by B. T. Narro
“An ugly one,” she replied bluntly. “Especially with the light facial hair I can see when the sun hits your face. It’s truly disgusting for any woman.”
At my height, I was a very tall woman, and Lisanda was a short man. Together, we were one odd-looking pair. My pants were big on her, so she rolled up the bottoms and tightened the belt as far as it would go.
I knew I couldn’t even get my feet in her shoes, so I kept mine. They were dirt brown without a heel and with laces up the side, making them the typical working-class shoe. While hardly any woman had feet as big as mine, at least the design of the shoe was found on women often enough.
Her wedding shoes, on the other hand, were a clear sign of her gender. So I told her to go barefoot, keeping her shoes in the pockets of my pants that she wore. Her shoes didn’t completely fit in the pockets, but my buttoned shirt hung down far enough on her to cover the ends of the shoes sticking out.
Her tunic I was wearing was in bad shape. It was covered in stains of various colors. But at least the inside was cool and rather pleasing against my skin.
Wearing it gave me a strange childlike excitement from just knowing how ridiculous it was. I was nervous but giddy, constantly holding back a grin as I listened to Lisanda complain.
When she finished a rant about what her father would say if she was found like this, I had to let out a smile, but a laugh accidentally came with it.
“You think this is funny?”
“Yes.” I was trying to stop myself from laughing further, but her face—it was as if she thought something was seriously wrong with me. Her mouth was open, her nose pinched. I laughed harder. I couldn’t help it.
“There’s nothing humorous about this!”
I calmed myself, knowing she was right. This was no time for humor.
“Let’s hear your man-voice in case they ask who you are,” I said.
She coughed and cleared her throat. “My name is…wait, what is my name?”
I had to stop. We were getting too close, and uncontrollable laughter had burst out of me. I tried to get out my words in between laughs to explain.
“Your voice…you sounded like…a dying duck!” I tried to catch my breath. “Way too much twang!”
She wasn’t amused, standing straight with folded arms. “Well, let’s hear yours then.”
It was easier for me. I could just channel my sister. I’d imitated her voice many times during playful teases.
I calmed myself again, taking a few heavy breaths to let the laughter subside.
“My name is Kalli.” I faced straight ahead, speaking to an imaginary guard. I gestured toward Lisanda. “This here is my husband, Gerard.” It was the first name that came to mind.
“Husband?” Her voice squeaked.
“Yes. I was going to say we were visiting my family in the city and now we’re leaving. You have a better scenario for us coming out of the city with a horse?”
“I don’t want to be your husband. I want to be,” she paused, her eyes wandering along the ground, “your master. You’re my servant, and I was summoned to an important meeting with nobles to discuss…” Her eyes fell for a breath and then shifted back to me. She fluttered a hand. “To discuss something I haven’t figured out yet.”
“That doesn't even make sense, especially because we look the same age and I’m going to be doing the talking.”
“If your skin were darker we could be siblings,” she said with defeat.
“But it’s not.”
She sighed loudly. “Fine, but don’t try to kiss me or anything like that. And pull down your dress. You look like a whore—a hairy, gigantic one at that.”
Somehow the bottom of the tunic got bunched up around my left knee. I quickly straightened it.
We waited in line quietly. I listened to those around me as much as I could without making my eavesdropping obvious.
Most were families who were leaving the city with all the belongings they could carry, traveling southwest toward the quiet town of Facian or many miles farther to the even quieter town of Vanmark.
Then there were a number of younger folk, perhaps between two and five years older than me. Scattered throughout the line, they stood alone, speaking to no one, all of them men. Most had horses. I could only guess they were in The Nest for business, living outside the city normally—perhaps in a similar situation to me in the last year.
When I worked with Drent, the blacksmith up north, I often wished I could visit my farm back home. But it was more than twenty miles as the crow flies, too long of a trip without a horse. Work allowed no days off. We were very busy, especially after word got around about me being there.
I hadn’t seen Drent since Danvell Takary had a group of guards come and bring me to the palace. Drent wasn’t too happy about that, but he knew better than to argue against guards with an order from the King.
Drent was a simple man, enjoying simple pleasures—food, beer, crafting weapons, money, and women…especially women. He was meticulous, just as careful with words as he was when shaping iron with his hammer. Whether he was blunt, curt, or cautious, he was always precise. He didn’t care for theatrics like I did, generally working by the forge in the basement when a crowd gathered to see me cast, but he did appreciate the business I brought and never held my social nature against me.
I wondered if anyone from the King’s staff had told him what was requested of me, of the kidnapping of Harwin. At least I knew he wasn’t one to feel betrayed or lonely if I didn’t return.
I grew nervous as we got closer to the eight guards. Only one guard was questioning each person trying to leave, but the other seven stood close by, vigilant. It was rare to see guards this professional. I figured they’d been given a stern warning about severe repercussions if I got out of the city with Lisanda on their watch.
I kept a hand near my wand in the side pocket of the tunic, unable to relax. Lisanda seemed very interested in the guard’s faces, spending too long staring at each of them.
“Don't make eye contact,” I whispered.
She turned to me. “I wanted to see if I knew any of them.”
“Do you?”
“No. None of them patrol the palace. But they could still know me.”
I believed her, but I couldn’t say why. It was something about her tone and the way she looked into my eyes. She seemed concerned, but cooperative, like her concern was for both of us, not just herself.
Or she was just a good liar.
It was our turn next. I listened to the questions asked of the young man in front of us for clues of what was to come. But the guard didn’t say anything, not at first. He grabbed the young man by the shoulders and twisted him to get a good look at his face, staring silently.
“Name?” the guard finally demanded.
“Winston, sir.” When he spoke I realized I’d misjudged his age. He must’ve been closer to seventeen than I’d originally thought. He had brown hair like mine, but his face was completely different, looking nothing like me.
The guard spun him to face the other seven. He pushed the young man toward them. “Go over there.”
The seven guards eagerly inspected his belt and made him open his bags.
“You, come along.” The main guard pointed to me.
I gave him the line I’d prepared with Kalli’s voice. “Hello sir, we’re leaving town to head back home. My name is—”
“Get out of here you ugly bitch.” He waved me through as if swatting a fly, his face scrunched in disgust. “We’re looking for someone important.”
I hesitated, somewhat offended. But then my wits returned and I hurried along, dragging our horse with one hand and Lisanda with the other.
When we were clear of the guards, I couldn’t hold my complaint any longer. “He called me a bitch, and I didn’t even do anything!”
“You talked too much and too bluntly. You don’t know how to act like a lady. I need to get out of these clothes before anyone else sees me.”
I n
odded, knowing there was nothing I could do about the rude guard.
Lisanda lowered her voice, looking slightly embarrassed. “I also need to relieve myself.”
Chapter 16: Crackers
We were about a mile from the city when we found a good place to stop. The sun hung low, the bottom of it touching the hills to make them look as if they were exploding. There was so much distance between people around here that no neighbor could look out a window to see another’s house.
I steered the horse up to a wide tree. We weren’t in a forest, but sparse trees were in every direction along with untamed bushes and plants, some taller than me. Grass filled all the space between everything. We were far from the nearest path, making it extremely unlikely we’d be found.
“We can change here, and you can relieve yourself behind that tree,” I told the Princess.
She slid off the horse. I came off next, giving my legs and arms a stretch. It had been a long day.
I covertly removed my wand and pouch of crackers, pushed both into my socks, and pulled off the tunic. She waited on the other side of the horse. I handed the tunic to her over the animal’s back, knowing she would take it behind a tree to change.
She came back shortly with the tunic on and my clothes in her arms. I half expected her to throw them on the ground before returning to the tree to relieve herself. But instead, she actually came up to my nearly naked body and handed them off. She seemed more comfortable with the injuries on my chest and stomach by then, hardly giving them a glance.
The bandana fell to the ground during the process. She bent down before I could, snatching it up and holding it behind her back with both hands as she faced me.
I held out my hand. “What are you doing?” I asked. It was strange to see her behave this way. I would’ve thought she was being playful, but her face wasn’t friendly. Her eyes held annoyance, like I’d done something to upset her.
She fiddled her hands behind her body, but I had no idea what they were doing.
“Nothing,” she answered eventually, bringing the bandana out and handing it to me while keeping her other hand behind her back. She turned and headed back to the tree.
I wondered what had just happened. I threw on my shirt and pants and stayed with the horse, petting him as he nibbled on grass. Lisanda stopped to look back at me nervously.
“You can’t expect me to go with you standing right there,” she said.
“You just changed back there, why not piss?”
She squinted like I’d just said a nasty curse. “It’s different.”
“Well, you can wait until we get to the farm, but it’s going to be about two or three more hours.”
She grunted. “I can’t wait that long.”
I shrugged. “Then go.”
She pointed to the tree behind me. “Tie yourself up so you can’t come over.”
I laughed, thinking this time she had to be joking. But no, she stood with her arms folded, as serious as ever.
“You’re too much sometimes,” I said, turning to hide my smile. “I don’t know what you believe about low-class scum like me, but watching a princess piss is something I’d rather not see. I’m not going over there.”
Her arms dropped, but she still stared as if trying to figure me out. Her wrists were entangled as she shifted back and forth. Then she slowly made her way behind the tree, staying out of view for a breath before poking her head around to check on me. I remained still.
Her head popped out once again to check on me before darting back out of view.
I waited, listening only because I needed to hear if she tried to sneak away. Jumping on the horse and catching her would be easy no matter which direction she went as long as I was aware. I figured she wouldn’t, though. There was nowhere to run.
“Can’t you sing something?” she called from behind the tree. “I can’t go when I know you’re right there listening.”
A punch of excitement hit me. I used to sing with Kalli and Sannil. They both said I had a good voice, but I learned from Sannil, who I felt was a stronger singer. Kalli was the real gifted musician of the family, teaching herself how to play the lute from books and everyday practice that used to drive me crazy before she got better.
But as much as I wanted to sing, I was cautious. Lisanda had taken advantage of her privacy before. I figured she might have something else planned.
“You may have royal blood,” I said, “but your piss is just like any other, nothing I haven’t heard before.”
She sighed loudly, staying behind the tree. “Just sing anything! I can’t go in this wretched silence.”
She sounded genuine enough. I decided to trust her, so I sang as I bent down to retrieve my wand from my sock.
The song I chose was Caught a Key, a tale about a fisherman who reeled in a strange key instead of a fish. It caused him to chase a mystical treasure, eventually leading to his death. I always liked songs that told a story, even the sad ones.
While I sang, my hands fiddled around my socks, but I forgot what they were supposed to be looking for. I lost my train of thought in order to concentrate on the words and melody. I’d already retrieved my wand. What else was I doing with my socks again? I sang only a few verses before I remembered it was the pouch of crackers.
It wasn’t in my other sock…it must’ve fallen out when I was changing!
Fear gripped my throat, stopping my song. If the crackers spilled and the horse ate them, there was no way we could ride him another five miles to the farm. I’d never been on a hallucinating horse, and I had no intention to, either. I looked around my feet but couldn’t find the bag.
I heard something from behind the tree, and it didn’t sound like liquid. It was a crackling sound, almost like Lisanda chewing on something crunchy. Were the crackers on the ground when the bandana fell? Was that what her hands were doing behind her back, separating the crackers from the bandana?
“Lisanda?” I shouted. She didn’t respond. “Lisanda! I’m coming over there unless you say something.”
“Don’t!” she shouted back with a full mouth.
“You do have them! Don’t eat those crackers!” I yelled, rushing over.
She went around the other side of the tree, running away from me.
“Because you were saving them for yourself?” She was stuffing crackers into her mouth as she fled.
“You don’t want to eat those!” I yelled, grabbing her tunic.
She stopped and twisted, going back the other way and slipping from my fingers. “You gave me more bread like you were being nice, but that’s only because you had all these crackers, keeping them from me selfishly!”
I caught up to her again, grabbing her arm. “They’re hallucinogens! Stop!”
She snatched her arm out of my grip, changing directions again. Bastial hell, she was quick.
“Hallucinogens? That’s clever, but why would you have them? I don’t believe you. Get away!”
This time I wrapped my arms around her waist and brought her to the ground as carefully as I could. “I’m serious!” I yelled, trying to grab the pouch from her hand.
“They’re delicious. No wonder you didn’t want to share.”
She held the pouch on the other side of her body, so I climbed on top of her to reach it.
Holding her wrist with one hand, I used my other to grab the pouch and crush it between our hands. Then I maneuvered our hands so the open end of the pouch was upside down, shaking out the crumbs into the dirt.
“Why’d you do that?” she screamed.
She was still chewing a mouthful of the crackers, so I put my hands on her cheeks and tried to push it out. “Don’t swallow it!”
She turned her head back and forth, grabbing my wrists and pulling them away. I grew worried she was going to choke, so I eased back, keeping my hands off her face.
“Lisanda, listen to me. I’m not lying. Those are really hallucinogens.”
She stopped mid-chew, her eyes turning from angry to worr
ied. “You’re serious?”
I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes!”
She reached into her mouth, retrieved a ball of masticated cracker, and tossed it to her side, wiping her hand on the grass.
I leaned down to look at her closely, looking for any sort of similarities I’d seen in Goreng’s eyes. “How many did you eat?”
“About half,” she answered.
We both were breathing heavily. Her thick, raven-hued hair was all over her face. I was still on top of her and just realized it then. The horse came over to investigate the crumbs. I quickly jumped up and led him away.
“Some bird is going to be out of its poor little mind when it finds those crumbs,” I muttered.
Lisanda sat up. “Why do you have hallucinogens?”
“They were given to me. I had room in my pocket, so I kept them.” I came over to pull her up. She let me, brushing herself off after she was on her feet.
“Are you sure these are hallucinogens?” she asked. “I don’t see anything.”
“Let’s hope they’re not,” I said. “I haven’t tried them, so I can’t be sure.”
“What’s going to happen to me if they are?”
“I think you’ll feel something first before you see anything.” I remembered the way Giant and Goreng had behaved, with silly grins and accentuated excitement. “Just stay with me. I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”
She nodded, her eyes holding me in their gaze. “Is half of that pouch a lot of crackers?”
“I’m not sure.”
We got back on the horse. I was hungry but also a bit nervous for Lisanda. I had no idea how long the crackers would take to affect her. I had even less of a clue what she would see or do. Goreng was mostly coherent, but he seemed well experienced with them. Lisanda obviously wasn’t.
“I think I feel funny,” she told me. Her arms were around my stomach again, her fragrance storming into my senses. Finding myself a bit overwhelmed by the fluttery feeling it gave me, I tried to ignore it as best I could.
“No matter what, remember you’ll be fine,” I said.
