by Karen Fenech
His heart raced. “I know all of the reasons you don’t want me in your life but don’t shut me out about this. Not about this. I can’t step back with you in danger. Don’t ask that of me, Faith. I would give you anything, but I can’t give you that.”
* * *
Somehow they’d moved closer together as they’d talked. He was standing over her now, so close she could smell his subtle aftershave. The pain on his face, in his body, gave way to another emotion. He reached down. He held her face gently between his big hands then bent his head, and eyes on hers, moved toward her.
She should stop him . . . stop him . . . stop him . . . the thought ran through her mind, but she didn’t stop him, didn’t move, and the instant his mouth touched hers, her heart responded and it was too late. She wound her arms around his waist and kissed him back.
Her response seemed to ignite him. His mouth became hard and hungry, slanting across hers. He kissed her as if he were starved for her. She felt the same. Too long deprived of him, her lips pressed to his and her tongue met his as he reacquainted himself with her mouth.
One of his hands left her cheek and wrapped around her waist. He pulled her in tighter but then eased. At once his hold became gentle, no doubt mindful of her injuries.
Need for him welled inside her. Need and longing. His tongue found hers, and she met him stroke for stroke. Eager, yearning, her fingers flexed on his biceps, clutching him. He was hard against her belly and the yearning inside her became a craving.
He went on kissing her, one continuous kiss that had her breathing his air and him breathing hers. He kissed her as if he would never stop. She didn’t want him to stop, wanted him to go on and on kissing her, holding her, making her his again.
But she wasn’t his. Had never been his. More accurately, he’d never been hers.
She tore her mouth from his. “I can’t. Ryan, I can’t.”
Ryan drew in a harsh breath. He raised his head. His eyes were dark and heavy-lidded with need. His arms, as hard as steel, tightened around her fractionally, as if he couldn’t bear to let her go, but he did.
He took a step back from her, so they were no longer touching. His body was rigid. His handsome face was taut with strain.
Faith’s own body felt as rigid as the wall at her back. She was breathing as if she’d run a marathon. Her heart was pounding. Worse, it felt as if it were breaking. If all they had between them was sex, how simple it would be.
Ryan stared down at her, his eyes dark with passion just an instant earlier, now dimmed.
He turned away from her and slowly made his way to the door. He opened it. Head bowed he stood there, gripping the door frame.
He looked as destroyed as she felt. Tears streamed down her face. She pressed her hand to her mouth to keep from calling him back. Her vision of him blurred and then he closed the door quietly behind himself and he was gone.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
One week had passed since Gaines’s escape. Most of Ryan’s people were pulling double shifts, pounding the pavement and running down false leads and sightings of Gaines from local citizens in an attempt to find the man, but it was as if Gaines had vanished into the ether.
Ryan had been working twenty-hour days hunting Gaines. Despite the grueling shifts and the intensive search that demanded his full focus, he thought of Faith. Of how good, how right it had felt when he’d kissed her. How it had sliced him in two to walk away from her.
He hadn’t seen Faith since, but he’d kept close tabs on her through her security detail and knew that she was safe, and that Colson had not approached her again.
Ryan had just come from running down a false sighting of Gaines. He rushed home for a quick shower and a change of clothing then raced to the courthouse for the proceedings to determine his joint custody of Jeremy.
The next moments would determine the course of his parenthood. His nerves hummed. Despite his flippant remark to Colson about Internal Affairs knowing where to find him, this afternoon in the courtroom, Ryan was anything but casual. So far he hadn’t heard from IA over what went down with Colson. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t be hearing from someone and a mark against him on the job could be a mark against him in his bid for joint custody. The possibility made Ryan’s gut twist.
He’d crossed a professional line when he’d gone after Colson. Ryan didn’t regret his actions. What he regretted were the repercussions his actions may have here in this courtroom. But he could not have acted differently. He didn’t know if Colson had been the one who’d assaulted Faith and without proof could not bring formal charges against the man. What he did know was that Colson was bullying her. There was no way in hell Ryan would stand by and do nothing.
Though Ryan hadn’t been approached yet by IA, that didn’t mean an investigation wasn’t underway and the court hadn’t caught wind of it. So here he was, waiting to hear if he’d again made a choice between the woman he loved and his son.
Ryan took his seat beside his attorney as the proceedings were called to order. He rose appropriately then sat again as the judge took his own seat.
Sweat broke out on Ryan’s brow. He shouldn’t be nervous. Barring an allegation of misconduct that may give the judge pause, he should have nothing to worry about. This should be a simple proceeding. There was no reason he should be denied joint custody. But he didn’t trust Tina not to throw something into the works at the last minute. Glancing over at her now, seated across the aisle at another table, whispering to her attorney, Ryan braced.
The judge removed wire rim glasses and gazed at Ryan then Tina in turn. “I’ve reviewed the petition for joint custody for the minor child Jeremy Crosby,” the judge said. “Effective immediately, the petition is granted.”
That was it. Ryan had been holding his breath and now released it. From the corner of his eye, Ryan saw Tina gesturing wildly to her lawyer who shook his head. The judge brought down his gavel then got to his feet and strode from the courtroom.
Ryan’s attorney, Tyler Cartwell, slapped Ryan on the back. “Congratulations!” Tyler smiled, showing deep dimples.
Ryan reached out to shake the hand Tyler extended. “Thank you, Tyler. I appreciate your help.”
Tyler nodded. His blue eyes twinkled. “Glad to be of help. We’ll convene when the judge rules on your divorce, but I don’t anticipate any hold ups with that either. What do you say? Wanna grab a beer and celebrate?”
Ryan grinned. “I’d really like to see my son.”
Tyler laughed. “Can’t argue with that.”
Ryan got to his feet and faced Tina. “I’ll be by to get Jeremy within the hour.”
Tina’s lips pursed and she gave Ryan a killing look. Her attorney, Henley Jarvis, responded for her. “He’ll be ready, Chief.”
* * *
Tina was standing at the door, arms crossed at her chest, when Ryan pulled into the driveway twenty minutes later. She gave him a sour look as Ryan crouched down in front of his son, asleep, in the infant carrier.
Ignoring her, Ryan gently kissed his child on the top of his head where hair the same light brown as Ryan’s own grew. He picked up the carrier and got to his feet.
Tina’s look was brittle. “He’s fine now. I expect you to make sure you get him back to me the same way.”
She looked the baby over as if she expected Ryan would damage him in some way. Ryan strained to hold on to his temper. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Don’t bring him back with a cold or other ailment. I don’t want to be up all night with a sick baby.”
Ryan sneered. “Careful, Tina. Your maternal instincts are showing.”
As he turned away from her, she said, “I’m going to need you to continue to pay the mortgage after we’re divorced.”
Ryan had agreed to go on making the payments for one year. He turned back to face her. “I’ll honor our agreement.”
“Jeremy is going to need a place to live for a lot longer than that. I won’t be able to make the payments here on my own even after my
maternity leave ends with what I make working at the dentist’s office.”
Ryan’s jaw clenched at her attempt to use Jeremy to gouge him. “I’ll make sure my son has a home.”
Tina’s cheeks reddened with unmistakable anger. “I just bet you will. You thinking you can move on with that lawyer? Think again.”
“Why do you care about that?”
Her eyes narrowed with hatred. “You cost me everything with this pregnancy. If I can’t move on, I’m going to make sure that you can’t either. I’m going to make sure you’re as stuck in this hell as I am.”
She stepped back into the house and slammed the door.
* * *
Two days later, Ryan stood at the balcony railing of his apartment, and brought the steaming mug of coffee he was holding to his lips. Despite the cold, he would have rather knocked back a beer. In the last days, he’d had enough coffee to last a lifetime. But as sleep deprived as he was with the manhunt for Gaines ongoing, he was sticking to coffee.
Out here, freezing their asses with him, were the men he considered his brothers, Mitch, Zach, Ben, and John. His brothers and their ladies were visiting for the weekend. They’d all arrived Friday evening and were taking tonight’s Sunday flight back home.
Though Ryan’s apartment was too small to accommodate everyone, they’d made do. He’d given his bedroom to the women and children, Ben and Caroline’s two toddlers and Mitch and Shelby’s daughter. He and the men had bunked on the couch and the living room floor.
Ryan had worked much of the weekend. The station had a small daycare facility that was open around the clock for parents who worked odd shifts but his family had kept Jeremy with them. It had done Ryan good knowing Jeremy was being loved by his aunts and uncles.
Absent from their group was Gage and his fiancee Mallory. Mallory had a near-death experience while investigating the human trafficking ring that had brought her and Gage together. She was struggling with that trauma.
Ryan turned away from the dirty alley below and the sound of cats scratching at the Dumpster. Mitch was calling Gage, and Ryan was anxious to hear word of how Gage and Mallory were. Because Ryan had been working, they’d put off calling Gage until they were all together to speak with him. Mitch put the phone on speaker.
“Hey,” Mitch said when Gage answered his cell phone. “We’re all here at Ryan’s.”
The men shouted a discordant “Hey” almost in unison.
That got a low, though half-hearted, chuckle from Gage. “Ryan, tell me congrats are in order on the custody win.”
“They are.”
“That’s great. No way the judge wouldn’t have seen through Tina’s bullshit. Sorry we couldn’t make it down. You know we love Jeremy. Want to see him.”
“No problem,” Ryan said. “He’ll be here when you can make it out or I’ll bring him to you and Mallory.” Ryan wasn’t sure how he would work out with Tina taking Jeremy out of state, but he’d find a way. “How are things with you? How’s Mal?”
There was a pause, then Gage said, “She’s quiet. She’s so quiet. She’s here in the house with me and it’s like I’m alone.” Gage paused. “She hardly sleeps, hardly eats.”
John was Mallory’s brother. His face became tormented at Gage’s description of his sister.
Mitch said, “As soon as you give us the word, we’ll all be down there. For whatever you need.”
“I know.” Gage released an audible breath. “Now’s not the time. She’s fragile. John knows I’ve been putting him off too.”
“Yeah,” John said quietly.
“I’m hoping her sessions with Shelby will help,” Gage went on. “They’ve got to help,” he said just above a whisper.
Shelby, Mitch’s wife, was a psychologist who specialized in counseling survivors of violence. Mitch had told Ryan that Shelby recently began long distance sessions with Mallory via video conferencing.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Mitch said. “Anything you need, you’ve got it.”
“Thanks, man. Thank you all. I’ve got to go. I haven’t checked on Mallory in a while. I want to go do that. Talk to you all soon.”
Gage ended the call and Mitch returned the phone to his belt. “I’m worried about Gage. This is eating him up.”
Ryan could relate to what Gage was feeling, seeing the woman he loved hurting and not being able to do a damn thing about it. They grew quiet after that, all hurting for Gage and Mallory.
The door was open a crack. Jeremy’s laugh rang out. Ryan glanced into his apartment. He hadn’t been able to finish painting and every light was on in an attempt to brighten the place. In the living room Mitch’s wife Shelby, John’s wife Eve, Ben’s wife Caroline, and Zach’s lady, Allison, were laughing and making baby noises over Jeremy in his carrier. Jeremy had been on the balcony with Ryan until Eve had come out and taken the baby inside so they could all fuss over him. Hearing his son laugh warmed Ryan in a way nothing else did.
It was a beautiful moment, a moment that would have been perfect if Faith were here too. He wanted her here. He wanted to wrap her in his love and the love of his family. He wanted her to know Jeremy and for Jeremy to know her. He wanted . . . he wanted her.
Again he thought that he hadn’t heard from her since he’d kissed her. No reason he should have. In her mind, nothing had changed for them. He still loved her. She still loved him. He still had a commitment that he would always have and that he’d left her for once already.
He forced away the thoughts of Faith that were tearing him up inside. Jeremy let out a wail. Ryan went to the balcony door. “He okay, Eve?”
“Hungry, I think,” Eve said. “I’ll heat a bottle.”
She got off the couch. Eve was immaculately dressed as always. Today, in a tailored skirt and a silk blouse in soft cream shades, she looked as perfect and as lovely as if she’d stepped off the page of a fashion magazine. The baby drooled a bit on her sleeve. Eve smiled and kissed him on the top of his head.
Ryan entered the living room. “That’s okay. I’ve got it.”
She shifted the child gently in her arms and made soft sounds to him. “I can feed him. I don’t mind.”
“I get so little chance to do anything for him. I want to do this.”
Ryan left his coffee mug on an end table then held his breath a bit as he reached for Jeremy. On Friday, after Ryan had taken Jeremy from Tina and Jeremy had found himself alone with Ryan, his son had cried as if Ryan were a stranger. But then that’s what he’d become. In the time Tina had kept them apart, Jeremy had all but forgotten his father. As Ryan held him now, Jeremy’s eyes overflowed with tears again and again.
“Looks like he’s forgotten me.” It was a sad truth.
Shelby had been seated beside Eve. She left the couch as well and moved to stand beside him. She had Sara in her arms. It was rare not to find Sara in Shelby’s arms. Shelby hugged him, careful not to crush their two children between their bodies but making sure they were all touching. Her brown hair swung, brushing his shoulder. Her wide expressive eyes held a wealth of emotion.
“He knows you love him,” she said softly, “and in time he’ll remember that he loves you too.”
If anyone would know about being separated from their child for long periods of time, it was Shelby. She had spent more time apart from her daughter in Sara’s young life than with her and had only recently been reunited with her child. “I needed to hear that.”
He wrapped an arm around Shelby, Sara, and Eve who was now stroking his arm, then left them and headed for the kitchen. The women hung back, giving him alone time with his son.
In the kitchen, Ryan filled a pot with water to heat on the stove and took a baby bottle from the fridge. Not long after, Ryan tested the temperature of the formula then placed the bottle to his son’s mouth. Jeremy snuffled then latched on. Ryan kissed his son’s head. “We’ll be all right, bud,” he said softly. “We’ll get it back.”
In time. That thought had Ryan glancing up at the kitchen wall clock
that the previous tenant had left behind. It was almost time for Ryan to take Jeremy back to Tina.
His temper sparked recalling his confrontation with her two days earlier. Tina would continue to use Jeremy to get to him. Ryan would not let her anger with him harm their child and was going to have to find some way to put a stop to it.
Jeremy fell asleep during the feeding. Ryan put him in the bedroom. He had no sooner closed the bedroom door behind himself when the door bell rang. His anger with Tina still too close to the surface, he jerked the door open. Faith stood in the corridor.
“One of the residents was leaving the building. I caught the door and came in. I should have buzzed you.” She glanced nervously back over her shoulder and gestured with her hand. “I should have called before coming over.”
“No!” The word burst from Ryan. “Of course not.”
She pushed a hand through her long hair. She wore it loose around her shoulders today and it fell back in thick glorious waves that Ryan itched to reach out and touch. But more than that, he recognized the gesture as one of tension. It was obvious she was nervous about being there. “Come in.”
Officer Street was shadowing Faith today. Ryan extended the invitation to Street as well but the man declined and took up a position in the hall.
Faith moved out from in front of Ryan where he blocked her view of anything but himself and focused inside his apartment. “You have company. I’m interrupting. I didn’t realize—”
Mitch came in from the balcony, followed by Zach, Ben, and John.
“We’re not company.” Mitch smiled. “We’re family. You’re not interrupting a thing.”
* * *
Faith had fallen in love with Ryan’s family the first time she’d met them but seeing them again now, after all that had gone down between her and Ryan, awkward didn’t begin to cover how she was feeling. Out of place. An intruder. Mitch spread his arms. It was impossible not to respond to Mitch’s warmth and welcome. Faith gave him a smile then went to him and returned his embrace.
