by Linda Bridey
Sasha sat at Sparrow’s kitchen table, sipping on a calming tea that her friend had made for her. Her eyes were puffy and red. The tea would also help to alleviate her headache, but it would do nothing to heal her heartache. Just when Sasha thought she had no more tears left, more would come.
Sparrow felt so badly for Sasha and was furious with Ben for breaking Sasha’s heart. So when Ben rode up to her house, Sparrow was in a fighting mood. She strode angrily out onto the porch followed by Roscoe, who was there for his daily visit, and shouted, “Get out of here. She doesn’t want to see you. You’ve done enough!”
Ben winced at the volume at which Sparrow spoke. “Sparrow, I know I hurt her, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I need to speak with Sasha. I was wrong and I have to make this right.”
Sparrow put her hands on her hips and glared at Ben. “There is no making it right. Don’t you understand? You’re no better than her husband! I’m glad she isn’t marrying you and getting trapped again!”
Ben got down off his horse and said, “Sparrow, I know what you must think of me, but I didn’t know what I was saying. I was a complete idiot. Please let me see her.”
“It’s not up to me. She doesn’t want to talk to you!” Sparrow said.
Ben walked over to the porch and said, “Now, look, Sparrow. This is between her and I—”
Suddenly Ben found himself staring into the snarling face of a very large canine. Roscoe had moved between Sparrow and Ben. His teeth were bared, his ears flat against his head, and a loud, menacing growl issued from his furry throat. Ben knew that Roscoe wasn’t playing. The wolf-dog meant business and would protect his loved ones at all costs. It was obvious that he perceived Ben as a threat.
Ben knew better than to look Roscoe in the eyes and challenge him. In a calmer tone he said, “Sparrow, please call him off. I mean no harm to anyone. I just want to talk to Sasha.”
Sparrow said something to Roscoe in Lakota and the dog lay down. He didn’t stop growling, however. “No,” Sparrow said. “Now leave or I’ll think twice about turning Roscoe loose on you.”
Looking into Sparrow’s angry eyes, Ben believed she would do it. His jaw clenched, but he didn’t say another word. As he rode off, Ben tried to think of a way to get Sasha to listen to him. He was going to have to come up with something fast. Ben knew that he was in danger of losing the woman he loved and though he didn’t deserve her, Ben knew he couldn’t live without her.
When Ben arrived at the clinic, Marcus wasn’t happy to see him, either. Ben knew an apology was in order.
Marcus eyed Ben coldly as he sat across from him.
“Marcus, I’m sorry about yesterday. I lost my head and I shouldn’t have thrown that cup like that. My actions were asinine and I’m asking for your forgiveness,” Ben said.
Marcus raised an eyebrow as Ben spoke. He watched Ben’s body language and saw that Ben’s apology was sincere. “Look, Ben, I know this is hard for you, but you can’t go around acting like that. I’d rather you just tell me to shut up than throw stuff.”
“I know,” Ben said as he covered his face and leaned his elbows on his desk. “I have made a horrible mess of things.”
“I don’t know about that. I mean what you did was wrong, but I know you were angry,” Marcus said.
“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about Sasha. I have deeply wounded her and she gave her engagement ring back. Or rather, left it last night,” Ben said.
Marcus’ surprise showed in his eyes. “What happened?”
“My evil-tempered side was showing last night, I’m afraid, and in a drunken state I said many reprehensible things to her,” Ben said.
“Oh, boy,” Marcus said. “I’m sorry, Ben.”
“Don’t be. It’s nothing less than I deserve. Drunk or not, that wonderful woman didn’t deserve to be treated like that by me. I went to try to talk to her, but your dog would have none of it,” Ben told him.
“What do you mean? What’s Roscoe got to do with anything?” Marcus asked.
Ben related the scene at Sparrow’s house to Marcus, who couldn’t help smiling. “Most people don’t know that side of Roscoe exists, but he’s not to be fooled with at times like that.”
“Yes, I realize that now. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, Marcus. You know me better than that. I simply wanted to speak with Sasha and apologize to her,” Ben said.
“I know, Ben,” Marcus replied.
Ben sighed. “I have to make her see how sorry I am and that it’ll never happen again. No more drinking for one thing. That’s where I get in trouble. Alcohol turns me into someone I detest.”
“That’s a good start. You’re gonna have to earn her trust back, Ben. You’ve got some work ahead of you.”
“Yes, I do,” Ben said. “Now I just have to figure out where to start.”
When Sasha arrived home that night, she found Ben sitting in her parlor. Conflicting emotions assaulted her. Her body thrilled at the sight of him sitting there in his jeans and western shirt. His broad shoulders were emphasized and the jeans showed off his trim waist and powerful legs. Her mind immediately conjured images of their lovemaking and she had to push those thoughts away.
“What are you doing here?” she asked as she kept away from him.
Ben had missed her and his eyes devoured her. He longed to kiss her and hold her.
“You don’t have to stand all the way over there, Sasha. I’m not going to jump you,” he said.
That soft, cultured southern draw did things to her insides and Sasha kept a tight hold on her resolve to stay away from him. She perched on the sofa, which was still fairly far from him.
“I asked you a question,” she said.
Ben noted that her normally warm gray eyes were a cold silver hue and he felt deep regret that he was the cause of it. “I needed to talk to you without an angry canine present.”
Sasha’s chin came up. “I have nothing to say to you, Ben. I said it all last night. I won’t marry someone who’s going to treat me like that. You broke your promise to me.”
Ben nodded. “You’re right. I did and I infinitely regret it and I’m so sorry, Sasha. I never intended to hurt you. I was highly intoxicated and the other person inside me showed up. I hate him, Sasha. I know how that sounds, but it’s true. That is why I’m never going to drink again. Not one drop. I don’t want to take the chance of anything like that happening again.”
“That’s nice,” Sasha said. “But why should I care?”
Ben leaned forward in his chair and said, “Because I know you still love me, Sasha. We’re meant to be together and you know it.”
Sasha swallowed and dropped her gaze as she said, “I thought we were, but after last night, I think perhaps it was a mistake to start a relationship with you.”
Her words were like a sharp barb to his heart. He closed his eyes for a moment as the pain gripped his mind. When he opened them, Sasha stood up.
“I want you to leave, Ben. I don’t want to see you again. If you see me around town, do not speak to me and I won’t speak to you. We’re through. I’m done being a victim, Ben. Give me my key back,” she said.
Ben stood up and took out his key ring. “You’ll have to take it off here. I can’t.”
Sasha knew a moment of sympathy for him but quickly forced it away. She took the ring from him and their hands touched. A wave of longing flowed through her and Sasha’s hands shook as she took the key off the ring and put it in her pocket. When she handed it back to Ben, Sasha made sure not to touch him.
“Get out,” Sasha said.
Ben had seen the momentary spark of desire in her eyes and it gave him hope to know that she wasn’t immune to him. He passed close by her and stopped in front of her. “Sasha, we are not through. Not by a long shot. I’m going to show you that I’m worthy of you.” He bent and quickly kissed her mouth before she could stop him. Then he was gone.
Sasha pressed her fingers to her lips and tears started to fall from her eyes. He
was right, she did still love him, but she couldn’t let that influence her anymore. Ben had shown a side of him that frightened her and she wasn’t willing to risk living a life of fear and disappointment. No, though she loved him, she was not going to allow him to ruin her life. She sat on the sofa and mourned her lost love.
Ben tried several times to talk to Sasha over the next two weeks, but she would have nothing to do with him. She wouldn’t listen to him and it was extremely frustrating. He missed her and he didn’t sleep and he wasn’t interested in food. The sun had gone out of his life and Ben knew that Sasha had taken a piece of his heart with her.
He often sat in his parlor just looking at the ring he’d given her. It had been such a special night and their lovemaking had been tender and so full of love that it had taken his breath away. Ben cursed himself and the part of him that was like his father. Without being able to talk to Sasha, Ben had no idea how to get through to her.
Marcus noticed the dramatic change in Ben. He rarely smiled and only went through the motions as he treated patients. It amazed Marcus that Ben didn’t seem bitter anymore about his hand. Ben retreated into depression and Marcus didn’t know how to reach him. He tried and though Ben nodded, Marcus could tell that he wasn’t able to get through to his friend.
One evening when Ben left the clinic, he heard a whisper in his ear. It was the same whisper that he’d heard when he’d played piano the day of Wendell’s wake. Ben thought he was hearing things at first and looked around to see who had spoken. No one was close enough to him for him to hear a whisper. He clicked Othello into a walk again. The whisper came again and Ben stopped in amazement at what it was telling him.
“No, I don’t think so,” Ben said, and started out again. The whisper was more insistent this time and Ben couldn’t ignore it.
Inexorably, Ben was drawn to the church. The whisper kept urging him to go there and Ben urged Othello in that direction. Outside, Ben tied the horse to the hitching post and stood there looking at the church. He hadn’t been inside of a church since he was a child and couldn’t figure out what Wendell was trying to tell him. For Ben knew it was he who whispered in his ear.
Slowly and with misgivings, Ben entered the church. It was warm inside and well lit. Maybe there was choir practice that night. He was sure the choir would be getting ready for Christmas. With all this going on with Sasha, Ben hadn’t given the holiday much thought. Now, it came to him that Christmas was very close indeed.
Just as he had been drawn to the piano that day in the Watering Hole, the whisperer urged him to go to the piano near the altar. Ben couldn’t ignore that strong pull and he sat at the piano and opened the keyboard lid. How was he supposed to play one-handed? What was Wendell trying to do? Ben believed in the spirit world despite being a man of science. His nanny had instilled a belief of the unseen in him and Ben didn’t doubt that Wendell was able to reach out to him from the grave.
Ben closed his eyes and listened to his friend.
“A Christmas carol? Are you being serious, Wendell?” Ben asked aloud. The whisper was insistent. “All right. I’ll try.”
Ben had learned to play Christmas carols along with all other manners of song during his formative years, and as Wendell told him what song to play, Ben began hearing it in his head and his fingers remembered the notes. He started out with just his right hand and the chords were clumsy as he tried to play both treble and bass clefs. It was maddeningly frustrating. With Wendell whispering louder at him, Ben ripped his sling over his head, releasing his arm. He took off the tightly wrapped bandage and splint and then put his injured hand on the keys.
He tried to play a chord and the pain was excruciating at first.
“I can’t do this, Wendell. I don’t know what you want from me, but I can’t play,” Ben said, near tears.
That voice grew even stronger and Ben tried again. It wasn’t quite as bad this time. Surprisingly, the break in his forearm wasn’t the problem. No, it was the one in his hand that held him up because of the pressure required to work the keys and the way he needed his hand to stretch to play properly.
Ben flexed his hand and tried to loosen it up. “All right! All right. Shut up and I’ll play! It’s going to sound horrible, but if it gets you to let me alone, I’ll do it.”
Unbeknownst to Ben, Pastor John had entered the sanctuary. Pastor John heard Ben talking to some unseen force and decided to not interrupt. He recognized someone struggling when he saw them and let Ben work through whatever was going on. Silently he stood in a back corner so he wouldn’t draw attention to himself. Dr. Ben Walker was one of the last people he had expected to see in his church and the pastor knew something extraordinary was occurring.
Ben repositioned his hands and began the song again. Joy to the World came tentatively from the piano at first. As Ben played, the pain in his hand began subsiding to a manageable level and the chords began coming out with more confidence and the music swelled in the sanctuary. Adrenaline began coursing through Ben’s body, alleviating his pain, and he started playing with such force that the music was easily heard outside.
People walking past the church heard the beautiful rendition Ben played and they grew curious about who was playing. It didn’t sound like Pastor John’s wife, Melanie, playing. It was broader and certainly more classical. The passers-by began coming into the church. Pastor John hushed them. He didn’t want Ben interrupted.
Ben was in a world of his own and had no idea that people kept filling the sanctuary. Pastor John thought that Joy to the World had never been played so joyously in their church before. When the song was over, Pastor John expected Ben to be finished, but he wasn’t. Ben couldn’t stop and went right into God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman.
Joe rode down the main street and saw people filing into the church. He heard the piano and knew who played it by the type of arrangement. It was not something Melanie would play. Rebecca was at the Watering Hole, so it wasn’t her. There was only one other person who played like that.
Joe tied his horse outside the church and went inside. Sure enough, Ben sat at the piano playing for all he was worth. Joe wondered how he was managing it with his hand. The music called to him and he couldn’t resist singing.
His resonant tenor rang out as he began singing along. At first Pastor John tried to get him to stop, but Joe put up a hand and continued singing. Other people joined in and soon the building rang with the festive sounds of Christmas songs. Ben played for close to a half hour. He heard the voices and smiled. The longer he played, the more at peace he felt. His depression began falling away, to be replaced by happiness and strength.
Ben ended the impromptu concert with Go Tell it on the Mountain and felt an energy fill him unlike anything he’d ever felt before. Tears of release and exultation flowed freely down his face but he had no idea that he cried them. The last chords of the song faded away and Ben sat on the bench, drained physically and emotionally. Dissonant chords sounded as he leaned his elbows on the keys and let out his strong emotions.
Pastor John urged those present to leave to give Ben some privacy. He also saw an opportunity to counsel someone in need. Pastor John let Ben alone for a few moments before going to the younger man and putting a hand on his shoulder.
Ben slowly came to himself and turned to the pastor. He didn’t know what to say. He’d never really talked Pastor John much.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just had to play, but I’m not sure how I managed it.” He made a motion towards his arm, which now burned and throbbed with pain from the overexertion.
John smiled kindly at him, his blue eyes filled with sympathy. “Sometimes there are things that we can’t explain. If you question them, you’ll drive yourself crazy. In my opinion, the Holy Spirit was here today and spoke through your playing. Don’t ever be sorry for creating such beautiful music. You’re welcome to play any time you’d like.”
Ben wiped off his face. “I haven’t been to church for many years, Pastor. I really don’t know
what I’m doing here, since I’m not a religious person.”
“You can just call me John, Ben. What brought you in here? Something unusual happened to make you come here and play.”
“Wendell was talking to me. It was the same the day of his wake. You’ll think I’m crazy, but he whispers to me and I just can’t refuse to do what he wants of me. I haven’t played since I was in my early twenties. Over ten years or so, I think,” Ben said. “He wouldn’t let me alone until I played and once I got started, I couldn’t stop.”
“I’m not surprised. Once the Spirit gets ahold of you, its grip is strong. And sometimes He speaks through others. I believe you, Ben. There are so many things that we can’t see or understand and yet they’re there,” John said. “You say you’re not religious, and yet you play those songs like someone who believes.”
Ben shook his head. “I’m not. I don’t like all of the rules and such that come with it and how if you don’t follow them it makes you a bad person. I’ve done a lot of things that certainly preclude me from being worthy.”
John chuckled. “Son, none of us are worthy. That’s why we have to rely on the Lord’s mercy and forgiveness. There is no person walking the face of this earth who is perfect, Ben. Yes, we’re supposed to try to walk in Jesus’ path, but the truth is that we won’t ever be able to achieve that kind of perfection.”
“Then what’s the point? Why bother?” Ben asked.
“Those are good questions, Ben. It’s about how much you try and how much you want to do it. That’s what counts. You practice medicine. Will you ever be one hundred percent perfect at it?”
“Probably not. There’s always a chance of error,” Ben admitted as he cradled his painful arm.
“It’s the same with being a Christian. We’re never going to be perfect, but we should strive to do our best,” John said. “Ben, you were sent in here for a reason today and I believe that reason is because you have a hole in your soul that can’t be filled with worldly things.”
