“I see how it is,” I said, pretending to be hurt, and using that moment to excuse myself. “Annie, come on, I’ll fix you a bowl of ice cream.”
“We have chocolate and vanilla,” Maggie said when Annie and I stood. The television was on in the living room and it caught Annie’s eye. She wandered in to see what was on while I got out the bowls and spoons. I heard the patio door open and close. I looked up to see who came in. It was Lily.
“She’s really something, Hayden,” Lily said, tilting her head towards the living room where Annie was watching TV.
“She is.”
“And Molly is sweet. I like her.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t think I needed to. “Would you like some ice cream?”
“Are you kidding? Why do you think I came in here?”
“Chocolate or vanilla?”
“Both,” Lily said with a grin. “I’ve discovered the baby loves ice cream.”
I laughed. “You don’t want anything weird with it, like pickles do you?”
She laughed with me. “No. So far I’ve only been craving spinach and ice cream.”
I raised an eyebrow and stopped scooping momentarily. Then she quickly clarified, “Not together.”
“Thank God.” I handed Lily her bowl, making sure she had plenty to satisfy her craving. “Congratulations again,” I said, sincerely. “I’m happy for you both.”
“I know you are.” She picked up the spoon and began playing with the ice cream. “I wish Beth could have been here when we told everybody.” Then she looked me in the eye. “Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for?”
“For seeing what I didn’t see. You saw her, Hayden, when no one else did.” She lowered her head, shaking it from side to side. “Funny how she was asking us to forgive her in the letter she wrote to us, and I really want to ask her to forgive me.”
“What do you need forgiveness for?”
“I don’t know. I feel guilty for–”
“Don’t,” I said, cutting her off. “We’re not doing this. She feels guilty, you feel guilty, and I feel guilty. We need to stop this shit. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. Okay? None of us has twenty-twenty hindsight. What I do know with absolute certainty is she loves you, and she wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over this. So don’t.” I paused. “Hey…look at me.” Lily lifted her eyes to mine. “This is a happy time for you.” I smiled. “You’re having a baby, Lily. And we’re celebrating. Now, eat your ice cream. The baby needs the calcium.”
“Oh, that’s good,” Lily said, beaming. “Now, I can feel better for indulging in ice cream. It’s calcium.”
“Exactly.”
“Kish?” Annie called from the living room.
“Yeah, punkin?”
“I like your friends.”
I glanced at Lily out of the corner of my eye while I dipped ice cream into bowls. The corner of her mouth hooked to the right. So did mine.
“I’m glad,” I said. “They like you too.”
On the drive back to Molly and Annie’s apartment I cherished their company. I also longed to be alone. I needed to get out some of the feelings that had overwhelmed me so much today. I needed to write Beth a letter. Even if I didn’t mail it I still needed to talk to her...ask her about her day...let her know I was thinking about her. I needed this alone time with her, even if it was only in my mind.
“Ooooh, Kish, turn it up! I love this song.”
I turned up the volume and looked in the rearview mirror. Annie was bobbing her head and singing the words.
She was pretty stinkin’ cute singing Luke Bryan’s ‘Play It Again’ in the backseat. My eyes caught my own reflection briefly in the rearview mirror and I looked…happy. I’d take it. Even if I didn’t feel completely happy, in that moment, watching Annie light up, was the closest I was going to get in the near future.
Nearing their front door, I noticed their outside light was burned out. I made a mental note to fix that. We had barely stepped inside their apartment when Annie asked, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
Aaaaand on that note... “Whoa, look at the time!” I bent down in front of Annie. “Give me a hug, punkin, I gotta go.”
“Bye, Kish. Don’t forget to mail my picture.”
“I won’t. I promise.” I stepped towards Molly to give her a kiss on the cheek.
“You’re leaving? Right when she launched a grenade at me?” Molly whisper-shouted in my ear.
I glanced at Annie. She was looking up at us with her big baby blues, all innocent and sweet. I looked back at Molly, winked, and said, “You better believe it.” I made a beeline for the door, quickly closing it behind me. I could practically feel the daggers Molly threw at me behind the door. I walked back to my truck chuckling to myself.
When I got home, I wrote that letter to Beth that I needed to write. I brushed my teeth, turned down the covers, climbed into bed. Each task completed got a mental check mark. This was also how I got through my nights. Pathetic? Probably. But I was still above water, and I didn’t let myself sink. Today, I didn’t sink.
I would claim that as a small victory.
Beth
It was hard to believe I had already been an inpatient here for three weeks.
Dr. Daniels, Nancy, as she insisted I call her, had stepped out after Sarah had knocked softly on the door and apologized for interrupting. There was a bit of an emergency and Dr. Yearling had asked her to send Dr. Daniels to Room 402 immediately. I knew who was in Room 402. A young girl who had come to the Center the middle of last week… Kyleigh S. (we weren’t allowed to know or use last names). Kyleigh was anorexic, and she also showed up to the Center addicted to heroin. In the past couple of weeks I had met several young women and a couple of men who all had some type of eating disorder. I had also learned, through our group sessions, that most of them either had been addicted to drugs or alcohol or still were. Listening to them share their stories, I felt such gratitude that my own journey had not also included an addiction to any substances. I realized I was lucky in that respect.
Kyleigh arrived at the Center on Wednesday and went straight to detox, which was protocol for anyone arriving still in the clutches of addiction. Dr. Daniels had explained to me during our private sessions, and we had also discussed it in group, that treating the substance abuse came first. Once the body and mind were clear of drugs and/or alcohol, treatment for the eating disorder could begin. I had seen Kyleigh in group twice since she arrived and my heart broke for her. She couldn’t be more than eighteen years old and probably didn’t weigh ninety pounds. She had sat with her head down, her lank brown hair hanging across her face and obscuring her eyes. When Dr. Yearling asked her to state her name the first time she came to group, she looked up and for a moment we made eye contact. She had the most beautiful, soulful blue eyes, and for a brief moment, I could see the beautiful girl she could have been and probably had been before the drug use. As she began to share her story, her head once again hung down, speaking so softly we could barely hear her. I allowed myself to wonder what her life had been like. I allowed myself to wonder if Hayden hadn’t caught me, if I hadn’t let myself open up to him and if I hadn’t made the decision to come here, if years from now I might have ended up like Kyleigh S.
Twenty minutes had gone by since Dr. Daniels had left her office and I was growing increasingly concerned. In the distance, I heard sirens growing louder as emergency vehicles approached the Center. Knowing that wasn’t a good sign, I picked nervously at a cuticle until I made it bleed.
“Great,” I mumbled, reaching across Dr. Daniels’ desk for the box of tissues and grabbed one. I was pressing it to my finger to stop the bleeding when the door opened behind me.
“I’m sorry I kept you waiting.” Dr. Daniels’ voice was quiet and subdued. I knew before she said anything that Kyleigh S. was gone.
“It was Kyleigh, wasn’t it?” I asked.
Dr. Daniels nodded and took several tissues from the b
ox on her desk and dotted at the tears before they could fall. We stayed like that for several minutes, me in the chair, and Dr. Daniels leaning against her desk, neither of us saying anything. At last she leaned forward and patted me on the knee before walking around and sitting in her own chair. “I’m sorry, Beth. I try hard not to let my patients see me upset.”
“Why?” I asked her. There was silence between us again, which meant she didn’t want to answer my question. “Dr. Daniels?”
“Yes, Beth?”
“What happened...with Kyleigh? I mean, if it’s okay for me to ask.”
Dr. Daniels sighed. “It’s okay for you to ask. We do try to keep confidentialities here, but you know from group what was going on with Kyleigh, and I think it’s important that we share what happened to her with everyone in the group. Would you mind getting everyone on your hallway together and then meeting the rest of us in the commons area in about fifteen minutes?”
“Sure.”
“Thank you, Beth. We will reschedule our session for tomorrow at eleven, okay?”
“Of course,” I said, getting up and heading for the door.
I nodded at Sarah when I walked past her desk. Sarah, the sweet southern belle who had miraculously gotten me that first appointment with Dr. Daniels, had been crying. She smiled sweetly at me with red-rimmed eyes and I couldn’t help myself. I walked back over to her and put my arms around her. She hugged me back. “It never gets any easier,” she said. “When we lose someone, I mean.”
“I know, Sarah, I know.”
Later that night, awake in bed, I kept thinking about how fragile life can be. Our bodies can break and the breaks can heal, but when our hearts break…when our souls break…those breaks can be what tips us over the edge. I won’t pretend to know what made Kyleigh tip over and take her own life. But how sad her short life must have been for her that she thought her only route to peace was suicide. I’ve heard people say that those who kill themselves are selfish, leaving behind loved ones to grieve. I may have even thought that at one time. I don’t think that anymore because I don’t think Kyleigh was selfish. When I looked at her I saw something else behind those sad beautiful eyes of hers. At the time, I didn’t know what it was. Now I think…I think…maybe she was an angel who just wanted to go home.
I stared up at the ceiling, and whispered, “I hope you’re home, Kyleigh. I hope you’re home.”
I closed my eyes, clinging to sleep and to the hope that wherever Kyleigh was now, she could smile.
“You’ve got mail!” Sarah exclaimed while trying to catch up to me.
I stopped and turned around. “Huh?” I was on my way to another group session when Sarah stopped me. I hadn’t slept well the night before, and I was certainly feeling it. If I could find a quiet corner somewhere I would curl up into a ball and take a nap.
“Here,” she said, handing me an envelope. “I gotta run, hon. I’ll see you later!” She headed off toward her office before I could even reply. I looked at the envelope and saw the return address. Hayden.
For a minute I simply stared at the letter in my hands. Then for some reason I brought the letter up to my nose, and smelled it, hoping to catch Hayden’s scent I suppose. Unfortunately it didn’t smell like anything, except maybe a musty old post office.
I briefly considered ducking into the bathroom to read it, then decided against it. Instead, I tucked it inside my back pocket and continued on my way to occupational therapy. Though it was hard to concentrate on today’s “coping skills” with Hayden’s letter burning a hole in my pocket, I made it through. Luckily Sarah had given me the envelope towards the end of the day, so I didn’t have any more therapy sessions to attend, however, it was dinner time, and we’re not allowed to skip meals. By the time dinner was over I was more than ready to head back to my room so I could read the letter.
I burst into my room, ripped the envelope open, then I sat on my bed and held the letter up and began to read.
Beth,
Wow, this is the first time I’ve written, actually hand written, a letter in like ten years. It’s cool, though, maybe I’ll start doing it more often.
So, how are you? I hope you are doing well. Everyone wants me to say hello and to tell you they miss you and we can’t wait for you to come home. Ms. Sophie obviously read your letter to us, and I was shocked. I guess that’s the best way to put it. I was a little upset at first, because you were just gone and I couldn’t wrap my head around not seeing you for a month or more. But, Beth, I’m so proud of you. I miss you. Annie misses you, too, and is insisting that I take both of you to the park for a picnic when you get back.
Well, I don’t want to overwhelm you with this first letter, even though there is so much I want to say to you. I’ll save that for later. I can’t wait to see you again. I’m counting the days…
Love,
Hayden
P.S. Annie drew you a picture and made me promise to mail it to you.
P.P.S. The other day Cooper asked me how many times a day I think about you. I told him once… because I think about you first thing in the morning, and I don’t stop until I fall asleep.
I got up and put the letter and Annie’s picture on the magnetic board on the wall beside my bed. I moved my pillow to the foot of the bed so I could stare at Annie’s drawing. I stared at it until my eyes blurred. Then I removed Hayden’s letter from the board and reread it. Then I read it again, memorizing every word on the page, missing him so much it hurt.
After some time I put the letter back on the magnetic board, and grabbed the book off the bedside table. I had made sure to bring it with me. It was the book Ms. Sophie had given me. This was my new routine. Every night before bed, I would reflect on my day, my week, my life. I found that in a strange way, reading about someone else’s life helped me put my own life into perspective. I don’t know why. Maybe because it made me feel less alone. Maybe reading someone’s life, fiction or not, made me feel…connected to the outside world. I needed to feel connected. I needed to know that other people have felt the same way as I have. It made me feel like imaginary fingers were reaching out, through the pages of this book, and touching me in a way that enabled me to keep moving forward. I needed to move forward. I needed to find the girl…the girl I should have become…would have become…could become. I’ll take any avenue to get there. Coming here set me on the right path; this book…it seemed to light the way.
I opened the book to the page where I had left off and began to read. I read for about a half an hour and was about to close the book for the night when I came to this part…and then I read it again, because for some reason it spoke to me:
They say love changes you. And you know what? It does.
When I was younger I hated all things sports-related. It just wasn’t my thing. I liked visiting museums or finding a quiet spot in the corner so I could people watch. But sometime after meeting the love of my life, I gave up my quiet spot in the corner, and traded it in for big crowds inside giant stadiums. Why? Because he loved all things sports-related.
He gave up things for me, too. Usually it was his umbrella on stormy days…or his loud rock-n-roll music for my quiet symphony music.
Love makes us do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu
I want to be courageously in love forever…
…because he made me want forever.
I dog-eared the page and turned off the light.
Hayden
“Forty-two my ass.”
“What?” I asked Joe.
His face snarled into a grimace.
He had come over with his nieces because I had Annie over, and we thought it would be good for the girls to start to get to know each other.
He pointed at the television like he was about to accuse it of a crime. “There is no way that man is forty-two years old! Every time I watch this show it always amazes me how old people
look. That guy looks like he’s sixty, at least.”
We were watching an old episode of Emergency and the actors did look to be older than people typically look today.
“Okay, now watch,” Joe continued. “Roy Desoto and John Gage answered a call to a house… a woman is unresponsive. They’ll call it in and they’ll give her approximate age...” He thumped me on the arm when I sat back down, and he pointed at the screen again. “Quick… how old does she look to you?”
I popped a pretzel in my mouth. “Uh…” I squinted in concentration. “Well, I would say she’s in her late fifties.”
Joe grinned. “I would guess that too.” No sooner had he agreed with me than they were claiming her approximate age was thirty-four.
“No way!” I stated emphatically.
“See?” Joe said, “No wonder we thought someone in their thirties was old when we were growing up. They got fifty year olds to play them!”
We used to watch old TV show reruns with Joe’s granddad all the time. He was hilarious and fun to be around. In fact, Joe is a lot like his grandfather.
“This really bothers you, doesn’t it?” I asked with a chuckle.
“Yes! It bugs the hell out of me,” Joe said. “I don’t know why…”
The front door burst open and Annie ran in and went straight down the hallway like her tail was on fire, followed by a slamming door. Seconds after that, Lexie and Mandy, Joe’s nieces, came inside and closed the front door behind them.
“Hey,” Joe asked, turning toward the girls, “why did Annie go tearing down the hallway?”
“That boy across the street was being mean to Annie,” Lexie said.
I came off the couch like I had been sitting on pine needles. “What?” I looked out the window and saw some kid across the street bouncing a ball. He looked to be nine or ten. “That kid?” I asked, pointing.
“Yeah,” Mandy said. “That’s him. We don’t like him.”
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