by B. T. Narro
Panting, she nearly fell into an embrace with me, half hanging on my arm, half squeezing her arm around my back. I awkwardly clung to her as well.
Her other hand still held the empty water pouch. We’d left the other pouches near the river. I hoped the snake wasn’t still there.
“I’m surprised to find out you don’t like snakes,” I joked.
Still doubled over, she giggled rhythmically. It pushed my mouth into a wide smile. “Is there anyone that likes those things?” Lisanda asked rhetorically.
“Kalli,” I mentioned, not that it really mattered.
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
Lisanda straightened but continued to hold on to me. She stood before me now. My hands shifted to her sides, as hers did to my hips.
“You win the wager,” she said, looking up at me. “I promise not to leave until you have the cure.”
That damn thought of kissing her came back. I knew I should let go of her and step back. An even better idea would be to turn away from her tempting lips. But I couldn’t do either of those things.
“I have no interest in marrying your sister, anyway,” I told her instead.
She held me with her eyes. “I wish you wouldn’t look at me like that,” she uttered softly. To my surprise, she kept her hands on me.
“I can’t help it,” I said, unable to take my hands or my eyes off her.
My heart swelled in my chest to the point of pain. I knew what the ache was from: a screaming urge to lean down and kiss her. I even knew she would kiss me back—I could see it in her eyes. But every other part of me knew I shouldn’t. A voice yelled at me to move away.
I found myself hopelessly weak, praying Lisanda would take it upon herself to peel her eyes from mine or to remove her hands from my hips…something to stop this. Bastial hell, even a slap would be welcomed right now.
In one smooth motion, Lisanda brought both feet toward me, wrapped her arms fully around my body, and went to her toes to slide her chin onto my shoulder. I returned her embrace by holding her close, and together we sighed. In the breath she let out, I could hear the same frustration that I felt. It was like being hungry but knowing we wouldn’t be able to eat anything. It made my whole body tense, strained, desperate for relief.
I kissed her on the top of her head. It seemed to help relieve the ache of my heart at first, but then her smell came into my senses. Memories of her pressed against me atop the horse on the way to my family’s farm flooded my mind.
I pulled her tighter to my chest, somewhat because I wanted to, but mostly because I thought it would help squelch my rushing heart. Of course, her breasts pushing against me had the opposite effect. I knew the best thing to do would be to let go of her, but I couldn’t do it.
“Jek.” Lisanda let her chin off my shoulder to return to her heels. She slowly stepped back from me, and my arms came back to her sides. “We both know how this is going to end.” She looked at me for two slow breaths as I dreaded what I knew she would say. “We’re never going to see each other again, and this is only making it harder to accept.”
Lisanda lovingly held my cheek in her palm. “I’ll admit I’ve started to care what happens to you and your family.” She lowered her arm and peeled my hands from her sides. “But no good will come of this.”
Excuses flooded my mind. We could run…but then I wouldn’t be cured, and what kind of life would we have? One away from my family and hers, on the run from her father…no. Could we see each other after this was over? No, Varth Farro, let alone her father, never would allow the farm boy who’d kidnapped her to visit. If I married Jessend, I might be able to spend time with Lisanda…no, that was the worst idea of them all, completely cruel.
“I can see that you know I’m right.” Lisanda gave a playful tap to my nose. “So stop using your ocean blue eyes to look at me like that.” She frowned and turned away. “It hurts.”
The craziest idea popped into my head then, and I blurted it out before I gave myself time to think it through. “What if we got married after this is over?”
Shock hit her face. My heart was pumping so hard I barely could think. What in Bastial hell did I just say? I waited for her inevitable argument, or insult, or slap even, but it looked like Lisanda was speechless for the first time I could remember. It seemed like I’d broken her.
The shock on her face remained longer than I’d ever seen on anyone else’s. Her eyes were wide, lines creasing her forehead.
“You wouldn’t have to marry Varth Farro,” I blurted next. Why was I still trying to convince her to agree? I should be shaking my head and telling her I didn’t mean it. No, too late for that now. I obviously had.
“That’s no longer my choice,” she answered. “I’ve already agreed to that marriage for the sake of my family.”
“Can’t Jessend marry him instead?” I knew she would prove me wrong the moment I’d said it. I was beginning to feel like a sniveling child who’d misbehaved and now was trying to argue out of it even though all words were clearly futile.
“Jessend will find someone much better than Varth Farro. She’s very good with men, and I would never force him upon her.” Lisanda took my hands. “Jek, stop making me give you excuses. It’s causing me to feel like the villain. You know as well as I do this isn’t going to work. And you’re being silly to think either of us is ready to marry the other.”
She stepped toward me again, going to her toes to kiss me on the cheek. It was a long kiss, long enough for me to feel the heat from her mouth against me. Strangely, I didn’t go into the frenzy I thought I would as soon as I saw her lips coming toward me. I was too defeated, too suddenly aware of my thirst and weariness. I felt myself frowning.
“You really do tend to act without thinking.” She pressed my nose with her finger once more. “But it’s sweet for you to suggest that…completely mad, but sweet.”
“You’re right. It’s mad.” I sighed, somewhat relieved to be out of that conversation. “Let’s retrieve the water pouches we dropped, and we’ll find a safer place to fill them.”
Lisanda nodded. “And it would be wise to make an effort to stop touching each other.” She tilted her head to look at me from the top of her eyes. “Right?”
I couldn’t agree. My body became flushed with a rush of heat starting from my chest and spreading quickly to each limb. It pained me to look at her and think of never feeling her hand in mine again, of her never touching my cheek as she’d just done, of never feeling my lips against hers.
I realized then I’d always figured we would kiss again. I just didn’t know when.
I wished I could tell myself that I acted without thinking, but that would be lying. I made a decision this time, even thought about it for a few rushed heartbeats—giving myself enough time to know it was a bad idea but that I was going to do it anyway.
After two quick steps toward Lisanda, I ran my hand through her hair to hold on to the back of her head and used my other hand to wrap around her back, pulling her close. I leaned down to kiss her. Because of our height difference, she had to tilt her head to the sky to reach my mouth, but she did, immediately throwing her arms around my neck the moment our lips met.
It was just one long kiss. Our lips pressed firmly and held in the same way our hands clung to the other’s body. It was sad, the kind of kiss you’d expect a man and wife might share before being separated. It was the kind of kiss that spoke: I would miss her; I would miss this.
I let my lips say it, and I could tell hers said the same.
Chapter 29: Secrets
Carrying six full water pouches, we wouldn’t have been able to touch on the way back even if we’d tried.
As I’d suspected, it was a poor choice to kiss her. Little did I know I’d gotten somewhat used to not kissing. But now that I’d felt her lips again, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It made it even more clear how right she was—that the more physical we were with each other, the harder it would be to part.
At least the
conversation between us was lively. We sang and laughed and shared humiliating stories, and then we told tales about our sisters when their toughness got the better of them. I never would’ve guessed I had so much in common with a Takary princess.
Soon, we got to talking about magic. Lisanda seemed far more interested than she’d let on before.
Eventually, she surprised me with a tough question: “What will you do with your life if the cure does take away your ability with magic?”
I thought for a long while before finally admitting, “I always told myself I’d figure that out if it actually happened. Some part of me thinks I’ll never be cured, making me believe I won’t have to worry about that.”
It was always hard to think of myself in the future and infinitely more difficult to wonder what I would do without magic.
“Is this part of you still as loud as usual?”
“No, it’s quieted some.” I took a moment to gaze at the clouds between the tops of trees, calmly drifting with us back to camp, as if eavesdropping. Then I checked around us for Exo. I’d hoped to find him before we returned, but the chances of stumbling into another person in this great forest were slim.
“I realize I should figure out my plans for the future if I can’t use magic, but the truth is that I honestly don’t know.”
“What about working with that blacksmith in The Nest? Did you learn how to do anything besides fill wands with Sartious Energy?”
“I did, but that work wouldn’t suit me. Anyway, I doubt your father will let me back in the city. And even if he did, people would visit expecting me to perform high-level magic. I would grow very weary of their disappointed faces.”
Lisanda’s face tightened with intrigue. “Are you sure you want to give up your magic ability to be cured of the darkness?”
“Yes…what was the phrase you used earlier? A thousand times yes?”
She nodded with a wry smile.
“Then my answer is a million times yes.”
There were few things in the world worse than my darkness, one being what nearly had happened to my family at my doing. I used to think the most lurid afflictions were those that torment consistently, like an illness, but now I knew that nothing would be worse than the blood of a loved one on my hands.
My darkness was unfair, infuriating, and one day it may even kill me. But no amount of frustration and pain ever could hurt me as deeply as the stark self-loathing that would overtake me if getting my cure led to Kalli or Sannil’s death.
Knowing all this now, I realized that if trading Lisanda for the cure would put her in danger, I would be far more likely to give her up without it. I even felt somewhat disgusted with myself for taking her in the first place—and then there was Harwin! I couldn’t let myself forget about him. I’d put too many people in danger already for this.
I made a decision. This was the last thing I would do to get the cure. No more kidnapping, nothing to put others’ lives at risk. I’d rather live with the darkness than be responsible for any harm dealt to an innocent person.
Terror hit me when I didn’t see Kalli back at camp. I could see the same terror in Lisanda’s face.
“Kalli?” I called, feeling as if the ground was about to open up beneath my feet.
Thankfully, she emerged from the trees surrounding our belongings. “Took you long enough.” She gestured at us with a book. “What happened?”
I breathed. “Had to travel a bit farther than expected to find a safe enough place along the river,” I answered.
Her eyes squinted skeptically. “Mmm hmm.” She made her thoughts quite clear: You two kissed again, didn’t you? I avoided her face as best I could while bringing the water pouches over, trying to hide the answer I knew she would figure out soon enough.
The three of us made a fire and prepared food. Kalli and I expressed our worries about Sannil, as he’d promised to be back before nightfall. He still had plenty of time to follow through with his promise, but I felt a hollowness in my stomach that no food could satisfy. I knew it would remain until he returned.
Eventually, Kalli announced that she’d been itching to play her lute but had to wait until we returned in case Exo was close enough to hear it. She went to the trees to retrieve it before anyone had time to argue. Lisanda looked at me curiously, wondering what I had to say about that.
I shrugged. “If Exo did find us, it would be better now instead of when we’re sleeping.”
“There’s always a chance that Kory killed him,” Lisanda said, though her tone was pessimistic.
“I suppose there is that chance,” I replied with even heavier pessimism.
Kalli emerged from the trees holding her lute with childlike excitement. “Music is the best way to make emotions tangible. Rather than stewing in our worry about Father, why not sing about it?” She looked at Lisanda with an inviting smile. “Do you know Come Home?”
At first I thought it was a strange choice, as the song was told from the perspective of a wife whose husband was a shotmarl player sent to battle the desmarls. But then I thought of the words and the melody, and a tingle came from my stomach, spreading to the rest of my body. It was perfect.
Lisanda spiritlessly glanced at her feet. “I do, but I’ve never sung it, and I don’t think I would do well to try. The song has been known to make me cry. It’s too close to Jessend’s experience with her first betrothed. When I hear it, I always see her face in my mind, painfully weeping.”
“I’m sorry,” Kalli said. “We can sing something else.”
Lisanda waved her hand. “No please, I would like to hear it.” She smiled at me. “If Jek wouldn’t mind singing alone.”
I reached out to take her hand but stopped myself halfway toward it. My hand quickly retreated to my lap. The motion had looked awkward, creating an uncomfortable silence. I cleared my throat and stood, trying to ignore what had just happened.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I would be happy to sing.”
Kalli nodded with a wry smile, choosing not to comment on my awkward hand movement. Then her eyes seemed to find something over my shoulder. She squinted and a hand came up to point cautiously in a way that made it clear she didn’t know what she saw. “Something’s moving out there.”
Lisanda and I turned. It took some straining to see what Kalli was referring to, but soon my eyes detected movement between the trees. Too distant to see clearly enough, I couldn’t decipher what it was or even which direction it was going.
Kalli returned her lute to its case among the cluster of trees, then joined Lisanda and me on a log as we sat and watched, waiting to see if we could determine if it was man or beast. I could feel Kalli sharing my hope that it was Sannil, especially when she wrapped her arm around mine tensely.
The sun had begun to set behind the trees, and the grass ahead of us was covered in specks of light drowning in a sea of shadow. Eventually, it became clear we were watching the silhouette of a man on a horse, and he indeed was coming toward us.
Warmth slowly crept over my skin, and a smile broke through my tightened jaw. It was Sannil.
Kalli slipped her arm from mine and jumped to run toward him. Unsure exactly how it happened, Lisanda and I were standing with one arm around each other, mine around her shoulder and hers around my back. I leaned over to kiss her head, and she brought her other arm around to squeeze me as I pressed my lips down. We parted as smoothly as we’d come together and walked forward to meet Sannil and Kalli.
Coming closer, I realized he was on a different horse—wait, I recognized that strong, ageless horse. Where from?
Lisanda pointed at it. “It’s not the same horse.” She spoke with intrigue. “This one is magnificent, and why does it looks familiar?”
That made me even more curious. Why would Lisanda get the same familiar feeling as me? We’d been on only two horses together, the one I stole…and the other was—oh, that was it!
“Father, what are you doing with that horse?” I yelled from twenty yards out.
“Yes. How could you have brought it here?”
Sannil’s face held curiosity. “How do you know this horse?”
I ran to close the distance between us and embraced my father with a strong hug before delving into what I knew would be a revealing conversation, to say the least. Lisanda caught up while my father and I each waited for the other to begin.
“What a lovely horse,” Lisanda said, walking over to its head to pet it. “Are you the one Jek was riding when he took me from the palace?” She had a cute voice, as if speaking to a child. “Did you see him when he was behaving like a vile reprobate and reaching up my tarp?”
She kept her words quiet, so as not to disrupt any conversation the rest of us were having. But Sannil and I still were waiting for the other to start and used listening to Lisanda as a stalling method.
Lisanda looked around curiously when no one spoke. “What’s his name?”
Kalli leaned toward her in an obvious manner, whispering loudly so all of us could hear.
“Sannil told me his name is Bam, and neither Sannil nor Jek is supposed to know of this horse, yet both do.” Kalli’s gaze shifted toward us. She folded her arms judgingly. “I thought the Traydens didn’t keep secrets from each other.”
I turned toward Sannil. “I would’ve explained it back at the farm,” I said. “But it didn’t seem important at the time.”
I decided to leave out that Lisanda was bathing in the next room, able to overhear everything, and that was the main reason I’d left it out. But everything was bound to come out now, and I had no idea how she would react. My body stiffened.
Kalli shifted her stare to Father. “Why don’t you start?”
Tension in Sannil’s face was evident as he started a deep breath, but it slowly drained out of him when he let the air from his chest.
“I suppose I have a confession.” He looked toward us apologetically and then turned his glance to Lisanda. “There’s someone I know very well who works for Lisanda’s father. His name is Micah Vail.”
