by Jo Raven
“Knitting club. Ah-huh.”
Crap, I wonder what’s going through Shane’s mind right now. Is he okay? Where is he? Worry is eating at my stomach lining like acid.
“You okay, Cassie?”
We’ve stopped, and Manon has turned to face me. “Yeah, why?”
“You have to be blind not to notice your eyes are red. You’ve been crying. This isn’t like you. What’s going on?”
“Isn’t like me?” I step away from her, unexpectedly angry. “Why? I keep hearing this. What am I like? Don’t I get to have feelings?”
“Whoa.” Manon’s eyes have gone round. “Hold your horses. I didn’t mean anything.”
“Didn’t you?” The urge to run and hide, or just take the car and go is staggering. “None of you have forgiven me, have you? You pretend you have, but deep inside you think, she’s a whore with no feelings.”
“I don’t think that.” Manon’s face has paled. “How can you think that, Cassie? We’re friends.”
“But I screwed up so badly.” God, if I don’t leave now, I’ll start bawling again. “And there’s no forgiveness for what I’ve done.”
“Jesus, Cassie, of course there is.” She opens her arms and I let her draw me into a hug. “I’m sorry if I gave that impression. You’re sorry, and if Jesse hasn’t forgiven you yet, give him time. Maybe he didn’t know about you and Shane and got a shock.”
“Another wedding, another man kissed against his will?” I mutter against her shoulder.
“Something like that. I’m sure he’s mortified now that it’s been cleared up.”
Is it? Is he?
“Amber told me what happened. She’s feeling really bad about it.” Manon releases me, gives me a sad smile. “Other people make mistakes, too. We all do, and Jesse just made one. Okay?”
If only it was okay. Not Jesse’s fault.
Mine. All mine.
“I think Shane hates me,” I whisper. “I think he managed to forget about this for a while, and now… now it blew up in his face and he won’t speak to me again.”
“Oh, girl…” Manon takes my hands. “That boy really likes you. This past month he has changed so much. He’s less distant, he smiles more, and it’s all you. Ev and I were talking about it the other day. Shane has wanted you for a long time now. I don’t know why you think a stupid comment from Jesse would make him change his mind.”
“It wasn’t a stupid comment.” I draw a deep breath. “He’s right. Right to be angry, and right to ask what he asked. I never realized just how badly I screwed up. I thought everyone was making a big deal out of nothing, but Shane…” My next breath hitches. “I’m afraid he’ll never look at me as anything but the girl who forced Jesse.”
“Shane means a lot to you, doesn’t he? You said it before, but I admit I didn’t really believe you.”
“Yeah.” More than I ever thought possible. “He does.”
Manon is looking at me, pensive. “Okay. We’ll find a solution. Don’t worry. I’m sure it will turn out all right.”
If only I could believe it, too.
***
Rafe is giving his best man speech, and he looks coolly beautiful in his white shirt and gray pants, the only color the dark gold of his hair.
“This is my family,” he says and sweeps an arm to the side, where Zane and Dakota are standing holding hands. “And this is my family.” He gestures at the people gathered around, and I recognize the Inked boys with their girls, and also Micah and Jesse.
Crap.
I resist the urge to duck behind a woman clad in a very flowery dress and hide.
“I lost my blood family years ago,” Rafe says, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “But I found a new one, and I wouldn’t change these people for anything in the world. Some of them have saved me from myself, helped me find my way when I wasn’t sure I could make it. Here’s to hoping they’ll never regret it, because, let’s face it, I can be a royal pain in the ass when I’m in one of my moods.”
A muffled laugh, whispers.
I wonder what moods are those, and who helped him find his way—then he gestures again and a girl climbs onto the dais to stand beside him. He wraps an arm around her, and it’s sweet how they fit together—he’s white and gold, and she’s chocolate and caramel, and they’re perfect.
“I think Zane has a similar story. I’ve known Zane since school, and I know he went through some really tough times, times of loss and despair. He’ll always be my brother, and we’ll always have each other’s backs—but now he has a person to share everything with. A girl who put him back together, who holds his heart, and who has won us all over, too. That makes Dakota my sister, I guess, and gives me a say over who she goes out with.”
Dakota gives him the finger, but she’s laughing.
“So it’s a good thing she chose Zane. I fully approve.” Rafe grins wide. “Zane, you lucky motherfucker. You found your other half. Not everyone is as lucky.”
A lump is forming in my throat, and I will it away. They all look happy, and in love, and the boy I love doesn’t want me.
My phone is buzzing in my pocket and I glance at the display, hoping against all hope it’s Shane, though I’m not even sure he has my number.
It’s my mom. Sighing, I put the phone back into my purse.
God, I need to leave this happy reunion and go home, grab my trusted bottle of tequila from under the sink and forget about this evening. About this month and how happy I’ve been, thinking me and Shane were a possibility.
“I won’t say much more. I’m not good at this speech making thing, or at figuring life out. I’ve found my own half, and I’m not letting her go ever again.” He squeezes his girl closer and she giggles. “Just one last thing: patience is the essence of relationships. Forbearance. Perseverance. Tenacity. Courageousness. Bravery. And yeah, okay, I looked all these words up. I admit it.” He quirks a crooked smile, showing off deep dimples. “Know where I found them? Under synonyms of love.”
The crowd is silent. Then someone starts clapping, and the applause rises like a tidal wave, louder and louder.
Zane and Rafe hug, then they all hug on the dais, boys and girls, and everyone in the crowd, laughing and yelling, and I turn around to go.
Did I give up too easily? Was my patience too short-lived? Am I sure Shane hates me, or is it my own fear that reflects back at me?
And what about bravery? How does that work? If I’m brave, won’t I face Shane, ask to know how he feels about me?
I stop in my tracks.
“She’s with me,” he’d told Jesse. He said that, didn’t he?
Why didn’t it register before now? Enough of beating around the bush. I need to find him, ask him what he meant by that, what I mean to him.
Patience or bravery? Wait for him to make a move, say something more, or go find him?
Then Ev appears by my side like a rabbit out of a hat, scaring the bejesus out of me, and puts an arm around me. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Come on, there’s someone I want you to meet.”
***
“Now isn’t a good time.” I’m trying to extricate myself from Ev’s hold, but she’s bound and determined to get me to meet his person, whoever it is, right the hell now.
“Her name’s Kayla. She used to be my roommate, and now she lives with Amber, which means soon she’ll be looking for a new roommate. We’ve been placing bets on how long it’ll be before Amber and Jesse move in together.”
I dig my high heels in. “So what? I’m not looking for a roommate.”
“Oh come on, Cass. You’re miserable living all alone and you know it. You’re lonely, and Kayla is fun. You’ll see.”
“I’m not lonely. Or miserable.” Am I? “Let me go.”
What’s wrong with everyone tonight?
God, I wish Shane was here. I wish he’d hold me. Wish he loved me.
“Kayla.” Ev waves at someone and drags me forward a few more steps before I react enough to resist. “Brought you an
other one to cheer up.”
“She cheered you up?” I follow reluctantly, glancing around, hoping and dreading to see Shane at the same time.
“She said some awesome things about me and Micah, so…” Ev’s grin is reaching her ears, and almost unwillingly I smile, too.
“You don’t need anyone to tell you Micah loves you,” I whisper, “and that you’ll live happy with him. He’s a great guy.”
“Aww.” She spins me around, hugs me breathless, and then propels me toward the mysterious Kayla. “Go on. She’s so good at this, she should do it professionally.”
Do what exactly is the question, but by then I’m standing in front of a slight, short girl with blondish, wild hair and big chocolate eyes. She’s dressed in a red mini dress and striped leggings and looks distracted, her gaze flicking right and left, her hands twisting together.
“Hi,” I say. “Look, Ev says I should talk to you, but what I really should—”
“Yeah, not the best time, is it?” She frowns at me. “For a palm reading?”
“Palm reading?” I turn toward Ev, incredulous, but Ev has already left me in Kayla’s paranormal hands.
“Oh relax.” Kayla huffs and rolls her eyes. “It’s for good fun. I don’t tell people they’ll die or anything like that.”
“Good, but…”
“But your world is falling apart, and the last thing you care about right now is to have your fortune told.”
Despite myself, I laugh quietly. “Something like that.”
“There’s loss in your life. A dark pit behind you, and you’re scared the same waits for you ahead. So you hold back.”
“That’s not…” Not true.
“You’re hurt. Someone has let you down. You think it’s clear, what happened, but it’s not. It never is.”
I shake my head. “I thought you had to see my palm to tell my fortune.”
“I don’t need to see your palm to know what you’re thinking. It’s written all over your face.” She sighs. “You’re in love. There was a fight. Your heart is broken.”
Jesus.
“What’s your name?” she asks, tilting her head to the side, giving me a once-over. “Maybe I should read your palm after all.”
“Cassie. And no, thanks, but I’m looking for someone.”
“You’re Cassie? Shane’s girl?”
“I don’t think I’m his girl.”
“Then you should tell him that.” She shrugs. “He was looking for you, and to be honest, he didn’t look okay.”
“What do you mean?”
“He looked… confused? He kept rubbing a scar on his arm.” She shrugs again, scrunching up her nose. “He said he wanted help to find you, and Seth, but then he took off and I couldn’t find you, or Seth.”
Shit. He looked confused. That’s so not good.
And he wanted to find me.
Ignoring the warm feeling in my chest from this last thought, I turn to go. “I’ll go look for him. Any idea which way he went?”
“Out.”
“Say again?” I glance back at her over my shoulder.
“He headed out. Going home, I thought.”
“He came with me.” Alarms are wailing inside my head. “We have to find him, right away.”
Her eyes widen a little, and I see my worry reflected in her expression. “I saw him a while ago. It’s snowing outside. You think something might have happened to him?”
“I don’t know, but unless he caught a cab home, he’s out there, in the cold, and…” Fear is cutting off my breath. “Tell the others, tell Amber and Ev and anyone you can think of. I’m going out to find him.”
I don’t wait to hear her answer or see what she’ll do. I’m already calling his cell and heading toward the exit, hoping my coat is still hanging where I left it. Preparing to search the whole area if needed, even as I call again and again only to be redirected to his voicemail, one thought buzzing in my mind:
Please let him be okay. I don’t care if he doesn’t love me. I don’t care if he won’t talk to me again, as long as he’s all right.
***
The street is wide and empty but for the cars parked on either side. Wedding guests. The snow is falling softly, silently, unfolding a fresh layer, a shiny white carpet. The houses are few and scattered, open spaces in between, and the trees are sighing.
Wrapping myself tightly in my coat, I walk briskly down the sidewalk, trying Shane’s cell again.
Come on. Pick up. Pick it up.
Please be okay.
I put the phone back in my pocket and walk faster, as fast as my heels allow me. “Shane! Shane, where are you?”
Behind me, I hear other voices calling his name, and something eases inside me. We’ll find him. He can’t have gone far.
“Cassie!” I turn to find Ocean jogging toward me, his blue hair unmistakable. “Erin says she saw him walk down that way.” He points to the left, where trees are swaying lightly, letting snow cascade to the ground. “She and Tyler came in late, because their kid was sick. She said—”
I’m already half-striding, half-jogging toward the trees. “He won’t answer his phone.”
“His jacket’s back at the house. Maybe his phone, too.”
“Shit.” I’m seriously thinking of ditching my shoes and running barefoot in the snow right now. “We’ll find him.”
“What happened?” Ocean is marching beside me, checking right and left as we enter the small grove. “Why is he out here without his coat and us looking for him? Did he have another of his flashbacks?”
“I don’t know.” I frown. “You know about them?”
“He’s had a few at the tattoo shop. Zane or Tyler sometimes talk him through them. Seth says…” Ocean shake his head. “He says Shane went through some pretty bad shit at the prison.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve never seen anyone fight like that,” Ocean says in a hushed voice, and there’s pain in his eyes. “Always fighting. I don’t think just anyone would have made it out of that memory sane, and yet he keeps coming back, confused and hurting and ready for the next round.”
I blink back tears. “He does.”
“He makes me wanna fight, too,” Ocean whispers, or at least that’s what I think he says, his voice barely a breath.
We’re inside the darkness of the small grove. Snow hasn’t reached the ground here. It’s so perfectly quiet.
“Shane!” both Ocean and I shout, but only a bird flutters in the branches. “Shane, where are you?”
He’s not here.
I don’t know where to find him. He’ll die out here, in the cold, alone. I’ve failed him, just like I failed Angel. I didn’t see it coming, and even if—
Ocean’s cell rings, shattering the quiet. He brings it to his ear, still turning in a circle, checking, as if Shane might materialize out of thin air.
“Yeah? What? No, we haven’t found— Shit, okay. On my way.”
“What happened?” A vise is squeezing my chest. All worst-case scenarios are playing through my head—they found him hurt, they found him dead, a car hit him, he fell in a ditch—
“Seth says someone who looked like him was seen walking in the other direction. The guys are heading that way.”
“Go ahead. I’ll slow you down.” Damn these shoes. Never thought I’d need to run in the snowed streets at night in them. “I’ll be right behind you.”
“You sure? I can wait.”
“No, I’ll be fine. Look, the house is right here, I’m perfectly safe, and Ocean…” I nod at him. “Find Shane. Make sure he’s okay. That’s all that matters right now.”
He hesitates a moment longer, then he’s off, running toward the house, and I’m hurrying after him the best I can, skidding a little on the hard, frozen ground.
A sound from my left has me turning without a conscious thought, and I see a shadow walking toward me—dark over white.
A man.
Shane.
I can’t even speak, I’m s
o shocked to see him. I’d convinced myself he wasn’t anywhere around. And above all, I can’t speak because my mind’s taken over by one single thought:
He’s okay. He’s fine.
“Cass?” he calls, and I notice that he’s wearing a blue jacket. Not his own. “Cass, wait.”
As if I could move from the spot. I’m rooted there—until he’s right in front of me, and I jerk forward, grabbing him in a death hold.
“Shane. God, I thought you left, I thought…” I grab fistfuls of the jacket, bury my face in his chest. His long hair tickles my face, cold and smelling of snow. “I thought something happened to you.”
His arms come around me, muscles flexing in his chest and back. “I’m okay. I… I remembered something and needed some air.”
“That girl, Kayla, was worried about you, and we found your jacket, and you wouldn’t answer your phone…” I stop, trying to control my voice before it breaks.
“Phone’s in my jacket,” his voice rumbles through his chest. “I borrowed a random guy’s jacket, because I couldn’t find mine.”
I snort, clutch him harder. “I was scared. Thought you got lost inside your head and were dying of cold out here. I thought it was my fault, for making you angry, for screwing up so badly with Jesse. Thought you hated me.”
“Shh.” He rubs my back. “I don’t hate you.”
“But you don’t care much either. When I kissed Jesse to make you jealous, you didn’t even blink. And knowing I forced him to do it…”
Ugh, why can’t I stop blabbing about everything that’s inside my head? Why am I making things worse? He’s okay, and he says he doesn’t hate me, so why can’t I let it be?
“The fuck? You kissed Jesse to make me jealous? Why?”
“Because I wanted you to notice me. I’m in love with you.”
He gapes at me.
Damn my big mouth.
“I’m stupid, okay?” I pull back, looking down at the toes of my shoes. “I know.”
“You’re not stupid.” He cups my face, lifts it until I have no choice but to meet his dark eyes. “Never were.”
