“I hate it when you say things like that about yourself.”
“I’m only telling you the truth, Hayden. The truth about how I felt…how I sometimes feel.”
“That’s not the truth.”
“In my head it is.”
“Well let me tell you what my truth is. That jerk passed up a chance to get to know you. That makes him a colossal idiot. Fact.”
I smiled. “Is that so?”
“It is. And here’s another fact. You, Beth Covington, are beautiful. And sexy. And amazing. And wonderful. And if I ever meet the assholes that made you feel anything less than that…I’ll kick their asses. Fact.”
Before I had time to react, he reached for me and pulled me into his arms, hugging me, not giving me a chance to resist. He held on to me like I was the most precious thing in the world to him. For those few minutes, I believed that I was. Perhaps Hayden’s hugs did possess a certain kind of magic after all.
“Thank you for the song,” I mumbled into his chest.
“You already thanked me. You thanked me when you started talking.” He squeezed me closer, hugging me tighter. “And I love you even more for it.”
Hayden
Beth pulled the handle on the door, opened it, and climbed out of the truck. Before closing the door she turned around, and with guarded eyes, she studied me. The truck was high enough off the ground that she could stand flat-footed without the need to duck her head. Standing there with the moon shining behind her, she looked like an angel. A soft glow cast around her like a halo. She looked beautiful and vulnerable, yet she wore bravery around her like a blanket, or perhaps a cape. Yes, a cape would be a better word.
“Thank you, Hayden.”
“What are thanking me for?”
For a moment, I didn’t think she was going to answer, and then she said, “I’m not sure. Everything, I think.”
I wanted to kiss her so damn bad that all I could do was stare at her lips and will them to say…kiss me.
Say it, please say it.
“Well, goodnight, Hayden.”
I needed a few seconds to swallow the disappointment. “Good night, Beth.”
She started to close the door.
“Beth?”
“Yes?”
“I’m not them. I’m not those guys.” Her eyes drifted down. “Look at me,” I demanded. Her eyes snapped up to meet mine. “I’m not them,” I repeated, softer.
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
The air inside my lungs felt like burning embers. I ached to touch her, to mold her body against mine, and not being able to do so was more painful than not breathing at all. My eyes held on to hers. “I’m not them, Beth. I will never be them.”
Her eyes glistened and she answered quietly, “I know. All the things you do for Annie and for Molly. I know, Hayden.”
We regarded each other in silence, her standing beside the passenger door of my truck, and me sitting behind the wheel. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, or rather, what I needed to say. The words hung in the air between us. After a long minute, I ultimately settled on a simple word that let her know I accepted her answer.
“Okay.”
She furrowed her eyebrows. “Best friends tell each other everything.” She paused, and looked at me thoughtfully. “You know all of my secrets, and I know all of yours. I think that makes you my best friend. I haven’t given that title to anyone since high school.” Her thoughtful look transitioned into something that looked a whole lot like relief. “I’ve never trusted anyone enough to completely confide in them. I trust you, though…and that’s not easy for me because I don’t even trust myself.”
With that, she closed the door, made her way onto the porch, and into her house. A light came on in the front window, and her silhouette moved across the room behind the curtains.
I reached into my back pocket, pulled out my wallet, and removed a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it, and reread what I had written. My eyes drifted back towards the window. Her shadow continued to move about until the house grew dark. A soft glow from the television now illuminated the space. I settled my eyes on her front door, knowing that beyond that door, was the woman that held my heart in the palm of her hand.
I looked at my own hands, wondering if one day I would hold her heart in the palm of mine.
I smoothed out the paper, and with the pen I found in my console, I put a check mark beside my first goal.
Get Beth to like me again
Hayden
I talked to Beth on the phone this morning and she informed me she was working at the diner until five. I had called to let her know I was thinking about taking her for another ride on the Harley this evening. She accepted, sounding excited to join me. We made plans for me to pick her up after work. In the meantime, I was headed to the gym to hang out with Joe and Coop for a couple of hours. I laced up my tennis shoes, grabbed my wallet and keys, and left the house. Thirty minutes later I was on the court, already sweating and out of breath. Cooper was bringing his A-game today and was taking no prisoners. He wasn’t even cutting Joe slack anymore, not that he needed it. He was completely back to normal.
“Coop, dude, you’re killing us!” Joe exclaimed, bending at the waist, resting his hands on his knees and breathing heavy.
“C’mon, guys, this is just the warm up,” Cooper said, not even trying to wipe the grin off his face.
“What has gotten into you?” Joe asked, panting.
“Not a thing, man. Maybe I’m in better shape than you.”
“I’m gonna grab a water, you guys want one?” I asked, walking toward the bleachers.
“I’m good, man,” Cooper answered, going in for another layup.
“I think I’ll join you for cocktails while Michael Jordan over there kills himself,” Joe said, chuckling while jogging over to the bleachers. He ran up three steps and planted a kiss right on Maggie’s lips. She and Lily had come with Joe and Cooper and were talking excitedly in the stands when we came up.
“Hey babe!” Maggie said to Joe “Looks like Cooper is bringing the heat today.”
Joe rolled his eyes. “Speaking of heat, I’ve got some “How hot is it” jokes, if anyone is interested.” He waggled his eyebrows at the three of us.
I took a swig of water and ignored him, but Lily spoke up, giggling, “Okay, Joe, I’ll bite. How hot is it?”
“It’s so hot that birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. It’s so hot the chickens are laying hard boiled eggs. It’s so hot the trees are whistling for dogs.”
Maggie and Lily were both laughing, and Joe was eating it up. “You’re so hot, I want you to kiss me again,” Maggie said, tugging on his sweaty shirt.
“Hot damn!” Joe shouted, letting Maggie pull him in for a kiss.
“Get a room, you two! Coop, I’m comin’ back in. Toss me the ball! Joe’s giving us a show I didn’t pay to see.”
“Consider it a freebie.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, waving Joe off.
The girls giggled and Joe hung around up there for a few more minutes before he joined us back on the court. I tossed him the ball and we went at it for another forty-five minutes. It was a good time, as always, and I was beat. I gave out high-fives to the guys and the girls.
“Sorry, ladies, no hugs today, Hayden is officially rank,” I said. I saluted them on my way out the door. Plus, I wanted to hurry home and get a quick shower so I would have time to run by to check on Molly and Annie before I picked Beth up.
An hour and a half later I pulled up to Molly’s apartment and saw Annabeth peeking out the window. I waved and removed my helmet. “Hey, Annie,” I said when I approached the front door.
“Hey.”
She sounded sad, not like herself at all. “Everything okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s wrong, where’s your mom?”
“She’s asleep. She doesn’t feel good again today. She never fe
els good. I’m bored and I don’t have anyone to play with.”
“Well, I’m here now and you have me. What do you want to play?”
A half hour later I had an Elsa wig perched on top of my head, a “cape” Annie made for me out of a bed sheet tied around my shoulders and a thick coat of pink lipstick set off by sky blue eye shadow. Annie wore her Anna wig and costume and had put on the same pink lipstick and blue eye shadow, along with enough blush to put a circus clown to shame. She skipped around the room with a stuffed Olaf and pretended everything was covered in snow and ice.
“You make a pretty Elsa,” she snickered, loving that I let her put makeup on me.
“Oh, thanks, Anna,” I grumbled playfully and that got her to really laughing. She then decided to capture my big moment of princess beauty on her mom’s cell phone camera. She held the phone up and selected the camera and stared at it for a few seconds. Then she said, “I think you need more lipstick.” Two more coats of pink lipstick and a touch of blush later, the photo shoot began.
After taking several pictures, she climbed up on my lap so we could look at them together. I looked ridiculous. Annie swiped her finger across the screen to reveal the next picture, and with each swipe, her quiet chuckles grew louder. I only pretended to hate it. In truth, if she wanted to dress me up like a Teletubby I would let her. Whatever made her happy made me happy. Soon, Annie couldn’t contain her laughter. It boiled over until she slid onto the floor and laid on her side, laughing dramatically.
“You think this is funny, do ya?” I asked, leaning over and tickling under her arms. “Huh? You think this is funny?”
She squirmed and squealed. “Yessssss! I think it’s funny! Don’t tickle me!” I stopped and the laughing began to calm down, then she teased me saying, “Oh, Kish, I think you look really, really funny. Aren’t you going to tickle me again?” I would oblige and begin to tickle her. We went on like that back and forth until she had the hiccups and we were both exhausted from laughing.
We looked up when Molly walked into Annie’s room. She took one look at me and burst out laughing. “What in the world? Annie, what did you do? Oh, Hayden, that is super attractive on you. I think we’ve found your color palette!”
Annie laughed. “We played Frozen and he’s Elsa!”
Molly continued laughing and asked me if I’d like to borrow some make up remover. I definitely did.
After I washed my face and helped Annie put away her costumes, Molly told her to get ready for a bath. “A couple of makeup removing wipes isn’t going to cut it, baby,” she told Annie.
Annabeth whined at first and then she gave me a big hug and went skipping to her bedroom to get a change of clothes like her mom had asked.
Molly looked at me with tired eyes. “Thank you for playing with her this afternoon.”
“Of course. You know I can come any time you need me, or she does. All you have to do is call me. You didn’t tell me you were feeling bad again.”
Molly said with downcast eyes, “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a burden. You have your own life and you shouldn’t be stuck over here every time I feel bad.”
I walked over to her and lifted her chin with two fingers so she looked me in the eyes. “You two are part of this life I have, and I absolutely do need to be here when you aren’t feeling well. You have to know how much you both mean to me, Molly. Whether you like it or not, we are family as far as I’m concerned. I want you to call me when you’re not feeling well. Okay? Are we clear?”
“Yes sir,” Molly answered with a small grin. I gave her a hug and asked, “Have you been back to the doctor?”
“Yeah, earlier this week.”
Annie announced from the hallway, “Mom! I’m ready for my bath!”
“Be right there, baby, give me one minute.” Bringing her attention back to me she said, “Sorry. I guess I need to suck it up and go take care of Tammy Faye Bakker in there.”
I laughed. “I can’t believe we both know who Tammy Faye Bakker is.”
“Right? I feel so old.”
“You’re not old. Let’s think of it as being well educated in all things related to Animal Planet, the Disney Channel, and anything involving the National Enquirer.”
“Ah, see, I like the way you think.”
“It’s part of my charm. Are you okay to bathe Annie?” I asked with concern.
“Oh, yeah, I feel better. I’m on an upswing, I can feel it. After today’s nap I’m feeling energized.”
“Okay. Well, take care of yourself. And call me if anything changes, got it?”
“Got it!”
“Okay, I’m out. Bye, Annie!”
“Bye!” she hollered from the bathroom.
Molly walked to the door and closed it behind me. I checked my watch and saw that it was four thirty; perfect timing. Beth would be getting off work soon and I would pick her up at her place at five thirty. That gave me time to take care of a quick errand. I put on my helmet and started the bike, and looking back at the apartment, I smiled to myself. I was glad Molly was feeling better and I prayed things would stay that way for her sake. And for Annie’s.
Beth
Have you ever had to have a tough conversation with someone? And you didn’t know how to start it? Then when you do start it, part of you regrets bringing it up, yet another part of you knows that you needed to bring it up? Had to bring it up? Then you have to do a lot of convincing and begging and pleading? Yeah. Well, for the last four hours I’ve had one of those conversations with myself.
I knew that Hayden would do anything to help me. I knew he was sincere and determined. He proved that to me every day. I knew that I wanted to be better, more than anything, not only for Hayden, for myself too. I also knew that it didn’t matter how much Hayden and I wanted me to be better, we couldn’t do it on our own. Because the truth of it was…every day I wanted to cave into my impulses and do what my mind and body have been programmed to do for so long. I didn’t have an “off” switch. I could only push “pause”. Sooner or later, I would give in again to the need…to the desire. I’ve been here too many times to believe otherwise. I was an expert in self destructive behavior.
I opened my laptop and searched inpatient facilities for eating disorders. I found a place that sounded perfect, outside of being an inpatient facility for eating disorders, that is. I picked up the phone and dialed the number. I had made a mental list of concerns that needed to be met in order for this to work. Otherwise, I would take it as a sign that I wasn’t ready for this step. Number one on the list…my medical insurance. I couldn’t afford the expense on my own. To my surprise, however, my insurance was accepted. Then I told myself that if they only took patients who were referred from psychiatrists or psychologists, that it would be a sign I was on the wrong path…reverse course and try another solution. However, Sarah, the sweet sounding lady on the other end of the line, informed me that they absolutely took people who have decided on their own they need some help.
“Honey, we don’t turn anyone with a real problem away. We would need you to come in and meet with one of our doctors before we admit you into the program. Would you like me to make an appointment for you?”
Here, I told myself, was where I would get that sign I’d been looking for, so I said, “I could only come tomorrow afternoon, after that it will be weeks before I have any free time,” I lied. Self-sabotage was not a new sport for me.
“Well now, I don’t know sweetheart, let me check the schedule.”
I held my breath. There is no way they will have anything tomorrow afternoon. No way, no way, no way, no way, no— “Honey, you’re in luck. Dr. Daniels had a cancellation. That hardly ever happens. She can see you tomorrow afternoon at two o’clock. Do you need directions?”
I slapped my forehead and mumbled, “No, no, I’ll put the address in my GPS.”
“Okay then. I have you scheduled with Dr. Nancy Daniels for two o’clock tomorrow. Be sure to bring your insurance card and get here about fifteen
minutes early so you can fill out some paperwork.”
“Got it,” I said, my heart beginning a worrisome, rapid fire, machine gun type beating.
“See you tomorrow, hon.”
“Thank you so much.”
That’s when I started talking to myself. Four hours later I was exhausted from both trying to convince myself to keep the appointment and trying to convince myself that maybe I was wrong and needed to cancel. I had told no one my plans. What would I do about my job? I still had so many things I needed to consider. I gave myself plenty of great reasons for cancelling the appointment, but in the end, I was seated at precisely two o’clock the next afternoon across from Dr. Nancy Daniels at The Polly Jordan Center for Eating Disorders.
Dr. Daniels stood and reached across the desk to shake my hand. “Beth, it’s so nice to meet you,”
“Thank you, Dr. Daniels. It’s nice to meet you as well.”
She sat down, folding her hands on the desk in front of her. After a few minutes of small talk, she got right to the point. “So, tell me, why you are here, Beth?”
Looking at my hands clasped together in my lap, I didn’t know where I should start. Do I blurt out I have bulimia? Sweat broke out across my forehead and under my arms. Maybe this was a bad idea.
Dr. Daniels stood and came around to sit in the chair next to me, placing her hand on my forearm. “Take your time, Beth. We’re in no hurry here.”
Her hand on my arm and her warm tone imparted a sense of calm, similar to the calm that I usually only felt when I was with Hayden.
“I’m bulimic,” I said.
She smiled at me. “Okay. That’s a good place to start.” She patted my arm and walked back around her desk and sat down.
The rest of the hour I spent with Dr. Daniels was mostly pleasant, with only a few minor panic attacks. By the time she studied the calendar and began talking admission dates, I allowed myself to feel some pride in what I was doing. Based on the history I had given her, Dr. Daniels said I would need to be an inpatient at the Treatment Center for four weeks. After that, if things were going well, I would go into a step-down program where I would come in two to three times a week for another two to four weeks. If that went well, I would be officially discharged from the Treatment Center, but would remain a patient of Dr. Daniels and we would meet once every two weeks and then once a month until we both felt those appointments were no longer necessary. She told me that many people with eating disorders continue to see their counselor or therapist once a month indefinitely. She assured me that this was not a sign of not getting better…it was a sign of being better and continuing to care for one’s mental health, which was paramount in situations like mine where deep emotional scars were the root.
Skin Deep Page 11
