by E. L. Todd
“It’s not the same thing and you know it.” He held the suit by his side.
“To me, it is.” She poked him in the chest. “Now get in there and try it on.”
Axel sighed like he was about to argue.
“Axel, let me help you out,” Francesca said. “Just do what she says.”
Axel narrowed his eyes. “But—”
“You’ll live longer.” I nodded to the dressing room.
When Axel realized it was three against one, he headed to the dressing room, dragging his feet the entire way.
After the door was closed, Marie turned around and faced us. “I love him. I really do. But…I just hate him. You know what I mean?”
Francesca nodded. “Unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean.”
My eyes moved to her face, and I wondered what she was referring to.
***
“Hawke, come out.” Marie’s voice came through the door.
I buttoned the top of my jacket then stepped out. The suit fit me perfectly even though it wasn’t custom made like all the others I owned. It was a deep charcoal gray, and it matched my brooding nature.
I stood in front of the mirror and put my hands in my pockets. Marie and Axel stood beside each other and looked me up and down.
“I love it,” Marie said. “I think all the guys should wear it.”
“Yeah,” Axel said. “It really makes your butt look great.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Uh, thanks.” My eyes found Francesca in the reflection, and instead of checking out my ass, she was looking at my chest. Her eyes roamed over my body, and there was the same look of need I remembered from our past. When we made love, she would rub her hands up and down my chest, particularly over my heart. The touch wasn’t sexual, but spiritual. The look in her eyes made me yearn for a past I could never relive. Everything was so simple with her. It was the only time in my life I’d ever been happy.
Being this close to her made it more difficult to be without her. When we didn’t see each other or speak, it was much easier. But now that I was next to her, I couldn’t control the feelings constantly flushing through my heart. My soul was naturally in tune to hers. It resonated with a distant hum whenever hers was near.
I could never get away from it.
Francesca finally spoke. “I like it. I think it’ll look great on everyone.”
“Me too,” Marie said. “Well, that was easy.”
“I hope getting our bridesmaid dresses is just as easy,” Francesca said.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” Marie said with a laugh.
I headed back to the dressing room because I assumed we were finished.
Axel grabbed my arm before I walked inside. “So, do you do squats or what?”
“Sorry?” What the hell was he talking about?
“Your butt,” Axel said. “What do you do?”
Francesca pressed her lips tightly together like she was trying not to laugh.
Marie rolled her eyes and pulled Axel off of me. “Babe, your butt is just as nice. Leave him alone.”
“It is?” Axel asked. “I can’t see it.”
She patted his arm. “Trust me.”
Girl Talk
Francesca
Marie and I grabbed a drink after work.
“So, Axel dropped the argument about the white tux?”
She sipped her cosmo. “Eventually. I’m not even sure where he got the idea. The last time someone wore a white tux was in the eighties.”
“Axel has always been unusual…”
“I did a few things he liked and he hasn’t brought it up since.”
If she were dating any other guy, I would ask for details, but since it was my brother, I didn’t want to know. I’d throw up in my mouth then have to swallow it. “Hopefully he lets it go.”
“Those gray suits look so much better, and not just on Axel. Hawke looked amazing in it.”
Hawke looked amazing in everything—and nothing. “I couldn’t agree more.”
“I still can’t believe he bought that dress for me. He’s a superhero.”
“He’s a sweetheart.” Despite the cold and dark exterior he projected, he was the most compassionate person on the planet.
She stirred her drink before she took a sip. “You never told me why you broke up.”
Whenever I got this question, I sidestepped it. “Yes, I did. It just didn’t work out.”
“What kind of reason is that?” she asked. “I didn’t pester you about it when it happened because I knew you were out of your mind in agony. But you should be able to tell me now. Axel said Hawke won’t tell him either.”
I could never tell her the truth. “Marie, I would tell you in a heartbeat if I could. But I simply can’t.”
That caught her interest even more. “What does that mean?”
“Hawke had an issue but I’m not at liberty to discuss it.”
“An issue?” Her eyes were wide. “What kind of issue?”
I gave her a confrontational look. “I can’t tell you, Marie. It’s his business, and I won’t spill his secrets. I’m sorry.”
“So, you guys didn’t break up because you wanted to?”
I could tell her that much. “No.”
She sipped her drink again. “Well, why can’t you make it work now?”
“He still has the same issue.”
Marie wasn’t going to let this go. Her mind was working furiously behind her eyes. “What if—”
“Drop it. Hawke and I are never getting back together. End of story.”
“You guys are really just friends?”
“As good of friends as we can possibly be.” We would never be platonic. Anytime we were near each other, that old chemistry came to life. Our bodies naturally gravitated toward each other. It was out of our control.
Marie knew this argument was going nowhere. “So, you never finished telling me about the wedding.”
This was safe territory. “I’m pissed off at Kyle right now.”
“What did he do?” She rested her elbows on the table. The bar was loud with chattering voices, and I knew the men were eyeing her even if I couldn’t see them. The rock on her finger acted as a natural bug repellent.
“When we get to the wedding, his mom knows exactly who I am. She’s sweet and charming, and she’s so warm toward me.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Then I found out that Kyle has never brought a girl to any family function. I’m the first. So she thinks Kyle and I are going to get married and crap.” It was a nightmare.
Marie didn’t seem surprised at all. “Well, you’ve been with him for six months.”
“I haven’t been with him. We’ve been fooling around for six months.”
“Monogamously.”
“We’ve never been exclusive.”
“Well, I know you haven’t been with a single person besides him in that time frame.”
“Well, I’m sure he’s been with lots of people.” Kyle had a natural magnetism that pulled everyone in. Women constantly flirted with him at the bar, and I’d seen some make a pass at him at the gym.
“I highly doubt he’s been with anyone.”
“What?” I blurted automatically. “You don’t even know him.”
“I know he’s head-over-heels madly in love with you.”
My face fell, and the noise of the bar suddenly died out. Time slowed down as her words hit me somewhere deep inside. Marie kept a straight look on her face, not a hint of a smile in any of her features. “What?”
“Like you didn’t know, Frankie.”
“He’s not in love with me.” That couldn’t be possible. Kyle was always joking around. There wasn’t a serious bone in his body. There was no way he could have any deep feelings. We met in the men’s locker room for crying out loud.
“He is,” Marie said. “And you know he is.”
This couldn’t be true. “But he’s not.”
“Frankie, think about it. He’s
been stuck to your side for six months. You’re always telling me how he wants to spend more time with you. And then he takes you to meet his family. How blind are you?”
Memories flashed across my mind. I remembered every time he wanted to sleep over, and when I tried to kick him out, he refused to leave. I remembered every time he asked me to dinner but I rejected him. When he came by my apartment for pizza, he made a joke that I should be his wife…or was it a joke? And then I met his family, and it was clear Kyle told them everything about me.
Marie’s lips fell in a frown. “Sorry, girl.”
I rubbed my temple as the truth hit me hard in the skull.
“I thought you knew.”
“I wasn’t paying attention…” Now I was in some serious trouble.
“Why is this a bad thing?” Marie asked. “Kyle is sexy, rich, and he has a great personality. And the biggest feature of all, he totally adores you. He puts up with your bullshit when most men would throw in the towel. He’s a serious catch, Frankie.”
“I know he’s a catch.”
“Then take the relationship seriously.”
“But I can’t.” I couldn’t make eye contact with her anymore.
“Why not?” she demanded. “Give me one good reason.”
“I just don’t feel that way about him. Of course, I like him and enjoy spending time with him, but that’s it.”
“How is that possible?”
“It’s just is.”
Marie wasn’t buying it. “Don’t get mad at me, okay?”
I knew what was coming.
“Does this have anything to do with Hawke?”
I closed my eyes as the pain washed over me. It took me a few seconds to open them again. “No.”
Marie didn’t believe me, not even for a second. “You say you’re over him but you clearly aren’t.”
“I am over him.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s…complicated.” No one understood this except Hawke.
“Then explain it to me.”
I rubbed my temple again. “I’m over Hawke. It took me a really long time to finally move on and accept our relationship was really over. Marie, you were there.”
“Yes, I remember,” she said sadly.
“One day, I finally got out of bed on my own. I finally moved on and didn’t look back. Finally, I was in a good place.”
She hung on to every word.
“And I haven’t look back since. I’ve been with other guys, and I don’t think about him anymore. I’m happy…for the most part. But what I had with Hawke was…indescribable. Nothing will ever compare to what we had.”
“You were only together for three months…”
“That doesn’t matter. I know I sound crazy when I say this but…he’s my soul mate.”
Marie didn’t laugh or make a joke, but she didn’t seem convinced.
“I know you don’t believe me and that’s totally fine. But I know he was made for me, just like how I was made for him. Even now, there’s a distant humming in my ear whenever he’s near. There’s a gravitational pull between us that constantly binds us together. No matter where I go or who I sleep with, it’s there.”
Marie took a deep breath. “Frankie…”
“And because of that attachment, it’s hard for me to feel anything significant for someone else. Kyle is perfect in every way imaginable. If I’d met him first and never set eyes on Hawke, I’d be anxiously waiting for him to propose to me. But since I’ve already had my great love, I just can’t love someone else.”
Marie didn’t blink as she watched me. Her drink was untouched, and her fingers rested on the table. She didn’t even breathe. “If you feel like this…you really can’t work it out with Hawke?”
“No.” Nothing had changed. Just one look at Hawke told me everything was exactly the same. He still struggled with the same demons and he always would. He didn’t believe in himself.
“But why?”
“We broke up for a reason, and that reason still exists.”
“Well…” Marie tried to figure out a way around it. “If that reason was gone, whatever it was, would you be with him again?”
I’d fantasized about that possibility endless times. “No.”
Marie’s eyes darkened in surprise. “No?”
“I don’t trust him anymore. He left me without a backward glance. I gave him everything and he still turned his back on me. I told him we were soul mates and he agreed, but that still wasn’t enough reason for him to stay. I love him in a way no one else understands, but that isn’t enough. He hurt me irrevocably. There’s no guarantee he won’t do it again.”
She took several minutes to process everything I said. She eyed her glass but didn’t take a drink. The world seemed to fade around her, and all she could do was replay my words endlessly in her mind. “That’s so…intense.”
“That’s definitely a good way to describe it.”
“So…if that’s the case, why don’t you attempt to fall in love again?”
“I can’t.”
“Have you tried?”
“Well…no.”
“Maybe you should really try,” she whispered. “Because you can’t live the rest of your life like this. I want you to have what I have with Axel. You deserve to be happy.”
Marriage and kids was something I couldn’t picture—at least right now. “I think I just need more time before I’m in that place. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone that will change everything. I want a husband who eats my cookies all the time, and I want kids to bake with on Sundays. I really do want all of that. But it’s not so simple for me to find.”
“What if Hawke was out of the picture? You didn’t have to associate with him anymore?”
“I honestly don’t think that would change anything. I’m still over him, even when I see him. Of course, my soul aches for him but I’ve got my heart under control.”
“I don’t know what I would do if I wanted Axel but could never have him.”
“Don’t think about it. It’ll drive you crazy.”
“How about you tell Kyle all of this and give the relationship a chance?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not in that place and he already is. I’m not going to put him through that. The right thing to do is let him go.”
Marie’s face fell in sadness. “But he’s so good to you.”
Kyle was thoughtful and passionate, and he was also fun and warm. He’s affected my life so deeply without me even realizing it. He hid his feelings so well, but he didn’t hide them well enough. He wanted me to himself even if I didn’t feel the same way. He was selfless enough not to care. “But I’m not good to him.”
Heartbreak
Francesca
I was dreading this.
Breaks ups were easy. I said it was over and they accepted it without blinking an eye. Every other relationship I’ve had since Hawke had been meaningless flings, so the guys moved on without a backward glance.
But Kyle was different.
Through the course of our relationship, feelings had developed. That was my fault because I let it go on for so long. Six months was my longest fling, by far.
He came over after he finished his workout, and he walked in without knocking. “The hunkiest man in the world is here.” He kicked his shoes off then joined me on the couch. “Whatcha reading?”
“Home Living.” I found an interesting recipe for peanut butter cookies. I folded the corner down and tossed it aside for later.
Kyle put his arm over the back of the couch then kissed me. “Missed you today.”
I didn’t want to do this.
“I thought about your nice ass when I woke up this morning.” He winked. “I gave myself a treat.”
Why did he have to be so sexy and cute at the same time? “Kyle, there’s something we need to talk about.”
He rolled his head back with a sigh. “You’re so serious all the time. Just c
hill for once.”
“No, I need to say this.”
“Fine, you don’t have to come to the Hamptons again. I didn’t realize you hated my family so much…”
“It’s not that, Kyle. They were wonderful.”
“Then what’s your deal?”
“I’m trying to tell you but you keep interrupting me.” I gave him a pointed look.
“Sorry,” he said. “What’s up?”
Now that I had the floor, I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to say a single word. His blue eyes were hypnotic, and I didn’t want to see pain deep inside them. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and…I think we should end this arrangement.”
He didn’t react at all. He kept staring at me like he hadn’t heard a word I said.
“It’s just not working for me. But I think we should remain friends.”
Silence.
He was giving me nothing to work with. Was he mad? Upset? Did he not care at all?
“No.”
No, what? “Huh?”
“I don’t accept that.”
What did he just say? “Excuse me? You don’t accept that?”
“Exactly,” he said calmly. “I don’t accept that.”
My nostrils flared. “I’m sorry you don’t accept that, but it’s what’s going to happen. Deal with it.”
“Where the hell is this coming from, Frankie? Just two days ago we were fine.”
“I did some thinking.”
“And?” He raised an eyebrow. “You realized I’m an awesome guy who’s done nothing but made you laugh and come?”
My eyes narrowed on his face.
“I know you have commitment issues, but that’s not a sound reason. So, I don’t accept that.”
He was pushing me to the edge. “I can’t be with someone who’s in love with me. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that to you.”
Now he finally reacted. His calm composure disappeared, and panic moved into his eyes. “In love with you?” He forced a fake laugh that sounded nothing like himself. “Me? You think I’m in love with you?”
“Are you telling me you aren’t?”
“Of course not.” He laughed again and looked away. “That’s what this is all about? Then you have nothing to worry about, Frankie.”
I wasn’t as in tune with him as I was with Hawke, but I still knew him pretty well. “Kyle.” My voice took on a gentle tone, wanting to be sensitive to the topic. “For what it’s worth, you fooled me. Marie is the one who pointed it out.”
