by E. L. Todd
“I’ve been in a lot of pain lately…your presence heals it.”
I knew what he was talking about.
He rubbed his palms together slowly, like he was thinking through the next sentence in his mind. Then he rose to his feet. “I should go. I know you have work.”
Hawke’s departure was the best thing for me right now. I didn’t want to get attached and hope last night would lead to something more. We could never go down that road again, not because I thought Hawke would ever lay a hand on me, but because he would rip my heart out again sometime in the future. This painful distance was all we could handle.
And it was all we could ever handle.
***
My stomach burned from where he touched me.
I could still smell his scent on me.
It felt like a dream because it was so magical. I never wanted to wake up and let the vision slip into the recesses of my mind. But I knew I needed to let it go. If not, it would consume me.
I placed a new batch of cinnamon rolls in the glass counter and looked up to see a familiar face.
Kyle was standing there, a forced smile on his face.
I didn’t expect to see him again. “Hey.”
“Hi.” Instead of making a smartass comment, he looked awkward, like he wasn’t sure if his presence would piss me off or not.
I wiped my hands on my napkin then came around the counter. There was a crowd behind them as people waited in line to order. When I approached him, I saw the pain deep in his eyes. He was trying to hide it, but he was doing a miserable job. Without thinking twice about it, I hugged him.
He returned the embrace immediately, like it was the real reason he came all the way down there. He squeezed me to his chest and rested his chin on my head. “I’m sorry if this isn’t okay…”
“It is.” I pulled away then crossed my arms over my chest. The hug was purely friendly, and I didn’t want to lead him on.
“I just…wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m okay.” I knew I was taking the break up better than he was. Just last night, I slept with Hawke. My body wanted to break down because it felt so good. “You?”
He shrugged. “I’ve been better. Actually, I’m worse than I thought I would be. I’ve never done this before. You know, gone through a break up.”
My heart went out to him. “It sucks. I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you.”
“Yeah, I’m figuring that out.” He released a faint chuckle, and that former smile was reappearing. “What have you been doing?”
“Working and helping Marie plan the wedding.”
“Sounds like two full-time jobs.”
“More like three.”
He laughed again. When his eyes settled on me, the fondness shined from deep within. “Let’s get lunch. I miss you.”
I missed him too. I may not have fallen in love with him, but he became one of my closest friends. It was weird not seeing him anymore, not spending the night with him anymore. But I knew that had trouble written all over it. “I don’t think that’s a good idea…” I wasn’t risking my heart by spending time with him, but he was. And I couldn’t do that to him.
He sighed like he feared that might be my answer. “I get it.”
“But I’m glad you stopped by.”
“Yeah…it’s nice seeing you.” His smile dropped and the depression replaced it. “I guess I’ll see you around, Frankie.”
“Take care, Kyle.”
He gave a slight nod before he parted the crowd and walked out.
***
“I’ve got a problem with you.” I pointed my finger in Marie’s face the second I met her on the sidewalk.
“Me? What?” She projected that innocent-not-so-innocent look that I could see right through.
“You told Hawke about Kyle.” We were standing in front of The Plaza, and Axel and Hawke would join us in a second.
The blood left her face. “He told you?”
“Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he?”
“That little bitch.” She pressed her lips together in disapproval.
“He’s not a little bitch.” I waved my words away. “But that’s not the point. Why did you tell him?”
She threw her arms down like she’d been keeping something bottled up inside. “Frankie, who says stuff like that? ‘He’s my soul mate but we can never be together. I was with a perfect guy for six months but I couldn’t fall in love with him because I’ve already had my great love.’ I mean, are we in a Shakespeare play right now?” She put her hands on her hips and regarded me coldly. “Frankie, that was the most intense conversation I’ve ever had. I was pissed off that Hawke did this to you so I told him off.”
“I figured that out…”
“And I don’t regret it. He deserves to be put in his place once in a while.”
I crossed my arms over my chest.
“When did he tell you?”
“The other night.”
“What did you guys do?”
Should I tell her? “He spent the night.”
Her jaw unhinged and practically fell on the concrete. “Say what?”
“We didn’t sleep together,” I said quickly. “We just slept, if you catch my drift.”
“He went over there just to sleep with you?” she asked incredulously.
I knew we didn’t make sense to normal people. “Yeah, I knew he was outside my door—”
“What do you mean you knew? Didn’t he knock?”
That was another supernatural thing that made me sound crazy. “No, I just knew he was there. He came inside and we went to sleep. That’s it.”
“No kissy-kissy? No touchy-touchy?”
“We snuggled together.”
She shifted her weight and shook her head slightly. “You guys are the weirdest people in the world. Frankie, I don’t mean that in a joking way. I literally don’t get it.”
“I don’t blame you…”
“What does this mean? Are you guys getting back together?”
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I said with a sad tone. “We just wanted to be together, just for the night. It made us both feel better.”
She cocked her head to the side and opened her mouth like she was going to say something. “You know what? Never mind.”
It was a good thing this conversation was being dropped.
But Marie revisited it. “So, you’re not getting back together?”
“Ever.”
“Like, ever?”
“Ever.”
“I just don’t get it. How can two people who love each other so much not make it work?”
I wish I could give her the answer. Hawke didn’t trust himself and never would. When his temper flared, he was out of control. He didn’t think he could stop himself from becoming a monster, just like his father. I knew that would never happen, but Hawke refused to believe me. And even if he did, it wouldn’t matter now. He hurt me more than any punch he could land. He broke me into a million pieces, and those fragments were still scattered on the wind. He would never be able to find them all and piece them back together.
***
“Oh my god, I love it.” Marie spun in circles in the ballroom as she looked up at the crystal chandelier. “Isn’t it beautiful? Axel, don’t you just love it?”
Axel looked around the room, his hands in his pockets. “Sure.”
Marie stopped in her tracks. “What don’t you like about it?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”
“But you don’t sound like you like it.”
Hawke turned to me, a distant smile upturning the corner of his lip. “This could take awhile.”
“No kidding.” I stood beside him but kept my arms across my chest, making sure they didn’t reach for Hawke by their own discretion.
“Do you like it?”
“Like them fighting?” I asked.
A hearty chuckle came from deep in his throat. “No, do you like The Plaza?”
&
nbsp; “Oh. Yeah, it’s nice.”
Hawke picked up on my tone. “Not your thing?”
“I don’t like being inside. I’d rather be at the beach or a vineyard, something under the sky.”
He nodded. “That’s more you.”
“I’d love to get married on a hillside. You know, with daisies in the grass and a valley in the distance…” It’s always what I imagined.
Hawke turned away, his face a stoic mask.
When I pictured my future, I saw a husband. He didn’t have a face but he was there. I just hoped that dream came true someday. This infinite torture with Hawke would drive anyone insane.
“That sounds nice.”
I purposely turned my gaze to the piano in the corner. It was black, and the wood was sleek.
Marie and Axel were still arguing in the middle of the room.
“If you don’t like it, just tell me.” Marie put her hands on her hips.
“Baby, I said it was fine.”
“Well, I don’t want just fine. I want you to love it.”
Axel ran his fingers through his hair in irritation. “Honestly, I’m not going to love any place you pick. I don’t give a damn where we get married. All I care about is you showing up in a dress that makes your tits look incredible, alright?”
Hawke chuckled under his breath. “He’s smooth…”
I rolled my eyes. “And disgusting.”
“Come on,” he said quietly. “You don’t think they’re a little bit cute?”
“I don’t know…he’s my brother.”
“Even so.”
“You think they’re cute?” I asked incredulously. Cute wasn’t in Hawke’s vocabulary very often.
“I don’t think a lot of things are cute, but they’re one of the few.” He ran his hand down his chest to smooth out his tie. He was wearing his suit like he just got off work before we met there. At six three, he was already a powerhouse, but when he rocked his Hugo Boss suits, he looked even more impressive.
No matter how much time had passed, my knees would always feel weak around him. When I first saw him, all I felt was a physical attraction. He was gorgeous and any girl would agree with me. But when I got to know him, I saw so much more beneath that muscled exterior. And I think that’s why he was even more beautiful. “Where are you going for the bachelor party?”
“The Rainbow Room.”
“In the city?” I figured they would go to Vegas or do something cliché.
“Axel doesn’t want to do anything crazy. I figured a night of drinking and gambling in an upscale place would be fine.”
“No strippers?” Axel was definitely a stripper kind of guy.
“He said he didn’t want any.”
“Wow…” He really is a new man.
Hawke chuckled. “He’s over the moon for Marie. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”
“No, definitely not.”
“What are you guys doing?”
“Uh…going to Chippendales.”
“What’s that?”
“The male strip show…”
Hawke tried not to laugh. “Well, I guess Marie isn’t as hung up on Axel as he is on her.”
“It’s not the same thing. Honestly, when those guys are rocking their G-strings, it’s funny rather than sexy.”
“If I rocked a G-string, it wouldn’t be funny at all.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “No, it wouldn’t.”
Hawke eyed his watch then returned his hand to his pocket. “The other night was nice…”
We hadn’t talked about it since he left. “Yeah…”
“I haven’t slept that well in years.”
“Neither have I.”
Hawke moved closer to me, his gaze still set on Axel and Marie. When he was right next to me, his fingers brushed against mine. His knuckles were calloused and dry, like he punched dry wall on a regular basis.
The touch was so innocent, but it sent chills down my spine. My entire body flushed with heat, and my throat went dry. My tongue felt too big for my mouth, and my lungs automatically contracted to release a shaky breath. Just the simple touch floored me, like a branch soaked in kerosene along with a lit match.
When I turned my face toward him, his gaze was on me. He watched me intently, searching for something in my eyes. His look massaged me everywhere, penetrating my darkest crevasses.
He came closer to me, breaking through my shield. I could hear his breaths, and within a moment, I could smell the distant hint of mint. His cologne washed over me, and I was reminded of our night together, cuddling in each other’s arms. My fingers suddenly burned from being so close to the fire raging in his soul.
I wanted to break the connection because it was so strong. My body couldn’t handle the proximity, the intimacy. But I didn’t step back or turn away. I held my ground because I wanted it. I wanted something I could never have, and Hawke felt the same way. We would rather be tortured by each other’s presence than feel the cold of each other’s absence.
He finally pulled his fingers away from mine, taking the heat with him. Then he leaned away, like he didn’t trust himself that close to my lips. He cleared his throat and looked away.
Marie and Axel returned to us. “This is the place.” She clapped her hands and hopped up and down.
I missed their entire argument because I was so absorbed in Hawke. “Great.” I had to force my enthusiasm because I was in such a different place.
“Awesome,” Hawke said. “It’s a beautiful place.”
Axel didn’t give a damn about the venue, but when he watched Marie hop up and down in excitement, he smiled. He wasn’t the selfish man I used to know. Now, he lived his life for a single person.
And it showed.
***
We went to my apartment and watched the game. I whipped up some finger food and set them on platters on my coffee table. Fortunately, I had a case of beer in the fridge. It actually belonged to Kyle, but I knew he wasn’t going to need it.
Axel had his arm around Marie while he held a beer on his thigh.
I sat on the couch with Hawke, but there was at least three feet in between us. Just the other night, he slept over, but it didn’t seem like it ever happened.
“Dude, Manning better make this.” Axel didn’t blink as he watched the TV. “If he doesn’t, I’m never buying a Papa Murphy’s pizza again.”
“You never eat it anyway,” Marie said with an irritated look.
“True,” Hawke said. “We always go to Luigi’s.”
“That’s not the point,” Axel said. “It’s just the principle of the matter.”
“To say you aren’t going to do something that you weren’t going to do anyway?” Marie grabbed his beer and took a long drink. “Talk about making a difference…”
Axel watched her seal her mouth around the head of the bottle. “You’re going to be sucking something else later…”
I tried not to gag.
And to my horror, Marie smiled when she pulled the bottle away. “You’re letting me get married at The Plaza. It’s the least I can do.”
“Whatever,” Axel said. “Don’t act like you don’t love it.”
“Okay…” My stomach just did a tumble. “I know you guys are in love and everything but enough.”
“Sorry.” Marie crossed her arms over her chest. “Sometimes I forget you guys are siblings.”
“Because I’m unbelievably sexy and she’s plain?” Axel asked.
“The other way around, actually,” Marie teased.
Axel smiled then gave her a quick tickle. “You’re going to get spanked for that.”
“Ooh…” Marie curled into his side.
I turned to Hawke. “Got any Pepto-Bismol?”
He chuckled under his breath. “I wish.”
Axel grabbed two egg rolls I made from scratch and shoved them into his mouth. “Damn, these are good.” His mouth was so stuffed his words were incoherent.
Since I grew up with him, I
could decipher his code. “Thank you.”
“Marie’s cooking is better though.” After he chewed the hunk of food in his mouth, he swallowed.
I knew that wasn’t true, no offense to Marie. And she knew it too. But the fact Axel said it was still sweet. “You’re right.”
We continued to watch the game, and when it was over, I was restless for them to leave. Sitting close to Hawke made me hot under the collar. The way our hands touched earlier made my heart beat at an unhealthy pace. It was impossible to be so near each other and not be aware of every movement and every breath. I was struggling to remain in control. I desperately wanted him to touch me, to hold me. The need was inexplicable.
Finally, Axel stood up. “Baby, ready to go?”
“Yeah, I’m tired.” Marie joined his side. “We had a long day.”
“But at least we know where we’re getting married.” His arm moved around her waist. “That’s a good step.”
“Very,” Marie agreed. “We’ll see you guys later.” She discreetly glanced at Hawke, silently telling me she knew something was going on but she wouldn’t call me out on it—at least in the presence of Axel and Hawke.
“Good night.” I wondered if Hawke would leave with them, but he remained in his seat.
“Basketball tomorrow?” Hawke asked.
Axel turned to Marie. “Is it cool if I play ball after work?”
Hawke turned to me and fought an oncoming grin. “Fucking pussy…”
Axel snapped his head in our direction. “What did you say?”
“Nothing.” Hawke kept an unreadable expression.
Now I was trying not to laugh.
“Axel, you don’t have to ask me if you can play ball,” Marie said.
“I know,” Axel said. “I just didn’t know if we had dinner plans or something.”
“We don’t,” Marie said. “So, he’ll see you tomorrow, Hawke.”
Hawke nodded. “Cool.”
Marie and Axel walked out hand-in-hand.
The second the door was closed, the air filled with static. It rang in my eardrums and caused the sound of the TV to fade to the background. My palms were suddenly seared with heat. They burned even though there were no flames.
Hawke’s body tensed slightly underneath his suit. The tension rose, and the supernatural connection between us formed. I could feel his heartbeat without touching him. I could smell the sweat that started to form on his chest.
