by Gail Haris
“Gee, thanks Dad.”
“Ha. I’m not your daddy, but if you want me to spank you…”
“Why is your judgmental goody two-shoes ass here?”
“Wow, Rachel. When did you get so angry? How much have you had to drink?”
I fight back the tears. He knows exactly when I became angry. I’m angry that God took my best friend away. I’m angry that my life has not gone according to plan whatsoever. And I’m angry that, despite how many times Trent pushes me away and then pops up to give me attention, I still want him. I’m still ridiculously attracted to him. Worse, I’m angry that no matter what I do or accomplish from here on out, I know I’ll never be happy, because I’m too busy being angry at the world. Because, like right now, I’m at a party, but I have no one to celebrate tonight with, no one in my corner who’s truly proud of me.
“You know exactly when I became this way.” My voice is full of venom. I turn my head, so he doesn’t see my unshed tears.
He leans into me, placing a hand on the counter and caging me in. In my ear, he gently says, “I miss him, too. But he wouldn’t want to see you like this. Let me take you home.”
I push on his chest, but he doesn’t budge. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“Rachel.” His voice is soothing, which I both love and hate at the same time. “Stop. Please.”
“What are you even doing here? Aren’t you a little old to be hanging with this crowd?” Trent’s only four years older than me, but he’s the one who made our age difference such an issue.
“Rachel.” He growls. “Stop acting this way. This isn’t you.”
This isn’t me? My blood boils, and the new rage, firing within me, gives me enough strength to shove him away from me. “What do you know about me, Trent? Other than I was your brother’s girlfriend?” His eyes squeeze shut, and his lips thin into a straight line. I slide past him and the counter. That was a low blow, and I feel slightly ashamed I went there. Landon and I never actually dated, but as far as anyone else knew—including Trent—I was Landon’s girlfriend.
Trent’s right. This isn’t me, and I don’t know who I’ve become in my grief over losing Landon. I’m just so mad and hurt. My life is so confusing right now, but it didn’t have to be. Trent could be with me if he really loved me. Luke didn’t have to be a homophobic bully. Landon didn’t have to die!
The music and voices around me seem to be getting louder and the air is thinning. I can’t think, and my lungs can’t get enough oxygen. I need to get out of here. I try to push through a group of people blocking my path. A hand grips my arm firmly and spins me around.
“I know that you don’t typically take shots of vodka. You’re more of a Bud Lite girl. I know that you hate just about everyone at this party, especially me. I know that you hate me for the same reasons that I hate myself. I also know that if you drink anymore or stay here any longer, you’ll regret it tomorrow. You didn’t work this hard, just to come here and get trashed.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s still early. Why don’t you let me take you out to eat? Some place nice, that’s proper for celebrating graduating high school a year early.”
Focusing on his deep, blue eyes, my breathing becomes regular again as all the noise fades away. But, I can’t fall for him.
Not again.
I narrow my eyes and press my lips together in a hard line. In response, his dark eyebrows are pinch together, and I watch as his chiseled jawline hardens. He’s beautiful but still extremely masculine. I swallow the lump in my throat and jerk my arm out of his grasp. “Why are you here, Trent?”
The crease between his eyebrows smooths as his eyes widen in disbelief. “Isn’t it obvious? You.”
I hate how my heart skips a beat. Trent’s wrong. I don’t hate him. I hate myself.
Trent pours wine into my glass and then takes his seat across from me. I lift my glass and arch a brow at him. “I thought you were going to take me some place nice?”
He makes a point of looking around the dining room. “The guest house isn’t nice?”
The Randalls’ guest house is about the size of my parents’ house, only way nicer. “You said take me out to eat, emphasis on the ‘out.’”
He points to the to-go boxes on the counter. “Take out. And we’re eating. But I’m trying to keep it classy by plating your food.” He winks. “Besides, we couldn’t celebrate with wine if we were dining out at a restaurant, now could we?”
“I guess not.” He has a point since I am only seventeen. I take a sip of my wine and relish the sweet flavor on my tongue.
I gently place my wine on the table and begin cutting my steak. After a few bites, I take a forkful of the garlic mashed potatoes. The smell assaults my nose. I gag and quickly spit them out as I drop the fork. Wiping my mouth, I feel humiliated. I just practically threw up in front of Trent. Wouldn’t be the first time. When Landon and I were in junior high, we broke into his parents’ liquor cabinet. By the time Trent found us, I had already consumed way too much alcohol. I remember how he had held my hair back, while I threw up. As sweet as the moment was, it was even more embarrassing. I’d rather not relive that experience.
“You okay?” His voice brings me back to the present.
I place my napkin down and give a small smile. “Yeah. Sorry.”
“Told you to slow down on that vodka. Maybe mixing wine isn’t the best idea?”
I nod because I don’t need any more wine anyway. I need a clear head while I’m around him.
“What are your plans for the rest of the summer, until classes begin?”
“Leave here and move into the dorms as soon as possible.”
“You’ve worked so hard. You should take some time to enjoy it.” The pride in his voice stops me short. But I don’t think he understands that being here is hurting me more than anything. There is no joy in Lumberton. Not anymore.
“I have worked hard…to get out of here. So I’m going. I’m going to get my degree, and I plan on having no distractions.” That meaning you, buddy.
Trent gives me a lopsided grin. He holds his wine glass up. “To no distractions.”
I opt for my water glass and lift it up. “No distractions.” From here on out, no distractions of any kind.
Trent stands up, and I watch his powerful body cross the room. His dark denim jeans hug his toned legs. His white button up stretches across his chest and biceps. It’s rolled up to his forearms, which somehow makes his arms look even hotter. Taking a container, he places it in front of me and slides his chair closer to mine. I look down and see the strawberry cake with a chocolate covered strawberry on top. My favorite.
“Thanks.” I pick up my spoon, but Trent takes it from my hand. He scoops up a generous amount of cake and brings it to my lips. As I try to wrap my lips over the enormous bite, it’s hard to fight the smile. Crumbs and icing stick to my lips as I chew the sweet and fluffy cake. I’m giggling to myself, so I don’t even notice that Trent has moved closer, until I feel his warm tongue against my lips. His eyes close as he licks the sweet frosting. The low moan that comes from him has my heart racing, and my stomach doing a flip.
Trent Randall should come with a warning. Do not attempt this ride if you suffer from a heart condition. The anticipation before the ride begins is both exhilarating and terrifying. I know he’s going to take me to new heights and then send me crashing down.
I shouldn’t, though. I should get off this ride before it starts and go home. He pulls back from me and opens his eyes. Those gorgeous aqua blue eyes stare intently into mine. His eyelids are heavy with lust. His full lips spread apart, but I hold up a hand stopping him from speaking.
“What about Maggie?”
The right corner of his lip curves up. “Did you think I was cheating on her?”
I harden my voice. “Answering my question with a question. Ha, that’s an answer enough.” I stand up, but he grabs my wrist before I can walk away. His body slides against mine as he sta
nds.
“Maggie and I broke up.”
“Again?”
“We were never really back together.”
“Another one of y’all’s little lovers’ spats?”
He releases a humorless chuckle and wraps his strong arms around me. Before I can further my point, that they’ve done this before and we’ve done this before, he silences me with his lips. There’s my answer. We’ve done this before. This exact same scenario. It’s just a different day. The outcome will be the same, so I should stop this now. My head is screaming at me to pull away, but my heart beats wildly with joy, encouraging me to hold on and not let go.
He deepens the kiss, and I’m lost to him. I allow him to lead me to his bedroom. Warning: May cause accelerated heartrate and emotional intensity. This could lead to heartache and guilt.
Yet, here I am, getting back on the ride, knowing it’s only a quick thrill. When it’s over, I’ll be left with messy hair, a rapid pulse, and my emotions turned inside out. I just hope my heart can handle it.
I could keep driving. Just keep driving and driving, until I reach the ocean. It’d be a nice change of scenery from the Midwest farmlands. It’s not as crazy as my current situation of becoming a college freshman at seventeen… at the same university as my lifelong crush and dead best friend’s older brother. Maybe if I drive long enough and far enough, I can drive the pain away. Sometimes the pain, like right now, is too much that I feel like I’m suffocating. But I know if I keep driving, I’ll still be doing the same thing I’m doing now—running away. I only hope this way I’m running away from the pain and to some sort of peace. Even though Alice is a constant reminder of Landon, in a way, she’s kind of a comfort as well. Little things she does, whether she realizes it or not, are some of his same mannerisms.
Landon Randall had been my partner-in-crime since our elementary days. We’d been so close, most people thought we were brother and sister. Especially since his parents welcomed me into their family, and I was at their home more than my own. When we got older, everyone swore we were destined to marry. So much for destiny. Fate had other plans. Back in the spring, Landon and another boy, Luke Jamerson, were fighting on a bridge. Our town isn’t that big; it mostly consists of farm land and back roads, but there are still two schools—a private school and a public school. Luke went to the private school, but knew Landon from being close friends with Trent. Luke was also the town’s golden boy, but, in reality, a huge jerk. Landon never came out that he was gay. His one boyfriend, he’d had in secret, went to school with Luke, but after being bullied so badly by him, he left town. That day on the old country bridge Landon and Luke were both drunk. Words were shared and then it got physical. They fell over the side of the bridge during their fight. Neither one survived.
I turn up the radio, in a lame attempt to drown out my thoughts. But nothing I do will help me escape the ache. Not when love never dies and memories don’t fade. Landon has been gone for months now, but the pain is so fresh that, most days, I don’t know if I’ll survive it. How much more can I bear?
The music in my car temporarily pauses and then is replaced with the sound of my ringtone coming through the speaker. I accept the call from Alice. Her sweet voice fills the car. “How much longer do I get the room all to myself?”
I glance at the radio clock. “About another twenty minutes.”
“Twenty? What time did you leave?”
“I have a weak bladder, shut up! Enjoy your time now because, when I get there, I’m taking over.” She laughs, giving me a much-needed reason to smile. I talk a big game, but I’m beyond nervous.
“I’m sure you’re going to own the whole campus, just like you did the high school, in no time. You remember how to get here, right?”
“Yeah, no worries.”
“Great. Trent and some friends invited us to go out for pizza tonight.”
Shit. Before I can voice an excuse, feigning tiredness or low funds or any other excuse to get out of it, Alice continues, “I told them we’d meet them by six. My treat! So you’ll get here just in time.”
“I’m kind of tired…”
“I know. But we don’t have any food. It’ll be quick. Where are you now?”
“Just now coming up to my exit.”
“Okay. See you soon!”
“Yay.” My voice is coated with fake enthusiasm. “Bye.”
My welcoming committee will be Landon’s look alike, in female form, and his big brother. How can I run away from Landon’s ghost when I’m running toward the two biggest reminders of him? If that doesn’t prove my lack of self-preservation and common sense, I don’t know what does. Only two guys have ever broken my heart. Landon Randall and Trent Randall, but Landon died, so that wasn’t his fault.
If there was ever someone I needed to avoid, like the plague, to protect what’s left of my heart, it’s Trent. Yet, here I am, driving straight to him to eat pizza with him and friends. I bet Maggie will be there. I knew they’d get back together. Even if they aren’t officially together, if she’s around, they will get back together. I’m so stupid. Why did I sleep with him last night? In fact, after it happened, I left as soon as he went to the bathroom. When I rolled over in bed and saw a photo of him and Landon, as kids, hanging on the wall, I felt sick to my stomach and ran.
I should just keep driving. Keep driving until I’m far, far away from anything or anyone that reminds me of the Randall family.
When I finally reach the university, I pull into the campus parking lot. I take out my student badge and can’t stop myself from smiling. Despite everything, I’m doing this. At seventeen, I’m a college freshman. If I can graduate high school early and get accepted into a respectable university, I can do anything. I’m going to be okay. I’ve gotten this far on my own. Besides what else could possibly turn my life upside down? As soon as I think it, I realize I shouldn’t tempt fate.
I open the dorm room, and Alice leaps off the bed. She runs to me and wraps her arms around me. “There she is.”
“Here I am,” I say in a sing-song voice.
“Hey.” Alice searches my eyes, and her voice is soft. “We’re going to be okay.”
I nod, so I don’t have to try and speak over the lump in my throat. It’s hard seeing her again, but, at the same time, she mends a part of my broken spirit.
“Come on. Trent is saving us seats at the Pizzeria. We’ll unload the rest of your stuff tonight.”
I take a deep breath and drop my bags. “Do you know who all is coming?”
“No. He just said some of his friends.” Alice gives me a knowing smile. “But he hasn’t been with Maggie, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
I roll my eyes and mumble, “no, I don’t care.”
Alice laughs as she continues to walk out the door. She knows I’ve had it bad for her brother, but I don’t think she knows the full extent of our relationship. I don’t even know the extent of our relationship.
As soon as I walk in the restaurant, the smell of garlic and parmesan hits my nose. The place is a small red brick building, and everything is red and black and white checkered. The booths and chairs are red with black tables. We find Trent with a group of bulky muscular guys and a few girls in shorts and skin-tight shirts. All the girls look exactly the same—long bleach blonde hair, fake baked, and heavy mascara. These are not girls—they’re women clones. I immediately feel out of place in my leggings and loose Rolling Stones shirt.
“Hey everyone,” Alice smiles and waves. She seems more confident than I remember. It’s only been three months, but she’s grown while here. Seeing her blossom into a self-assured young woman gives me hope that maybe that can happen for me as well. “This is my friend, Rachel. She’s starting her freshman year here, as well. We’re rooming together.”
I wave as they nod their heads and smile. One of the guys narrows his eyes. “How old are you?”
“Not old enough,” Trent clips. He doesn’t even bother looking at the guy or me.
The g
uy chuckles. “Rachel? Oh right. Yeah, you graduated early. Impressive. Beauty and brains.”
“She’s too young, Parker. Don’t get any ideas.” Trent takes a big bite out of his pizza, still refusing to make eye contact with anyone.
Parker, on the other hand, hasn’t taken his eyes off of me. He winks and smiles so big that I can’t help but smile back. “Too late, Randall. I hope to see you around, Rachel.”
Trent reaches across the table and smacks him on the side of the head. “You probably won’t. Remember, she’s smart? Doubt you two will share any classes.”
Parker, completely unaffected, leans over the table toward me. “I’m more interested in sharing study sessions rather than classes. We can study all night and until the morning hours.”
Trent’s jaw ticks as he slowly places his slice of pizza on his plate. As I walk over and gently place a hand on Trent’s shoulder, I smile and feel his muscles tightening.
“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” I pull out the empty chair next to Trent. “Can I sit here?”
He nods and picks back up his slice of pizza. The subject is changed, and after a few minutes, Trent is laughing with the rest of the group. I notice, again, how easily Alice chats with everyone. Our small group slowly becomes even tinier as people begin to leave. Finally, Trent makes eye contact with me.
“You’re going to have to watch out for older guys.”
I roll my eyes. “Tell me about it. I seem to keep making the same mistake.” I look him directly in the eyes, so he’ll get my point. There’s only been one guy, period, and I keep falling for him.
“I was ready to jump over the table and knock the hell out of Parker. He knows better. Alice and I told the group about you yesterday.”
“What exactly did you say?”
“You’re like a sister to us.”
Ah-huh. “Wow. I hope you don’t treat Alice the same sisterly way you do me.”
Trent’s tongue slides across his top teeth and then licks his bottom lip. He bites back a smile before he says, “Believe me, I don’t treat anyone the way I do you.”