by Amy Lane
He crumpled to the ground like a used pair of jeans, and Mandy whirled around, gasping, to see what had happened to the guy whod just been practically breaking her arm.
“Jesus,” she said, shaking out her arm and her hand with obvious pain.“Xander Karcek? You just… well… did you kill him?”
Derek moved on the ground and moaned a little, and Mandy kicked him in the ribs, platform spike heel and all.
“Cmon,” she said decisively. “Lets go around the corner before he comes to. It would be better for everybody if he never figures out who just gave him a big lump on his noggin,okay?”
Xander nodded and turned back around, following the girls lead as she clicked purposefully through the fog back the way Xander had come.
When they got there, Xanders car was waiting, and Xander turned to the girl to make sure she was going to be all right.“Um, Mandy? Do you need a ride somewhere?”
She nodded, suddenly shaking in aftermath, and he realized she was about the most forlorn thing hed ever seen. Her eyes were black with mascara—the girls had been heavily made up for their last dance— and it was running down her cheeks. Her high ponytail extension was coming out, and her mid-length hair was a mess of pins and escaping tendrils as it drooped from an escaped chunk of the real hair that had been anchoring it in the right spot. Her coat was torn, and she was rubbing her shoulder with force, as though something hadnt quite popped back in.
But when Xander asked her, she shook her head and bit her lip. “I—” she started, and then reaction set in and her lower lip started to quiver alarmingly, and then her face lost all composition and began to squash together like artwork in the rain.
Xander was completely helpless. He knew nothing about women except that they smelled good and he admired the pretty ones, but they didnt get him hard or make his breath come quick or do anything at all for him.But he thought about what hed want for Penny, if she were ever in a situation like this, and he put one of his crutches under his other arm, and held out a hand for the poor kitten who had, all things considered, put up a pretty good fight.
She ran into him and started to cry, and although he heard about one word in seven, the four he did make out came up as,“No place to staaaaayyyyyyyy!!!” and he sighed. Well, why not? Penny would be there, she could set Mandy up in a guest bedroom. Its not like they didnt have, like, ten of them.
The driver had gotten out and was holding the door open solicitously, and Xander said, “Um, Mandy? Hey, you want to stay at our place?Weve got room.”
“Whos we?” Mandy asked, her voice muffled from his chest, and Xander said,“Me and Chris,” without thinking. She didnt say anything, though, as they got into the car. Tim—who was their driver most nights, because hed filled out the confidentiality agreement and was a sweet guy with a wife and a kid and loved the game—got a blanket from the back and wrapped her up in it as she continued to lean into Xanders warmth. Xander sighed. God. A girl. All those horrible nights of sleeping with strangers like an unfortunate job requirement, and now he had a girl staying at his place because he bashed her boyfriend on the head with a club. The world was beyond funny—it was now just fucking odd.
Penny was up when he got to the house, and the dogs perked up from her side (they were not supposed to be on the couch) to come sniff the new person. Mandy took a look at the big dog coming to sniff her crotch (and one behind to sniff the same place from a different angle) and gave a little shriek, then backed up and scrambled onto the counter that separated the kitchen from the front room. She tottered there, in her costume miniskirt and tube top, under a giant, knee-length parka, and looked at the two curious dogs with big, heavily made-up brown eyes.
Penny looked at her in her jeans and sweatshirt, and her unpowdered nose wrinkled.“Um, Xander? Something you havent told us about?”
Xander shrugged.“Mandy, this is Penny. Shes Chriss sister, and she lives here. Penny, this is Mandy. I just knocked her douchebag exboyfriend unconscious with my crutch.Shes also,” he said, looking at the two dogs who were sitting now, tongues lolling, looking at this new playtoy with great anticipation, “afraid of dogs.”
“Oh,” Penny said carefully. “Where were you thinking shed sleep?”
Xander shrugged.“One of the big guest bedrooms in the other wing.But I was hoping youd have some sweats or something she could borrow. Weve got a bunch of franchise stuff, but its all in Chriss size.”
“Thats no worries,” Mandy chattered, and Xander grimaced up at her. She was really scared, and he really had no clues as to what to do to with her.“I don mind no supersize clothes, right?” Mandy had pretty, Latina features, with high cheekbones and a delicate nose and chin. It was obvious that the stress of the night was bringing out her accent, and Xander sighed.
“Max! Merk!Cmere, guys. Up to the room, kay?” Both dogs looked at him reluctantly, but Xander reached into the box of treats that they kept ready on the counter and they perked up right quick. Xander heaved himself forward and started taking the stairs one at a time, with the dogs in tow, and behind him he heard Penny talking Mandy down from the counter.
The dogs had a big floppy pillow in Xander andChriss room as well, and Xander threw the treats on the bed and watched as they made themselves comfy.
“Are you proud of yourselves?” he asked rhetorically. “You frightened the poor abused cheerleader. Seriously—if you were any more ferocious, Id have people-pee on my kitchen counter. Thats disgusting—you guys wouldhave been sniffing it for years.”
Max, the long-boned one with the big floppy ears looked at him soulfully, and Mercury grinned a crooked dog smile, and parked his chin on top of Maxs head. Neither of them looked particularly contrite, and Xander sighed as he stripped off his slacks and his jacket and went rooting around for some sweats.
He was pulling a sweatshirt over his head when there was a knock at the door, right before it opened. He looked at Penny reprovingly.
“I could have been naked!”
“Which would have been more uncomfortable for you than it would be for me,” she told him amiably. “I got your cheerleader settled down with a snack and the television, and one of those giant stuffed lions that the franchise gave you that one year, and I think shes going to be okay.You clocked her boyfriend on the head with your crutch?”
Xander shrugged and chucked the crutches down next to the bed before throwing himself on top of the covers ass first. With a grunt, he rooted around for the remote so he could watch the big screen on the wall. Yeah, yeah, sometimes fame and fortune had its perks.Hed trade everything including the dogs to have Chris in the bed next to him, and that wasnt an exaggeration. Hell, it wasnt even a sacrifice. (Okay—the dogs would have hurt, but not as much as Chris.)
“He was being rough with her, and she was fighting back. He didnt see me.” He thought about that for a minute, and blushed.“Which makes me a big cowardly douchebag myself, I guess. But Mandy was pretty intent on getting me out of there. I guess a big thugly asshole who would beat up on his ninety-two-pound girlfriend might try to take me for everything Im worth if he got his day in court.” Xander shrugged and sighed.“Good thing Im not worth much, right?
Xander was not prepared for the pillow in the face.
“Ow, Penny, fuck! What was that for?”
“My brothers breaking his heart over you, so shut up!” she snapped, and Xander threw his head back against the pillows and patted the side of the bed.
“No,” she sniffed. “Im still mad at you.”
“Your brothers doing better at this than I am,” he told her, feeling it.“He took Denver to a win tonight, you saw that, right?”
“Cliff took Denver to a win.Chris stuck around for the ride.”
“Thats a hot lie—Cliff is only that good whenhes playing with your brother. See?Everyone says its me, but I think youre all bug-shit crazy.Its him.” Oh God. It was. Chris was the one who was golden. Xander was just the Cave Man. Big, hulking, silent—unless, of course, he was beating douchebags over the hea
d with his clubs.
“What happened at halftime?” Penny asked, at random.
“I dont know. Coach chewed everyone a new asshole. They got tired of sitting on it and remembered to run.”
Penny gave another snort.“The sound picked up on you, you know? „Goddammit, you shouldnt take that shot? Is that ringing any bells?”
Xander blushed.“Im an ass. Its why I dont talk—I should probably break wind instead.”
This time Penny threw some sort of glass tchotchke that Chris had picked up on a trip to Vancouver that summer. Xander dodged neatly and caught it, and looked at her in outrage.
“Penny!”
“Grow up, Xander. You grow up, and I guarantee you, your precious team will win, and you and Chris can come out of the closet and the world will kiss your goddamned homotoes.”
Xander wiggled his bare toes, except for the black-and-blue one, which was still wrapped.“Are they different than straight toes?” he asked.“Because near as I can tell, only one of mine is bent right now.”
Penny didnt even crack a smile. “Yes, Xander. Youre gay right down to your straight toes, okay? And the only thing wrong with it is that you and Chris have hidden it for so long, that youve practically forgotten it yourselves.For you guys, its just”—her hands flailed for a minute—“„us. You say, „me-nChriss, and Chris says, „Xan-nme, and even Mom and Dad and I forget. And we know, and we love you, but youve never had to tell the whole rest of the world. You think maybe you could do this better if the whole world knew you were married, and it wasnt just a secret joke with your tattoos?”
Xander looked at her, tired to his bones. She was a human rights defense attorney—very junior, it was true, but God. Chriss little sister now had a law degree and a stubborn streak a mile wide, and she was so much like her mother it made Xanders chest swell just to look at her. But he couldnt do anything about it now. He knew what she wanted, and doing it now would just fuck them all. God—God. Chris and basketball.Its all hed ever wanted. When had making a political statement become a requirement of growing up?
He couldnt answer it now. In fact, right now, there was only one thing he could control.
“Penny, my foot hurts like… like… like I dont even have words for it. And my husband isnt here to kiss it and make it better. Sure.Id love to change the world, but right now, Im going to take a fucking painkiller and find an old movie to watch.Does that suit you?”
“Someday youre going to have to face all this, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, but for now, could you just get me some water?”
“Have you eaten?”
Xander groaned.“Not hungry.”
“Too bad. I know you just want the painkillers to get you high, but Im going to feed you anyway. Ill be back.”
That wasnt fair! He wanted the painkillers because his fucking foot hurt! Besides.Hed learned the night before that whatever Malloy was giving him mightmake him high, but it didnt make him sleep, and if it didnt make him sleep, it wasnt much good, now was it?
It didnt matter. Penny fed him a sandwich and a big glass of milk and a pill big enough to choke a horse, and they stayed up and watched V for Vendetta. Xander wondered about the world in that movie—would he be screwed twice because not only was he six foot nine but queer to boot? Either way, he wouldnt be playing basketball, that was for damned sure.
Still, that one line resonated. For three years, I had roses.
He and Chris had roses for nearly twelve years.Theyd have roses again.The world wasnt as dark as that movie. Yet.
In the Box
THE world was darkness, and cold. He could scream all he wanted, scream until his throat was hoarse and his ears hurt with his own shrieks, but warmth, kindness, and rescue were still far away.It didnt matter. He reached out with his hands into the absolute black, and felt… nothing. And then his fingers grew numb, and then his arms, and then his hands, and when his hands were weighted at his sides, useless and aching into the bones, things started to touch his face. He screamed, but they brushed his lips and he clamped them shut to keep them out. Tiny, biting things, squirming, skinless, wet and sticky, attaching to his face, his numb arms, his stomach, his chest, his privates, and he kept his mouth clamped shut and screamed and screamed and screamed….
“Xander!”
Was that in his dream?He couldnt decide for a moment. “Xander!”
He kept his eyes and his mouth clamped shut and screamed, and
then one of the dogs half-whuufed and he was startled into looking into the dark of his room. He flailed for Chris, butChris wasnt there, but Chriss voice screamed,“Xander!” and suddenly he was bolt upright in bed and wide awake.
“Fuck,” he muttered, trying to wipe the sleep from his eyes. “Oh, Jesus fuck me, Chris?”
“Jesus better not be fucking you, genius—thats my job!” Chriss voice was faintly disembodied, and Xander turned toward
the brightened computer screen to see Chris, in a nice-looking hotel room, looking back at him. “Oh.” Suddenly what Chris had said penetrated, and Xanders inner fifth grader (never far from the surface) reared his head, and Xander choked on a smirk.“Oh, geez, Chris, were going to hell for that!”
“Hey, you swore first!”
Xander fumbled for the lamp next to the bed table and blinked while his eyes adjusted to the light. Chris looked… tir ed. His eyes were a little bloodshot, and he was shirtless, leaning into the camera so Xander could see the blond stubble on his jaw and the sleepies (as Andi called them) in the corners of his eyes.
“Yeah, I did.” His dreams were always followed by a bone-drilling, marrow-chilling cold, and Xander wrapped his arms around his knees and gave in to the shivers. He felt pathetic. Somehow it was worse letting Chris see him like this when they couldnt touch, when Chris couldnt make it better.
“Shhhh… .” Chris reached out a hand toward the camera with a pained grimace.“Shhhh… kay, Xan.Youre just going to have to listen to my voice for a little,okay?”
Xan nodded, ashamed and embarrassed, but comforted by Chriss voice, because it was the only thing he had.“K… k… okkk… kay…,” he chattered, and then he leaned his head on his knees and letChriss usual burble of conversation wash right over him.
“So Cliff and I went out with the team after the game, and we managed to get some spoons from the waitress, right? And next thing you know were playing spoons in the middle of the bar. Except, it wasnt just a shot, it was shot and an appetizer—cheese stick, potato skin, whatever we were eating. And Cliff and I just totally ordered all of the greasiest, nastiest shit we could think of. You know, stuff that goes with Scotch like nitro in a blender, right?”
In spite of the shakes, Xander had to laugh a little, because he knew where this was going. God, Chris could be a bastard sometimes—that impish sense of humor could totally go south, with anybody but Xander.
“Right,” he said with a rusty voice. “You totally sabotaged them.” “Oh. My. God. It was epic! Cliff and I—well, you remember what we did in school, right? You should have seen him.Hed like grab one spoon and then hand it to me under the table before he grabbed the other spoon, and then Id do the same for him, and theres this rookie….”
“Oswald,” Xander supplied. Cocky little—five-foot-eleven— sonuvabitch who kept trying to prove he had the balls to play with the big boys on the court. A good player, just needed seasoning.
“Yeah, Oswald. Anyway, between the two of us, wed totally snatch all the spoons, and after like, the kids third round, he was so out of it that all we had to do was say, “Look! Shiny!” and then wed all go for the table, right?And hed be stuck with the greasy appetizer platter and the shot of rotgut Scotch, because thats the shit he drinks because—”
“He doesnt know any better.” Neither had Chris or Xander when they started. But they were good at being quiet, watching other folks, blending in. Theyd had to be, in order to pass for straight for so long. By their second game, they were ordering Royal Salute without batting an eye, a
nd comparing the taste to Glenlivet 18 Year without even a flush for how incredibly fraudulent theyd felt.
But a rookie who was used to being a trendsetter and a star? No. Hed be pretty easy prey.
“Dayum,” Chris said, chuckling.“Ive never seen anybody puke that much.I mean… I thought wed see his toenails or something, or pictures from the first grade.Well, thatll teach him.”
“What did he do?” Whatever it was, Xander had missed it.All hed seen was Chris—Chriss stats, Chriss highlights. Well, he always knew he had a one-track mind.
“Fouled out of the game, for one. The kid is brilliant. Not as brilliant as you, right, but— Fuck. Me. If that didnt almost cost us the win. Nope.Next time hell listen to Coach, and Cliff, and all the rest of us shouting at him. I mean,Denvers doing pretty good this year—he doesnt want to get traded.”
Xander whimpered in order to not point out the obvious, and Chris grimaced and yawned.
“How you feelin now, Xan? Better?”
Xander nodded.“Yeah, thank you.”
“Anything good happen to you?”
So it was Xanders turn to tell him about the new roommate, and when hed gotten most of the story out (hed just finished the part where Mandy jumped up on the counter) there was a knock on the door.
“Xander? Xander, is that you?”
Xander put his hands over his face.“Oh Christ.”
Chris laughed, but the sound was strained.“Well, shes your kitten, sweetie. You need to housetrain her if shes going to stay.”
“Chris—”
“Xander, who are you talking to?”
“Im on the phone,” Xander said, trying to keep his voice level. “Sorry, I didnt mean to wake you!”
“I was up getting a snack. Penny said I could—”
“Yeah, thats fine, Mandy. Im just talking to a friend right now, okay?”
“At four in the morning?”
“Well, its that kind of friend,” Xander replied with simple dignity, and Chris had the balls to guffaw, loudly, over the computer.
