Beulah nodded. “Plato’s right. It’s not your problem, Hank, and if anything happened to you . . .”
“What Beulah’s trying to say, if I may intrude here, is that we would be upset, Hank, very upset if . . . I mean, we appreciate your concern but . . . Hank, that dog is a killer. I know you’re a pretty skilled fighter, but this guy is a professional thug. Call it off, Hank. Go home. Save yourself for another day.”
Beulah nodded. “We’ll understand.”
I looked past them and saw . . . gulp . . . a huge Doberman pinscher coming up the hill. His little green eyes were sparkling and he wore a toothy smile.
“Sorry, but I started this thing and I’ve got to finish it.”
Plato shook his head and walked a few steps away. “I knew it. Beulah, I told you he wouldn’t listen to reason. Pride, that’s what it is, just stubborn pride.”
By that time I could hear Rufus’s footsteps. Boom, boom, boom. I looked into Beulah’s eyes. They were pleading and lovely and . . . and then Rufus stepped between us.
He pushed her out of the way. I swallowed down my fear and beamed him the sternest gaze I could come up with. “Rufus, I’ve already warned you about being rude to the ladies. I guess you didn’t listen.”
“Ha, ha, ha. I guess I didn’t, bozo, and so what? I don’t listen to you or anyone else.” He squared his shoulders. “Are you sure you want this? ’Cause I ain’t going to show any mercy.”
“Good. Neither am I. Let’s get started.”
Plato and Beulah gasped and turned away. Rufus lowered himself into a crouch and began circling me. What did I do? I engaged the Madame Moonshine Strategy, and you’re probably wondering what it was.
Heh, heh. It was very simple and very sneaky. Remember what she told me? “Attack the large with the small.” Remember her trained fleas? Before I left her cave, she loaded them on my back, with orders to attack the nearest warm object when I gave the command word—“Tallyho!”
And that’s just what I did. All at once my back came alive as two combat divisions of hungry fleas went on the attack. In a matter of seconds they had hopped to the ground and then onto Rufus.
He was still circling me, grinning, growling, sneering, glaring, and preparing to launch his first piledriver attack. Then, all at once, his eyes blanked out. He stopped, sat down, and began scratching his ear with a hind leg.
“Hey Rufus, what’s the deal? I thought this was a fight.”
“Shut up, moron, I’ve got to scratch. Don’t leave.” He scratched, stood up, and faced me again . . . then let out a squawl and started biting at a flea on his tail section. “I’ll be with you in just a . . . gadzooks, these fleas are killin’ me!”
“Hey Rufus, when you get tired of scratching fleas, let’s talk. See, I’m the the one who brought them, and I’m the only one who can call ’em off.”
He snarled at me. “Why you . . . EEEE-YOW!” All at once he was spinning in circles. This must have gone on for several minutes. Beulah and Plato turned around and began watching. And then laughing.
At last Rufus had had enough. He had chased his tail so long and hard that he was worn out. “Okay, okay. Call ’em off, I give.”
“Fleas, halt.” The instant the fleas stopped biting, Rufus bared his fangs and jumped me—which gave me a little preview of how the fight would have gone without the fleas. In two seconds, he had me laid out on the ground and was sitting on me.
“Okay, smart guy, now you’ll pay!”
I saw his lips rise and his shark jaws open wide.
“Fleas, tallyho! Tallyho, and don’t spare the horses!”
They must have stuck him pretty hard, because all at once he was rooting around in the dirt—chasing fleas and screaming for me to call them off.
I got up off the ground. “Fleas, halt!” They halted and Rufus stopped scratching. Panting for breath, he looked at me with weary eyes.
“Okay, cowdog, you win, but you had to cheat to do it.”
“Call it what you will, Rufus, but the result is that you’re going to be a better dog. See, I’m leaving the fleas with you. They’re going to be your conscience. They have been programmed and trained to attack at the first sign of rude behavior. What do you think of that?”
“Oh swell. I always wanted to be,” he curled his lip, “a good dog. What a drag.”
“You’ll get used to it, and when you do, the fleas will return to Madame Moonshine—who, by the way, was the brains behind this deal.”
“I never heard of her, but if I ever get my paws on her, I’ll . . .” The fleas stuck him. He gritted his teeth until they stopped biting. “I’ll tell her . . . thank you.”
“How sweet.”
“Yeah. My ma would be proud, even if I ain’t.” He heaved a sigh and started walking back to Billy’s house. “What a lousy punishment. I’ve got to be good for the rest of my life. I ain’t sure I can stand myself.”
When he was gone, I found myself looking into Beulah’s adoring gaze. “Oh Hank!” She flew into the middle of me and engulferated me with hugs and kisses. “You were so noble and heroic! How can we ever repay you?”
I was about to suggest that she could start by ditching her bird dog boyfriend, but he was right there in my face, pumping my arm and slapping me on the back.
“By golly, Hank, what a triumph! Using trained fleas. Now, that was clever. Who would have thought of that? Nice work, by golly, nice work.”
He shouldn’t have done all that pumping and slapping. It must have jiggled my innards and stirred things up in my . . . there was Beulah, standing next to me, with the light of love shining in her eyes, within my grisp and grasp, and all I could think about was . . .
Burp.
I looked into her lovely face and saw . . . MOPWATER. She had become a dirty mop and I couldn’t stand the sight of her, and fellers, I was so sick I had to get out of there!
And now you know why The Mopwater Files must remain Top Secret, and why I can never tell you this story. It’s just too sad and tragic.
Sorry. Case closed.
You can leave now. And don’t drink any mopwater. I was sick for three days.
How can that bird dog be so lucky?
Further Reading
Have you read all of Hank’s adventures?
1 The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
2 The Further Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
3 It’s a Dog’s Life
4 Murder in the Middle Pasture
5 Faded Love
6 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
7 The Curse of the Incredible Priceless Corncob
8 The Case of the One-Eyed Killer Stud Horse
9 The Case of the Halloween Ghost
10 Every Dog Has His Day
11 Lost in the Dark Unchanted Forest
12 The Case of the Fiddle-Playing Fox
13 The Wounded Buzzard on Christmas Eve
14 Hank the Cowdog and Monkey Business
15 The Case of the Missing Cat
16 Lost in the Blinded Blizzard
17 The Case of the Car-Barkaholic Dog
18 The Case of the Hooking Bull
19 The Case of the Midnight Rustler
20 The Phantom in the Mirror
21 The Case of the Vampire Cat
22 The Case of the Double Bumblebee Sting
23 Moonlight Madness
24 The Case of the Black-Hooded Hangmans
25 The Case of the Swirling Killer Tornado
26 The Case of the Kidnapped Collie
27 The Case of the Night-Stalking Bone Monster
28 The Mopwater Files
29 The Case of the Vampire Vacuum Sweeper
30 The Case of the Haystack Kitties
31 The Case of the Vanishing Fishhook
32 The Garbage Monster from Outer Space
33 The Case of the Measled Cowboy
34 Slim’s Good-bye
35 The Case of the Saddle House Robbery
36 The Case of the Raging Rottweiler
37 The Case of the Deadly Ha-Ha Game
38 The Fling
39 The Secret Laundry Monster Files
40 The Case of the Missing Bird Dog
41 The Case of the Shipwrecked Tree
42 The Case of the Burrowing Robot
43 The Case of the Twisted Kitty
44 The Dungeon of Doom
45 The Case of the Falling Sky
46 The Case of the Tricky Trap
47 The Case of the Tender Cheeping Chickies
48 The Case of the Monkey Burglar
49 The Case of the Booby-Trapped Pickup
50 The Case of the Most Ancient Bone
51 The Case of the Blazing Sky
52 The Quest for the Great White Quail
53 Drover’s Secret Life
54 The Case of the Dinosaur Birds
55 The Case of the Secret Weapon
56 The Case of the Coyote Invasion
57 The Disappearance of Drover
58 The Case of the Mysterious Voice
59 The Case of the Perfect Dog
60 The Big Question
61 The Case of the Prowling Bear
About the Author and Illustrator
John R. Erickson, a former cowboy, has written numerous books for both children and adults and is best known for his acclaimed Hank the Cowdog series. He lives and works on his ranch in Perryton, Texas, with his family.
Gerald L. Holmes has illustrated numerous cartoons and textbooks in addition to the Hank the Cowdog series. He lives in Perryton, Texas.
The Mopwater Files Page 7
