The end of his letter (‘I’ll start looking for a place for us to live tomorrow. It could be anywhere between Dan and Ophira, and from the Mediterranean to the River Jordan. I’ll hire a car and reconnoitre’) had been followed by one in which he said that he had found a flat for the time being in Jerusalem, and wanted her and Rachel to join him as soon as she felt they were able to make the move. He could come and get her if she liked, and they would make the trip by plane. He’d see that Judy and the kids were all right, unless, he added, they would like to come as well! Even that could be done.
‘The pair of you certainly seem to have got all that was possible out of each other,’ Judy remarked, ‘considering how it looks like ending up.’
‘Nothing is ended yet, that’s the joy of it. I hate to think of endings.’
‘Yes,’ Judy said, ‘I suppose beginnings are more in your line. But you will go, won’t you?’
She leaned, and filled her cup. ‘What would you do, if you were in my place?’
‘I’m not, and never would be, thank you very much. But if I had the chance, you mean?’ Her voice quavered, and broke. ‘Well, I don’t know. I love you too much to want you to go. You shouldn’t ask questions like that.’
It was unfair, Pam saw. There was too much pressure between them. She complimented her on her honesty. ‘Do you want a brandy in your coffee?’
Judy noted how affectionately they cared for one another, and how soon it was to end. ‘Sorry, whisky.’
She went to get it.
‘But I mean’ – Pam poured it into both cups – ‘I’m asking what you would do in my place – exactly that.’
‘You’ve made the bloody coffee cold,’ Judy said. ‘We have as near a perfect life as I can imagine at the moment. Trust a man to ruin it.’
‘He made it possible.’
‘Damn him!’
They were silent, Pam hardly able to look at Judy who gazed intently at her.
‘I’d go,’ Judy said. ‘That’s what I’d do. But don’t let me influence you, for God’s sake!’
‘I won’t,’ Pam said. ‘But I suppose I shall go.’
‘“Suppose!”’ She saw some hope. Then the light went out of her eyes, because any uncertainty from Pam only brought a certainty closer. Seven negatives made a positive. She poured more whisky. Close to crying, you must laugh. ‘Shall you dip Rachel in the Jordan?’
‘I doubt it. Whether I’ll stay in Israel or not, I can’t say. Depends on a lot. I’m too free a person to commit myself, though I suppose that, too, is an illusion. In one way I’m frightened, but on the other hand, to go to Tom in Israel is something I can’t not do. Not to try it would be cowardice. Since we met I’ve really given him a hard time. I can’t imagine how anybody but Tom would have put up with it. There’ll be no more of that, though, from now on.’
Judy sat at her feet, and put her arms around her legs. ‘If you go, it’ll be for ever. I know.’
‘That’s being melodramatic. Nothing’s for ever.’
‘Maybe not. But I know you, absolutely. You’ll go, and you’ll stay, even though you may well come back now and again to say hello to old Judy.’ She looked tired, as if she would feel a weight off her when there were no more decisions to be talked about. ‘It’s front-line stuff out there. You know that, don’t you?’
‘It’s where I want to be, though. There’s no other place.’
‘No, I see that. Not for you there isn’t.’
‘I’ll begin arrangements to move in the morning. I see no use in holding back once my mind’s made up.’ She smiled. ‘There are certain things you have to do, and you’d never make any beginnings if you couldn’t act until you were able to see the end.’
She spoke without much consideration. Life seemed empty, but the weariness was finished, and she could only gird herself for the future. ‘After all, it’s my victory as well as his. And the fact is, there’s no such thing as a victory, unless you have someone else to share it with.’
A Biography of Alan Sillitoe by Ruth Fainlight
Not many of the “Angry Young Men” (a label Alan Sillitoe vigorously rejected but which nonetheless clung to him until the end of his life), could boast of having failed the eleven plus exam not only once, but twice. From early childhood Alan yearned for every sort of knowledge about the world: history, geography, cosmology, biology, topography, and mathematics; to read the best novels and poetry; and learn all the languages, from Classical Greek and Latin to every tongue of modern Europe. But his violent father was illiterate, his mother barely able to read the popular press and when necessary write a simple letter, and he was so cut off from any sort of cultivated environment that, at about the age of ten, trying to teach himself French (unaware books existed that might have helped him), the only method he could devise was to look up each word of a French sentence in a small pocket dictionary. It did not take long for him to realize that something was wrong with his system, but there was no one to ask what he should do instead.
So, like all his schoolmates, he left school at fourteen and went to work in a local factory. Alan never presented himself as a misunderstood sensitive being, and always insisted that he had a wonderful time chasing girls and going with workmates to the lively Nottingham pubs. He also joined the Air Training Corps (ATC) where he absorbed information so quickly that by the age of seventeen he was working as an air traffic controller at a nearby airfield. World War II was still being fought, and his ambition was to become a pilot and go to the Far East, but before that could be realized it was VE Day. As soon as possible he volunteered for the Royal Air Force. It was too late to become a pilot or a navigator, but he got as far as Malaya, where as a radio operator he spent long nights in a hut at the edge of the jungle.
The Morse code he learned during this time stayed with Alan all his life; he loved listening to transmissions from liners and cargo ships (although he never transmitted himself), and whenever invited to speak, he always took his Morse key along. Before beginning his talk, he would make a grand performance of setting it up on the table in front of him and then announce that if anyone in the audience could decipher the message he was about to transmit, he would give that person a signed copy of one of his books. As far as I remember, this never happened.
In Malaya, Alan caught tuberculosis—only discovered during the final physical examination before demobilization. He spent the next eighteen months in a military sanatorium, and was awarded a 100 percent disability pension. By then Alan was twenty-three years old, and it was not long until we met. We fell in love and soon decided to leave the country, going first to France and then to Mallorca, and stayed away from England for more than six years. That pension was our only reliable income until, after several rejections, the manuscript of Saturday Night and Sunday Morning was accepted for publication. Afterward, Alan would say that during those apprentice years he had been kept by a very kind woman: the Queen of England.
It is said that an artist must choose between life and art; sometimes Alan would tell whomever questioned him that after his first book was published and he became a recognized writer, he stopped living—there was not enough time to do both. I hope that was not entirely true. But writing was his main activity: He would spend ten to twelve hours a day at his desk, reading or answering letters when he needed a break from working on his current novel. And there were poems, essays, reviews—and scripts for the films of his first two books, Saturday Night and Sunday Morning and The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner, and later others. He was extremely productive. But certainly he also enjoyed social life with our friends and going to concerts or the theatre. This was the heyday of the young British dramatists at the Royal Court Theatre.
Now, in the 1960s, there was enough money for what we enjoyed most: travel, and although in the first few years our son was still a baby, we would spend up to six months of the year away from England. Alan’s books were translated into many languages, which meant that he was invited to many other countries, frequen
tly to literary festivals, or sometimes offered the use of a villa or grand apartment for generous periods of time. I remember a stay at a castle in then-Czechoslovakia, where we were awoken every morning by a scream from our son, who had managed to get his head or hand caught in some part of the rickety crib that had been put in our room for him. We also spent months in Mallorca, in a house generously lent by Robert Graves. During our four years on the island we had become good friends with him and the Graves family.
Time passed … the sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties.… Every year or two a new book, a trip to another part of the world. Japan, India, the United States, Mexico, and Latin America: the range extended. I usually went with him, and as by then I also was having work published, sometimes the invitation was to me, and he would assume the role of consort.
Looking back, I realize what a wonderful life we had then. But a year or two before his eightieth birthday, Alan told me he was not feeling well. It was always hard to persuade him to see the doctor; this time he suggested it himself. There were many hospital appointments for investigations and tests—the National Health Service was as excellent and thorough as ever—and a few weeks later the diagnosis came: There was a cancer at the base of his tongue. His suspicions were confirmed. Although he had continued to smoke his pipe (and the occasional cigar), now he stopped at once. The tragic program of treatments started, and the inevitable oscillations between hope and despair. Twice it seemed that he was cured; then it all began again. In April 2010, not long after his eighty-second birthday, Alan died. We had hoped he could die at home, but he needed the facilities of a good hospital. Months later, on a cupboard shelf in his study, I found the manuscript of Moggerhanger.
Sillitoe in Butterworth, Malaya, during his time in the RAF.
Sillitoe and Ruth Fainlight shared their first home together, “Le Nid”, while living in Menton, France, 1952.
Sillitoe in Camden Town in 1958, soon after the publication of Saturday Night and Sunday Morning.
Sillitoe at his desk in his country house in Wittersham, Kent, 1969.
Sillitoe in Berlin while on a reading tour in 1976.
Sillitoe sitting at his desk in his flat, located in Notting Hill Gate, London, 1978.
Sillitoe writing at his desk in Wittersham in the 1970s or ’80s.
Sillitoe and Ruth Fainlight at the PEN conference in Tokyo, Japan, 1984. They both gave readings at the conference, and Sillitoe was a keynote speaker, along with Joseph Heller.
Sillitoe standing on the porch of his wife’s apartment in Nashville, Tennessee. He visited Ruth while she was a poet-in-residence at Vanderbilt University in January of 1985.
Sillitoe (right) in Calais, France, with Jacques Darras (center), a French poet and essayist, August of 1991.
Sillitoe in front of his and Fainlight’s Somerset cottage with his friends, American poet Shirley Kaufman and Israeli literary critic and academic H. M. “Bill” Daleski.
Sillitoe on holiday in Penang, Malaya, in 2008. Sillitoe spent time in Malaya as a radio operator for the RAF in 1948.
All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 1982 by Alan Sillitoe
Cover design by Jason Gabbert
ISBN: 978-1-5040-3379-4
This edition published in 2016 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.
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