by J. Thorn
I guess it was a good thing that we hadn’t just parked and gone into the pizza place to start asking the locals about anything strange going on in the woods. If we had, we would have totally missed the old man zombie stumbling out of the alley a block away.
How weird is that? A town as small as Estacada and they still have dirty little alleys. I know, totally weird. I mean, an alley is something you expect in someplace like New York or Chicago. You certainly would not expect to find one in a tiny logging community like this.
“What do we do with it?” Jeremy asked as we got out of the car and moved in for a closer look.
He had rushed up to the zombie as soon as he realized what it was. Only, once he got close and took in a good whiff, he became a giant sissy. He poked at it with his fingers and kept jumping back like he was afraid of the damn thing. The trouble with that whole reaction was the simple fact that the zombie didn’t even seem to notice that he was there. It just kept on trudging across the street like nothing was happening.
As for me. Well, I was having an entirely different response. As soon as I got a sniff of that thing, my sharkmouth had come on in full force. It was chomping time!
Part of me really wanted to tear into this thing, but it seemed to be walking with such a purpose that my cat-like curiosity told me to follow it a while and see what happens. It turned down a narrow residential street. This is where some of my special abilities really started to come in handy. I could listen to all the surrounding houses. So far, most everybody was settled in and listening to the evening news. A few were already asleep, and one house made me blush…if ghouls blush that is. I know that I quickly redirected my attention away from that particular house as soon as I realized what it was that I was hearing. Okay…not right away, but pretty soon.
Then something happened that really got my attention. The left arm fell off of the zombie. Not wanting it to go to waste, yes I picked it up and snacked on it as I continued to follow. Jeremy, to his credit, stayed just a few steps away and didn’t try to bother me while I ate.
I kept pace with the zombie as it made another turn. I was not all that surprised when the other arm fell off. Hey, you have popcorn, I get zombie arms.
However, I was surprised when the zombie stopped at a house that was sort of away from the beaten path. This place was little more than a run-down shack. The zombie, what was left of him anyway, walked up to the rusty fence and stopped at the gate. When it looked down, I imagine that was the first time it became aware that it no longer had any arms. By the way…they were dee-lish!
I was ready to move in and put this thing away when the door to the house opened and an old lady came out.
“That you, Horace?” she squawked. “Told you if you left with that eye-tal-yon gal that you could just stay gone.”
Horace’s only reply was a low moan. Well, at least I knew that Adrianna had been here. Not a lot of European women wandering around the streets of Estacada, Oregon. But the question now was, why here? Why these people in particular?
I stopped dead in my tracks; no pun intended. Although I do have to admit that was a pretty good one. Something about all of this suddenly made no sense at all. This Queen of the Zombies was bent on taking over the world. That part I don’t really have a problem with. Granted, I don’t understand it, but I guess it must simply be part of her nature. What I was totally at a loss to explain was why she would come to this place. And not that I have anything against my beautiful Pacific Northwest, but nothing really major when it comes to world events happens here. In fact, Seattle would be a much more appropriate setting for somebody bent on taking over or wiping out the world.
Estacada, Oregon is someplace I am willing to bet none of you have heard of in your life. Most of the folks who live in Oregon probably have no idea where this place is.
“Go back in your home, Betty,” a voice spoke from the shadows.
I felt a slight breeze to my left. Jeremy had vanished. As for me, I was standing in the shadow of a tall hedge. One more step and I would have been in the flickering glow of the streetlight. Sometimes it pays to be lucky.
I watched Adrianna step into that streetlight’s glow. She was wearing all black and looked sickeningly sexy. The outfit seemed to have been poured over her body. Not one little roll or bulge. Where is the fairness? Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail that barely reached past the base of her neck. To put it bluntly, she looked amazing.
“Who’s there?” Betty snapped. “Sounds like that trashy little tramp that came and took my Horace?”
“I don’t want you hurt, Betty,” Adrianna said with surprising softness. “Go inside…now.”
The zombie, Horace I have to assume, let out another moan. I saw this woman Betty stop in her tracks. She had actually been just about to return inside when she heard that pitiful sound.
“What have you done to my Horace?” Betty snapped. She reached inside her door. I was expecting a gun.
That is another thing about my beloved Pacific Northwest. If a zombie outbreak were to ever happen. I would give my state even money on the odds for survival—us and probably Texas.
Instead, she came out with a walker. She plucked the eyeglasses that hung from a chain around her neck and pushed them up on her nose with what I imagine must be considered defiance. Betty wasn’t taking no crap from Adrianna. I expected Adrianna to blow up or something. I expected her to cop that smarmy attitude that she used with me when we met. Instead, she walked up to Horace and placed her hand on his forehead. The zombie dropped like somebody had just pulled the plug.
“Betty, please go inside, I will explain everything to you inside.” Her voice was almost kind, that was not at all what I expected.
Tell her to kiss your wrinkly behind, Betty, I thought. I waited for that cantankerous old woman to lay into Adrianna like nobody’s business. Instead, she turned and walked back inside. The rattling slam of the screen door followed a second later. This was not my night for guessing how people would react.
“Ava,” Adrianna called into the darkness.
“Seriously?” I spat.
“I don’t have time for you right now.” Adrianna turned and looked right at me. I guess that’s what I get for thinking that I am so unique and special. Perhaps when dealing with humans that was the case, but not when dealing with other supes.
“So you’ve known I was here the whole time?” I asked as I stepped out of the shadows.
“Yes, and your little vampire friend, too.”
“Figures you would practically quote the Wicked Witch of the West,” I grumbled.
“You shouldn’t be able to do that,” Jeremy said with way too much awe in his voice as he stepped off the roof of a house across the street.
“Met a lot of Zombie Queens have you?” Adrianna dismissed Jeremy with one hand and turned her focus to me. “And perhaps you were not clear when we parted ways. You and I are now set against the other. You have chosen to side with whoever is so recklessly in charge of this area.”
Recklessly in charge? Morgan would love that…if I survived this encounter long enough to share that little tidbit.
“Can I call for a momentary truce?” I asked. Hey, it couldn’t hurt.
“This is not really a good time,” Adrianna sighed. She glanced down at the crumpled body at her feet, and then at the door that Betty had vanished through.
“Let me ask one question and I will leave you to whatever sick and twisted thing you have going on here,” I offered.
“If you do me one favor, I will answer one question,” Adrianna replied. The problem is, she came back with that way too fast for comfort. To say that I didn’t trust her was a huge understatement.
“Don’t get me wrong—” I started, but Adrianna was seriously impatient and cut me off.
“I told you that I don’t have time for this, Ava,” she snapped. “Either take the deal or leave.”
That was kind of rude. Plus, it totally left out the possibility that just maybe we were goi
ng to have to fight it out right here and now. I mean, it was obvious that she was doing zombie stuff. There was no denying that one lay at her feet right this very minute.
My job, as assigned by Morgan, had been to come out here and deal with the zombie threat if one existed. I could now safely confirm that zombies were in fact wandering about the town of Estacada. Okay…it was only one, but it had to start someplace, right?
My quandary was still the whole ‘why here’ question. I will admit that I would probably never be nominated for detective of the year. However, I could find no logical reason why Adrianna would come all the way out to such a remote location from wherever she’d been kept imprisoned to kick off her latest attempt at wiping out the world.
In the end, I decided that it was unlikely that we could be standing on another of those thing-a-ma-jigs that bound us like at Voodoo. If her request was too unreasonable, I could just refuse and walk away. What would happen? She would hate me more? She would want to kill me? Twice?
“Okay, what is the favor?” I asked.
I was expecting something really terrible. In fact, I was already trying to figure out which way to run when I changed my mind. Let’s face it, I still didn’t know what sorts of powers this chick was packing. I already knew that she could erase herself from my memory and raise zombies. Although, from what I’d seen, she was not all that good at the latter.
“I need you to dispose of this,” she pointed to the crumpled and armless figure at her feet.
“You want me to dispose of…mmrglllph?” I asked, not entirely sure of what her definition of dispose might be. I knew what mine was…stupid sharkmouth. How was I going to ask my question like this?
“Yes, and quickly.” Adrianna didn’t seem to have a problem with the way in which I would be disposing of her failed attempt at creating a zombie.
Have you ever watched the news when they show the newest little creature born at the zoo—especially the chimps. Sometimes they are really shy and timid when they deal with their handlers. They sneak forward, grab whatever food is offered and then scurry back to what they consider a safe distance.
I imagine that is a pretty accurate description of how I snatched up the old man’s body and then quickly moved out of arms’ reach. Adrianna didn’t seem at all interested in me, though. And I went to town.
“Now, hurry with your question, I have something to do.”
“Why here?” That seemed simple enough. Of course, without the ju-ju or mojo thing, I had no idea how much truth I would be getting. I already knew that Adrianna was not that interested in sharing information with me.
“Haven’t you figured it out yet, you silly ghoul?” she laughed. The thing was, it wasn’t one of those ‘laugh with me’ type laughs. This was definitely an ‘at me’ type of laugh.
“Maybe I just want to check my facts,” I retorted as I wiped the last bit of ghoul drool from my chin. To his credit, Horace was pretty tasty. I had expected something far more stringy. And when I burped, I got a distinct aftertaste of whiskey.
“I doubt that.” Adrianna opened the screen door that Betty had vanished through. “However, I will answer your question.” She let the door shut at her back and turned to face me.
Hmm, this must be a doozy, I thought.
“My ancestors left the country shortly after I came into my powers. Whether out of fear or some other reason, I have no idea. Through whatever bizarre set of circumstances the Fates have spun, the bloodline is here.”
I had to take a few seconds to process what she had told me. I guess I never really got into tracing my ancestors. Sure, I see those commercials for the genealogy sites, but I just never cared. Just my luck, I would discover that I am from a long line of waitresses and bar maidens that have had their asses grabbed and pinched over the centuries.
“So these are you great-great-however-many-times-over grandparents?” I asked.
“Something like that,” Adrianna said with a nod.
“So you came here to find your family?” I wasn’t sure I was seeing the big picture. In fact, if my history tells you anything…I barely see what is directly in front of me.
“That is another question,” Adrianna said with a dismissive wave of her hand. With that, she turned her back on me and went inside.
I considered going after her. After all, she had turned an old man into a zombie and now she was inside with the wife. She claimed that they were relatives. I didn’t see what that might have to do with anything. I just knew that I was missing something.
“Maybe we should go.” Jeremy had my arm.
I snapped out of it and glanced at the vampire. Then I felt a wisp of something brush across my skin. My brain felt all funny, also, I wasn’t sure, but I thought I might have eaten something that was having a strange effect on me.
“Where in the world are we?” I looked around and could not recognize a thing. That couldn’t be good. Do ghouls sleepwalk?
“C’mon, Ava,” Jeremy urged, tugging on my arm.
I heard something and glanced at the rickety house that I was standing in front of. Something in the back of my brain tried to break loose, but just that quick, it was smoothed over and I was back to being confused again.
“Wow,” was all Jeremy said. He took my hand and led me back to my car.
My head started to swim, and it took me a few seconds to realize what the problem might be. Although I didn’t see how that could be possible.
“You better drive,” I said, digging through my carry bag for my keys.
I had enough experience with this particular sensation to know it exactly for what it was: I was drunk. I had no idea how it had happened, but I was ‘Last Call’ drunk. In other words, it felt like I’d been at the club since the doors opened sucking down the booze that some guy had given me all night with the hopes that I would be putting out. I have to confess…that worked way more times than it ever should.
I found the keys and tried to hand them to Jeremy, but apparently I tried to put them in the wrong hand. To clarify, of the three Jeremys that I was currently seeing, I handed my keys to the one on the left. That one turned out to be a mirage or something.
I tried to bend down and pick up my keys, but was faced with a new dilemma: two sets kept swirling back and forth and changing places with each other.
“This can’t be good,” Jeremy muttered as he bent down and grabbed my keys on the first try!
“Well aren’t you just special,” I said while admiring the view of what I discovered were surprisingly firm buns. I say ‘surprisingly’ only because I have no idea how I had not noticed them before.
I reached out to grab a set, hoping desperately that I got the real ones this time. Nope. And now I was sitting on the ground. Actually, sitting is not the right word. I was on my side, sorta, and leaned up against my car.
Yikes! Had I scratched my beautiful new baby? I ran my hands over the shiny red surface and put my face really close so I could see. It looked okay, but I was amazed at how cool the polished red metal felt against my cheek.
“Up we go,” Jeremy said as he reached under my arms and pulled me to my feet.
Now I was face to face with this very cute, and for some reason, very serious looking, vampire. I ran one finger under his smooth chin and was thrilled that I got the right one. His face was so close to mine that I didn’t actually see two, but the one I did see was all wavy and shimmery.
Now just a second! I know what you are thinking. I said shimmery. I did not say sparkly. I have no idea why that whole thing started, but vampires do not sparkle or glitter…or whatever. So don’t start accusing me of saying something that I didn’t.
But back to the curiously attractive vampire. I leaned in close and kissed his cheek.
That was all it took. I shoved him away from me and stumbled to the curb where I leaned over and hurled. Hey…I didn’t know that ghouls could puke either, so this is news to both of us. A glance over my shoulder proved that it was a surprise to Jeremy as well.
>
I looked down at the slurry that was all over that drainage grate. I was pretty sure that I could make out most of a liver and all of the heart. I got news…it did not taste nearly as good the second time.
My head was still spinning, but it seemed that I was at least over the puking. I staggered back to the car where Jeremy had remained with the cutest look of confusion on his face. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve and tried to smile.
“Are you going to be okay?” Jeremy asked.
“I think so…why?”
“Because you have a strange look on your face.”
So much for my ‘sexy eyes’ look. I guess when they are solid black, it is difficult to make them sexy. I tried another approach.
“You wanna fuck?”
“Umm…”
That is never a good response. You see, I have discovered in all my years with men that they are pretty much in the mood twenty-four hours a day. They could be on their death bed and would want to give it one last go ‘round. Seriously, ladies, next time your man is sick. Get him into bed and slither under the covers. A lick and a tickle and the little soldier is ready for duty.
“Are you sure that you are in any condition—” he began.
“My condition?” I snapped. “I’m not pregnant. I just ate something that obviously did not agree with me. I’m fine now, and I have noticed you sneaking a few looks here and there…” I sniffled big and dabbed at my eyes. The fact that there weren’t actually any tears was irrelevant at the moment.
“Ava,” Jeremy said in a soft voice as he stepped close and wrapped his arms around me, “I just mean that you might be poisoned or something. In fact, if I didn’t know any better I would say that you are drunk.”
“Can supernatural beings get drunk?” I asked with another big sniffle as I burrowed my face into Jeremy’s chest. Oops, big mistake. Remember that whole thing about vampires smelling like chocolate cake frosted in filth? I turned my head to the side and tried to suck in some clean air in hopes that it would keep me from yakking all over him.
“I know that vampires get a version of it from over-indulging in fresh blood. It is what makes them sloppy. A blood-drunk vampire is not as diligent in tidying up his or her mess. That is why we usually feed in groups.”
