by Bella Emy
I close out of the calendar app and there, bright as day, is the wallpaper on my phone. I hadn’t really paid much attention to it when I first opened it to get to the calendar, I guess because I had a purpose and was actually looking for something. Now that I have nothing to look for, it grips my attention, and I start reminiscing. Luis and I were smiling brightly in front of the tree at Rockefeller Center from the year before he died. We were so happy back then. Why did life have to be so cruel and take my husband from me? I frown. What else can I do?
I miss you so much, my love…
I think for a moment about cancelling on Grayson. After all, do I even want to have breakfast with him? Sure, he’s handsome, but what the fuck am I doing? I still love my husband. I probably always will.
No.
Scratch that.
I know I always will, even if one day in the far, far, FAR future, I happen to remarry someone else. God, I can’t even picture marrying anyone else. Luis had always been it for me. I knew it right from the moment we first met. To start all over and build something new with someone else just seems wrong. Dead or alive, Luis will always, always, always be my husband and one true love. God, I miss him so much.
I put my phone down on the bed and decide to get up. I’m going to just pretend like I forgot all about breakfast with Grayson should I happen to see him again later.
It just slipped my mind, I’m so sorry.
I shouldn’t feel guilty at all. I don’t have his phone number or any way to get in touch with him to let him know I can’t make it. I have my reasons. The whole purpose of this trip was to spend time alone on this God forsaken holiday. It’s three days before Christmas. Three days until I know the most difficult day of the year will hit me hard, as it does every single year I’ve been without Luis.
I shouldn’t feel guilty at all about standing up Grayson… but I do. Shit. I should’ve just told him last night I wouldn’t be able to make it.
The rumbling of my stomach lets me know I need to get some food. Pancakes. Waffles. Something of that nature… no more English finger food.
I head on into the bathroom and decide to shower. I’ll go out and get breakfast on my own. I just won’t head downstairs ‘til eleven. This will give him enough time to realize that I won’t be going. By ten-thirty, I’m sure he’ll figure out that I won’t be joining him.
Shrugging, I turn on the shower water and adjust the temperature. Once I’m satisfied, I strip out of all my clothes and let the warm sensation engulf me. Fuck, I so need this.
I lather up and then rinse off. I step out of the shower and wrap my body in a white terry cloth towel provided by the hotel. Wow, it’s super soft. This isn’t one of those rinky-dinky hotels where the towels are rough and hard on the skin. This is a four-star hotel that Gary had spent good money on. God, I owe him so much for this. I think today, after I get some breakfast, I’ll head into town and pick up a nice gift for him and his husband. He totally didn’t have to do any of this for me, but the fact that he did is just another reminder of how much he loves me. He is the best best friend I’ve ever had.
At 11:15 a.m., wearing a pair of denim jeans and a mid-length black overcoat topped with black Roberto Cavalli sunglasses, I head downstairs and make my way through the lobby. The coast is clear with no sign of Grayson. I let out a sigh of relief and walk through the front entrance undetected.
Even though our appointment had been set for 10 a.m., there is still a part of me that worries I may possibly run into him. Thankfully, he’d gotten the message when I didn’t show up and had taken off… if he had even decided to show up in the first place. Maybe he hadn’t even come. Oh well. It doesn’t matter now. I can go on my way and not have a thing to worry about.
Relieved, I push the glasses up onto my head and take in a breath of the crisp morning air. Once again, the London streets are crowded. A load of people are walking about with shopping bags in their hands with what I presume are Christmas gifts for their loved ones. That reminds me… after I eat something, I need to pick up a few things. Not just for Gary, but for my family at home, too. Just because I no longer celebrate the holiday doesn’t mean they don’t, either. Especially the kids. Lord knows they look forward to Christmas the other 364 days of the year.
I take another deep breath in, and right before I’m about to step foot to cross the street, I hear someone calling my name from a few feet behind me.
“Ana! Anabelle! Dr. Davidson, hold on!”
I spin around and see Grayson running to catch up with me. How the hell? Where did he come from? He’s chuckling as he finally meets up with me.
“Grayson…” I say, my nerves once again a hot mess.
“I saw you heading out of the lobby in a hurry. Thought I missed you somehow, but then finally you showed.”
Fuck. He had been waiting. The whole time? Should I be worried?
“I’m sorry… I…” I begin, not knowing what to say. I was going to tell him I had forgotten all about our breakfast plans, but for some reason, I can’t lie to him. I feel terrible, as though the words would come out wrong and he’d know I was lying.
He offers me a small, friendly smile and waves his hands in front of his chest. “Hey, it’s okay. Really. I get it. We’ve only just met, and I’m sure there’s some good reason as to why you’d want to spend Christmas all alone without any of your family members or friends. You don’t need to get into it with me.”
I tilt my head slightly to the side. Who is this man, and why the hell is he so understanding? He doesn’t even know me. And yet, he seems to get my reasoning, even if he has no idea at all what that reasoning may be.
“Thank you,” is all I manage to respond.
“Well, I’ll let you be on your way. I just wanted to clear things up and let you know I’m not offended in case you’d see me later. I didn’t want you to feel awkward around me.”
Damn. He’s a fucking saint. Would it have been so bad to just grab some food with him? God, I’m such an idiot, and per usual, I overreacted. Over nothing.
He smiles and turns around, and before I have a chance to stop myself, I decide to take the plunge forward. “Hey, hold on, Grayson.”
He turns around again, his eyes a shimmering green. Jesus… they look like they’re straight out of a painting. Their hue is so vivid. “Yes, Ana?”
“I’d love it if you would join me for… what is it now?” I look at my watch. Already 11:30 a.m. “Brunch? Then maybe take a stroll through the streets of London?” I suggest.
He flashes me another one of his gorgeous smiles and replies, “I’d love to join you, Anabelle.”
Twenty minutes later, we find ourselves talking over coffee, toast, bacon, and eggs in a small but cute cafe a few blocks from the hotel. There aren’t many people in here, and it’s cozy enough that you can really get to know someone.
“So, how long have you been playing the piano?” I ask as I take a sip of the rich black roast in front of me. It’s still piping hot, which warms my insides right up. The cold winter chill has been filling the air since I’ve arrived here. The snow continues to cover the ground, but it seems as though a new snowfall is about to make its way down; the sky is awfully gray.
He wipes his mouth with a white napkin and then meets my gaze. “I started playing back when I was, oh probably about eight years old. I’ve always loved playing.”
My eyes widen. “Wow, and so you’ve been playing ever since. And you’ve been here for a few years now… were you doing the same job back in the US when you used to live there?”
“No, I wasn’t. Not for a long time, anyway. I used to play the piano on the side, but my career was being a copier repair tech.”
I nod my head. “Wow, that’s a completely different field.”
“Yeah, I used to have a completely different life, but that’s something else.”
Something else? Sounds like something he is hiding and doesn’t want to get into. I can respect that. I can totally relate. I know what it feels l
ike to be holding something deep down in my heart, not wanting to share with others. I don’t say anything and allow him to continue.
“I actually just started playing again two months ago, after being away from it for almost four years.”
Four years… isn’t that when he had said he moved out to the UK? I wonder if his lack of playing has something to do with that.
He carefully rolls up his sleeves three-quarters of the way, and on his forearm, in black ink, is a tattoo. I can see only an inkling of a word, possibly a name, scribbled in cursive. The letters “K-A-Y” gracefully flow together in a wiggly pattern.
He notices where my eyes have darted, and just as quickly, moves his arm so that it’s hardly visible. I pretend not to notice anything. This is obviously awkward for him.
“Well, those four years away haven’t diminished your talent. The music sounded beautiful when I heard you playing,” I say, to get the conversation going again. I smile at him and he smiles back.
“Well, thank you. I appreciate that.”
We finish the rest of our meal talking about New York, London, and the season. The whole time I’m with him, I don’t think about my life up to this point whatsoever. It’s been a nice distraction, and I have to say I am truly enjoying myself.
“So, I feel like I should probably tell you a little bit about myself,” I say as we walk through the icy streets of London. The frosted breeze whooshes through the air. Its glaciated chill gently kisses my rosy cheeks.
He’s walking so close to me that our arms occasionally bump into one another. Even from here, as the deliciously mouthwatering aroma of roasted nuts waft through the streets, I can still make out his manly scent. It’s woodsy and musky, and damn, he smells so good.
“What are you talking about, Ana? You already have, back at the cafe.”
I shake my head but can’t tell if he notices or not. “Not really. I told you about my family, my profession, and my most favorite interests and hobbies. You know I have a brother, I’m a Scorpio, I’m a doctor–an obstetrician–, and that I have an undying love for Nutella on toast. But you don’t know about me, my life… ultimately, why I’m here and have chosen to spend Christmas alone.”
We reach a cobblestone bridge overlooking a cute pond. The scenery is beautiful, looking like something right out of a Hallmark movie.
We lean up against one side of the bridge’s ledges, facing the pond below. He’s the first to speak once we find comfort. “Well, like I told you before, it’s obvious something really big happened for you to want to be alone around the holiday season. You don’t have to go into it if you don’t want to or aren’t comfortable.”
He’s right. I could totally walk away from this conversation right now, and he would be okay with it, not pressuring me or anything. But something inside of me is ready to open up. Something wants me to rid this huge burden off of my chest. The only people I ever speak to about my past are Gary and my family. And even then, I’ve come to eventually keep it minimal with them. Who honestly wants to hear about how depressed I’ve been without Luis 24/7? Who wants to hear how miserable I am now that I am in this life alone? I know that if I were in their shoes, I sure as shit wouldn’t want to.
I turn to face him, and he immediately turns to face me as well. Damn, he’s tall. He has to be close to six feet, if he isn’t. I’m only 5’3”, so he towers over me.
My eyes look up into his, and for a second, I get lost. I forget my words and what I had been planning on telling him. Their emerald green hue is completely enchanting, much like when he plays the piano.
Finally coming to my senses, I say, “I know I don’t have to tell you anything or go into details about my life to you. But I want to.”
Suddenly he grabs me by surprise by taking my hands in his. I’m tempted to pull away, but I don’t. I let the magic of this moment engulf me. He responds, saying, “Then, I’ll gladly listen,” with a beautiful genuine smile.
His hands are larger than mine and surprisingly warm. In this cold weather, my hands are like icicles; his are like a heater. They warm my hands right up.
For a moment, I’m sad. So sad. It’s as if something is telling me that opening up to him will mean I’m forever letting go of Luis. But another part of me is trying to welcome this new friendship. That’s all this is. But should it ever turn into more, would that be such a horrible thing? Gary and Dylan always tell me how much I deserve to be happy once more. I deserve to enjoy life once again and find a new love. They say that doesn’t mean I’ll have stopped loving Luis, but that I’ll be allowing myself to live my life. They say he’d want me to live and not die alongside with him. But can I? Can I do it?
One thing I know for sure, though, is that if I don’t try, I’ll never know.
A single tear spills down from my eye onto my cheek.
“Ana,” he murmurs softly, letting go of my hands and wiping my tear away with his fingers.
I smile sadly and shake my head. “It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m ready.”
Taking a deep breath, I begin. “Four years ago, my life changed, as did yours. I was forced to deal with some life-altering events that came upon unexpectedly.”
He nods and grips my hands again, a little tighter this time.
“I was once a wife to the love of my life. Luis and I had been married for a few years, but we had been together for as long as I can remember. Both of us were doctors. Both of us worked at the same hospital. Doctors don’t really get holidays off. Well, neither do wives. We can be dealt with travesties just like anyone else. But four years ago, on Christmas Eve, while Luis and I were on our way to work, we were in a car accident. I walked away with some scars on my head and a broken arm. Nothing that couldn’t be treated or eventually heal. Unfortunately, Luis hadn’t been so lucky. He was thrown from the car…”
I have to stop myself for a moment at this point. The memories of that tragic day are too much as they come rushing back to me like they had just happened.
“Oh, Ana. I’m so sorry,” he says with sad eyes. He runs his hands over mine as a means to comfort. It does help a little knowing he is listening.
I take another deep breath and continue. “A day later, on Christmas morning, I was forced to say goodbye to my husband forever. Since then, every year around this time, I turn into the real-life Scrooge. I don’t want to deal with it, and the last thing I want to do is celebrate a day that, for me, has brought nothing but sorrow and pain unlike any I’ve ever known before. Each year, I spend it at home surrounded by my family. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve been wonderful and nothing less than amazing, but this year, I just couldn’t do it again. I wanted to be alone. So my best friend, Gary, and his husband, Kyle, surprised me with a trip to London by myself for the holidays.”
I see he wants to smile, possibly even laugh. I guess he wasn’t expecting that little bit of information.
“Yes, Gary is my gay best friend. He’s my bestie, and I love him to death.”
He nods his head in approval. “I get it. My cousin, Dennis, is engaged to the man of his dreams. But I’m glad you have such amazing friends that did that for you, Ana.”
I smile, still softly shedding tears here and there. “Me too.” I have to admit, I feel a hundred times better now that I’ve opened up to him and shared a little bit. No wait. Scratch that. A big bit about me.
In this moment, we both instantly turn around. We look back down at the pond, and I can’t help but wonder if now he’ll share with me the reason why he ran away. Instead, he places an arm around my shoulder and brings me closer to him still.
“I’m here, too, if you need me, Ana.” Moments later, he says, “Hey, listen. There’s something I want to tell you.”
I turn my head so that I can face him. I guess now he definitely is going to open up and tell me about his past. After all, it is the perfect time.
“Yes, Grayson?” I respond, all ears.
He chuckles, lightening the mood. Maybe this isn’t what I’m expecting…
/>
“I’ll be performing in two days at the theatre down on London Square. I’d love it if you’d come hear me play?” he asks more than states.
“Sure, I’d love to hear you play,” I respond. I don’t really know what more to say, but instead, I allow my head to lean on his chest and take another breath of the crisp London air.
5
“Green, you say? Hmm… I already like him,” Gary says through a mouthful of popcorn as I’m speaking to him on the phone. He has just told me that he and Kyle were about to watch Elf, his favorite Christmas movie of all-time. Personally, I can’t get enough of Home Alone, but I love Elf, too.
“You’re just saying that because that’s Channing Tatum’s eye color,” I say, holding up the black and red plaid skirt over my waist and turning from side-to-side in the mirror. I’m currently rushing to get dressed so that I’m not late for Grayson’s performance tonight at London Square.
I had to call Gary, though. I needed to tell him all about Grayson and ask if I was moving too fast by agreeing to go hear him play. I mean, it was a public event and there’d be tons of people there. It wasn’t as if it were a romantic candlelit dinner at some fancy five-star restaurant.
“That may or may not be true, sweetheart, but the fact remains that this is someone who has been nothing but sweet to you and is keeping you company while I’m not there. I know the whole point of the trip was to be alone during this time, but I was hoping you’d find a way not to be. And it doesn’t hurt one bit that this man sounds extremely scrumptious!”
I chuckle. That’s Gary for you. His sense of humor never falters.
I put the skirt down on the bed and then take a seat next to it. “He is incredibly handsome…” I admit.
“Exactly, so hurry up and get your ass out that door! You don’t want to be late for such a big event of his. And girl, by the end of the night, you’d best let him kiss you.”
