by Lily White
Sitting in an old metal chair that was rusted at the feet and listing slightly to the left, I laid my head back against the side of the house and squinted my eyes against the harsh afternoon sunlight.
My back hurt from bending over engines all day, but I savored the pain. The minor aches and muscle pulls were nothing compared to the emptiness I felt inside.
If anything, to feel pain at all was a blessing. It filled that hollow part inside me that had rotted away to dust in the months following my family’s disappearance. In the years following, the helpless, panicked breath I’d forced myself to endure when reality came crashing down blew away all that dust until I was left with nothing.
In the fourteen years I’ve spent alone, the emptiness and misery were the only things left inside me. But now there was a spark of something else, a spark I wanted to extinguish before it built into something hot and fierce, something that threatened to burn me from the inside out.
I felt worry. I felt concern and a twinge of need. All for a girl I had no business knowing.
Where the hell had she been this past week? Had her family found out she’d been with me in the woods? Had they done something to her as a result?
Unable to handle the possibilities that buzzed in my head like a swarm of angry hornets, I pushed myself up to my feet and paced over the packed dirt and weeds that littered the land surrounding me. A noise sounded in the distance, branches cracking together causing the leaves to rustle in the wind.
Spinning on my heel, I fought against the feeling of relief that nagged at me. She’d finally shown. Maggie was safe and okay. The feeling was unwelcome because it wasn’t Maggie I should be concerned about. The only thing I knew anymore was the need for revenge, that and the acceptance that I would die as well when I finally had it.
No. Not die. I was already dead. I would just finally stop breathing.
But still, that relief was a pinprick of emotion and light cutting into the darkness that filled me, so when I spun expecting to look at the small, brunette beauty I’d waited to see for the past week, my heart twisted into knots at the sight of a set of squirrels angrily chattering as they chased each other along the threshold of the woods.
Disappointment stepped in to take relief’s place.
Scrubbing my hand along the stubble on my jaw that I hadn’t trimmed in so long it was becoming a full beard, I cursed under my breath and kicked at an errant rock that sat in my path. “Fuck, Maggie! Where the hell are you?”
“Right here.”
I spun again, the dust beneath my feet kicking up into a cloud around me, my eyes finding and settling on a small, young woman who stared back at me with worry behind the greenest eyes I’d ever seen.
“Maggie.” Nine parts relief and one part concern, her name fell from my lips as I stepped towards her, my hands clenching into tight fists when she stepped away in response.
“Maggie?”
Her eyes were directed to the ground at her feet, her body covered by a thin yellow dress that hung midway down her thighs. With shoulders naked to the sun except for the tiny straps that held the dress on her body, she stood motionless before me, a discolored ring of skin on her left bicep drawing my attention and igniting my wrath.
“What happened?”
I’d growled out the question, instantly regretting allowing my anger to bleed out into my voice. I needed to attract Maggie closer, not push her away, but I couldn’t help the rage I felt towards the men that raised her. Biting off another hissed curse, I shifted in place fighting the urge to storm over and shake her, to force her to look at me.
Seconds passed in a thick soup that churned between us, the heat scalding my skin red and the air trapped from entering my lungs because it was too thick to breathe.
“Nothing happened.” A whisper. A plea. A blatant lie wrapped up in those two simple words.
I was finally able to take a breath. It wasn’t a deep one, and it did nothing to settle my nerves, but it was a breath nonetheless.
“I don’t know what to say here, Maggie. I’ve been waiting for you for a week. I’ve been worried. And I can tell just by looking at you that something happened because the glitter and hope I normally see behind those eyes of yours is missing.”
Her gaze shot up to meet mine.
Taking that tiny bit of eye contact as an invitation to move closer, I stepped forward like I was approaching a timid rabbit ready to bounce away at any second. What would I do if Maggie ran from me? How would I get to the Crows if I didn’t have her to lead me?
The truth was I could go in with guns in hand and level them all before they knew what the hell had struck them. I was dead already, wasn’t I? It didn’t matter if I made a scene or left evidence all over their land and house. I didn’t plan to walk away once I’d ended each and every one of them. What did it matter how I approached them?
A small voice inside reminded me it mattered because shooting them would be too damn easy. A quick death wouldn’t return to them the pain and anguish they’d forced on so many others. It wouldn’t cut them all so deep that their minds shattered before their bodies took that last gurgled breath. There wouldn’t be time for the begging and screaming, the anger and torment I wanted them to suffer because they had already made me suffer in that way.
Her voice hitched when she admitted, “I can’t come over here again. I shouldn’t be here now, but I wondered -”
Holding her stare, I stood stock still not daring to move and lose what little chance I had at keeping her close. This poor girl was caught in the crossfire between three evil men and the newly born psychopath they’d created when they stole my family away.
“You wondered?” Prodding her gently, I forced the anger from my voice and replaced it with what I hoped was the same velvet texture I’d used to seduce Katelyn when I was young.
This poor girl. This poor, unfortunate pawn.
Shy desire filled her eyes, hope and longing a flicker against the green that sparkled within the heavy rays of the sun. She believed me when I was soft with her. She wanted me when I pretended to want her. She became lost to me, making it obvious how innocent and naive she was. I was taking full advantage and I wouldn’t go easy on her simply because I knew what I was doing would destroy her.
The Crows had destroyed everything good and pure in me, and I’d promised the phantom memories of my wife and son that I’d return the favor.
“I wondered if you’d actually be waiting for me.”
My lips pulled into a charming smile, my shoulders rolling back as I dared another step in her direction. “Of course, I am. You’re worth waiting for.”
Close enough to touch her, I pressed my fingertip beneath her chin to tilt her face up to mine. “Don’t you know that about yourself?”
A slight shrug of her thin shoulder was followed by a heartbreaking confession. “Nobody’s ever waited for me before. I’m always left out.”
Knowing what those men did, I had to wonder if it wasn’t a good thing she was left behind. There was a small chance she didn’t know what her family did in the shadows. Her potential innocence is what made my using her to get close to them all the more vile.
But I couldn’t let that be a problem. I couldn’t let it become something that kept me from delivering every ounce of pain I’d promised.
“Hey, Maggie?”
Her eyes blinked, the black lashes that framed them fanning out across her skin before the green was returned to me. “Yeah?”
“Am I still a secret?”
Her full lips pulled into a hesitant grin, her voice a whisper on the wind when she answered, “Yes.”
Not missing a beat, not taking the chance that I could lose the connection I had with her in that moment, I leaned in until our lips were inches apart. Her breath brushed across my face and I smelled the same rose scented shampoo in her hair when wisps of it were caught and danced in the breeze.
“How long do I have with you before you go home?”
Possessively curl
ing my fingers over her hips, I pulled her closer until our lips barely touched. Her breath left her lungs in shallow huffs, her heartbeat so erratic and strong that I could feel it against my chest. Dropping my voice to a dangerous, low tone, I spoke against her mouth when I asked, “Will you stay with me for just a little while?”
I didn’t kiss her, didn’t want to move until I knew she wouldn’t take off and leave me a distant memory staring at her back as she ran away.
“Will you?”
Maggie breathed out.
I breathed in.
“Yes,” she answered.
Our bodies melted together.
“Come with me, beautiful. Let’s go somewhere we can’t be seen from the road.”
Twisting around, I narrowed my gaze to stare off into the distance. The road was nothing more than a faint, shimmering line from where we were standing. I turned back to him with confusion wrinkling my expression.
“I’m not sure anybody can see anything from all the way over there.”
I felt his fingers grip mine before he tugged me along. Without bothering to look back at me, or respond to what I’d said, Elliot led me to the abandoned house, around a corner, and to an old decaying chair that was propped up against the wall.
The feet of the chair sank down into the sand when he dropped his weight into the seat. “Come here.”
My heart threatened to tear through my chest. Inching backwards, I stared at Elliot, my breath coming out short and spastic. I’d never felt fear like this before. Not even when I heard those women screaming at my family’s parties and understood what those screams meant. This was a new kind of fear, a kind that caused sweat to mist across my skin and make it sticky. The kind that made me lightheaded and dizzy.
Crooking his finger to dare me to approach, Elliot smiled like he knew how frightened I was. The heat behind his eyes gave away the fact that he didn’t care, and the way his eyelids lowered until they hooded over the grey made it clear he’d chase all those fears away.
“Come here,” he cooed, “we don’t have all night.”
Air rattled over my lips, my legs trembling beneath me. What the hell was I doing with this man and why hadn’t I told him to leave me alone like I’d planned on the walk over?
The past week had been the worst. My father had gone about his business like nothing happened, but my brothers took it upon themselves to keep me within sight.
They were always cruel when it came to me, but their attention was amplified over the past few days, their minds filled with suspicion. I didn’t know if it was boredom on their part or the fact they’d seen Elliot out on the side of the road the day he first showed up, but I hadn’t been given an inch of wiggle room until they both took off to visit with friends.
They told my dad they’d be gone for the night and I took that to mean something awful was happening at another house in a neighboring town. Guilt flooded me for feeling relieved they were gone when I knew that some other person might be losing their freedom or life.
If my father wasn’t involved, I might have turned them in years ago just so I would be able to escape. My conscience was too full of guilt, too full of pain to sit silently while the monsters my brothers had become preyed on the helpless and unwilling. But what choice did I have? I didn’t want to hurt my father. He’d loved me with everything he had. He’d provided for me and protected me. He just never learned to let me grow up, spread my wings and fly.
Because of that, I worried for any person who tried to be my friend. Especially Elliot. If my brothers found out I was here with him now, I knew they’d try to kill him.
“I don’t think this is a good idea, Elliot. It’s probably best I go back.”
He stood up, inching his way forward as I inched farther away. It killed me to move away from him, but touching him would destroy every bit of my resolve. I wanted this more than anything I’d ever wanted in life, but to protect him, I had to leave.
Holding his hands up in placation, Elliot looked concerned. “Where did you go just now, Darlin’? Just a minute ago you were right here with me and now -”
“Now, I think it’s best I walk away,” I answered, pain woven into every word I spoke. “I don’t want to get you in trouble, Elliot-”
“You’ve already gotten me in trouble,” he grinned, his perfect white teeth flashing in the sunlight, “just not in the way you might think.”
God, he was so beautiful. And he was such a … man.
Thanks to the wonder of dirty books, I knew a thing or two about the difference between men and boys. Men were strong and reliable; whereas boys were flaky and selfish. Men knew what they wanted and took it; whereas boys were fickle and mercurial.
A true man knew how to treat a woman so that she found herself lost to all the emotions he created in her; whereas boys might make a woman’s heart sing, but they could never make her go weak in the knees.
My knees were so weak at that moment they were knocking together – which meant that Elliot was definitely a man.
“Plus,” he argued, still inching his way closer with careful, measured steps, “you can’t get me in any more trouble than you already have. I’m a secret, remember? There’s nobody else that knows about me other than us.”
Waving his finger back and forth between our bodies, he drew my attention to the motion of his hand as he snuck closer. By the time I looked up into his eyes, he was near enough to reach out and pull me into his arms.
After stumbling over my own feet in an attempt to pull away, I finally stopped the struggle. He wasn’t going to let me go and I didn’t want him to. There was no point fighting it.
Elliot smiled when he realized I’d given up trying to run away.
It seemed like I’d spent my entire life doing the wrong thing, and now that I was trying to do something right for a change, this beautiful man wouldn’t let me.
His feet moved to pull me forward, his arms like steel bands wrapped securely around my body. “You and I are going to sit in this chair for a while and talk. That’s all. You have nothing to be scared of.”
Laughter escaped me before I had the chance to stifle it. “There’s only one chair. I’m not sure that both of us will fit.”
He grinned wider, a glimmer in his eye that made my heart pound harder. “Oh, I’m sure if we get creative, we’ll figure out something.”
My heart skipped a beat entirely at the thought.
Elliot never took his eyes off me as he lowered himself into the seat, leaving me standing with my legs between his knees.
His fingertips brushed up the outside of my thighs. I shivered at the touch, fear rekindled in my heart, not because I was genuinely scared of Elliot, but more because I’d never been touched like that before.
On long nights alone, I’d imagined what it would feel like: the first touch, the first kiss. But deep down I’d known those moments would never happen for me - not while my father and brothers were still alive.
For the first time in my life, I felt surprised by the curveball life tossed in my direction.
“I don’t think it’s going to work like this so well,” Elliot teased, a hint of tension in his voice and a roughness that made wild thoughts clamor around in my mind.
Gripping my thighs, he pushed me back until my legs were no longer between his. Closing his own, he pulled my thighs apart, the strength of his hands easily overpowering what little effort I made to keep my knees together. Tugged forward again, my knees bent as Elliot pulled me down to straddle his lap.
“Much better.”
His lips twisted up into a dirty smirk and I felt that smirk all the way down to my toes.
“Much, much better.”
My body shook nervously above his, but my eyes remained locked to the shadows that lined his face. Traveling up and down my body, his gaze took forever to finally lock with mine.
“Is this too much?”
I shook my head, desperate to pull in enough air that I didn’t pass out right there on top of him.
He was too close. I was too close. But I couldn’t find it within myself to push him farther away. When he wasn’t there staring at me, I could convince myself that I’d be able to live without a man like him. But now that we were together again, every decision I’d made to let him go flew out the window to become lost to a turbulent breeze.
“I think I’m okay,” I finally answered.
His hands gripped my hips, his eyes never letting mine go. “Have you ever been kissed before?”
My heart jumped into my throat at the question, my tongue peeking out to lick along my lips. I noticed his eyes tracking the path of my tongue and it stole the breath from my lungs.
“No,” I answered, my voice quaking over the one syllable.
Cocking his head to the side, he smiled at me until I found my gaze trapped to the smooth surface of his lips. They were red and inviting beneath the dark color of his mustache and beard. All I could do was grip my hands over his strong shoulders trying my best to play it cool.
How foolish had it been to admit I’d never been kissed before? Everything inside of me wanted Elliot to look at me as a woman instead of a girl, and yet, there I was, admitting so easily that I’d never experienced anything sexual in my life.
His hands released my hips to grip my knees and slowly creep up my thighs, his fingers pulling the material of my dress along with them.
Damn if that didn’t make me shiver where I sat.
“Would you like me to kiss you?”
Nodding my head, I ignored the lump in my throat that kept me from answering him aloud. It concerned me that he would hear the fear and embarrassment, that he would change his mind if I said the wrong thing.
Letting go of one of my thighs, Elliot brought his hand up to curl a finger beneath one shoulder strap of my dress, using the small bit of cloth to pull me forward until our mouths were close together.
I closed my eyes, unable to handle the intensity of the moment. I hoped he couldn’t hear the frantic beat of my heart, hoped I was making it seem like he didn’t affect me as much as he did.
“Have you ever been touched?” he whispered, a finger sliding beneath the bottom hem of my skirt to press up against my panties. Stars burst behind my eyes, my knees attempting to lock together but stopped by his legs between them.
