by E. L. Todd
“You’re speaking for her, but you have no idea what she’ll say.”
“I do know what she’ll say.”
Axel shook his head slightly. “You weren’t there, Hawke. You didn’t see how bad she was.”
I dropped my gaze because the pain burned a hole in my skin. I couldn’t meet his stare because I didn’t deserve to. “I know I hurt her. I had my reasons.”
“Which you still won’t admit.”
“Believe me, I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“And what’s different now?”
I couldn’t answer that without giving anything away. “Everything.”
He sighed and rested his elbows on the table.
“Axel, come on.”
The pissed look was still in his eyes. “Look, if she does take you back, I’ll support her decision. But I really, really hope she doesn’t. While I love you like a brother, I don’t think it’s right that you can drop her then pick her up again whenever you feel like. My sister deserves better than that.”
I couldn’t agree more.
“So, good luck. But I hope you crash and burn.”
Confessions
Francesca
“Getting nervous?” The wedding was only two months away. Maybe that seemed like a long time, but in reality it wasn’t.
Marie sat beside me on the couch. Magazines covered my coffee table, and we were marking them up like a white board. She still hadn’t picked the flowers for the wedding, and we were trying to find the perfect centerpieces. Fortunately, everything else had been taken care of. This was the last thing remaining. “Why would I be nervous?”
I tilted my head and gave her a fiery look.
She turned away with guilt in her eyes.
“I know Axel is my brother but you can tell me these things. I won’t think less of you. Remember, I like you more than him.”
Marie chuckled. “Yeah, that’s true.”
“So, spill it.”
“I guess I’m a little nervous…” She closed the magazine and bent it in her hands.
“What about, exactly?”
“I don’t know… Sometimes, I wonder if this is the real him, you know? What if he goes back to his old ways when he gets bored with me?”
“That’s never going to happen, Marie. Believe me, a man in love never gets bored.”
“I hope you’re right.”
I rested my hand on her wrist. “I am.”
“It seems like he genuinely loves me—”
“Seems like it?” I asked with a laugh. “That guy is a dog and you’re his bone. Even when he doesn’t want to play with you, he doesn’t want anyone else to play with you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“I know…but I remember the way he hurt me.”
“It’s in the past.”
“I don’t usually think about it, but now that I’m marrying him, it comes into my mind every now and then.” She kept bending the magazine. “Will he be a good father? Will he cheat on me someday? Will he leave me for someone else right under my nose?”
“Yes, no, and no.”
“How can you be sure?”
I released a deep sigh. “You can’t be sure, actually. No one is ever sure. But Axel is as close to a guarantee as you’re going to get. Every time you feel insecure, just remember who Axel is. He’s sweet, caring, and very loyal. Even if he didn’t feel the same way anymore, he wouldn’t have an affair. That’s just not him.”
“You’re right…”
“Do you feel better now?”
She stopped bending the magazine and released a deep breath. “Yeah, I think so. Maid of honor to the rescue.”
I flexed my bicep. “With super strength and super cooking abilities.”
“What a fattening superpower.”
I laughed then opened another magazine.
“So…anything happen with Hawke?” She turned the pages and kept her eyes down. She tried to act like she wasn’t interested, but her tone of voice gave her away.
“I spent the night a few days ago.”
“What?” She dropped the magazine on the floor.
“I didn’t sleep with him.” I had to make that clear. I didn’t want anyone to think I was his fuck buddy.
“But you slept with him? How many times has it been now? Three?”
“Something like that…”
“And you think this is normal?”
“No…we’ll stop.”
Marie gave me a look that said she didn’t believe that.
“We just got carried away. Sometimes, it’s hard to resist each other. But I’m going to put an end to it. It makes me feel so good at the time, but I feel like shit afterward. I want him even more, but I can never have him.”
“You guys are twisted,” she said. “Do you at least kiss?”
“No.”
She looked like an owl because her eyes were so big. “That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“You can be intimate without sex.”
“But…I guess I just don’t get it.”
Nobody does.
Marie grabbed the magazine from the floor. “Anyway…the hydrangeas look nice. Maybe some white ones would look good.”
“Yeah.” I eyed the picture in her hand but kept thinking about Hawke.
Just then, a knock sounded on my door.
Marie immediately stiffened. “Gee, I wonder who that could be.”
“It’s probably Axel looking for you.”
“I highly doubt it.”
I left the couch and slowly walked to the entryway. I had a strong suspicion it was Hawke, but I wanted to be wrong. We’d been spending way too much time together, and we weren’t doing activities that were considered friendly. There was nothing physical involved but we definitely weren’t innocent.
I didn’t bother checking the peephole before I opened the door.
And, sure enough, it was him.
He wasn’t wearing a suit like he usual. He wore dark jeans and a gray t-shirt. Somehow, his shoulders and chest were more pronounced in the casual attire. His jeans hung low on his hips, and he was desirable in every way imaginable. But I pushed the thought away because it wasn’t safe to think that way.
“Hi.” His hands were by his sides, and his arms looked enormous in the short-sleeved shirt he wore.
“Hi.” Our greetings were always a little strained. It didn’t seem like we knew exactly what to do when we saw each other. But after a few minutes, you couldn’t keep us apart.
“How are you?”
“Good. You?”
He didn’t cross the threshold. “Okay.” He moved his hands to his pockets as he blocked my doorway.
Now what? I would ask what he wanted but I had a feeling I already knew.
“I was hoping we could talk. Are you free right now?”
I glanced over my shoulder. “Actually, Marie—”
“Was just leaving.” She appeared by my side with her magazines shoved into her bag. “I need to make dinner. Axel gets cranky when a hot meal isn’t on the table.” She walked past me. “Hi, Hawke.” Then she disappeared down the hallway.
Hawke kept his eyes on me.
“Well, I guess I’m free now. Want to come in?”
“Actually, have you eaten?”
“No.”
“Want to grab a bite?”
Spending time with him wasn’t a good idea. We’d already seen each other enough. This wasn’t good for either of us, but I would tell him that after dinner. I felt rude dropping it on him now.
***
We grabbed pretzels from a stand in Central Park then walked down the path. It wasn’t the kind of dinner I expected, but when Hawke suggested it, I loved the idea.
“So much for being a health freak,” I said as I finished my pretzel. “There are a hundred places you could have picked that would be better for you.”
He’d already finished his a few minutes earlier. “Eh. Live a little, you know?”
Hawke continued to walk beside me, and it didn’t seem like he had any intention of saying whatever he wanted to say. Maybe he was going to say the same thing I was thinking. Since we were so alike, that was probably the case. And that gave me relief. Hawke and I started down a road that we could never tread. While it was unfair to both of us, that was the truth. We had to cut each other off before we made a mistake. Once this wedding was over, we could avoid each other a lot more easily.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
He eyed a bench on our left then took a seat.
I did the same even though I preferred to walk. Anytime we were sitting near each other, I somehow ended up on his lap.
He rested his forearms on his thighs as he looked across the path. It didn’t seem like he was going to say anything at all, or he was thinking of the right words to use.
I patiently waited, knowing Hawke wasn’t the type of person to be rushed.
He finally turned to me, a different look in his eye. “I messed up—really bad. When I think about what I did two years ago, I hate myself. I grabbed you and threw you like a stuffed doll… Thank god you weren’t hurt.”
Why was he bringing this up after all this time? “Hawke, it was an accident. You didn’t even know it was me. Cut yourself some slack. No one thinks less of you for what happened that night.”
“I do.”
“Well, let it go.”
“And I’m sorry for leaving. I thought I was doing the right thing and…now I realize I was completely wrong.”
I no longer noticed the cold air or the way it felt against my bare skin. My lungs stopped working and remained static. Even if I wanted to move, I couldn’t.
“Since the engagement party, I’ve gone back and forth about us. There are days when I think it could work. But then there are nights when I remember what kind of monster I am.”
I still didn’t breathe.
“But I’m absolutely miserable without you. The past two years have been a dense fog. I can’t remember most of it. All I know is, I thought about you every single day since we’ve been apart. My feelings have never changed—not once. And now that we’re together again, my heart is finally starting to beat. My body is thawing. Hope is writhing inside me. I’m tired of keeping you at a distance. I’m tired of aching for you. I’m tired…of being without you.”
I need to breathe.
“I worked it out in my head and…I think I can make this work. I think I can be the man you need. If I ever lose my temper or get out of control, I’ll just leave. I’ll never hurt you, Francesca. I know I’m like my father but…I’m not him.”
My lungs finally caved in and took a deep breath of air. I heard the words he spoke but I couldn’t believe them. Every day since he left me, I waited for that speech. Every day, I hoped he would realize his worth and come back to me.
And now he had.
He watched my reaction, seeing the coat of moisture on the surface of my eyes. “Muffin, be mine.”
My immediate response was yes.
Yes.
The other half of my soul was sitting beside me, and he no longer wanted to keep his distance. It was all I’d ever wanted. I pictured myself walking down the aisle toward him. I imagined our son looking just like him. I saw all of it in the blink of an eye.
He scooted closer to me on the bench, his hands reaching for mine.
But I pulled them away.
Hawke froze and stared at me.
“I…” I couldn’t believe what I was going to say, but I knew it was the right thing to do—for me. “You know how I feel about you, Hawke. That’s never changed.”
He listened to me.
“And it’s hard to stay away from you when every part of my body craves you. You’re still in my dreams. You’re still in my thoughts.”
He took a deep breath like he was scared.
And Hawke was never scared.
“I know you would never hurt me, Hawke. I’ve known that from the beginning. Never once was there any doubt about the kind of man you were. You don’t harm people. You protect them. You’re innately good, someone I’m immensely proud of. You fight for what you believe in. You’re a warrior. I’m so glad that you finally realize that about yourself, that you’re your own man. But that’s not the issue.”
He finally broke my gaze and stared at the concrete.
“You have no idea how much you hurt me…”
He closed his eyes like he was in pain.
I’d never had a chance to tell him just how bad it was. He never knew how dark my skies became. Maybe he moved to a new city and started over, but I never did. I had to live in the same house where I made love to him. I had to tell Yaya Hawke and I were through. I had to drive by his apartment in the hope I would see his truck. “I was on my knees and you still walked away. Instead of working it out with me, you ran. You were going through a hard time, and I understand that. But we should have gone through it together, not apart.”
He didn’t make a move.
“I want to give this another chance because I know you’re worth it. But…I’m afraid you’ll repeat the same mistakes the second there’s a bump in the road. I’m afraid you’ll lose faith in yourself when things aren’t easy. I’m afraid…you’ll rip me apart again.”
“I won’t.”
“And I want to believe you. But it took me two years to get over you, and I don’t think I can do it again. Obviously, I will always love you. But if I get sucked in again…I’m afraid I won’t be able to get out. I can’t go through that kind of pain four times… I can only handle three.”
Hawke cringed when he understood the meaning of my words.
“Somehow, losing you was worse than losing both of my parents. It wasn’t because you were my first love or a boy I really liked. It was because you’re my soul mate, the person meant for me. You told me we were forever. But…you still left.” My voice died in my throat because I couldn’t speak anymore.
Hawke said nothing for a long time, and the silence stretched on for so long it didn’t seem like he would say anything at all.
I rested my hands in my lap and felt my heart break all over again.
“Muffin.”
The nickname went straight to my heart.
“You’re right. What I did was unforgiveable.”
I watched him and tried not to breathe loudly.
“I regret it—more than anything.” He turned his eyes back to me, and they were full of desperation, an emotion Hawke hardly ever showed. “I wish I’d turned around. I wish I’d called. I wish…for a lot of things. But I can’t change what happened. All I can do is live for the future. Muffin, you’re my future. You’re my world. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you.”
I wanted to believe him—and a part of me did.
“What we have is too good to ignore. I’ll never love any other woman but you. You’re it for me, Muffin. You’re the one and the only. And I know you feel the same way. So, please, give me another chance. I promise I won’t hurt you again.”
“You promised we were forever…”
“And I haven’t broken that promise. I’m still here.”
“But you weren’t there when I needed you most.” I wasn’t the type of person to hold a grudge or live in the past. Life was too short for pettiness. But this was different. I couldn’t trust him not to hurt me again.
“And I’m sorry for that. But I’m here now. Give me a chance. We can take things slow. I will earn your trust again.”
“You can’t earn it back when it’s broken.�
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Hawke’s eyes changed. Instead of being infinitely deep and mirrored, they darkened. A drop of moisture covered each eye, and his breathing changed. The strong and silent man I knew was breaking right before my eyes. The white part of his eyes began to redden. He grabbed my hand, and the quick pulse in his wrist proved his panic. “Please. I can’t live without you, Francesca. Please don’t turn me away. Don’t give up on me.”
I took another deep breath, and that’s when the tears came. I didn’t bother fighting them back because they were unstoppable. My chest heaved with pain, and even though it crushed my soul, I pulled my hand away. “I’m sorry.” This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, turning away my one true love. But I couldn’t go through that pain again. I couldn’t take an entire bottle of painkillers and hope it claimed my life—not again.
Hawke didn’t reach for me again. In fact, he looked away, turning his face so far I couldn’t see his features.
Silence.
I kept crying, wishing he would hold me. And I kept crying because I hated myself for the way I just hurt him. He told me he needed me, but that wasn’t enough.
Then I heard him sniff loudly.
My eyes stared at the back of his head, fear gripping my heart.
He rose to his feet and walked away, heading the opposite way I was facing. His footsteps sounded on the concrete, and they became quieter as more distance was put between us.
I couldn’t move.
I could hardly breathe.
I stayed on the park bench until I stopped crying. But I only managed to keep my tears back until I returned to my apartment. When I was in bed with the covers pulled over my head, I started all over again.
To Be Alone
Francesca
A week came and went.
A very long and hollow week.
Hawke and I didn’t cross paths, and that wasn’t surprising since we were avoiding each other. It’s not that I didn’t want to see him, I just thought it was too soon after that heartbreaking conversation.
I hoped this wouldn’t affect Marie and Axel, especially since their wedding was just over the horizon. I was going to keep this knowledge to myself so they wouldn’t know anything about it. If anything, it would just stress them out. Their best man and maid of honor couldn’t be in the same room together. Talk about a mood killer…
