by Vicki Green
I lay here staring up at the ceiling. Restless sleep didn’t help with the decisions I must make today. I’ve cried so much there is nothing left in me. Today’s a new day. I will put on my big girl panties and do what I need to do. It’ll be difficult but what in my life hasn’t been. I’ll do it and take care of my baby alone. It will have all the love I have to give. Now that I have my job as a graphic designer, I make enough money and since I work from home, I won’t have to pay for daycare. I wouldn’t want my baby to go to one anyway. Home. I have no home. Not anymore. I need to talk to Alex, but I’m unsure I can do it right now. Right now, I need to use the bathroom, shower and get ready for the day.
“Yes, I know but give her a little time. Have you eaten, Alex?”
I walk down the stairs, my hair still damp, but I feel a bit better after the hot shower. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I can’t help but hear Rica’s conversation.
“Well, you need to eat something.” She lets out a long sigh. “Look. You know she’s here so she’s fine. I’ll try to talk to her today.” Silence. I take a step closer to the wall outside the kitchen. “You two belong together. Just believe in that. Okay. Bye.” I take a step back, putting my hand over my stomach, holding my breath. “I know you’re there, Keegan.” Rica’s voice startles me. Guess I wasn’t as quiet as I thought. Either that or she has a sixth sense or I was breathing too loudly.
I walk into the kitchen, finding her sitting at the table smiling at me. “Good morning,” I whisper and sit down across from her, unsure what to say. What I have learned about her, in the short time I’ve known her – she talks enough for everyone so I need not worry.
“Yes, that was Alex. Yes, he’s very upset.” She begins. I try to remain calm with a straight, unemotional face, even though my nails are biting into the skin of my arm underneath the table. Just the mention of his name causes my heart to flutter, tears threatening to come. I will not allow it. “Keegan.” Her voice softens. “Alex told me his ex-girlfriend, which he has not even seen for over a year, just showed up giving him some cockeyed bullshit story of her grandmother passing away.” My ears perk up, my brows lift without my consent. “Come to find out once you’d already had your run-in with her, he learned her grandmother had passed away a long time ago. She’d used it as an excuse to try to get him back. It didn’t work, Keegan. He wants you.” I look down, wiping away a stray tear that defied me. “Keegan. I know my brother can be, well – a prick sometimes, but….”
My eyes snap to hers as I raise my head. “He hasn’t been to me,” I whisper. He’s been nothing more than kind, loving, and caring. She smiles.
“Okay, I’ll give him that. But he cares so much for you. Keegan, she’s a bitch and put him through hell.” She sits up straight. “Did you know you’re the very first girlfriend I’ve ever met?” My eyes widen with her confession. “He’s never, ever taken a girl to meet my parents, and even though I know he hasn’t taken you yet, he told me he wants to.” I don’t know if I should feel excited at that or scared shitless. She lets out a laugh, probably seeing the scared look on my face. “Yeah, not saying that will be the most pleasant experience but Luke and I will come and smooth things over with them.” We both laugh, and it feels good. She stands and sits in the seat beside me, reaching over and taking my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “I’ve never known him to be this happy. And he’s gonna be a daddy. Don’t you think he needs to know that? Don’t you think he deserves a chance to explain?”
I shake my head. God! When did I become such a bitch? I cover our hands with mine and smile. “Of course he does.”
“Good!” I jump when she removes her hand and slaps the table as she stands. “You, my friend, need a good breakfast before you drive home.” And with that, she starts cooking, leaving me here to ponder all she’s said.
My plan is to eat breakfast, drive to the house and talk to Alex. Doesn’t sound too awfully scary, right? Then why am I so nervous? Maybe it’s telling him he’s gonna be a daddy that frightens me the most. What if he doesn’t want kids? Sure, he’s great with Emma. You can see the love he has for her. But it’s different when it’s your own. Still, our relationship is so new. He still hasn’t said he loves me nor have I said it to him. Do I? Do I truly love him? It doesn’t feel as if it’s been long enough for such a proclamation, yet when he’s not around, I long for him. When I’m laying my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and light breathing as he sleeps, with his strong arms are around me, I feel safe. When I hear his voice, see his gorgeous smile, my heart flutters – skipping a beat or two. When he makes love to me, I feel wanted – like the most precious thing in the world. And when I saw that woman at his door, I felt anger, jealousy, and rage. Then hurt consumed me, running felt better than staying and confronting him. I was too emotional, especially wondering if my late monthly visitor was due to either stress or if I was pregnant.
At that moment, that very instant, I knew I loved him, if not because of all that had happened but because of him. He’d stolen my heart so easily and I couldn’t help but fall so deeply.
So now, with a full tummy, hugs, and kisses from Rica and Emma and the look of strength from Luke, I head back to the place where I’d left my heart.
As I near town, I begin to wonder if he’s at the coffee shop or at home. Needing to change clothes and since I’m closer to the house, I decide to go there first. Disappointment overshadows me as the garage door opens and his car isn’t there. The house is eerily quiet as I walk into the kitchen, noticing everything is clean. I walk into the living room, everything looks untouched. Walking into the bedroom, the bed is made as if no one slept in it. After changing my clothes, I go to my office and power up my laptop. Guess I’d better check my emails. I have a project due in a few days but I’m not in the mood. Just as my email program begins to appear, my phone vibrates in my purse. I hadn’t looked at it since everything happened last night, knowing Alex would be blowing it up. As I suspected, once I unlock the screen, there’s fifty texts. I don’t even want to go into the voicemails as it shows several there too. Opening my texts, I see most of them are from Alex and a few from Stacey and Lani. I should call them later or go to the coffee shop. I’m sure I’ve worried them. I open Alex’s text and read the most recent, sent only moments ago.
Alex: Keegan. I know you’re mad. Hell, I would be. But please let me talk to you. Let me explain. I beg you.
A tear falls from my eye onto the screen. Sniffing, I leave a simple reply.
Keegan: I’m at home.
I can’t help the small laugh that escapes at his quick response.
Alex: Fuck! Don’t move! I’m on my way home!
I can’t concentrate on anything as I wait for his arrival. I decide to go into the kitchen and make a sandwich, feeling nervous and jittery but also hungry. After piling some turkey and the last of the ham onto a slice of bread and smearing the other slice with mayonnaise, I rinse off the knife and take the empty package of ham over to the trash. Pushing down on the pedal with my foot, the lid raises and my eyes widen.
What the….?
Eight
Alex
I’d practically gone mad with worry until Rica called and told me Keegan was there. I never imagined she would go to my sister’s house. Then again, as far as I’ve been able to tell, she never has spoken of family or anyone else close to her, other than Stacey and Lani at the coffee shop. My heart deflates when the realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I don’t really know that much about her. At all. That saddens me even more as I drive back home. Fuck, I feel like such a schmuck, again only thinking about my needs, my wants. Selfish prick. I beat myself up all the way home, pulling into the garage then walking inside – I’ve never felt so alone. This house had become a home and I fucked it up.
No. Mitzi fucked it up. Again. Why am I so stupid? Didn’t she put me through enough hell when we were together? Possessive. Jealous. I should have known better when I opened my door to her. She’s not changed. Still conniv
ing. Still manipulative. Still a bitch. I’m an idiot.
The rest of the night was spent in agony while I cleaned up the living room. It’s not even so much that I hated not being able to share what was to be a magical night with Keegan but the fact that she is hurting and felt the need to run away instead of talking to me. I guess I can understand that, the lack of trust, the unknown. It’s not like we’ve been together for long or really know each other. But fuck! I wanted the chance to look her in the eyes and explain, tell her I love her and that bitch means nothing to me. I wanted to tell her she’s my entire world, and I’d do anything for her. Again, just showed me we really don’t know each other. Sigh. My life was going too well, and it turned to shit in a matter of mere seconds. Everything was going too good.
This morning, I tried working from home but my eyes kept landing on Keegan’s desk and the empty chair I wished she was occupying. Instead, I visualized her beautiful face in my mind, the way she’d look up at me and smile as I would stare at her. How she’d stand, walk over and sit on my lap, wrapping her arms around me and kissing me so delicately. Things would always become heated quickly, and I’d end up standing with her in my arms and laying her down on my desk. These were the times there was no lovemaking but hardcore fucking. It was fantastic! Amazing! Yet, thinking of this now only saddens me more.
By afternoon, I’m beside myself. Not hearing from Keegan nor Rica has been my undoing. I haven’t eaten since yesterday late morning and that was only a muffin at the coffee shop. Keegan wanted to see her friends so I worked in my old spot, the table in the corner next to the windows. I watched her laugh with them, whisper – looking over at me and smiling. Finally, not able to sit around anymore, I decided to drive into town and workout at the gym. Maybe releasing some of this pent-up energy will help or at least pass some time. I was just getting ready to leave when I decided to text Keegan, again. I’d already been blowing up her phone since she’d left yesterday. She’s either not seen them or heard my voicemails or she’s chosen not to respond. Either way, it’s just another thing killing me. By the time I got to my car and was ready to pull out, my phone dinged. When I see she replied to my text, my heart started beating again since she’d been gone. She’s home! I don’t think I’ve ever driven as fast, the anxiousness, and nervousness of seeing her, almost leaving me breathless.
My heart is thundering, pounding against my chest. I park in the garage and see her car. Emotions choke me as I walk inside, finding her sitting on the couch in the living room. She turns her head, her eyes snapping to mine when I enter the room. I stop, unsure where to sit, not knowing how close she’ll let me be to her. She gives me a small, sad smile then pats the cushion next to her. I don’t hesitate to walk over and sit down. I notice immediately how swollen and damp her eyes are as she takes my hand in hers.
“I grew up in an orphanage. I don’t know my birth family or if they’re even still alive.” She swallows then takes a deep breath but I see strength and determination on her face, in her beautiful eyes. “I’d never had much in my life. Instead I’ve had a lot of disappointment, heartache, and loneliness. Had to survive on my own since I was eighteen although the place where I grew up showed nothing in the lack of support on anything.” She looks down at our hands then back up into my eyes. “I’m not telling you this to feel sorry for me.” I shake my head quickly, feeling anything but that. What I feel is pride and admiration. “Last night,” she takes a deep breath, “when I saw that woman at the front door, your shirt barely covering her…” She looks away then raises her chin as she looks back at me. “Well, I – ran, something I’ve always done when things get tough.” She begins running her thumb over my hand, caressing it. “I shouldn’t have done that. I was scared, I guess. Life has always given me nothing but hard knocks. I just figured this was another one and the one thing – the person who finally made me happy, the new job, everything, I just figured it was too good to be true. Too many good things don’t last for long. I should have stayed and talked to you. I should have….” She swallows hard again, tears brimming in her eyes.
I turn to her fully, taking her other hand and holding them both. “Keegan. I don’t care where you come from. I care about you.” A tear falls from her eye but the softness in them melts my heart. “I’m sorry my ex fucked up everything last night. I’m sure I hurt you.”
“But….” Smiling I release one of her hands and place my fingers over her lips. I love the feel of her smile beneath them.
Taking her hand again, I try to convey everything I’m feeling. “It’s only you, baby. And it always will be.”
This isn’t how I planned it. But it feels so right.
Sliding off the couch, I kneel down on one knee and release one of her hands. She gasps as I remove a small box from my pocket. I’ve kept it there since last night, hoping with everything I am I’d be able to give it to her. “Keegan, I love you with all my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul. Until you came into my life, I had no idea what true love was. Will you do me the utmost honor and marry me – allowing me to love you and cherish you for the rest of our lives?” Tears stream down her face and my heart seems to be lodged in my throat, waiting for her answer.
“There’s only one thing,” she says in all seriousness and dread fills me.
“Anything, my love,” I whisper. Suddenly, I feel as if I can’t breathe. What could be the one thing? Isn’t this normally when the woman says yes? Hopefully? This is highly unusual but what hasn’t been with our relationship.
Her silence is killing me then she opens her luscious mouth. “I hope you have room for two of us?” Huh? She smiles. “You’re gonna be a daddy.” She instantly bites her lip as her face changes to worry. I’m gonna be a what? Reaching behind her with her free hand, she pulls out something and holds it in front of me. “I didn’t find out until I was on the way to your sisters.” My eyes gaze upon a white plastic tube. It’s more than clear what’s showing on the small screen. I look up into her worried eyes, my heart literally pounding against my chest. She shrieks with my fast movement, standing and lifting her into my arms. I begin to twirl her around and hear the soft sounds of her giggles.
“I’m gonna be a daddy!” I scream, wondering how in the hell I got so lucky. I feel her squirm, patting my shoulder then she grasps my upper arm tightly until I feel pain. “Oh! Sorry!” I set her down gently onto the couch, scared I’ve made her ill with all the spinning. Resuming my position on my knee, I hold up the small black box again and smile, taking her hand in mine. “Keegan, will you and our baby….” I swallow hard, tears brimming with love in my own eyes. “Marry me?”
She doesn’t hesitate. “Yes!” Releasing her hand, I take the diamond ring from its confines and slip it on her finger. She looks down at it then leaps into my arms, knocking me back into the coffee table. Eh, what’s a little pain when I’m holding the love of my life in my arms, kissing the shit outta me? Correction: the loves of my life.
I made love to my fiancée. Fuck, I love how that sounds. Twice. Then I fed her. It wasn’t much, more like breakfast for dinner, but she inhaled it. Guess eating for two and all our activities gave her a big appetite. We had a nice relaxing evening, sitting on the couch, watching a movie then I drew a bath for us, and we soaked. We might have had a little extracurricular activity while bathing. Then, I held her in my arms the rest of the night, listening to her light breathing, and thanking God. I’ll never ever do anything again to cause her pain.
The next morning we’re both working in our office. “So…. I was thinking about going to see my parents.”
Silence.
A lot of silence.
I look over at her, sitting at her desk. She’s staring at me. Her mouth is open and her skin has paled. “C’mon. It won’t be that bad.” I smile. She looks as if she’s in pain. You know, the thing I said I’d never cause again. “Really, it won’t be.” I let out a sigh. “Okay, I’ll make it so Rica, Luke, and Emma are there. Will that help?” She sits up straight, a bit of
color returns to her face, and nods. Yeah, it’ll smooth things over a little. Very little. It needs to be done. I want them to meet my future wife and tell them they’re gonna be grandparents again.
I’m. So. Dead.
“What do ya mean you can’t go?”
Two days later, while Keegan is finishing packing her bag, I’m on the phone with Rica.
“Emma has a fever. I’m not taking her out when she’s sick.” Fuck me!
“Well, yeah. I don’t want you to either. It’s just….” How am I gonna explain to Keegan that our only hope of moderate survival with my parents can’t go now? She’s gonna be so disappointed and a lot scared.
“I know. I know, bro. Believe me, I feel ya. Remember, I’ve been there – paved the way, sorta.” I let out a long sigh. “Okay, not really but I was the first of us to bring home a non-Italian.” Okay. I’ll give her that. “Look, Alex.” Her voice softens. “I’ll see if Luke will watch Emma and come over at least for a bit. He has a charity function tonight so I was gonna bring Emma with me. I’m sorry.”
“Hey! Don’t worry about it. I can face the firing squad by myself.” I let out a chuckle but not feeling it. Running my fingers through my hair, I turn around and start heading toward our bedroom. “Besides, only Bas will be there so I won’t have the entire family attacking me like you had.”
“Yeah, well, you have Mama and Papa.” She laughs and my stomach churns. “I think that’s enough. Tell Keegan I’ll try to come over at some point and don’t worry.”
