Lash was silent, his expression thoughtful and introspective.
“Why did you want to know all that?” I asked him again.
“I want not to lose you like he did,” Lash hissed, clearly agitated. “I want to not make the same mistakes he did with you. But my temper’s a bad one, Sar. Sometimes I’m as bad as Devlin, worse really, though I know you haven’t seen me like that too often, mostly with Theo.”
That went without saying. I still remembered his confession at Davy’s. He’s got no memory of that night. There’s no point bringing it up now.
“I want you to tell me, if I’m doing something wrong,” Lash hissed, holding me against him, his cheek pressed into my hair, my face in the crook of his neck. “Tell me, so I can fix it, before you decide it’s easier not to try anymore to make it work. I don’t ever want to fight with you again the way we did a few weeks ago.”
“It’s a deal, if you’ll do the same for me,” I said, and kissed him. He pulled back, and gave me a tilted-head look, like he didn’t know what I meant.
“Lash, you should have told me very bluntly that you needed me as a snake,” I said gently. “You should’ve told me that you had gotten a potion for me, for us—”
“The first I already did,” Lash said a little testily. “And I was worried you’d refuse.”
“I told you I loved you,” I replied, trying to keep my irritation in check. “I need you to be honest with me.”
“Talk about honest! You should have told me immediately when you realized you were in love with me. That very moment, you should have been calling me,” Lash hissed forcefully. “I would have been on the road in the next minute, coming to get you so we could be together, no matter who stood in my way, Danial, Dev, or Theo. I knew you cared for me a little, but—”
“Should I have said ‘I care deeply for you’?” I mocked.
“Don’t be sarcastic about this, or I’ll spank you,” Lash hissed sharply, “You’ve been in love before, Sar. You knew what you were feeling. I hadn’t been before—”
Lash went silent, realizing what he’d just admitted. We didn’t speak for a minute, just holding one another.
“I wanted to say what I felt a lot of times,” I whispered in his ear. “But I was afraid to.”
“Tell me again.”
“I love you, Lash.”
Lash didn’t reply. He just hugged me close to him, as if he would never let me go.
* * * *
That Devlin was not happy when he came to was an understatement. He was livid I’d dosed him with a sleeping potion, and incensed to find Ulysses dead. But when Lash told him about Jerry’s betrayal, and also the information that Jerry had given up before Lash killed him, Devlin thanked Lash and I for killing him instead.
Lash had discovered from Jordan, Elle’s attacker, that Ulysses was watching Danial’s home, to see who came and went. We’d always assumed the watch point was from some location on or near the road that led to Danial’s hidden driveway, but we’d been wrong.
It came to light through Jerry that Ulysses had sold Robin’s werewolf pelt for a massive cloaking spell. It hid the two large RV’s that he’d parked on Danial’s land off the road that he’d bought with money from the first stolen werebear pelt. He’d been lurking and plotting there all along, with no one the wiser. But the most chilling thing was that Bill Winger, Elle’s tutor, had been helping Ulysses, feeding him information on patrols and guard routes, so that none of the guards, not even Theo or Tears, had noticed any comings and goings from Ulysses’ camp. That was how he’d known where to find Danial that night he and T were attacked. How he’d known where to find Sundown, that day she was attacked. Bill had mistaken her for me, when he saw her driving past. Ulysses had even been using Danial’s vehicles; the van Elle had been attacked in had been one that had belonged to Lander that had been sitting in storage for the last few years. The Pathfinder Ulysses had driven to his challenge fight with Devlin had been the one Danial had purchased for T, when he had first learned to drive.
That very afternoon, after killing Jerry, Lash and Titus went to Danial’s home and together with Theo, Terian, and T, they destroyed the rest of Ulysses’ camp. Lash wouldn’t talk about it after, except to say vengeance had been done and there was nothing left but ashes. But Devlin told me later that there had been evidence that Jerry was going to act to let Ulysses free inside Hayden, and also arrange to have the gate open, in order for an all-out attack to take place, one involving more than fifty werebears, all polar bears that had once been employees of Ebediah. Devlin said nothing about what had happened to those bears, or the two from the day of his battle with Ulysses, but he advised me to wear my headset in the basement for the next month when I worked down there on e-mail for T. I agreed, and asked nothing more.
Bill was brought to Hayden by Lash the day after Ulysses died, shaking and shivering, but untouched. But when he saw Devlin baring his fangs evilly, he wet his pants in sheer terror.
Devlin, denied of his own revenge against Ulysses, took out all of his anger on Bill, setting him free outside at dusk, telling if he made it over the wall of Hayden, he would be allowed to live. My vengeful vampire lord spent the night playing with the former tutor, and came back before dawn licking his lips. I knew by Dev’s pure satiated look that he’d let Bill get to the wall, and almost over it before killing him. But I didn’t shed a single tear for that bastard.
The most unsettling thing was the unexpected discovery of a werefox pelt in Ulysses’ camp. It had not come from one of Danial’s foxes, but some creature had lost its life. We reasoned that this was how Terian had found out about Lash and I, that one of Ulysses men, perhaps the sorcerer killed by Terian, had been spying on us that night we’d returned from the Everglades. That they had overheard what had happened, and seen that Terian was the weak link, and the key to infiltrating Danial’s home. Because it was clear from Jerry’s confession that Ulysses hadn’t been able to set up camp at Danial’s until Terian had been out of the way.
After hearing that, I felt responsible in a way for what had happened. Devlin hugged me, and assured me that Terian did, too, asking me to let it go. “Ulysses would have found some other way to infiltrate Danial’s, if not that one,” he said soothingly. “Don’t blame yourself.” But secretly, I wondered if that were true.
* * * *
Lash and I were lying in bed one afternoon. Devlin was feeding in Titus’s old room, and I knew he would be a while, as he’d said not to expect him to be joining us until after nine or so. Lash had used the opportunity to make love with me, as he often did, and then we had slept a while, our bodies entwined. I’d cried when I awoke from a dream of Devon, and my weresnake mate had held me, saying nothing.
“I never got to know what he looked like,” I wailed. “I won’t recognize him, when I die, if I go to where he is.”
“He’ll recognize you,” Lash whispered gently. “And he’ll come bounding up to see you, probably knocking you over. You’ll hear him purr again, Sar. You’ll see his human form then, too. He’ll probably look just like Theo.”
“It’s funny,” I whispered, smiling bitterly. “But humans have wreaked the greatest hurt on me. It wasn’t a vampire, a were, or even a demon. It was humans.”
“What do you mean?” Lash hissed softly, pushing my hair back from my eyes. “Ulysses was human, but all vampires start out as human.”
“Not that. All this started because Theo was taken from me by a human, who wanted to sell him for profit, and because another human wanted to use Danial and he for target practice. You know the story?”
Lash nodded that he did.
“Danial and I were over, Lash,” I sighted, looking into space. “But when Theo disappeared, I went back to him. I couldn’t give up on Theo, though, so I promised myself I wouldn’t Oath to him, or marry him. I told himself it was the mortality difference, but it wasn’t, not then—”
“Sar, this is water long over the dam, and down the river.”
&nb
sp; “—but I knew he wanted a child, and I thought to myself, I could give him that instead. I had wanted one anyway, after being Elle’s mother. But I had no idea all this would happen.”
“You mean Devlin wanting you, and the Rulers wanting you, and all that?”
“I never thought about it. But Theo brought it up, right when we first went to see Carol. He was right, Lash. Everything that happened later built on my having Theoron with Danial. And if Theo hadn’t been taken, I wouldn’t have gone back to Danial. I’d have stayed working at the metal fabrication plant. Theo would’ve married me, and would’ve quit working for Danial—”
“He was going to quit?” Lash said, rolling his eyes. “Sar, there’s no quitting this line of work. You do it until you get killed. That’s it for a retirement plan.”
“He said as much later. But even so, I’d have let Danial go, probably only seen him a few times a year in passing. Elle wouldn’t have known him well, either. I would’ve had more children with Theo. Devlin would never have been interested in me.”
“That’s untrue,” Lash hissed softly. “He was angry, very angry for what happened to him at Terian’s hands, Sar. So was I. He blamed you for it, more so than Terian, or Theo. You know Devlin well now. You know he would not have been out of power for long, no matter what he had to do to get it again. I would’ve done what I did for him with Ebediah probably, and he would have become a Ruler again. As soon as he was a Ruler again, I would’ve come for you, to bring you to him, no matter where you were, or who you were with.”
I shivered, because it was there in Lash’s tone that he was telling the truth.
“But why are you thinking of this now?” Lash hissed. “In the world you speak of, most everyone’s lost in misery. Danial never knows the joy of being a father, or loving you, and he’s alone. Devlin’s powerful again, but despite him probably laying everyone in sight, he’s not happy as he is now; he’s emotionally empty, and still angry at the world for losing Annabelle. Danial and he are still estranged. You are a prisoner of Devlin’s, having had at least one child for him by now. Theo’s dead by my hand. And I’d be dead for sure.”
I hugged Lash against me tighter. “I’m very, very glad you aren’t dead.”
“Me, too,” he agreed, laughing a little. “So why are you thinking of this?”
“Because so much would’ve been different. I’m not saying it would be better—”
“You are thinking of Furface, because he made you feel as if you’re to blame for the way things turned out,” Lash hissed, annoyed. “He wouldn’t be happy, either, Sar. If a challenger like Robert hadn’t killed him, I would’ve killed him when I came for you. Devlin only came himself that night to take you because he thought you were alone, with maybe a human boyfriend, if that, and there was no real risk to him. If he’d known Theo was living with you, he’d have sent me to get you, and bring you to him. In that world, I was never your lover, never knew you like I do, Sar. And as much as I might have felt sorry taking you from your family, I would have done it, probably killing Theo in the process. I don’t want to admit it, but the truth is you had caused the events that led to Danial getting Devlin deposed. I would’ve wanted revenge myself on you for that, as you were the one who sealed my fate, doomed me.”
I wondered what he would have done to me for revenge, and decided I wasn’t going to ask. I still remembered Devlin’s confession more than a year ago; I didn’t want another one to keep me awake nights. “Titus might have told Dev what was needed to save you. He’d have no reason not to then, with us not being together.”
“Save he hates me, and always has,” Lash hissed angrily. “But you’re right. Devlin could’ve drank Ebediah’s blood, and let me have Sola’s. I possibly could’ve lived, if Titus had given me that potion he had talked about.” Lash tilted my head, so I looked at his eyes. “But Devlin would’ve tried sooner or later to have a child with you, no matter what else happened. He would’ve tried until he succeeded, Sar. The other Rulers would’ve wanted you then. He also would have shared you with Danial, eventually, and you’d have had a child with him, too, in time, probably called Theoron. You would’ve ended up Oathed to them both in that world, too, most likely living here as you do now. Butthere’s no way to say this nicelyyou’d have been fucked up in the process. Devlin has hurt women in the past, Sar, and enjoyed it. I don’t like to tell you bad things about him, but it’s fact that he would’ve broken you, when he bent you to his will. You’d have fought him, and he’d have liked you fighting him, liked showing you that no matter what you did, he was going to have anything he wanted of you. He’d have been sorry after you had his child, when he would’ve cared for you, maybe even loved you, but by then it would’ve been too late.”
“Stop,” I said, sickened. “You’re right, this is pointless to discuss.”
“Listen,” Lash hissed, “Know this, Sar. The only thing truly different in that world is that Theo’s dead and I killed him. And that you and I would never have been together, because you’d never have forgiven me taking his life.” He paused. “I never want to hear you utter another word about what might have been, because the thought of not knowing you, not being like this with you is so awful I don’t want to ever think about it, or have you think about it, either. There is no world but this one, where we sleep together every night, and you’re my mate.”
I clasped him to me and hugged him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”
“The point is I feel good,” Lash hissed contentedly, rubbing his scratchy cheek against mine. “I’ve been alone my whole life, even when I had a woman I called my own. But I have you now, and Venus and Dev, too. I’m happy.” He paused, his tone becoming tender. “Even though you’re still hurting, when enough time passes, you’ll be happy again, too, Sar. I’m looking forward to that time, when I see you truly smile again.” He paused, stroking my back with his hand. “Mind you, I’m not rushing you to heal your hurt. Tell me, if you need me to hold you, or give you space, or whatever. I’m here for you, and Dev is, too, even if he gets moody about not getting his way.”
“Thank you,” I said gratefully, burrowing into him.
He sighed, and held me close. For some time after, we didn’t speak. Then abruptly, I realized I had a question for him. “Titus knew what you meant with that knife you gave me, didn’t he?”
Lash nodded. “He can read most languages, Sar. He saw the symbol, and knew what I was asking you, even if you didn’t. That’s why he was so permissive about the sex, after he found out we had been together. He knew you were my mate then. He knew you’d come to me willingly. But even though he knew I was loyal to Devlin, he could tell I wanted you for myself. That’s why he recharged the tracking spell on you, and made sure that Devlin found us together. He didn’t trust me not to grab you and take off.”
I ran my hands over his chest, stroking gently. “But you wouldn’t have done that.”
Lash looked at me and laughed, but it was a mocking laugh. “Don’t be so sure,” he cautioned, kissing my cheek. “When I was lying with you that last hour, making out, and we were waiting for Titus to come to get you, I was thinking hard about it, about asking you to come with me and just take off, to be with me. But I couldn’t do it, not just because of Dev, and the damned tracking spell, but because I thought you might still need the vampire blood to live. I didn’t want you to die, or for me to have to turn you into snake.”
“I almost tried to get you to bite me, that day back in the spring. To turn me.”
Lash lifted my chin, so he could see my face clearly. “When was this?”
“That day Dev forced me to wear his collar,” I said, blushing at the memory. “But it was for selfish reasons. I thought if I was weresnake, you’d help me escape him, want me for yourself—”
“I did want you for myself, even then,” Lash admitted, kissing my shoulders. “I wanted you to wear my snake colors, so I could think of you in snake form.”
“But I was pregn
ant then,” I finished. “I thought my children would die, if you bit me, and I couldn’t risk it.”
Lash drew back. “I remember now,” he said softly, his eyes dark and serious. “I saw you reach out to me, and I wondered if you wanted me, the real me. But when you took your hand back, I decided you’d just been going to ask me something, and reconsidered. I never slept Sar, not when we were out in the open, and vulnerable, though you did. We were together, and that was enough.” Lash kissed me again. “I wouldn’t have bitten you, even if you’d asked me to. It would’ve killed your children, changing for the first time, and I could never harm a child. Not ever.” There was something in his tone, some old pain, that made me hug him tighter. But Lash did not elaborate.
“But if Titus was so permissive, why was he against us spending time after we came back? He went on and on about staying away from you, every time he talked to me.”
“Because he didn’t want you with me, just like he hates that we are together now,” Lash said acrimoniously. “He doesn’t like to think of me anywhere near you, much less in you, you who he considers his daughter. He refused initially to make the potion for me to give you to become snake. Devlin finally had to force him to do it. But he seems to have calmed down some. Is he still giving you any shit about me?” Lash’s tone had turned angry by the end.
“He’s not happy,” I admitted finally. “But he can see that we care about each other, and he knows that we’re officially mated, and that being yours is part of my Oath.”
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