by Sara York
The look was back, snaking through Grant, leaving him wishing he could lose all barriers, opening up and allowing Roger into his heart without any hesitation, but the hesitation loomed, haunting him with the knowledge that the Craig situation needed to be settled.
Grant stepped back. "I'm sorry, so sorry you can't even imagine how much. I—there are things that have to be settled."
Roger closed his eyes and blew out a breath, shaking his head. "What can I do to help?"
"Just do what you are doing. I trust you."
"Thanks."
"Really, what I said was uncalled for. I didn't mean—hell, I'm angry and upset. The guy who said he loved me, told me over and over again how he thought of us as a couple—well, he basically admitted to me that he never cared for me. I'm at a loss."
Suddenly Roger's hand was on his shoulder. Grant turned his head, staring at that hand, making sure it wasn't on fire because the heat of Roger's touch made him burn. Roger didn't remove the hand and he didn't step away, instead he pulled Grant into a hug, the contact comforting.
"We'll help you figure this out." Roger smoothed his hands down Grant's back, his touch caring, not possessive.
Grant couldn't believe that he'd opened up to Roger like that. He'd exposed all of his fears to a man he didn't even know, and yet it felt right. Five years with Craig and he'd never opened up like this. A few days of knowing Roger, and he was willing to rip open his heart, exposing everything. It made no sense and left him wondering about his sanity.
*~*~*
Tucker knew Billy had to be exhausted. He was going to insist the man take a nap, maybe even enticing him with a blowjob or something. Beauty nickered and raced around the paddock. Tucker turned to find Billy strolling over, his gait slow.
"You look tired."
"Exhausted."
"Come to bed with me." Tucker reached out and took Billy's hand.
"I can't. I need—"
"You're too tired. Come on, we'll just take a little nap."
Billy followed after him, not letting go of his hand as they entered the house. It was so much easier being out on the ranch, but he didn't know if he could do this in public. When they got to Billy's room, Tucker locked the door and stripped off his shirt and started to shuck his pants, but Billy stopped him.
"Babe, I need you," Billy begged. "Let me. Please."
Tucker knew what Billy wanted but he wasn't sure he could do that yet. He wanted to, but that would mean so many things he hadn't come to terms with. Billy's fingers were lowering his zipper and his lips were on Tucker's shoulder.
"Please," Billy begged between kisses, his tongue smoothing over Tucker's flesh. Then he was naked and Billy's fingers skimmed over his crack, slipping between his cheeks.
"Shower first." Tucker needed to buy some time. If Billy tried it right now, he'd clench up.
"Yeah, shower."
The warm water cleaned away the sweat and dust from the day but the nerves were still thick when Billy shut the water off. Tucker wanted to please his man more than anything, but the fear left him shaking.
Billy led him to the bed, and pushed him to the mattress. Fear raced through him and he almost called it off but Billy was above him, his lips and hands all over his body, kissing a line down his chest to his belly then lower. Lips circled his dick, sucking hard then licking him over and over again, leaving him almost ready to come.
The heat was gone and so was Billy. Tucker opened his eyes, seeing Billy with the tube of lube and all of his nerves were back. Then Billy was beside him, his lip on Tucker's shoulder.
"I'll be gentle. Trust me. I know this time is going to hurt." Billy was kissing him again as his fingers massaged his pucker. Tucker lost his erection but he didn't tell Billy to stop. Then Billy's slicked-up fingers were sliding into his hole, invading his body. The fullness caused him to catch his breath as he searched for sanity. The pressure increased then Billy hit his prostate and a bolt of pleasure snaked through him. They'd done this before and he loved the whole magic button thing, but he feared actually fucking. Maybe it wasn't the pain he feared the most, but if he allowed Billy to do this, what would that make him?
"Wait." Tucker placed a hand on Billy's chest. He expected Billy to be upset or to have an attitude but the smile on his face melted Tucker's heart.
"I'll wait as long as you need me to."
"I figured something out. I need to tell you. I know this may not be the best timing, but I know now."
"What babe."
"I was too afraid to let you do this because of what it would mean."
"What will it mean?" Billy lowered and kissed his neck, driving him crazy.
"I can't go back from here. You do this and I'll have crossed the line I was told I should never cross."
"You don't have to cross it if you don't want to."
"No, I need to. I need to live my own life. This is what I want. I want you to slide inside of me, to possess me."
"Do you want me to use a condom?"
"I'm safe. I haven't had sex in a while and I've been tested recently. Marshal was tested too because of the unit of blood he gave me. I'm good."
"Same here. I always use a condom but I haven't had sex in a very long time. I've kind of been waiting for someone."
Tucker rubbed his hands down Billy's torso to his hips. "Should have knocked me upside the head and had your way with me."
"Trust me, I wanted to."
Tucker lifted his knees. "Now, do me now."
A fierce look took over Billy, almost scaring Tucker. He tried to stay calm as Billy lined up. "Relax, I'll go slow."
"I'm ready," Tucker groaned. He wasn't really, but he wouldn’t wait any longer. He wanted this too much to put it off so he lifted is hips and the tip of Billy's dick pressed in. He gasped at the pain, trying to gain control but there wasn't any control to grasp onto. The wave came, crashing into him and he gasped again.
"You don't—"
"No." Tucker clutched Billy's leg, holding him in place. "More. Please."
"Relax." Billy's arms strained as he lowered his head, kissing Tucker's neck and chest. He rocked his hips, sliding in more. Tucker fought against the pain but it was winning. "Bear down. It'll ease."
Tucker pushed, holding his breath as Billy slid in. "God, it hurts."
"I can't put you through this." Billy started to pull out but Tucker didn't want it to end this way. He'd started this and he would finish it. The pain wasn't unbearable and he wanted this too much to let Billy end it.
He locked his ankles behind Billy and trapped him then lifted his hips. Billy's cock slid in, the pain was intense but faded quickly as his body adjusted. Then there was pleasure taking him to a place he'd never experienced before. He closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. Everything tingled and he wanted more. All sound had disappeared for a moment then he heard Billy speaking but didn't understand what the man was saying. Sweat beaded on his forehead and ran down into his eyes. Billy wiped it away and suddenly Tucker could hear and see clearly.
"Dammit Tucker, I think you passed out there for a moment. Are you okay?"
"Yeah." He strained to speak.
"Are you really okay?"
"More, I want more."
"You've got all of me."
"Move then, I want to feel you. All of you."
"Mmmm." Billy pulled out a small amount then rocked in slowly "How's that?"
"Yeah." Tucker had never felt anything so good, so amazing. "This, I want more of this." Tucker ran his hands over Billy's chest and down his arms.
"Fuck, you are lusty."
"God, why didn't we do this earlier?"
"You like it?"
Tucker writhed under Billy, his body firing nerves he didn't know existed. His muscles clenched and he tried to arch up, but he was pushed down by Billy's next stroke in. They were both sweating, their bodies sliding against each other. Billy sped up, pumping harder with each stroke.
He couldn’t keep his hands off his dick and strok
ing himself while being filled by Billy sent him over the edge, tumbling into darkness. His mind separated from his body, flying free to the point that clarity was all he had. In that moment, he saw what he'd always known but tried to hide from everyone, including himself. There was no doubt now, no hesitation. He'd always been gay.
Billy stroked in once more, his body going stiff. Tucker held on tight as Billy strained above him, his body giving one final shiver before he collapsed, his breath hot on Tucker's neck. They stayed like that for a long while, Billy breathing and Tucker thinking about what he'd just done, how he'd crossed a line he'd never thought he would. The realization hit him hard. If his father ever found out, he would never be welcomed back at home. They would abandon him because of who he slept with.
"What's wrong?" Billy kissed his neck under his earlobe, sending a shiver through Tucker.
"Nothing."
"Don't do that. You shook and it was different because you sucked in a breath of surprise too. Tell me." Billy eased out of him, the sting shocking. His flinch was automatic. "Sorry, didn't mean for that to hurt."
Tucker rolled onto his side, facing Billy. Their gazes connected, the rawness inside of Tucker opening wider, leaving a gaping maw that left him feeling like he would split open and die if it grew any wider.
"When I was a kid, about six, maybe seven, there was this man who lived in town. My dad and a few other guys decided that he had to go. I remember the fit my dad threw. It was bad. He ranted for hours about the faggot down the street, how disgusting he was.
"It took me a few years to get what my dad was talking about. I really didn't understand what the big deal was until I was in eighth grade. Before then, I didn't have any sexual interest in anyone. Sure, I had a girlfriend but that was because everyone had a girlfriend. It didn't mean anything. You know how kids are, we split up in groups and clubs based on some arbitrary values that usually ran along the lines of hair color, skin tones, and size but had nothing to do with the person."
Tucker stopped talking for a moment, glancing at the ceiling before snuggling into the pillow and reconnecting his gaze with Billy's. The world stopped for a moment as he realized that everything he'd been looking for was right here in front of him.
"God Billy, I…"
"What, love?" Billy smoothed his fingers over Tucker's face and into his hair. "Tell me."
He didn't think he could tell Billy that he loved him yet, it was too early, but those words wouldn’t be held back for too much longer. It was as if they had their own heartbeat and breath, willing to live and break free of the cocoon he'd slipped them in once he realized his heart could be broken, and now, with Billy's nurturing, they were ready to break free and fly.
With a shake of his head, he continued. "The guy, he was gay and he finally brought home someone. They were living a few blocks away. To me they seemed like two guys who lived at the same address, kind of like me and my brother, Travis. But my dad wouldn't be mollified. He went on and on, finally his friends agreed to do something. I'm not sure on the details because they stopped including me in their meetings. Then there was this fire and both guys were dead. I think my father killed them first."
"Oh God, Tucker, that's terrible."
"Yeah." He shivered, the memories leaking back in as he thought about that night long ago. "I was up late, probably being a brat, but I wanted water or to go pee or something. I stumbled out of my bedroom searching for the thing I wanted, and he was there, standing in the center of the kitchen, my mom complaining about the mess. They didn't see me at first and I watched, shocked by the sight. Blood ran down my dad's arms, his face had stuff all over it and I thought he'd been injured. The stuff on his face was probably one of the guys' brains."
"Tuck," Billy groaned and pulled him close, kissing his neck and face. "God, Tuck, that's awful."
"Eventually they saw me. My dad screamed. He looked like a monster covered in blood and guts and gore. I'll never forget that moment, he appeared larger than life and I ran. I ran so hard, trying to escape the monster."
"They found me the next morning at this place my friends and I hung out—a little copse of trees with a rock in the center where we would pretend to be the king of the mountain. It was huge, or I thought it was. It was probably small, something unremarkable. That night, the huge rock was my safe haven, the only place I could escape the beast.
"Later, after my mom finished coddling me, my dad came in and told my mom to leave. He was all cleaned up and there was no more blood. They'd sent my brother away for the day, I guess to get him out of the house. I was told never to speak of that night again and if I did, I'd regret it. Of course, I'd just seen my dad covered in blood and I think I knew he'd killed a man and not an animal, so I jumped to the conclusion that if I said anything my dad would kill me too."
At some point Tucker's gaze had drifted away from Billy's, focusing on nothing in particular as he told the one story that he never thought he'd speak of. Now that they were looking at each other once more, the horror in Billy's eyes stunned Tucker. This was a truth he'd lived with, assimilating the terrible event into his life, tucking it away like you would any other childhood memory, but the horror on Billy's face seemed so shocking that he sucked in a breath, comprehending the savagery at a new and deeper level. The event had been shocking. Analyzing it forced him to see that his ordinary world, where he'd grown to accept the atrocity as okay, was screwed up.
"My dad made sure I knew that faggots deserved to die. Like I said, I had no idea what he was talking about until later when I realized I was different than other boys."
Billy gathered him close, kissing him as he feathered his fingers over Tucker's torso, touching him gently as though he would break. Retelling the story was exhausting and he allowed Billy to do as he would, touching and kissing him, cleansing the evil away with the sweetness of his touch.
"Tuck, I'm so sorry you had to live through that—witness that. It's terrible. I'm sorry if I pushed you into this."
He shoved at Billy's shoulder, separating enough so he could see Billy's face. "You didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to. You woke up that part of me I've suppressed forever. I've not allowed myself to be truthful. For years I've lived this lie. It's been so long and so exhausting."
"Babe, you are an amazing man, that you aren't some pigheaded asshole is a miracle."
"I could have gone that way, but I made a decision to be different. Then I joined the military and my eyes were really opened. My dad thought the Marines would make me a real man, forcing me to see that he'd been right all along. I think he realized that I was gay at one point. Fear kept me from being with another guy. That memory from childhood was always there to keep me from straying off the straight and narrow path."
"I'm glad you did stray with me."
"I am too."
They snuggled together in the silence, Tucker content to hold Billy. Eventually he heard soft snores coming from the man. He closed his eyes, glad that they'd found each other. It still freaked him out that he was with a guy. Being out of the closet was frightening. He didn't know if he would ever be comfortable with whom he was. Now that he'd opened up that one memory, more spilled forth, pelting him with the disgusting violence his father had wrought on others, leaving behind a backwash of hate.
Tucker needed Billy to make him human and soften his edges. Here at the ranch, he'd been okay with the gay guys like Grant and Craig, but the stress of worry if his father ever figured out what type of guys he lived with had him exhausted. Maybe Billy would give him the strength he needed to be himself.
Chapter Fifteen
Marshal loved coming back to the ranch. Growing up in the middle of the city, first in the Bronx and then moving to South Harlem, had left him with the need to breathe clean air and to find silence. Out on the range where quiet solitude prevailed, he'd found the relief he'd been looking for. It hadn't truly filled the emptiness in his heart. The guys were great, and he enjoyed the work, but the missing pieces were start
ing to show. In the middle of the throngs of New York, he could hide from the truth, but out here he could hear the voice inside so clearly he knew that eventually he'd have to do something about it.
When they'd landed, James had phoned Duff, letting him know they were back. McKay's death had hit the newswires but was being attributed to natural causes. It worried him that Craig had found them. Through the mission, he'd wondered if Craig would show up and ruin it for them. Then he'd worried about Craig following them to gather information to use against them. Finally, he'd had to forget about their former member and do the job, taking out McKay and making a clean getaway.
Grant was another worry. If he didn't get over Craig soon it could be a problem. Once he went through debriefing, he'd pull Grant aside and talk to him. A few of the guys came out when they pulled into the drive, but he didn't see Grant or Billy and Tucker.
"Well, I guess it's time for the debriefing," Marshal said.
"Yeah, not my favorite part."
"I totally understand. So do you think we could talk Duff into skipping it and just letting us go to bed?"
"No way. He'll want to know what worked and what didn't. And with Craig showing up then Grant leaving, it will be worse. Every single move will be picked apart."
"You know, he's not going to be satisfied and neither will I. Craig could have followed us at any point."
"I know, but that doesn't mean he did. I was careful and so were you. I really searched for a tail while we were in London and then once we left for Grantham."
"That area was empty. If we had a tail there, unless they were set up far away, we would have seen them."
"I think so."
James put the car into park, but didn't get out. He met Marshal's gaze with a serious stare. "I know you said we need to talk, but I'm fine. Really, I'm good with what went down."
Marshal shook his head. "No, we will talk or I need to say something to Duff. Your choice."
"That's unfair."
"Yeah, but I've been here a long time and I know what that hollow looks means. You need to get your shit straight and that means you can't pretend like that didn't affect you. We're going to talk and that's all there is to it."
