I wondered how this made Sky feel, since he and his father were on this same particular track of burned bridges. But then Sky had a habit of quoting Scripture at us about how we had to leave fathers and mothers to serve the Lord. And other than me, everyone in our group had left home and family behind—most without a backwards glance, or even a word that I knew of, although Sunshine told me in confidence later on that she had secretly called her mom shortly after our arrival in “The Promised Land” and assured her that she was safe. But naturally Sunshine didn’t reveal our whereabouts to her mother since that would’ve put everyone at risk.
On the same day as the funeral, strange as it may seem, Sky and Moonlight were wed as planned. Once again we met under the old oak tree, this time late in the afternoon. There, River, being the second-oldest brother, performed the sober ceremony of matrimony.
Sunshine and I both felt utterly exhausted after first “preparing” Gram’s body for burial, and then spending several hours scrubbing down her old room (the largest bedroom in the house and the one to be used by our current newlyweds). And as a result of these distracting demands this really did turn out to be a no-frills event. There were no special flowers or dresses or wedding cakes that day. And I’m fairly certain Moonlight never quite forgave us for this. But we figured she should’ve been pleased anyway—after all, she’d plucked herself the prize plum by managing to get hitched to our fearless leader. And we suspected the marriage, in and of itself, would elevate her position in our household considerably.
After Moonlight vacated her bedroom to take up residence with her new husband in Gram’s old room, River and Breeze moved back into the big house and confiscated Moonlight’s old room. And so we were just like one big happy family again.
Well, not exactly. I’m sure we were still slightly overwhelmed by the day’s events, and I think Sunshine and I were both a little stunned by the marriage. I can still remember that first night (after Sky and Moonlight had wed). It was hotter than a firecracker upstairs and Sunshine and I were completely worn-out as we lay upon our bed with the window thrown wide open but hardly a breeze to stir the humid air. As weary as we were, we weren’t too tired to speculate on which of us would be the next to marry. But perhaps the more disturbing question was which of us would remain the spinster of the household? After all, we both knew that only one available bachelor remained. And while we may have laughed and joked about the whole crazy situation, I know we both felt seriously worried that we would be the one that “no one wanted.”
And so I remember praying silently and fervently that night as I selfishly begged God to have mercy on me and to help me through this difficult trial (although I knew I might need to repent of my selfishness later on; Sky was continuously warning us that selfishness and jealousy were our worst enemies). And while I never specifically asked God to let me marry Stone, I know that’s exactly what I had in mind as I prayed so fervently.
Oh, it’s not that I loved Stone, mind you, I just didn’t think I could endure being the only one of our group who’d been, in essence, cast aside. Maybe it was because I already had such a rich history of having been cast aside—starting with a mama who (albeit innocently) had died and left me behind, and then a daddy who chose the bottle over me, a grandma who died, an aunt who shoved me off, and so on and so forth I just wasn’t sure I could endure one more major rejection.
Perhaps with all this in mind, I began to act in a somewhat flirtatious way with Stone (another thing I would likely need to repent of, but later, I hoped—after we were happily wed). And although I felt guilty, it seemed as if Stone enjoyed my attentions (not to mention my berry crisp and zucchini bread). However, I knew my brazen ways were creating an awful barrier between Sunshine and me. And for this I felt true regret—because, out of everyone there, she had been the closest and dearest friend to me.
After a week or so of this silliness, I finally gave up my selfish pursuits and privately confessed the whole thing to Sunshine, begging her to forgive me. And then she told me that she’d actually been trying to do the same thing when they’d been working together outside! (But to no avail, since she felt certain that Stone was already smitten with me.) So then and there, we both solemnly promised that no matter what happened, neither of us would marry and abandon the other. There would be no “lone single sister.” And so it was all settled. Or so we thought.
In late August, not long after my birthday (which, like all other holidays, went completely unnoticed, and I never mentioned it to anyone, except for Sunshine, and this only in passing to let her know I was now seventeen), Sky gathered us together to make another “important announcement.” Without first consulting either of the parties concerned, Sky informed us that God had shown him in a vision that Stone was to marry Sunshine.
During the following days, I totally buried myself in the kitchen. Fortunately, all that produce that Gram had promised was now coming on like clockwork, and I could easily spend up to twelve hours a day in the steaming kitchen, poring over old cookbooks and working over boiling vats to can and preserve our bounty. I tried to hide my pain and put on a brave face as I told Sunshine that I was happy for her, and that she was free from our silly vow. After all, I knew that above everything else, God’s will must be done. And in Sunshine’s defense, I don’t think she was all that pleased with her “arranged” marriage either. I know for a fact she didn’t love Stone. But then, as one of my favorite old radio songs by Tina Turner used to proclaim, “What’s love got to do with it?” Nothing, it seemed, at least not where God’s will was concerned.
“But if love has nothing to do with marriage,” I whispered to Sunshine one night just shortly before her wedding, “what’s the real purpose of marriage, anyway?”
She sighed loudly, then answered, carefully. “I asked Sky that same question, Rainbow. And he said that God’s sole purpose for marriage is procreation.”
“Procreation?” I let the strange word roll around my mind for a few seconds, deciding whether I wanted to reveal my ignorance once again or not. “Okay, what’s that mean?” I finally asked, throwing my pride to the wind.
She giggled. “It means having babies, silly.”
“Oh.” Well, I suppose that made sense. After all, both Breeze and Moonlight had rapidly swelling bellies (in fact, it seemed as if Moonlight was expanding in all directions!). And while this all fascinated me, a little, I had no desire whatsoever to become pregnant myself. In fact, the very idea of having a child of my own nearly scared me to death. And I even momentarily wondered if I shouldn’t be thankful and relieved that I wasn’t the one getting married after all. “Do you want to have a baby, Sunshine?”
After a long silent pause where I almost thought she’d fallen asleep, she answered. “No, not yet.”
“But what will you do?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been really praying about it, Rainbow, but I still don’t know what to do. Sky says it’s sinful to withhold our bodies from the Lord. He said that it’s God’s will for us to procreate, that this is how he’ll increase our population in ‘The Promised Land.’ But I’m still worried.”
“Have you talked to Stone about it?”
She laughed. “What good would that do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Rainbow.” Her voice grew hushed now, and I couldn’t tell if it was with warning or just plain fear. “You know that no one questions Sky’s authority here.”
An uneasy feeling swept over me, kind of like the way you feel when you get to school and realize that you forgot to study for a test that day, only this was more unsettling. Much more. Still, afraid to respond to Sunshine’s veiled confession, I said nothing. And that was the last time we talked about such things for quite a while. I sensed that she, or maybe I, had closed that door, and we were not to open it. But the next day, as I was canning freestone peaches, Stone slipped into the kitchen.
“Do you have a minute, Rainbow?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged without looking up as I slipped a freshly
peeled peach into a canning jar. “I guess so.”
“Rainbow?”
I sensed he wanted my full attention, and so I rinsed my hands in the sink, then turned to face him. “Yes?”
“This is hard to say, but I really thought that you were going to be the one for me.” He spoke quietly, glancing over my shoulder, out the window (I suspect keeping an eye out for Sky since this was not the kind of conversation our leader would appreciate or approve of).
“Oh, Stone,” I said, forcing a lighthearted laugh. “That’s awfully sweet of you, but I can see that God has other plans for you. And Sunshine is a truly wonderful person.”
His brow furrowed and he bit into his lower lip. I sensed he wanted to say something more, but I wanted the conversation to end right there. Finally he spoke. “Do you ever wonder if this could be wrong?”
I swallowed hard, then looked away from him, forcing my gaze down to my hands clasped tightly around a faded tea towel. How red and cracked they had become lately, a reward from my constant kitchen work.
Yes, I did wonder. But to admit such a thing would be considered pure heresy by our leader (something punishable, and punishment was becoming more common within our little society). And so I said nothing.
“Sorry,” he said, turning toward the back door. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
My heart pounded within my chest as I considered stopping him right then and there and telling him how I really felt. How I sometimes felt worried that Sky was just making it all up as he went… how I sometimes felt like a little child pretending to be grown-up, but all the while being treated like a child… how I felt concerned that we were all runaways, had performed illegal marriages and funerals, and had even taken over a dead woman’s farm. But how could I ever begin to express all those things? And if I did, wouldn’t it be sin? Wouldn’t it be a lack of faith? And what would happen when Sky found out? Surely I would be punished. And so I kept my mouth shut.
And I continued to keep my mouth shut as I watched the solemn marriage ceremony of Stone and Sunshine. From then on, I just worked in the kitchen and kept my mouth shut.
It was during this time that I first began to nurture some serious doubts. First off, I doubted myself. Next, I doubted Sky. And finally, I doubted God. And it was during the golden month of September that I actually considered leaving “The Promised Land” altogether. I think if ever there was a time when I could’ve willingly walked away, even though I felt circumstantially trapped, it was in September. But then something sneaked up from behind me, something that locked me in.
During those days following the September wedding, I kept mostly to myself. I worked alone, slept alone, prayed alone, cried alone. What else could I do? With everyone so neatly paired off, and me feeling like that proverbial old fifth wheel, what did they expect me to do? Whether in my bedroom or my kitchen, I did not wish to be disturbed, and I made it clear to any who came near me. Even when Breeze sweetly asked me to help her start making some baby clothes (although her baby wasn’t even due until December) I simply brushed her off, rudely telling her I had too much to do just then to think about babies! I knew I was pushing it when I started taking my meals by myself in the kitchen, separate from the group. I knew I was treading on thin ice. But I just didn’t care. I’m sure I was hoping it would simply break and let me fall, going down…down…down.
And yet, despite my silent rebellion, I remember feeling uneasy and even nervous when Sky came into my kitchen one evening after supper. I was at the sink scrubbing the scorched bottom of a saucepan with a vengeance when he tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped, nearly dropping the pan.
“Rainbow,” he said quietly. “I’ve asked Sunshine to clean up in here tonight. I want to talk to you in private.”
I blinked in surprise to see Sunshine standing in the doorway. I realized then that I hadn’t actually seen her, really seen her, for days, maybe weeks now, and as I looked at her standing there, her countenance dark and gray, she honestly seemed a mere shadow of her former self. She didn’t even smile at me. I didn’t know if it was because she felt guilty for abandoning me by marrying Stone, or maybe she was actually worried for me. At that moment, I don’t think I even really cared. I shrugged, then flipped my braid over my shoulder as I set down the stubborn pan. I slowly removed my apron and handed it to Sunshine. “Have fun.”
Sky opened the back door and led me out into the autumnal night. The air was just starting to get a slight chill to it, but the smell was still that of summer—the last tomatoes ripening on the vine, the heaped compost pile decomposing, remnants of overlooked fruit now lying rotten on the ground. We walked in silence and I could sense a seriousness in Sky’s step—nothing new, really. It was almost as if he wore his sobriety, his spirituality, over his shoulders like a thick, heavy cloak for all the world to see. But for once I didn’t quite care, and I realized as we walked that I wasn’t even scared.
For days, I had known that Sky would eventually call me aside to reprimand me for my willful and disrespectful ways. (I’d even stopped coming to Bible class of late.) He might demand that I show contrition by kneeling down before the group and begging their forgiveness and then waiting for my punishment (it might be extra chores or an extra hour of prayer or maybe even corporal punishment—we hadn’t actually seen that yet, but Sky had alluded that it could happen). But wouldn’t he be surprised when I refused to submit to his rules? How would he react when I told him that it was all over—that I was finished with the game? Would he even care? Or maybe I wouldn’t get the chance. Maybe he planned to publicly shun me now—to excommunicate me from the group. Perhaps he would send me from “The Promised Land,” out into “The Wilderness” to wander for, say, forty years? Well, maybe that would be just fine and dandy with me. Surely anything would be better than this.
“Rainbow, I don’t know how to say this,” he began.
Waiting in silence, I offered him no help. I said nothing. Felt nothing. Was nothing.
“This isn’t easy, but I need to tell you something.”
Again he paused, and now I grew slightly irritated. I drew in my breath and held it inside my chest, preparing myself for the worst he could give me. I would welcome his judgment, his stinging words, his chastisement, and even his exile.
Then he turned to face me and gently placed both hands on my shoulders. And suddenly I felt disoriented by this strange turn, and the breath I’d held in now escaped in a long, slow sigh—I was deflated.
“Rainbow, I need to ask you to forgive me.”
I shook my head in disbelief. I must’ve heard him wrong. I couldn’t ever remember having heard Sky ask anyone to forgive him. “Forgive you?” I repeated almost inaudibly.
He nodded, and in the faint light of a half-moon just cresting over the eastern hills, I could see a glistening on his face as a tear streaked down his cheek. Was Sky actually crying? “I have made a grievous mistake,” he said. “Rainbow, I—I—”
I clearly heard the break in his voice. “What?” I asked him as I strained my eyes in the semidarkness to better see his face, to study his expression. Was this for real? Was he really upset? Or was I simply imagining this whole thing?
He collapsed onto the bench, and holding his head in his hands he sobbed like a child. I sat down beside him and placed my hand on his back. “What is it, Sky? What’s wrong? Please tell me. I don’t understand.”
After a long moment, he sat up straight. Then taking both my hands into his, he looked directly at me and said, “Rainbow, you were the one I truly wanted to marry. You were the one that I loved. But you were so young. And Moonlight—she enticed me with her—her ways—and—and—” His head slumped down again.
My heart pounded against my chest and I could hear a high-pitched buzzing in my ears, getting louder. I felt sickened and confused and just slightly faint. I didn’t understand what he was saying, whether he meant it or not, or even if I’d heard him right.
He looked up. Placing his face close, just inches from mi
ne, he said, “Rainbow, I don’t know what to do now. I’m married. But you need to know that I love you. I have since the beginning.”
I just nodded, still too dumbfounded to speak.
“And every day I notice how you’re so beautiful and so truly spiritual, but each day you look sadder and sadder, and I don’t think I can bear it for another day. Can you ever forgive me?”
Still unsure as to whether I could form words, I simply nodded, a multitude of conflicting and indescribable emotions tumbling and whirling through me like a tornado.
Then I felt his hand cup my chin and he gently pulled my face to his, and I felt the warmth of his breath and the stiff prickle of his beard… and then he kissed me! Not a brotherly kiss, but fully on the mouth.
And perhaps most humiliating in this memory is that I kissed him back. Certainly I was tentative at first, but as he continued pressing his mouth against mine, I responded—eagerly and hungrily. I don’t know how long we kissed, but I do remember feeling dizzy and dazed when we finally stopped. And again I thought, I must be imagining this.
He then pulled me into his arms and held me tightly against him, stroking my hair as he spoke the kindest, most comforting and soothing words to me. He promised me that he would look out for me especially now. That I was to be set aside like his precious jewel, and that I would never be forced to marry anyone.
And somehow, despite my earlier resolve to walk away from that place, I now knew I wouldn’t. I simply couldn’t. That door was bolted for good.
More than anything, I wanted love, and I swallowed Sky’s words of love with a fierce hunger. I bit right into them—hook, line, and sinker—and he began to reel me in.
Nineteen
How is it possible to feel totally hopeless and worthless one moment and then higher than the sun and the moon in the next? When Sky finally opened up to me, revealing his humanity, his broken dreams, yes, even his sin, I fell in love with him like I’d never imagined possible. Of course he warned me our relationship was to remain strictly top secret. But he also told me that just because it was secret didn’t mean it was sinful. He said that sometimes God has reasons for making us keep secrets. The Bible is full of them, he said.
Looking for Cassandra Jane (The Second Chances Novels) Page 19
