by J. Thorn
Louise leaned against the counter and sighed. "Don't worry about it. Guy got his feelings hurt. He'll get over it."
"Probably," Marcia said, in a tone that said she wasn't convinced. "But be careful is all I'm saying. That's a big bull to have on your tail. And he isn't used to having the girls in here do anything but flirt with him, or at least take it a little better than you did."
Louise found the thought of that nauseating. She was about to say as much when Chet, the cook, appeared at the hatch and cried out in his irritating nasally voice, "Order up!"
Marcia waggled her eyebrows in an "I'm just saying" gesture before she turned and grabbed the two plates Chet had set there. A pair of mushroom omelets threaded steam as the waitress beamed her way down to the booth by the front door.
Outside, the snow had robbed the streets of color, reducing them to a monochrome depiction of quiet streets and tall silent buildings framed by a lead-colored sky. Dirty slush had gathered by the curbs, and what little life moved through that drab watercolor did so wrapped up tight in warm clothing, heads bowed to watch booted feet traversing treacherous ice-limned sidewalks.
This is not my world, Louise thought, but felt a pang of frustration when it came to her that though she'd had that same thought innumerable times over the years, she had yet to find a place that was. She was adrift and always had been, in a sea of other people's unhappiness, seemingly incapable of finding that single tributary that would lead her away to the place she sought and couldn't name, or even imagine to any encouraging degree. Elsewhere, she decided. Anywhere but here. But how often had she thought that too? And every single time, she'd picked up her life and moved, buoyed by the promise of light at the end of the tunnel, gold at the end of the rainbow, only to find herself in the same situation again and again and again. Stuck, miserable, and as good as alone, with a view of the future that never extended beyond the next paycheck.
Tomorrow, she decided, repeating the mantra that kept her from losing her mind. Tomorrow it'll be better.
Chet hailed her and she moved around the counter to pick up the order. There were four plates, each loaded with enough cholesterol to kill a horse, and that was before the men doctored their fries with catsup, salt and vinegar, and whatever else they could find to smother the taste. The smell of the food made her stomach turn. She stuffed some knives and forks in napkins, then expertly balanced the plates in both hands and headed for Ty's table.
"Damn that smells good," one of the men said, and rubbed his hands briskly together. "I'm starving here." And while the other men nodded their thanks, or smiled at her in appreciation, hunger bringing back the manners their Mommas had taught them, Ty, his face close to hers as she set the plates down, continued to stare. If he was indeed as pissed as Marcia had seemed to think he was, there was nothing to stop him making it known now through violence. She was all but presenting herself to him, and he could do plenty of damage by the time anyone realized what was happening.
"Somethin' you want to say to me, Ty?" she asked quietly, as she set down the napkin swaddled knives and forks.
"Just looking at that bruise around your eye," he said, his voice equally calm. His tone threw her a little. It was almost one of concern, as if he was preparing to make a conciliatory speech on behalf of his fellow swine.
"What about it?" she asked, and felt her cheeks redden, suddenly self-conscious.
"How'd you get it?"
"That ain't none of your business."
"Well," he said, leaning closer. She could smell cigarettes on his breath. "You should tell your man that his fists aren't doing the trick. You still haven't got no respect."
She felt her face grow hot, and the eyes of the men on her, waiting for a reaction. They said not a word, forks held close to their mouths, still loaded with food as they absorbed what had just occurred. A line had been crossed they would never have crossed themselves it seemed, but perhaps out of fear, they weren't about to point that out to their boss, who showed not the slightest sign that he regretted what he'd said. Louise straightened slowly and brushed absently at some imaginary wrinkles in her skirt. She looked from Ty, and the satisfied smile on his thick rubbery lips, to the cutlery she'd just set down before him, the tips of the knife and fork catching the fluorescent light, and she knew she was going to kill him. The awareness came without fear, or anxiety, or concern for the future she would be denying herself by plunging that knife into his throat. There was no future to squander. There was only now.
"Now get me some A1 sauce for my meat, okay?" Ty said sweetly around his victorious sneer.
She saw herself doing it. Though the fantasy seemed to last forever, she knew the moment itself would not. It would be quick. Pick up the knife, drive it forward into his throat, step back to avoid the worst of the blood.
"You hear me?"
Then sit down with a cup of coffee and wait for the cops to come write your future for you, takin' the choice out of your hands for good.
There had been many men in Louise's life. Too many, she sometimes thought, and yet still not enough to balance out the investment she had put into them. From Louisiana to Alabama to West Virginia and now Michigan, the path to her present could be found by following the trail of shattered dreams, empty promises, buckled pride and heartache. She'd been the sole burlesque performer in a theater filled with dead-eyed men.
And though she had never unlocked her most secret desires for the hulk sitting before her now, his eyes were just as lifeless, reflecting only inward, studying the desires and dreams of the self, incapable of recognizing those of others.
Her hand found the knife. Ty glanced down.
"What do you think you're going to do with that?"
"Is there a problem here?" a voice said, and Louise jerked, her hand splaying, releasing the knife. She felt her muscles relax, even as some other part of her tensed in disappointment. The invisible strings that had been tugging at her heart, her mind, and her arms, encouraging her to cut loose from them in the same swoop that would see the knifepoint piercing the sagging black flesh beneath Ty's double chin, released her. She had to struggle not to collapse from the recession of that furious impulse.
"I said is there a problem here?"
Louise glanced to her right, into the face of Robbie Way, her manager. He was at least ten years her junior and seemed condemned to use his authority to compensate for his lack of good looks, charm, and physique. His skin was pale and supple, slack around the dull gray eyes, and speckled with angry red pimples around the chin and nose. Now those eyes were narrowed, and fixed on Louise.
"There ain't no trouble."
"What?"
"I said there ain't no trouble here."
Robbie turned his attention to the men at the table. All but Ty had resumed eating. The manager watched them for a moment, then sidled up to the big man. "Everything all right, sir?"
Louise felt her guts coil.
Ty, armed with his most winning smile, nodded once and held up a flaccid cheeseburger seething with grease. "Sure is," he said, beaming. "We were just asking Miss Daltry here if she could get us some A1 sauce. Not sure she heard me properly though. It's what I get for eating with my mouth full, I guess." He chuckled, and Robbie smiled. Nobody seemed compelled to point out that the burger was untouched, and that there was no food in Ty's mouth.
"I'll take care of that for you right away," Robbie said, and turned, his thin fingers squeezing Louise's arm as he led her away from the table toward the counter. "What's going on?"
"Nothin'," she replied, sourly.
"Didn't look like nothing." They reached the counter and he plucked a bottle of A-1 from beside the cash register, then looked squarely at her. "This can't keep happening, you know."
"I know."
"No...I don't think you do. This isn't some sleazy bar where you get to back-talk the customers for ogling you, or get up in their faces because they were staring at your tits. This is a restaurant, Louise. We serve food. We get kids and old folks
in here. Last thing we need is for the place to be in the newspaper because a waitress decked a regular. Case you haven't noticed, we're not exactly roping them in as it is."
Louise felt like a child, but couldn't summon the will to raise her head and look the manager in the eye, opting instead to just stare at the floor, and the still-wet boot prints from whomever had come in last.
"Problem is," Robbie went on, "Half the guys we get in here only come to look at you anyway. We all know the food is crap, and Elmo's Pizza is only two blocks from here, but have you seen the waitresses over there?" He shuddered. "They've got some kind of faux Italian thing going on, which would be fine if their ancestors didn't all hail from Montreal."
She smiled at that, and nodded. Robbie chose to take it as an encouraging sign. "You're a good looking woman, Louise. You gotta expect to have to take some shit from these guys, and learn to let it go right over your head. It's the only way you're going to last in this business."
Louise sighed and offered him the smile of understanding she knew he was waiting for. Unfortunately, Robbie was another dreamless wonder. He assumed anyone who worked under him entertained the same grand notions of one day opening up a restaurant of their very own as he did. Somewhere along the crooked road of his life, the young man before her had considered his options and found but a single route still open to him. He'd hurried down that road, his mind fixated on the one thing that would allow him to retain his pride, and had done so with such veracity that it had brainwashed him, consumed him, and now anything beyond that single well-trodden path seemed incomprehensible, perhaps even threatening to him because it was a facet of life of which he would never get a taste. Louise imagined his apartment dark, damp and empty, with Robbie in the bathroom, still dressed in his trademark white shirt, red tie and black pants with the razor sharp creases, practicing the many expressions of authority and stern speeches he needed to excel at his job.
It was this summation of his character in Louise's mind that negated his words to her now. Everything he told her was trite, pulled straight from The Idiot's Guide to Diner Management or some other textbook dedicated to showing you what you already knew but needed to see in writing.
"Thank you," she said, and exhaled heavily.
"You're welcome," Robbie replied, obviously pleased with himself. "Now bring this bottle down to that gentleman's table." He slid the A-1 into her palm and watched her carefully.
"Okay." She started to turn, then paused and looked back into his expectant face. "Can I take a five minute smoke break after that?"
Robbie frowned, shirked back his shirtsleeve and checked his watch, then sighed. "Five minutes. But do it around back. I don't need smoke blasting in on people while they're eating every time someone opens those doors."
Louise nodded and headed away. As she approached Ty's table, the large man looked up, mouth stuffed with cheeseburger, a smear of cheese on his lower lip.
Dead eyes, she thought.
"About time, sugar tits," he mumbled around his food and reached out a hand for the bottle.
Breathing hard with anticipation, she grabbed his wrist with her left hand and quickly yanked it aside.
The men froze.
Ty's eyes bugged. "The hell you think you're d—?"
"Hey!" Robbie called, and she heard his perfectly polished shoes slapping the tiles.
"Sorry," she said, aware it would not be clear to whom she'd been speaking as she swung the sauce bottle into the side of Ty's head.
*
Later, she would wonder if it was possible that her thoughts had somehow summoned him, pulled his likeness from the ether, a mixture of memory and yearning designed to torment her further.
But he was real.
She took the long way home after spending three hours in a cafe, nursing a cup of scalding hot coffee and feeling sorry for herself until it was close to the time she'd normally be clocking out at the Overrail.
She felt no satisfaction from what she'd done to Ty Wilkinson, though she didn't regret it. The son of a bitch had it coming, and God alone knew how many battered women in the man's life she had struck a very literal blow for today. And yet she felt nothing but emptiness. Ty had been a victim by proxy, a piñata for all the pent-up anger, frustration, and self-hatred that had been gathering within her over the past few months.
As she turned the corner on East Pleasant Avenue, the hair prickled on the nape of her neck. She tugged up the collar of her fur-lined parka and shivered. It was cold, the sidewalks like polished glass, the wind dragging its ragged nails across her cheeks.
What the hell had she been thinking coming to Detroit?
It was a silly question of course, one she would have been better not asking herself again, for the answer never failed to further darken her thoughts.
She had come here because of Wayne, whom she'd loved, whom she feared she still loved, despite realizing long ago that every second word that spilled from his mouth was a lie, his promises glass birds destined to shatter sooner or later against the cold hard surface of reality. And the worst truth of all, the black knot in her heart that she couldn't unravel, was that for this life, for this misery, she had abandoned with hardly a second thought a man and a child who had truly loved her, dumped them for a yellow brick road that had led her straight into a wasteland. She'd shut the door and driven away without looking back at the sad weathered man and his simple-minded boy, who would never understand the lure of her dreams, the hunger for ambition that drove her. Into Wayne's car and out of their lives, headed for a recording studio in Detroit, where Wayne's cousin Red was as eager as he to make her a star.
700 miles later, she'd realized her mistake.
There was the cold, a development she had anticipated but which still came as a shock to her system. Even so, her spirits held. She was prepared to make sacrifices for the sake of her career, and if singing her heart out in an icy room while the whole world got buried under six foot of snow outside was what it took, then so be it.
But there was no studio, and for all she knew never had been.
According to Red, he'd been forced to sell his studio a month before when the bank threatened to take his house for failure to make mortgage payments. From the look of the man—shifty eyes, shiny red leisure suit, hair in cornrows, smile so full of gold it made her wonder why he hadn't sold them instead of the studio to save his house—they'd been had. Wayne would tell her later that he thought Red had a drug problem, that he was a habitual user and a compulsive liar. Three months of ever-worsening misery would pass before Louise would lose her cool enough to tell him that maybe he and Red had the latter attribute in common.
And Wayne would stun her, figuratively and literally, by responding with his fists, breaking her nose and two of her teeth in the process. It was the first time he'd hit her, and wouldn't be the last.
And still she wouldn't leave him. She couldn't. Despite his infrequent bursts of violence, she was drawn to him by the other part of him, the part that held her in bed at night and sang songs in her ear, the part that told her everything was going to be all right and that she should never doubt that he loved her. The tender side of him that promised someday everything would work out, that he never meant to hurt her. It's just that sometimes you shoot your mouth off a little, that's all...
She supposed that today she had proven how hot-headed she herself could be. After all, didn't what she had done to Ty for his ill-chosen remarks make her no better or worse than Wayne?
He was her anchor. That was it. Her anchor in a hurricane, the tether that kept her from being swept away in an ugly wind that might destroy her in a maelstrom of loneliness, of isolation and fear, a fear that was infinitely worse than her fear of him when his moods turned black.
He was all she had left.
Wayne, and the dreams that stubbornly refused to leave her be.
Dreams, hope, and her memories of better times.
Wincing against the bitter sting of the cold, she pictured Jack and his
son standing at the door to their rundown old farmhouse, the red dust swirling about their feet then rising behind the tires of Wayne's car to obscure them from view, leaving nothing but dark crooked smudges amid that cloud, over which the eave of the sagging roof cut a red triangle from the clear blue sky.
She blinked away tears, and stepped over a mound of slush to cross the street. Her apartment was close now, and a dull pang of unease passed through her. Wayne would not take too well the news of her being fired, and though Louise had no doubt she could pick up something else soon, he would be sure to make a production out of it, as if berating her was a ritual he had a religious obligation to fulfill. But she knew his tirade would be nothing more than a means of avoiding reality yet again. She had lost her job; he'd never had one, and probably figured if he gave her a hard enough time about getting fired, she wouldn't think to point out his own insufficient contributions to their survival. He smoked too much, drank too much, and frequently vanished on late night walks she had long ago ceased believing were as benign as he made them out to be.
Sighing heavily, she told herself that at least Ty hadn't pressed charges today, a development that had surprised her until she realized having her arrested might mean word would spread about what had precipitated the drama between them, and he would be understandably leery about such details hitting the streets where his wife might hear it. It was about the only positive she could find in another dismal day.
Someone was standing outside the apartment.
For a moment, she thought it might be Wayne, but as she drew closer, she saw that the body was too thin and a little too short. Only the jacket he wore looked the same. The man stood there, staring up at the windows on the second floor, alternating between stamping his feet on the sidewalk and blowing into his cupped and ungloved hands. She felt sorry for him being out here so ill-equipped for the harsh cold, but had no notion of stopping to tell him so or to offer him charity, which in this part of the city, was most likely what he wanted. The streets were too dangerous here, and if he wasn't a bum hoping for a handout then chances were he was waiting for some unlucky sucker to rob.
