautiful place to live.
Erica is pressuring me to go to the opening football game this Saturday night. I’ve never been to a game. I’m not much for big events like that, but we are playing Berkeley this weekend, and it’s expected to be one of the biggest games of the year. Plus, I’m trying to be a good boyfriend these days.
Erica and I made our relationship official a few weeks ago. It’s part of me moving on. She doesn’t know that. She thinks…well, I’m not exactly sure what she thinks, but she has to know that I’m not in love with her. She’s said the words to me but I’ve never said them back. I don’t want to send mixed signals, any more than I already am.
I give in to her pleading and agree to go to the game. She does that thing where she bounces up and down and her boobs jiggle. I’m starting to think she knows how much I enjoy watching her boobs jiggle. It always leads up to the bedroom anytime she does it. I guess I get rewarded for giving in. I’m fine with that.
So, now I’m waiting on Erica. She was supposed to be ready fifteen minutes ago. The game is starting soon and I’m sure parking is going to be a mess. She needs to hurry the hell up. I was hoping to grab some food beforehand but I guess I’ll grab something at the game.
As that thought crosses my mind, Erica joins me in her living room. She’s dressed for a party, not a football game. I shake my head at her outfit but she doesn’t notice. I would say something but it would mean waiting another hour for her to change.
“Ready?” I ask.
“Yep. Let’s go before all the good parking spots are taken. I don’t want to have to trek too far in these boots. My feet will start to hurt.”
Maybe you should change them then? I want to say it. It’s on the tip of my tongue but I hold back.
We ride to the game in silence. It takes up a while to find a place to park and it’s about as far from the entrance as possible. Ii laugh to myself as Erica huffs when I pull into our spot. She doesn’t say anything, but I can tell she’s not happy about it. I don’t care. I didn’t see anything closer and I was sick of driving around.
As soon as we’re through the gates I head to the concession stand for some food. My stomach is growling at me but nothing looks even remotely appealing. I opt for a cup of coffee and grab one for Erica as well. I turn to find that she’s not standing where I left her.
I start walking around, searching the crowd for Erica when I see her. She’s standing alone, looking around for someone. I almost drop the coffee I’m so stunned to see her. She looks beautiful, just like the last time I saw her.
I’m starting to regret wearing my Stanford sweatshirt. It’s chilly out today and my arms are covered in goose bumps, but I’m sweating just thinking about talking to her. I’m nervous. This was not planned. I have no idea what I’m going to say to her. I never thought I would find her.
I take a step in her direction, never taking my eyes off of her. She turns towards me and our eyes meet for the first time. I see the surprise on her face. I see the uncertainty. I try to smile at her, but I can’t seem to close my jaw. My mouth dropped open at some point, probably from the shock of seeing her.
I watch as some douchebag walks up behind her and places his hand on the small of her back. Oh hell no! No one should be touching her but me. Shit! That’s probably her fiancé. I don’t care. I have to talk to her. This might be the only chance I get.
He says something to her but she ignores him. She doesn’t break eye contact with me. Then, Erica steps in front of me and blocks her from my view. Without thinking about it, I hand her both of our coffees and step around her. I take a few steps toward Mac and don’t stop until I’m standing right in front of her.
“You need to back the fuck up,” douchebag says from behind her as he pulls her away from me. Mac’s eyes have left mine, they’re staring at my chest and she’s frowning. I don’t like that she’s frowning.
I know how to change that. I reach down and place my hand under her chin. When her eyes meet mine I feel her body shiver. I can’t help but smile at the affect I still have on her. God knows she still affects me.
“Mac.” I can’t control the way my voice says her name. It’s barely audible, coming out on a breath.
“Look, asshole. I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but you need to take a step back. MacKenna tell him.” Douchebag i
s getting upset. I don’t really care and it looks like Mac isn’t paying any attention to him anyway. She’s still staring at me, looking in my eyes, into my soul.
Her eyes close and her body shivers again. I wait for her to say something. I need to hear her voice, to make this all real. When she opens her eyes, they drift from me to Erica and back again. I watch as douchebag tugs on her arm. He better not be hurting her.
Mac looks torn. Then she speaks and I think I’m in heaven. Her voice is like hearing the angels sing. It’s been too long. Too long since I’ve heard her voice. Too long since I’ve seen those beautiful eyes looking at me like they are right now. Too long since I’ve felt her love or shown her the love I have for her. This changes everything.
“Roe.”
MAC
It’s really him. He’s standing in front of me. Close enough to touch. Close enough that I can smell his aftershave. I want to reach out and touch him, to make sure I’m not seeing things. To prove to myself it’s really him.
“Roe,” I breathe.
I’m about to lift my hand when Wes pulls me back. I feel the anger vibrating off of his body. He’s squeezing my arm tighter than necessary. This is a new side of him, one which has never shown itself before. Then again, he’s never had to deal with the powerful force, the pull Roe has over me. Even after all this time.
I yank my arm out of his grasp and take a step forward, towards Roe. “It’s fine,” I say without turning around to face Wes. I don’t want to see the look he’s giving me right now. I don’t care.
“Roe, who the hell is this and why are you looking at her like that? Is this her?” I look over at blondie who looks like she wants to punch me even more now that she’s figured out who I am. Way to go. You’re smarter than you look.
“Mac.”
I can’t help closing my eyes when he says my name again. It’s like my heart started beating again for the first time in years. The weight of my decision lifts off my shoulders. When I open my eyes, he’s still staring at me with love. God, I missed that stare. I missed that grin. I need to see it. Just once.
I smile at him and reach out to take his hand. I’m rewarded. That grin, that sexy-as-hell grin, appears on his face instantly as he takes my hand. My heart stutters when our hands connect and I revel in the feel of the warmth of his hand surrounding mine.
For a second, everything around me disappears and it’s only me and Roe. Nothing else matters. Not the time that’s gone by. Not the way we left things. Not the fact that I walked away from him. Nothing matters except the two of us in this moment. He found me. I found him.
Then, Wes steps up behind me again and yanks me away from Roe. Anger flashes in Roe’s eyes the second Wes touches me. He’s trying to contain it, to not let it overshadow what’s really happening right now, but it’s not working. He’s angry.
“Mac. Who the hell is this guy?”
Shit! I forgot I never took Alexa’s advice. I never told Wes anything about my past or about Roe. I was always afraid he would walk away. Right now, that’s exactly what I want him to do. I want him to walk away.
“Wes, this is Roe.” I say it like he should know who he is and what it means but I know he won’t understand.
“Okay…”
I guess I am going to have to tell him now. I really have no choice. This is not exactly the way I had planned it, obviously. This might actually be better. He might be able to see clearly how I felt about Roe, how I still feel about him. Maybe he will back out gracefully?
“Roe and I met and fell in love when we were seventeen. I made the mistake of letting him go because I was scared he wouldn’t be able to handle my world.” I still can’t say the word cancer after all these years. “That vacation I take every summer. I’ve been looking for him.”
I don’t take my eyes off of Roe the entire time I’m talking to Wes. I want him to see how sorry I am. I want him to see how much I love him, still. I want him to know I’ve been looking for him.
“Um, okay. So, what? Now you’re going to leave me for some guy you met a long time ago? Is that what’s happening here? We’re supposed to be getting married in less than a month, MacKenna. What am I supposed to tell our friends and family?”
Is that what’s happening? I lift my eyebrow at Roe, wondering what his plan might be. He smiles at me in return, a sign that I’m sure means I should say yes. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I can end things with Wes like this.
“I need to talk to Roe. Alone.”
“I will take that as a yes, then.” I feel Wes step back and I’m positive he’s walking away from me. I turn to look at him and I see how heartbroken he is.
“No. That’s not what it means at all. It means that I would like to catch up with Roe. Is that alright with you?”
Why am I trying to save this relationship? I’ve found Roe. Isn’t that what I’ve wanted all these years? Now I’ve found him.
Wes looks skeptical but nods before walking away, leaving me alone with Roe and blondie. Roe is watching Wes walk away, a sour look on his face. Blondie is staring at me with a sour look on hers. I have a feeling the world has shifted slightly.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” I’m talking to Roe but I’m not taking my eyes off of her. If looks could kill, I would be dead right now.
“Erica, I’ll be back to pick you up later.” Roe says over his shoulder, as he grabs my hand and we head towards the exit. He doesn’t even wait for her answer.
I hear her scream “don’t bother” and I’m sure Roe heard it too, but he doesn’t stop walking and neither do I. I’m focused on two things right now. One is how good it feels to have Roe holding my hand right now. The other is the fact that we are about to be alone together for the first time in years and I’m scared of what might happen.
What will we talk about? Is he still upset with me? He didn’t look upset but he might be harboring a deep hatred for me that I can’t see. What if he doesn’t want to talk at all? I’ve only been with one other person besides him, Wes. Will he want that?
We don’t talk the entire walk to his car. We don’t talk the entire drive to his apartment. Now, we’re sitting in his living room and we’re still not talking. The silence is killing me. I want to say something but I don’t know what to say. I want him to say something, but I don’t know what I want him to say.
“I’m sorry.” That’s the best I can come up with.
He turns to face me on the couch and takes my hand in his. “You think I’m looking for an apology?”
“I have no idea what you’re looking for but I feel like I owe you an apology at least.”
“You don’t owe me an apology. I get it. I got it then and I get it now. I didn’t like it and I think we’ve wasted a lot of years apart that we could have shared making new memories, but I don’t want you to apologize for your decision.”
“What do you want then, Roe?”
“You. That’s all I want. For the rest of my life. All I want is you, Mac.”
I close my eyes, and when his hand finds my cheek I can’t help but lean into it. I feel his breath on my face and as much as I want to kiss him, I know it’s wrong. Then, he surprises me by kissing me softly on the forehead before resting his forehead against mine, trapping his kiss.
“I’ve waited so long to know you weren’t mad at me. You have no idea how glad I am to hear that you don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you, Mac. I love you too much.”
“I love you, too.”
“God, I needed to hear that,” he says as he releases a deep breath.
“Where do we go from here? I’m engaged and it looks like you have someone in your life, too. If she’ll take you back, that is. She looked pretty pissed.”
“I don’t want her to take me back. As for you, that’s your decision. I won’t make it for you. If you love him…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence and I know why. He doesn’t want to hear me say that I love Wes. Honestly, being here with Roe m
akes me doubt that I ever loved Wes. He was a stand in. A stand in who I almost married. Shit! I almost married him.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but in a way I do love him, yet it’s nothing compared to how I feel about you. No one will ever compare to you. I can’t imagine loving anyone else as much as I love you.” I pause to make sure I haven’t broken him with my words. He looks unaffected after hearing that I do, in fact, love Wes. “I want you to know I regret my decision to leave you. I’ve regretted it every day since I left you. I know I can’t go back and change things. I know I hurt you. I can’t undo any of that. What I can do is promise to never leave you again. You will have to leave me this time.”
“Good luck with that. I told Alexa that if I ever got you back I was going to hold you against your will if I had to. I was never going to let you go again. And so you know, I’ve never stopped loving you.”
My body went rigid after I heard Alexa’s name. He’s been talking to Alexa? She didn’t tell me. Why would she not tell me that she’s been talking to him? Why would she keep that a secret from me? If she knew where he was all these years, why would she not tell me?
“Mac? Are you still with me?”
“Yeah,” I croak out. My throat has gone dry and I’m not sure if I will be able to speak.
“Let me get you something to drink. Wait here.”
I gulp down the water Roe brings me and try to figure out what I’m going to say to him once I find my voice again. I’m not sure I can find the words to describe how betrayed I feel right now, by both of them.
“Better?”
“I think so.”
“What happened? Where did you go?”
“Well, I got lost in thought when you said that you had talked to Alexa.”
Roe’s face goes pale. He must not have realized he said it. Well, the cat’s out of the bag now. I have questions and he is going to answer them.
“How long? How long have you been talking to Alexa?”
Roe ducks his head and stares at his hands as he twists them together. “Since you left me.”
Take a Gamble Page 12
