by Jake Devlin
Debbie leaned over to Darryl and said, "Geez, who the fuck is this guy? He looks like a fuckin' munchkin."
George whispered to Marion, "Is that Harold Lloyd?" Marion whispered back, "No, George; Harold Lloyd is dead." George whispered, "Did we go to the funeral?" Marion whispered, "Shh."
"Good evening, my fellow Americans. I know you expected to see President Obama sitting here, but I've just fired him, along with Congress, the Attorney General, the Solicitor General and the Supreme Court, and it's all perfectly legal."
At that, a collective gasp arose from the crowd, and Debbie looked at Darryl and mumbled, "What the fuck? What'd he say?"
"Shhh," hissed the matron sitting to her left.
George took Marion's hand in his and said, "This isn't Friday Night Live, is it?"
On all the TVs, the stranger said, "My name is Gordon Donne, D-o-n-n-e, and up until right this moment, I was the owner and CEO of Donne Enterprises International, a private multinational corporation which may be familiar to some of you. For the rest of you, there's a lot of information about me and my company on the Internet."
At that point, journalists, hedge fund managers, CEOs, and heads of state all around the world typed his name into their search engines, which nearly crashed those search engines' servers.
"This morning, after President Obama signed the 1500-page Save The Economy Act, three clauses in which authorized my actions, I bought the federal government, lock, stock and barrel, and I've taken over the executive, judicial and legislative responsibilities. Since I'm taking on all three of those roles, my salary will be triple what I would ask for just one, so you taxpayers will be paying me three dollars a year instead of one.
"Before I go further, I want to acknowledge something that I have no doubt will be uncovered and exploited in the next few days. I have suffered for my entire life from a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome, which I have worked diligently, but with sometimes limited success, to overcome. That syndrome has made me much more comfortable with numbers, systems and macro concepts than with words and social interactions, but in my new position as owner or whatever title people wind up giving me, I will work even more diligently to overcome that difficulty. So I apologize in advance if that syndrome surfaces as you and I have our conversations over the next several weeks, months and years, but especially tonight as you all get to know me a little bit for the first time.
"Over the next year, I'm going to make our government work efficiently and productively, something that our Congresses and Presidents have not been able or willing to do for decades, as most of you probably know already. They've just been 'kicking the can down the road,' burying their heads in the sand and outright lying to the American people."
Several people at Slinky Joe's murmured, "That's right" and "F'sure" and "Right on." Joe and Pete, watching in their cramped office behind the bar, exchanged skeptical looks and then focused back on the 13-inch black-and-white TV sitting on their file cabinet. Joe, the more mathematical partner, reached for a notebook and a pen. "I think we need to take some notes, Pete." Pete just nodded.
"In fact," Donne continued, "many of you have realized that our political system has almost completely hijacked and corrupted the so-called 'representative democracy' envisioned by our Founding Fathers, and that both the Democrats AND the Republicans have put the interests of party ... and the special interests they serve, and themselves ... above the country as a whole, using all of our citizens as unwilling ... or sometimes willing ... pawns in their political power plays. It's like the Democrats and Republicans are children sitting in a sandbox, throwing sand at each other, but that sandbox is on the back deck of the Titanic, with no one up in the wheelhouse steering the ship away from the icebergs that they've all been warned about.
"Like many of our citizens, I've become disgusted with the continuous political posturing and the inability of our politicians to set aside their constant quest for reelection and come to agreement on MAJOR issues confronting the United States. Just look back to how the President and Congress dropped the ball and virtually ignored the ideas from the Simpson-Bowles commission and the incongruously named Super Committee, and don't forget the idiot brinksmanship and mudslinging in the debates about raising the debt ceiling this past summer; to finally come to an agreement just ONE DAY before the deadline was not only irresponsible, but should have been criminal. And don't forget that that debacle triggered a ratings downgrade of the United States, the first ever in our history.
"Of course, any sort of REAL fiscal responsibility would cut off the taxpayer funding for the trough at which our elected politicians have been feeding so greedily for decades, lining their own corrupt pockets and those of their cronies. I swear, every time I watch the Congress in action, I'm reminded of seagulls squalling and shrieking around a handful of popcorn tossed on a beach. Or pigeons in Central Park, for those of you who've never been to a beach. Just take a moment and picture that.
"And that popcorn, my fellow taxpayers, is YOUR money. But Congress and Presidents have thought that it's theirs. Remember Willie Sutton, the 1920s bank robber who was asked why he robbed banks; apocryphally, he said 'That's where the money is.' Wherever there's a big pile of money, there are lots of people trying to figure out how to get their greedy little paws on it, and when some of those people have the power to write the laws to make that legal, watch out.
"Now, I'm not going to spend a lot of time tonight on dragging politicians through the mud and trying to place blame for their past failures; we'll be dealing with that over the next several months. I will say that BOTH parties and their supporters, and, of course, lobbyists, have brought this country nearly to its knees. And I use the term 'nearly' deliberately. That is about to change in many ways, and for the better, in the short term, the medium term and the long term, and the 'full faith and credit of the United States' will stand as a rock-solid underpinning of our country once again. Are you listening, (names of three rating agencies deleted; trademark issues)?”
Marion turned to George and whispered, "He's not using a teleprompter, is he?"
"Nope," George replied, "and no notes written on his hand, either." He paused, then, "Is that Walter Cronkite?" Marion sighed and rolled her eyes.
Debbie slurred to Darryl, "Who the fuck is Fitchmoodies?"
"Shh," the matron to her left said again.
"You got a fuckin' problem, bitch?" Debbie mumbled, raising her fist, but Darryl restrained her and switched seats with her.
"Many of my compatriots have told me that I'm taking on an impossible task, but I don't believe that. If we wait any longer, kick the can down the road again, we may well have passed the point of no return and it WILL be impossible. But by applying some common sense and solid business principles, and the innate creativity and ingenuity of the American people, which we will be encouraging through some public-private partnerships, mostly private, I believe that by working together, we can accomplish this task.
"Today, I've fired all of President Obama's so-called 'czars,' but I've appointed two, one as what I call the Czar of Anti-Hubris, to advise me when and if she feels I'm overreaching in any way, and a Czar of Unintended Consequences, which should be self-explanatory. Each of them has agreed to serve for a salary of a dollar a year, and I'm sure we're going to have some pretty spirited discussions.
"I've also met with the directors of the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and the IRS, as well as the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Secretaries of State, Treasury and Defense, and I've signed and issued over 250 directives, which have the force of law, and which will begin an accelerated process of America's long-delayed job-creating recovery. Those directives will all be posted on a web site at precisely ten o'clock Eastern Standard Time tonight, and I'll give you the link at the end of my time with you this evening. They are less than three pages each and they're all written in plain, direct English, so you don't need to be a lawyer ... or hire one ... to understand any of them. That, by the way, will be a hallmark
of my administration: plain, direct English, no opaque legalese.
"Some of those directives will take effect immediately, some on January 1st, 2012, about three weeks from today, and others will implement changes more gradually, and there will be winners and losers, as in any change or restructuring. Generally, the losers will be the folks who've enjoyed special perks and privileges from riding on the backs of others, and the winners will be the folks who've borne the burden for those privileged ones for far too long.
"Over this weekend and through next week, I'll be meeting with all Cabinet members who have not been fired to let them know exactly what I expect them to do on behalf of the country ... on your behalf ... and in the months to come, you will all see major changes as we restructure the entire federal government and its relationships with the individual state and local governments, as well as with the rest of the world ... but most importantly, with you, our citizens and taxpayers.
"One of the first directives I signed today declares that, effective January 1st, 2016, the official language of the United States will be ... Norwegian. No, just kidding; I have to admit I'm a fan of that nerdy Manhattan filmmaker and clarinet player. It'll be English.
"Now, I know many Americans have become accustomed to problems being solved in half an hour or an hour on television, and I'll tell you right now that this all is not going to happen that quickly. It will take some time, and there will be advances and setbacks along the road."
(Author's note: from here to the end of Chapter 5, readers who have little or no interest in Donne's actual policies may find this part a bit tedious and detailed; feel free to skip it and turn the pages to near the end of this chapter, perhaps the middle of Page 24. On the other hand, adults and policy wonks will find this to be much of the crux of how Donne fixes the country and may want to take notes. JD)
"First, on the economic front, this country is facing three major challenges, one long-term, one medium-term and one short-term. Long term, our national debt, including unfunded liabilities, looks overwhelming; projections vary between 65 and 80 TRILLION dollars. Today, our debt, NOT including the unfunded liabilities, stands at about 15 trillion dollars, and it's projected to reach 24 trillion dollars in just three years, at the beginning of 2015, if we continue on our current path. Using today's figure of 15 trillion dollars, that works out to about $48,000 per citizen, using the latest census figures. By the beginning of 2015, that'll rise to about $73,000 per citizen. And if we add in the unfunded liabilities for things like Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and federal retirement benefits, that figure is so big that I won't even bother to try to explain it. But it's HUGE. And fixing all those problems has to start now, should have started years ago, because if WE don't get started, our children, grandchildren and GREAT GREAT grandchildren are going to be saddled with an even bigger burden, one that will make what's going on in Greece, Italy, Ireland, Portugal and Spain these days seem miniscule.
"My long-term economic goal is to get the current national debt down to around two trillion; I'd aim for lower, but I don't want to keep investors and traders from having that fixed-income choice available.
"Medium term, the challenge is the budget deficit, the amount we spend above and beyond our revenues each year, which we're now covering by borrowing. Every dollar of deficit adds a dollar to our debt, and the only way we're going to start paying down the debt is to not only balance the budget, but create a surplus, where our revenues exceed our expenses. That surplus can then be used to start chipping away at the debt.
"The short-term challenge is an economy that is still in the doldrums, maybe showing a tiny bit of growth, but nowhere near enough to bring in enough revenues to start bringing down the deficit, never mind getting to balance and certainly not enough to generate a surplus. A BIG cause of the slowness of economic growth is and has been the uncertainty that the back-and-forth political sandboxing has created for American businesses and individuals. I'm going to change that to CERTAINTY.
"I need to give a huge thank you to the Simpson-Bowles Commission for all their hard and unappreciated work, and I've used their recommendations as a starting point, but the strategies and policies in my directives go far beyond theirs in many respects.
"So my immediate goal on the economic front will be to get the economy growing and to take the dampers that the government has put on it off its back. One part of that will be totally restructuring our ridiculous tax code.
"So on January 1st, 2012, MANY changes will take effect, which will allow most individuals and couples to fill out a simple two-page tax return like the one I'm holding here, a copy of which will also be posted on the web site by ten o'clock tonight. We'll also be making significant changes to Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, none of which will affect anyone who is currently enrolled in those programs or who will be enrolling in the next fifteen years. Younger people will have a variety of choices available to them, and the younger you are now, the more choices you will have.
"Business taxes will also change on January 1st, designed to make American businesses much more competitive in the global economy and to incentivize businesses to repatriate the trillions of dollars they have kept overseas … and to do that within the first six months of 2012 … and begin investing in American enterprises and creating jobs in this country. At long last, the playing field will be leveled for all American businesses.
"Now, I know those sound like buzzwords that you've heard over and over again from politicians ... hmmm; I just can't keep the contempt out of my voice when I say that word, in case you haven't noticed ... but you'll be seeing specifics over the next days, weeks and months. Some of you will like some of them, others will hate those same things, but when you see the whole package as it develops, I believe that you'll see how all the pieces fit together to put the US on a sustainable and reasonable road to recovery and growth well beyond anything you've been able to expect since the financial and housing crisis that finally caught up with us about three years ago, when the chickens of bad policies came home to roost.
"As for my domestic priorities, first is the taxpayers; I will ensure that the monies we take from you … and I do mean 'take,' since that IS what taxes do ... are spent efficiently and well, with minimal waste, corruption, fraud and abuse (I know, more of those buzzwords, but I mean them and you will see them really minimized). I'll be especially hard on institutions and programs that were created to serve people, but have grown to think that people exist to serve them.
“One of my first directives orders that all federal employees and contractors have a mandatory fiduciary duty to the taxpayers and will be personally accountable for failures in dealing with YOUR money.
"My second priority is business, especially small business and entrepreneurs, to finally give them some degree of certainty for at least the next ten years, and the economy, since that's what gives our citizens a much broader range of choices and opportunities to live the kind of life most of us dream of living (yup, more buzzwords; but note that I said 'opportunities,' not 'guaranteed outcomes').
"My goal for the economy is to achieve a 10% annual growth rate in GDP within eight years, and many of my policies have been and will be based on a simple criterion: will this policy advance or hinder that goal? As just a few examples, I have issued directives abolishing the National Labor Relations Board, repealing the Davis-Bacon Act, decertifying the AFSCME at the federal level and establishing a federal Right to Work law, as well as eliminating the federal Civil Service Board.
"I have issued another directive banning strikes, both by ANY public employees and by private employees for a period of three years, during which time I will work with both business and labor with a goal of cooperative solutions, not adversarial ones, as we have now. I have also frozen all union strike funds. No lockouts, either.
"Also, we will be loosening a lot of the overreaching, byzantine regulatory grip that agencies like the EPA, EEOC, OSHA and several others have had on the throat of businesses an
d individuals for far too long; we will return to levels of sensible, reasonable regulation, not ideologically driven, and we will also pay very little attention to agenda-driven science. I have issued an immediate moratorium on ANY new regulations and will be going thru each and every existing one, eliminating those that have kept businesses from expanding and/or locating in this country. Several of those are already in directives that you'll be able to find on the web site at ten p.m.
"Now, none of that means that we'll be ignoring the 'safety nets' that our truly vulnerable citizens need, but there will be changes in that area, as well, since our government has done a pretty abysmal job there for several decades.
"On the international front, we face a plethora of issues, both economic and security-related. First, as to our foreign aid policy, we will insist on reciprocal agreements AND performance for every dollar of foreign aid we send out, and renewal of each of our commitments will be based on performance-based criteria. And I will be VERY quick to cut off foreign aid to countries that do not live up to their agreements and promises.
"Our defense department will not see many serious changes in the immediate future, but the Joint Chiefs and I have come to several agreements in which the defense budget can be reduced significantly but wisely, mostly by eliminating the political influences that have controlled many of their past decisions, and without changing either our readiness or our security posture. Our goal there is to be lean, mean and nimble."
Donne frowned at the camera, narrowing his eyes, intimidating everyone watching. "I'm sure that our defenses will be tested in the very near future, but I assure anyone who wants to do that that we will stop any attempts with quick and powerful force, not necessarily proportional. Word to the wise, okay? And on the remote chance that any attempts succeed, our response will be totally out of proportion. I trust that is clear, plain and direct.
