We reached the front and the biker bouncer frowned at me. I waited for him to turn me away, the typical result of every attempt I’d ever made to enter any drinking establishment before tonight. I sucked in a mouthful of air and stared back. For a moment, we were two predatory animals, sizing each other up in the wild, deciding who was the alpha. Then he gave a slight nod, lifted the red rope barrier and ushered me and Tim inside.
“It’s a fiver,” he grunted. “Pay on the left.”
I let my breath out with a whoosh as we paid. A pretty Asian girl in the cloakroom stamped my hand, letting her fingers linger on mine for a beat too long. She smiled as I turned to move into the club. Tim gave me a nudge. “Looks like you’re going to be on it tonight mate!” I wasn’t really sure exactly what ‘on it’ meant, but I got the jist. “I hope so.”
As we opened the door into the main club, the bassline hit me like a punch to the stomach. Lasers shone a kaleidoscope of colours in a dozen directions. Ahead a walkway led to a sunken dance floor where a DJ stood in a suspended box, like a musical judge. Granite topped bars ran either side of us. On the far right, giant glass doors opened into a smoking area, where circular wooden tables glowed red underneath suspended electrical heaters. Tall umbrellas protected the huddled smokers from the elements.
The club was busy but not packed. Everywhere I looked girls were laughing and dancing. Their sequined dresses and bright jewellery winked in the lasers like shards of sunlight. In every direction I turned, people had smiles on their faces. Girls screamed as their friends arrived. Guys did manly hugs or hi-fived and navigated towards the bar.
So this is what I’ve been missing.
To me it seemed both incredible and ridiculous at the same time. Either way, I was going to embrace it tonight at the very least. I turned to Tim. “Bar?” “You read my mind.” The rest of the football lads trickled into the club. One by one they marched to the bar. Then the real drinking began.
I was introduced to the disastrous combination of Vodka and Red Bull, which hit my head like a brick. It was followed by more shots and beers.
I was just finishing my third and discussing with Tim why my History teacher got on my nerves, when a girl sidled up to me. Tim nodded behind me and I spun around, almost knocking my drink into her. It was Grace. She’d curled her hair; it hung in cute ringlets around her pretty, heart shaped face. She gave me a hug and a gloss-coated kiss on the cheek. “Alex, how are you babe?” she said in my ear. I nodded and yelled over the music. “Good thanks. Well a bit drunk actually.” She smiled. “I think that’s the idea!”
With a pink and white tipped finger, she pointed towards the dance floor. I turned to see her friends — the ones who’d giggled when she’d spoken to me for the first time. They were all grinding their bodies in time to the music and sneaking occasional glances in our direction. “Want to come dance with us?” she asked. I felt a sudden wave of panic. “I um…I’m not a very good dancer,” I confessed. “So?” she laughed, “It’s not a very good song. Come on!”
Before I could protest, she took my hand in hers and dragged me towards the dance floor. I shot Tim a pleading look. He gave an understanding nod and rounded up the others. Drinks in hand, they abandoned the bar like a flock of birds, heading to the dance floor. Grace led me to the middle and her friends closed in around us. My heart hammered at the thought of making an idiot of myself — that or the Red Bull. I couldn’t tell.
“Let’s see your stuff Alex,” she laughed, as she moved easily and fluidly to the deep thump of a Dubstep song. I tried to watch how other guys were doing it.
I shut my eyes and went for it.
Trying to feel the music, I waited until each drop of base. When it hit, I moved a body part in a particular direction. I kept my movements jerky at the start and then rolled them into a smoother action as the base lifted.
I opened my eyes. No one was laughing at me. In fact, I noticed that I was probably better than a lot of the other guys.
“Not bad,” Grace chuckled in my ear.
The two groups mixed together and we all made a large circle, moving to the music. And then something I didn’t expect at all happened.
Grace kissed me.
She grabbed my waist as I was dancing and pulled me towards her. Our lips connected and she raked her fingers through my hair. Her tongue pushed gently into my mouth and wrapped around mine. It was a strange sensation, but one I could happily get used to. Around me, I could hear the lads cheering. After a minute she pulled away and gave me a foxy smile.
“That was nice,” she whispered. Running a finger along my lip she nodded towards the bar. “I need a drink. I’ll be back in a minute okay?”
I stared dumbly at her.
“Okay,” she laughed and squeezed my waist. Then Grace and her entourage tottered off the dance floor, leaving me with my mouth open, having received my first real kiss. The lads slapped my back and Tim held out his drink. Coming around, I laughed and chinked my bottle with his, then carried on dancing. With Grace gone, other girls closed in. All of a sudden I was a trophy to be won at any cost. Girls I had never met passed me around like a toy, draping their feminine arms around my shoulders and pressing their made up faces against my cheeks, as the bright flashes of cameras made spots appear in my eyes.
Drunk. Very drunk. Head pounding.
When I shut my eyes everything spun around very fast. I’d been sick in the toilet three times. Grace had gone home after I’d made a special promise to text her. I was propped up against the bar, drinking water from a big glass. Tim was with me. I liked Tim. Tim was a good friend. He’d given me a cigarette, when I asked. Strange, I don’t normally smoke.
I gave Tim a hug to show him how much I liked him. He patted my back.
“I think it’s time you went home now mate. You need to sleep it off.”
What a silly thing to say! I’m having fun! Silly Tim.
I tried to tell him he was wrong, but my legs flopped and I fell over. My friend Tim caught me and propped me back up.
What a good friend! Tim is such a good friend! Maybe I should go home. “I’m hungry!” I announced. Tim nodded. “That’s cool, let’s grab your coat. We’ll go eat then find you a taxi.” “Chicken?” I asked, hoping for chicken. Tim laughed. “Yes Alex, we can get chicken. Let’s go.” “What about the people?” I asked thinking of the people. “It’s fine. I told them you’d be going home.”
“I like them. But — you — are — my — best — friend,” I said poking his chest, “I love you mate.” I hugged him again to show him that I loved him and he patted my back again. “That’s why I want you to stay,” I added. I stared at my watch, which was nice and chunky. The hands were blurry. I held it under Tim’s nose. “It’s half twelve Alex.” “Half twelve! See, I’m not letting you leave. No. You stay. Have fun. I’ll get a chicken after taxi. No wait…” “Honestly, I don’t mind-”
“No,” I interrupted. I will be fine Timothy Clement Matheson. That is a lot of M’s and T’s. I will get a chicken and taxi. I’m not ten, I’ll be fine.” I patted his chest and pointed over there. “Go, fun!”
He narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure you’ll go straight home after eating?”
I nodded, which made me feel sick. “Yes I am giving you my widest promise.”
I gave Tim one more hug and left him. I staggered through the door. I got my coat from the Asian coat lady who was pretty and smelled of soap. She gave me her number, even though I didn’t ask, which was friendly. It took me a long time to get my arms in the holes of my jacket. I kept hitting the wall.
I wandered up the street and saw people I wanted to talk to. They told me to go away because I was drunk. So I fell over.
I saw a place that sold kebabs. Lots of people were outside, eating food from paper bags.
“Chicken?” I asked a girl who looked as if a clown had put on her makeup. She stared at me blankly. I pointed towards the door and repeated the question louder.
“Yeah sure,” s
he shrugged.
I told her she looked as if a clown had put on her makeup. She slapped me. It didn’t hurt. I was strong now.
I bought chicken wings, which tasted nice. Then not so nice. I threw up against a post box. Afterwards, I staggered to an alleyway and gulped down two bottles of water whilst leaning against the wall. Shutting my eyes, I prayed for the drunkenness to go away.
It’s not fun anymore.
For a long while I stayed in that position. Gradually things began to grow clearer. Like an island appearing in the foggy sea, sobriety appeared on the horizon. I drained the remnants of my water into my parched mouth. “EDEN!” I opened my eyes and saw TJ blur into focus. He was blocking the entrance to the alleyway. Holding a wooden baseball bat. I snapped to attention in an instant. “I thought so!” he sneered and stalked into the opening. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“What do you want Thomas?” I asked, trying to remain calm, but already the familiar rage was rising, overtaking the surprise of seeing him. It boiled under the surface.
Not twice in one day…it’s too much. I’d only wanted to have fun with my new friends. This isn’t fair.
“Andrew told me what you did to Terry. How you’ve been boasting about it. You must hav’ got lucky.” He slapped the bat against his palm menacingly. “You ain’t gonna get lucky twice.”
I looked behind me. The alleyway ran behind the shops that lined the high street. The far wall was fronted by a dozen dustbins and broken wooden pallets. The top coated in razor wire.
A dead end. Nowhere to run.
I put up my hand trying to appease TJ, but he swatted it away.
“Listen,” I continued regardless “I don’t want to fight you. I don’t deserve any of this. Just leave me alone…” I paused, “…please.”
A jeering smirk slid across his sour face. “Haha look at you, you’re brickin’ it! It’s so pathetic! I’m going to enjoy breaking your ribs.” He stepped backwards and raised the bat over his shoulder like a baseball player. My drunkenness had vanished, replaced by keen alertness and the rage. It grew inside me like before, but fuelled by alcohol it felt darker. Primal. So much so, it frightened me. With Terry I’d known what was happening, but this time it felt like it was taking me over.
“Listen to me,” I warned, my voice shaking from the fury brimming just below the surface. “You have to leave now. I can’t control myself. You’re going to get really hurt!” Confusion clouded his face. This was not the pleading he’d clearly expected. “Control yourself? What are you going on about? God you're such a freak!”
The fury spewed to the surface like a raging volcano.
“I am not a freak!"
I shot out my fist as TJ swung the bat. The two collided and there was a tremendous crack as the wood splintered over my knuckles. The jagged pieces clattered to the floor. TJ cried out in shock and recoiled. I paced forward and exploded my fist again. It smashed against the side of his face. I felt his cheekbone shatter. He screamed and clutched his damaged face. But I wasn’t done. I grabbed his shirt and spun him around, shoving him further into the alleyway. He flew back at least six feet, sprawling over a dustbin and landing awkwardly on his back. He scrambled to his feet and tried to dart past me to escape, but he might as well have been crawling. I seized him by the neck and hurled him into the wall. His nose burst in an explosion of claret. He was sobbing now, the tears mixing with blood. He doubled over and raised his hands, begging for me to stop. It was no use, I couldn’t. All I could think about were all the times I’d been humiliated. All the times I’d been used as a punching bag by Terry and his gang — including this blubbering wretch. I drove a fist into his ribs. He spiralled to the floor and I started to kick him. He wailed in response. I kicked him again and again. His bones cracked from the hammering of my foot. I was screaming. A demented sound of fury and anguish, which filled my ears and drowned out his cries of mercy. I kicked him in the face, stomach, legs, back, anywhere I could connect. He had rolled into a ball and made thick distraught sounds with every impact. Again and again and again. Eventually, the fury started to drain away, like a receding wave. I stopped kicking and bent over, sucking in mouthfuls of air. Everything was silent. Only the dull thud of the nightclub could be heard in the distance.
The rage disappeared completely, retreating into whatever pit it had sprung from. Then I was left with the utter horror of what I had done. TJ was a crumpled mass, lying in a pool of his own blood. My eyes went wide with fear as I looked at his broken, abused body.
“Oh my god, what have I done?” I gasped and leaned over him, pressing my fingers against his neck. It was slick with blood. They kept slipping off the skin. Eventually I managed to keep them in position long enough to check for a pulse. I couldn’t find one. I withdrew my shaking, blood drenched hand and covered my mouth. “Oh no. Please no!”
I backed away from TJ’s body, stumbling over trash bags and fled from the backstreet. I almost collided with a couple who were kissing passionately and heading into the alleyway. I staggered past them and sped towards home, keeping my head down in someone recognised me. A few seconds later I heard the girl’s piercing scream.
I ran as fast and as hard as I could. My mind was blurry, my temples pounding. The voice in my head just kept repeating He’s dead! He’s dead! Oh god, I killed him! Tears flowed down my face, I could feel them edging down my cheeks, warm compared to the whipping wind that clawed my skin as I shot forwards.
When I reached the house, I raised a trembling hand to the lock and fell through the door. The house was quiet. My legs felt like jelly as I mounted the stairs. Why did I hit him so hard? Why didn’t I stop? I knew how strong I was. What did I think would have happened? Oh no, what have I done?
I kept waiting for the wail of police sirens. In my mind I saw dozens of squad cars weaving their way towards my house, blue lights blazing. I hesitated on the landing, not sure whether to go to my room or call Mikey and tell him what I’d done. I was so scared.
Sweat clung to my hand as I opened the door to my room.
The lights were out and the curtains drawn. The room was shrouded in darkness. I was completely blind, but I could sense something. My breath caught in my throat as I realised that someone was in the room with me.
“Who’s there?” I whispered into the abyss.
No answer.
My hand fumbled for the light switch. After a few seconds I found it and pressed. The result was blinding and it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. When they did I gasped. Sitting on my desk, arms folded, was Gabriella. “Hello Alexander,” she said. Her voice was eerily devoid of emotion. “Ella, what’s going on? How did you get in here?” “Not important,” she retorted. “Listen, something really bad has happened. I don’t know what you want, but I can’t handle this right now.” She slammed her hand down onto the desk, making me jump. “Why the hell do you think I’m here damn it?” she hissed through clenched teeth.
Vaulting off the desk, she marched towards me, finishing a few centimetres from where I stood. Sweet Ella was gone and the powerful force I’d witnessed on the football pitch was back. I recoiled instinctively, pressing my back against the wall.
“You stupid idiota!” she spat, her eyes brimming with fire. “You know how strong you are. Hell, you showed off to me about it. What were you thinking, beating TJ within an inch of his life?”
My jaw fell open. “H-how could you know about that, I literally just came from-”
“I know everything!” Gabriella blazed, cutting me off. She stormed over to the other side of the room and threw up her hands in exasperation. Turning back to me her tone was softer but still flecked with anger. “All I can say is you’re lucky he didn’t die.”
Her words sank in.
“He…he isn’t dead?”
Gabriella sighed. “No he isn’t dead, thank God. We got to him in time. If you’d killed him we’d have much bigger problems. As it stands, he’s going to be okay. Luckily, we managed to keep it contained
. Everything would be so much more difficult if we had unconnected police crawling around us.”
My eyes went wide and my throat dried up. “Keep it contained? We…unconnected? What are you talking about?”
Her eyes flashed up at mine. “Are you really that stupid? The car accident? Beating up Terry and now this? Aren’t you a little surprised there have been no repercussions to any of it?”
Finally it dawned on me. “Gabriella, are you a part of all of this?” I croaked. “Do you know what’s happening to me?”
She nodded, her face solemn. “Yes.”
The room started to spin. I couldn’t take any more. I felt like I was going to pass out. The words slipped out of my mouth, barely a whisper. “Gabriella… please…tell me what’s going on.” Concern flashed across her face and she sighed. “Ok, Alex. It’s time you knew everything. But, I’m not going to tell you…I’m going to show you.”
PART II
CHOSEN
10
What time is it?” Gabriella barked.
I looked at my watch. “It’s almost one,” I said quietly.
I was still pressed against the wall, beads of sweat trickling down my forehead. I couldn’t think straight. It felt as if the thread which held my world together was coming loose. “Good, there shouldn’t be any trains then.” “Trains?” I managed to ask. Gabriella shot me a glance which suggested I be quiet. Grabbing my arm, she pulled me into the bathroom and pointed to the sink. “Clean yourself up. You look a complete state,” she ordered.
I turned to the mirror and heaved. My mouth and chin was smeared with TJ’s blood. My knuckles were coated in it. I froze, staring at the fallout of my actions.
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