by Tara Brown
There was a reason but it’s gone the moment the music starts to fill. Before I can spend too much thought on any of it, I’m smiling and waving my arms in the air as I dance.
The feather in my pocket momentarily becomes a beacon of pain. It forces me to come back around to the realization of why I am here. I have to tell Ari what I saw tonight. I will have to break her heart and tell her about Lucas and Ben and the girl. The dead girl had been with Lucas.
I let the song take me and fill me with the solitary joy of my exquisite agony. Pain has become pleasure and pleasure has become necessary. I contemplate not telling her. Honestly, what pillar of virtue am I if I date one man and desire another?
But I know that in the end I have to tell her.
I dance until the song I love is over and then walk out of the club while the party is still totally jumping. Better to end the night on a high since it’s about to get very awkward.
“What did you do, Aimes? We would have shared, ya know.”
I glance back over my shoulder as I walk out onto the sidewalk. Lucas follows me into the crowd, giving me a deadly look. I snarl back at him, “I don’t like knowing your secrets, Luke. You’re putting me in an odd spot. I have to tell her that you were making out with some bimbo.”
“Huh?” He scowls back. “What odd spot?”
“With Ari. I’ll have to tell her about the girl. I can’t have a secret like that with her. If she finds out what you did and that I knew, she’ll hate us both.”
He laughs at me. “Dude, she already knows about the girl. She picked her out for me. We had a bet. I asked Ben to join me, not the other way around. Whatever. Anyway, who says it’s your business what I do?”
“What?”
“Stop being such a drag.” He shakes his head, nudging me when he catches up. “The humans are here for us. They’re fun. That’s all. Stop being so uptight. We do our job, Aimes. We kill the bad things. That’s all we are supposed to do. If we don’t get some down time, we will go all ‘Jack Nicholson’ from The Shining on everyone. Have some fun. You think Aleks isn’t out there having fun, right now?” He winks and is gone before I can comment.
Clutching my feather, it dawns on me then that he sounds an awful lot like someone we once murdered. In fact we all sound and act exactly like the fallen.
What the hell?
How is that possible?
I can’t help but wonder if he’s lost his mind or if Lillith has found a way to exploit what we are. Was that how the other fallen had become so corrupt? Had they lost themselves in the fun to be had on Earth and forgotten their mission to save it? My memories of the others are meager. My memories of before are sparse. My mind feels like it’s become a bit of a wind tunnel, losing everything that passes through instead of retaining memories. All but my memories of one person. He fills my mind constantly. The image of him haunts my every waking moment. I wish he were here now so I could ask him. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. He’d make me work for it. I liked that about him. The game was always afoot with him.
I need to focus on the questions I would ask him. I need to know why we are so spacey and lost and fogged in. I need to grip to the few moments of clarity I have.
I need to know if we could all end up corrupted like the other fallen.
Images of the dead girl’s lips upon mine flash in my eyes. Have I also joined the dark side? If I recall correctly from my previous existence, there was always a promise of cookies on the dark side. Apparently, they were lying about the cookies, because all I have is anxiety and a sour taste in my mouth.
Oh dear God.
I have murdered people. I have let the detachment of it all overwhelm me. I am lost in it.
I just killed an innocent and then went dancing, and I truly didn't feel bad about it until this second. I know it’s wrong but my heart isn’t attached to the feeling of committing a sin.
What if as angels we cannot commit sins? What if there is no possibility of us going to Heaven so earning our stripes like regular mortals isn’t an issue?
My heels click against the cold cement as I round the corner and head to the place I imagine he’s waiting for me. I need to know if he’s feeling lost too, right now while I remember I feel lost.
Aleks hates the clubs. He’s too old in his soul and doesn't get the whole loud music and grinding bodies thing. I know he’ll be at the house in the English countryside. He loves the peace of it all. It bothers me that I can’t remember the last time I saw him. I pocket my feather and round another corner so I can wink.
But as I get up the alleyway, I stop dead. I can sense something far more exciting than the English countryside. I love that I can still smell them. The others can’t. It’s a trait Dorian gave me that I have not lost. My wings twitch in my back, desperate to come out as my hands burn for the feeling of the feed. Also an old habit.
I cross the damp street to a red door with a window in it in the shape of a V. I cock an eyebrow at the bouncer with the barrel chest and folded arms. “Wow, subtle. Let me guess—V is for vessel because you are technically not a human?”
His scowl doesn't budge.
“V is for vacant because you have an empty fat head?”
His scowl grows more severe.
I smile. “I’m getting warmer, aren’t I?” I tap my fingertip against my upper lip. “V is for vacuous because you are a moron?”
He lunges at me. “Your kind isn’t welcome here.”
I smile sweetly, not moving from my spot, regardless of the fact his face is bearing down on mine. “That’s the fun thing about being my kind. I’m not welcome anywhere.”
He grabs at me but I spin with him in my hands and pull him through the door, pressing my lips to his. My wings burst, always at the wrong moment. If I were a teenaged boy, my wings would be my shiny new erection; the wind changes and I get hard.
The bar is packed but the music stops as I step over the dead bouncer and walk out onto the now still dance floor. They make room for me, no doubt frightened by the huge black wings sticking out of my back.
There are two kinds of angels in this world—the fallen who are fun to party with and always have a good time, and then there are the ones like me, who are less fun to party with. Unless you’re a human being we can corrupt and abuse, then we seem cool with it all.
One of the bigger guys comes at me, rushing me from across the dance floor. His face is twisted in rage, making everyone else in the bar nervous. I smile wide, readying myself for the release I so desperately need.
He grabs at me, trying to squeeze but my eyes draw him to me. I lower my lips as he spins me, as if we are dancing under the flashing lights. I suck his dirty and tainted soul within seconds, letting him drop to the ground as I spin and hold my hands out at the patrons of the fine establishment. “Who’s next?”
Half an hour later I walk out of the silent bar with the weight of the world gone from my shoulders. Blood drips from my fingers but the smile upon my lips makes all the bad feelings go away.
Chapter Two
True love
I wink into the doorway, stopping short when I see Giselle holding Shakespeare and rubbing his neck fur. She makes me nervous around animals. Her blood lust hasn't ever really left her. But she smiles, clearly clueless to the hesitant look on my face. “Hey! Where have you been?”
I shrug. “Killing shit.” Shakespeare meows at me. I wonder if she makes him nervous too. Blake comes strolling in, wearing one of his Darwin tee shirts. He plucks the cat from her thin arms and smells his neck fur. “I love how outdoor cats smell.”
His cat Chuck is still at his parents’ house, along with everything else. I know he sneaks over there to play on his computer. He hands me my cat and leans against the counter of Shane’s house—our house. “So I spoke to Lorelei this morning. She says Henry isn’t leaving the Garden of Eden any time soon so she can’t see him helping us with Lillith in any way.”
It feels weird to be talking about Lillith. “Great. Has an
yone had a slight glimpse of Lillith?”
He shakes his head. Lately he is the only one who cares that the world is slowly ending. “No, but the plague in Europe is the real deal. One of the predictions in Revelation.”
Him saying those very words brings a smile to my face. “Never imagined Darwin would be challenged on his evolutionary theory this late in the game, did you?”
“No.” He scoffs. “I never imagined even for a second that all the religious mumbo-jumbo was true. And yet, here we are, angels of doom.”
“Yeah, me either.”
Giselle shrugs. “I sort of always did. I mean there has to be a God. Evolution did not make this.” She holds her hands out, pointing at her body.
Blake nods. “She has a point.”
“You’re both morons.” I give her a weak attempt at a smile. “You seen Alise lately?”
She nods, twirling her hair. “Yup. We went to the show last time I saw her.”
“When was that?”
Her stunning face twists into a ‘thinking face’ but she just sits there, not finding whatever she is rifling her brain for. “I don't know. It was that movie where the aliens were the people and Tom Cruise was all hot.”
Blake winces. “That was last year and he’s in his fifties.”
Her jaw drops. “No way. He’s like thirty tops. He’s so hot.” She pauses. “Wait—what? It wasn't last year.” I can tell she still isn’t finding her memories. “I swear it was like a week ago.”
Blake pulls his cell phone out and shows her the release date and the picture Giselle posted on Instagram. It was the last one she posted. It truly was a year ago.
Giselle swallows hard. “How come I don't remember it being so far away? And why haven’t I posted anything else?”
“We’ve all been this way, forgetting things and people. Time is flying by. Africa is pretty well devoid of human life. Literally everything has been blown up. I didn't even know.” Blake licks his lips. “Everything is falling apart and I have a horrible feeling we are too. I went to see Lorelei about it all. That's how I know about the plague and shit.”
“Oh well. At least we can’t die.” Giselle shrugs and saunters off, pulling out her cell phone. I roll my eyes as she takes a selfie. She’s more upset she’s let her Instagram account lapse than anything else.
A frown builds on my face, matching Blake’s. “How long ago were we in the desert killing blood baggers?”
“As far as I can tell, we do it every night. I swear we just reset and start the same day over again. Wait—” He wrinkles his brow and closes his eyes, pressing them shut. I can see the wheels spinning in his head. “I saw Alise today. It’s been two years and three months since we became this.” He glances at his cell phone. His eyes widen. “It’s been five months since we talked about this last time.”
I lose it. “I don't think I can do this, Blake. I can’t let time fly by like this. It means nothing. All of it. I can’t focus my brain. My thoughts are scattered and my head is a mess. I can’t prioritize. I can’t do anything but kill. It’s like my body only remembers its Roses training as though it’s on autopilot, and I’m stuck doing that same mission every night. Why did she make us this way? We are useless. Not a single one of us has the strength to be like her and Dorian. We are all weak like the other fallen. I know that's why we aren’t even trying to help people. We’re just treating them like they’re lesser, the same way the fallen did.”
He folds his arms. “Aimes, we are way worse than the fallen. They at least had an evil plan. We don't ever see each other. No one remembers who they are or why they love the people they do. It’s all about instant gratification.” His eyes drift and I can see the bad news he wants to tell me drift across his face like clouds moving over the sky. “We are disloyal to each other.”
“Just say whatever it is you want to say.” I hate it when he hints at shit.
He bites his lip as he looks down at his cell phone. He taps and drags his fingers and then pockets the phone. Mine vibrates. I pull it out to find a picture sent from him, but when I lift my face he doesn't meet my questioning stare.
I wait for him to say something, but I know he wants me to see for myself. I wink to the yard of Aleks’ old English house. I don't know the last time I was here. I can’t recall.
But I can tell by the smoke coming from the chimney, he’s here. I walk across the yard to the house, not knocking. I open the door, smelling something freshly baked. It has a spicy smell to it, like cinnamon and nutmeg. It smells divine.
I walk past the kitchen and the living room. There is no one down on the main floor, but I can hear noises upstairs.
I turn and climb the stairs slowly, not sure I want to know what’s going on up there, but certain I can guess.
I don't recall the last time I saw him. We were eating, not out of need but out of the desire to eat food. It was a pasta place in Italy. It was summer. With every step I take a memory finds its way into my head.
There is a bad feeling in my gut when I tiptoe across the hallway. I could wink to every place in this house. I know it better than my own. But I don't. I walk like a regular girl, about to crash a party in her boyfriend’s bedroom. A party she was never invited to.
But is he my boyfriend?
I wouldn’t say he is. I couldn't say that. We don't live by the regular rules anymore.
My hand lifts to the door, shaking a bit. What I find inside of the room is insane. It isn’t what I think it will be. It’s so much worse and so is the emptiness in my chest when I see it.
It’s his smile—the one I always loved. The lopsided one that means he’s really happy. He laughs and tucks a lock of red hair behind her ear. She’s wearing his cream-colored sweater I adore.
He and Hanna have long fought the good fight of attraction toward one another and my instincts whisper that they have abandoned the efforts.
When his head turns, he doesn't even stop smiling. He’s happy to see me, but the smile on his face is the same one he gave Hanna. “Aimes! What’s going on?” His voice is cheerful and sweet.
There is not a single look of guilt on him, not one. It makes me wonder if I am imagining the whole thing or making it more than it is.
“We just baked a pumpkin loaf. There’s still some downstairs.” Hanna offers me the sweetest of smiles. “I can grab you some.”
I nod. I just want her to leave the room. She hops up, running across the room with her long, ruddy legs, winking as she hits the door, like she forgot she could do it at all. She has nothing but his sweater on.
He is in a tee shirt and jeans.
“What’s going on here?”
“Not much. How’s it going with you?”
“Why is she half naked?”
“She has a sweater on.” He shakes his head as he glances at the door. “Well, and we had sex.” He says it like I am an idiot.
I drop into the chair next to me. Why the fuck don't I care? Where is my heart? His magical eyes sparkle and taunt me with their beauty, but I don't see him the way I used to. Slowly, as we have become this, I have grown less attracted to his scent and smile and body. His voice no longer rings in my ears like a bell would. It is abundantly clear the effect his curse had on me, even when it was broken.
But I am devastated for Sam. “Where is Sam? Does he know?”
“Yeah, he was here earlier. He, Giselle, and Ari were headed to some hot springs.” He looks lost for a second. “I don't remember how long ago, maybe yesterday.”
I want to cover my eyes and scream. They have become sexed-up pervy angels. They have become exactly what we had been put here to stop.
“You okay?”
“No.” I sigh and look out the window, forcing myself to fight the desire to scream at him. “We are a mess.”
“Me and you?”
I nod. “And Hanna and Sam. And Lucas and Ari. And Blake and Alise. We are all a hot mess. What happened to the love we used to share? Was it love?” I doubt it ever was.
; His eyes darken, the way they always have when his mood shifts. “I thought when we became angels we all sort gave up what we were. I thought the whole point to being an angel was to avoid the human rules and traps. Live and love free. We had this conversation, remember?”
“Who said that? Who agreed we should act like a bunch of frat brothers?”
“What?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Who said we should forget why we are fighting?”
He pauses, suddenly smiling. “Why are we fighting?” He winks at me smoothly and it’s sort of creepy since it’s Aleks. He’s a giant Viking. He doesn't wink and schmooze. “I think we should just have fun, Aimee. Have fun and enjoy this. We’ll know when it’s time to fight Lillith. Why waste our energy until then? The world isn’t going anywhere. Relax and have some fun. Trust me, I’ve been alive hundreds of years. Very little has changed as far as people go.”
I want to smack him, hard, but what he says makes sense. This is her plan. She wants us to buy into the hippie mentality we all suddenly have. She’s cursed us or the Earth, or all angels.
Shit!
Is that even possible?
I need Lorelei. She’ll be able to tell. She might be the only one able to tell.
Aleks is still talking but I haven’t been listening. He’s staring out the window and smiling as he speaks of free love. I’m sure drugs are next on the list.
I almost contemplate taking a bit of video. When the curse is off of us, he’s going to want to see this liberal version of himself.
He’s going to die with embarrassment.
He actually needs a pipe, a beard, and a cardigan to really make it work. He looks back at me and grins. There, in the light of day, I see it. I don't love him. I don't think I ever have. Not the right way.
His curse and his immortality persuaded me. I offer a slight wave. “Tell Hanna I said bye!” I wink to Shane’s. He’s at the table reading a book. Where are Blake and Giselle? How long was I gone?
